Hi Hkumar!
This is a pretty well-structured poem, with some nice sound devices that tie it together. The overall mood I’m sensing is one of sadness. You’ve managed to make something new out of some stereotypic images of the heart, as walls and emotions as bodies of water, for instance, the tsunami image was a pretty unique one. I also like how the water motif is actually interspersed throughout the poem, for instance with “tears” in the first stanza, and perhaps the “breakthrough” in the second stanza could be referring to the tsunami wave that breaks down the wall.
You mentioned in your request that you’d like some feedback for “improvising”, so I’ll focus on feedback to keep in mind for future poem-drafting.
Word Choice
I think one grow could be to think about how different word choices interact with each other. Something that caught my eye was in stanza one, with the image of the ashes. In line 1, “ashes” brings to mind something fine and powdery, but then line 2 introduces burnt “pieces”, which gives a different idea than just ash. It makes me think there are charred lumps of the organ still there in the ruins. Then in line 3, suddenly there are “massive walls”, which apparently jumps back in time to before the heart was burnt down.
I did like how the image “parched” sort of foreshadows the crumbling of the walls later on. Though on a second read, it does make me wonder where the fire came from to burn the heart to ashes, if the poem ends with the walls crumbling due to a tsunami and the speaker being pulled into a “dark ravine”.
In stanza 3, I wondered if something as catastrophic as a tsunami would merely “wash away” the walls, or if it would do something more violent. “wash” is a word I’d associate more with regular, gentle waves, or floods or rivers perhaps. A tsunami brings to mind something more powerful – maybe it crashed into what was inside the walls, or it snatched it away.
Abstractions vs. Concrete Images
There’s a smattering of both abstract words like “realities” and concrete, specific images like “cracks creeping in” in this poem. I think the way they were used and balanced was pretty effective in stanzas one and three. I like how the first stanza establishes that there are “walls” with “tears” holding them together, to convey the more abstract idea of “vulnerabilities” that need to be guarded. In the last stanza, the “dark ravine” is also a pretty vivid image to convey the darkness of the speaker’s past.
I read more abstractions in the second stanza, like “realities”, “emotional trigger”, “guilt”, “memories”, “flashbacks”, which made it a bit difficult for me to imagine each being realized as a particular image or feeling.
Still, for this poem, the rhythm of the second stanza, with the sense that each line is building on the previous, does kind of convey the sense of emotions building up against the walls, even without very many concrete images.
Tonal Shifts
Something interesting to try in your next poem might be to incorporate shifts in tone, for instance layering the poem so that it goes from a more anxious tone to a more lamentory tone. Even though time seems to jump back and forth in this poem, the speaker’s attitude seems to be about the same. In the first stanza, it’s one of sadness/ lamenting, and it maybe introduces a bit of anxiety in the second stanza, with “but don’t know for how long”, but quickly shifts back to a lamentory tone, which makes the quoted line feel a bit out of place, like the speaker’s anxiety there didn’t have much of a conclusion or resolution.
I did like that the tone was established very early on, with that poignant image of the speaker standing on ashes, and I think being able to set a tone that quickly would benefit you in creating tonal shifts throughout a poem.
Overall
I think you’re pretty good at establishing a rhythm for a work – visually this poem looks very well-organised, with line breaks that come across as natural. Thinking some more about how the different kinds of images relate to each other in the piece might help to take that further.
Feel free to ask for clarification about anything I said in this review or to ask for more feedback.
Cheers and keep writing!
-Lim
Points: 41664
Reviews: 542
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