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Home » Literary works » Poetry » Realistic


Infancy

by AlyTheBookworm


.

I enter her haven, a bedroom fitted to remind one of:

An egg, a cradle, a mother’s womb.

Warmth of candle-glow, hanging drapes above,

Tasseled and frilled, soft bedspread on which blooms:

Rose-patterned silk like featherdown, gentle as love.

What care she has adorned her sanctuary with.

.

The mattress sinks beneath us, as she sinks into me,

Exhaling nicotine, the smoke dances in the cataracts of her hollow eyes,

In acrid mimicry of the light of life, it sets her free,

From all that watches from beyond the circle of my arms, that lies,

In wait, for my baby girl, and for her baby,

And exacts this terrible vacancy on us, as she flees yet further.

.

In these moments, I think of you.

You, who I have not met outside waking dreams. You, who have no face.

I think of the gun in the desk, and wonder if boiling blood would provide courage enough, to do

The thing that won’t lift the beer from her breath, or resurrect the strength of her embrace,

Or keep her from being forever a child in a woman’s body, or build anew

The home that I made in her, that you vandalized and burned to the ground.

.

I think of you, the nameless man who came and stole and left, and this thing that will never be,

For you continue to pervade us like the foulness of cigarette-reek,

That cannot be washed from clothing. So, whatever I plot, whatever I plea,

Whatever words we summon the strength to speak,

There is nothing that will make me a child again, and nothing that will restore her from infancy,

My broken baby. My beloved. My mama.

.


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27 Reviews


Points: 114
Reviews: 27

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Wed Oct 13, 2021 9:14 pm
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lukekazey wrote a review...



Hey, Luke here for a review, as promised! Sorry it's taken so long, I've been busy and I wanted to make sure that the review I gave was of a decent quality.

First impressions are somewhat unclear- I've read this poem several times and each time I've interpreted it in a different way, so I'm still not quite sure what to think. Obviously the theme of motherhood and infancy is prevalent, but whether that it a literal or figurative motherhood and infancy is interestingly ambiguous. The first time I read it, I pictured the faceless man as a (TW) r*pist who had robbed the infancy and innocence of the poetic voice and left her with a child, but I think this might be me interpreting your words too literally, as like I say, there are plenty of paths to explore in this poem. That's part of the beauty of poetry, though; its multifaceted nature. It's clear, however, that there's more than one mother-daughter (literal or metaphorical) relationship within the poem.

In terms of strengths, I really enjoy your word-choice. In poetry especially, every word you use matters, and you're clearly aware of that. You have some amazingly evocative imagery, including but not limited to:

"Exhaling nicotine, the smoke dances in the cataracts of her hollow eyes,"

and

"For you continue to pervade us like the foulness of cigarette-reek,"

These are such beautifully vivid lines, they really stick with me as a reader. "Adorned her sanctuary" and "acrid mimicry" are two other phrases that just sit beautifully on the tongue, which I'm a big fan of. Poetry, after all, is often meant to be read aloud. A strength of such imagery is that it really gives us an insight into the emotional state of the poetic voice, and that's truly a gift. Please continue to write in this beautiful manner.

My suggestions for improvement may seem kind of nit-picky, but I just think they'd help elevate this poem even further. My first suggestion is that, as aforementioned, poetry is an art form generally meant to be read aloud. When I'm editing my poetry, I always try to read my poems aloud so I can sense their natural flow and rhythm, and thus decide my line and stanza breaks based upon this. Your line lengths seem to be a little inconsistent, and I just think that this might help you in that regard. It might also help your rhymes to be more effective, as upon first reading I didn't actually notice that the poem rhymed at all.

My second suggestion is to give the readers a little more to latch onto. Ambiguity is an effective tool in any writer's arsenal, but it only remains effective when used in the correct dosage. In this poem, I'd love to just have a little more to hold onto. I catch glimpses here and there, but I struggle to fully connect with the poem because I'm left confused by it.

On the whole though, a really stellar piece of poetry. You have incredible potential and a beautiful way with words, so please keep that up.

Yours,
Olli






Thanks so much for the helpful review Olli. You and cryptologenic both puzzled out the gist of the poem's overall theme and meaning: loss of innocence, trauma causing one to regress to a state of infancy, a mother who is like her daughter's baby. You were almost spot-on about its literal meaning, though the narrator is neither the man's daughter nor his victim (that would be the woman with cataracts). I'm glad you enjoyed it and that- though I gave it a certain ambiguity- the main themes and ideas came through for you. Your note on inconsistent line length is helpful too- this is something I struggle with in my poetry. Good to know! Thank-you for reading



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6 Reviews


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Wed Oct 13, 2021 5:17 pm
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cryptologenic wrote a review...



hi there! this is my first ever review and i don't know how to use the quote function so... anyway!

"Exhaling nicotine, the smoke dances in the cataracts of her hollow eyes,"
i love the imagery in this line ^^

"For you continue to pervade us like the foulness of cigarette-reek,"
...and then the extension of the cigarette symbol

"The thing that won’t lift the beer from her breath, or resurrect the strength of her embrace,"
i like the rhythm of "beer from her breath"

"There is nothing that will make me a child again, and nothing that will restore her from infancy,"
love this paradox of a mother who is like a child, and a child who has to bear that burden.

all in all i got the message and emotion that you wanted to convey through your poem, the reflective tone was very nice too :3

for feedback i'd say... i would personally prefer if the last verses were more structured in terms of the length of the lines.

really nice! hope you have a great day ahead ૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა






Thanks so much for the review crypto! I've been here over four years now and I still don't know how to use the quote function so no worries lol. Glad you liked it :)



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54 Reviews


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Reviews: 54

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Thu Oct 07, 2021 7:33 pm
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vampricone6783 wrote a review...



This poem about infancy was interesting to read.At first,I thought it was about a baby and their mother,but now,I feel like it’s about someone who was hurt so badly that they ended up thinking like one.Someone in the poem must have tainted the narrator’s life just by being in it and hurting others.However,there is a small glimmer of hope in the poem that all will be well.Great job and have a lovely day/night.






Thanks for your interpretation vampricone :)



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75 Reviews


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Reviews: 75

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Thu Oct 07, 2021 1:15 am
SadboyJay wrote a review...



hi Bookworm i im here to give you a little quick review!!

so lets get started

First i never seen such a good poem and at soon when i read this i im like dang this poem was really sad when i heard her say My broken baby and My beloved My mama and i im like i feel bad and is so sad to hear about on the last part down on the poem but it was impressive to read and i had enjoyed your poem it made my day actually

My Compliment is so what will be on your next poem coming i wanna know whats going to be on next poem can you tell me or just tag me when ever you get a chance of making a new poem coming soon i im looking foward to see

How you can improve is on working new different kinds of things like novels or storys something like that i hope you do them things soon on writing novels and storys

Keep writing Bookworm!!!

-jay






Thanks for reading Jay c:




Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
— Mark Twain