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The Perplexing Nosebleeds Of Ebonie Fantasma

by AriesBookworm


Prolong

   Paige Fantasma holds her daughter close. Demonic laughs are all she can hear. All the kitchen cabinets are opening and slamming shut all on their own. Objects are being flung across the room. She fearfully cradles her young daughter close as she hides behind the couch. She prays her mother will arrive soon to fix this. 

   She never wanted to be involved in this, but now it seems that she had no other choice. She looks down at her young child. Her nose is bleeding once again. The nosebleeds started when she turned three years old. They were very rare at first. 

   But when Paige and her husband moved into their new house, the nosebleeds would happen almost every week. Paige wanted to deny what was happening, she thought if Ebonie took the same pills she did then the problems would seize. She was wrong.

   Very wrong.


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399 Reviews


Points: 42450
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Tue Sep 28, 2021 1:02 am
Plume wrote a review...



Hey there, and happy RevMo! Plume here, with a review!

I enjoyed this short little prologue, and I'm left desperately wanting to know what the story following it is going to be about!

I thought you did a great job of packing a lot of information into such a short space. Given the title and the third paragraph, it seems like it's going to be about Paige's daughter Ebonie's nosebleeds. Given the first paragraph, it definitely seems like there's going to be demons/demonic elements involved. I'm super curious as to what Paige's mom and Ebonie's grandma have to do with this, given that line about how Paige hoped her mother would come and fix it. Is she a demon herself, or does she hunt/know a lot about them?? Why does Ebonie have these nosebleeds? The reader is left with a lot of questions, which is just what prologues are designed to do. Nice job!!

One thing I did wonder about was the length. I know prologues are generally meant to be short, but I thought that this one was almost too short. I don't know what the rest of the story looks like, so maybe in context it makes sense, but just looking at it from this perspective, it's quite brief. I maybe would have liked to see the scene extended for a bit at the beginning; maybe share how Paige and her daughter got into that situation? That would also serve to build the scene a bit and familiarize the characters to the reader.

Specifics

Prolong


I'm going to assume you meant to write "prologue" here.

Objects are being flung across the room.


I think that this sentence right now is a tad clunky. By removing the unnecessary word "being" from the sentence to make it simply "objects are flung across the room," it creates a clearer and cleaner sentence.

Paige wanted to deny what was happening, she thought if Ebonie took the same pills she did then the problems would seize.


Since you've got two independent clauses here, this sentence is technically a comma splice. I'd recommend replacing the comma with a semicolon or a period. Also, I think instead of "seize," you meant to say cease.

Overall: nice work!! I think the information you put in this really helped keep the reader intrigued and wanting to know more. I'm super excited to see what else you have in store for this story! Until next time!!




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Mon Sep 27, 2021 5:28 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!! Also I see you're new here, welcome to YWS!! I hope you enjoy it here!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Paige Fantasma holds her daughter close. Demonic laughs are all she can hear. All the kitchen cabinets are opening and slamming shut all on their own. Objects are being flung across the room. She fearfully cradles her young daughter close as she hides behind the couch. She prays her mother will arrive soon to fix this.


Hmm...so I'm gonna assume that this is meant to be a prologue...and prolong is maybe a typo, is that your intended title. This does read like a prologue, so I'll review it as one.

In that case, this is actually a really good start right here. I'm loving this setup here at the start. You've started out by establishing the general surroundings and atmosphere of this scene and it works well, creating fear from the demonic screams and things being flung about and showing this person cowering in fear with their daughter and judging by those last lines, waiting for a rescue. The way she says "fix this" suggests that maybe this person somehow caused this event, which adds another little layer of mystery to things, and I'm loving that at the moment.

She never wanted to be involved in this, but now it seems that she had no other choice. She looks down at her young child. Her nose is bleeding once again. The nosebleeds started when she turned three years old. They were very rare at first.


Okay, so this doesn't seem to follow on the she did it herself situation, it looks like this is something she was dragged into perhaps without fully knowing what the consequences would be. Then we have a slight focus shift towards the child who's having of many common nosebleeds...which well, certainly increases the mystery factor here. So far this is motoring along quite nicely here.

ut when Paige and her husband moved into their new house, the nosebleeds would happen almost every week. Paige wanted to deny what was happening, she thought if Ebonie took the same pills she did then the problems would seize. She was wrong.

Very wrong.


Hmm...I've got slightly mixed feelings on that ending here. I love the references to some mysterious pills and the increasing of the nosebleeds. It makes for a great ending point that makes you want to read on and find out more, and yet at the same time, the tension established from the demonic screams and the craziness of the setting earlier in the story feels like its forgotten which you might want to look into.

Overall, this still makes for a pretty effective prologue though, I certainly find myself wanting to know more here. :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry





Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that's creativity.
— Charles Mingus