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Survival: The Escape, Chapter 7.3

by HarryHardy


Harry turned away from the door. His smile could have lit up the darkened hallways. He tilted his head towards the side that Daisy was on and made his way there, almost skipping with excitement. He'd definitely found something.

Aria was quick to act, grabbing the heavy piece of metal she was cutting as she walked towards the duo. Dropping it off in the cart, she made her way towards the other side of the spaceship where Harry was already excitedly babbling to an equally excited looking Daisy.

"Okay, you two, what's all the dancing about?" asked Aria.

"You're not going to believe this," began Harry," but I think they accidentally left a small weakness. It probably has to be double checked to confirm but I think I'm right."

"Okay, spill."

"So... I was looking at the wiring because..."

"The door is new but the wiring must be old because they couldn't have had enough time to replace it," finished Aria.

"Exactly, so I went and analyzed it, especially near that damaged hinge and I think I spotted some denting there along the parts with the wiring," he continued.

"And that means that the security network itself might be experiencing some issues,"finished Daisy, unable to stop herself from jumping in.

"Yes. Yes. Yes," said Harry, still jumping and down," Someone who knows more about these things than I do has to take a look at it and then figure out exactly how much damage might've been done to the system but I know there has to be some damage, you can't have a noticeable dent in a spot like that without experiencing something. With the newer system, it might even be some fairly big damage to the system."

"Wouldn't a "big damage" as you put it have been noticed and then fixed by now?" asked Aria, mentally cursing at having to shoot Harry down so often. It wasn't an easy thing to have to do, but if no one told him the facts, he was going to get himself hurt by being too positive.

"Umm...didn't think about that," said Harry, getting a pensive look on his face," hey but maybe it’s just really subtle so they haven't spotted it."

"Subtle big damage...I don't think so," said Aria.

"Hey any damage to the system is a plus, big or small," said Harry, frowning.

"Amen to that," agreed Daisy.

"Of course you're going to support that," replied Aria, then frowned as she took in the phrase that Daisy had just used. She'd never heard that before," also where on Earth did you learn that phrase Daisy?"

"From reading history books," replied Daisy," what?"

"You memorized the history books?" asked Harry, eyes wide.

"No... this line just stood out to me," said Daisy," it’s kinda fun isn't it?"

"Okay. It does have a nice ring to it," agreed Aria.

"Hmm...anyway so today we'll have to inform someone who can actually go check on that and confirm," said Harry.

"Yes we will," agreed Aria," but for now we still have a bit more work left to do. We wasted enough time on this. Let's get back to work."

"Yes Captain," chorused Harry and Daisy, doing some sort of salute before they ran back to where they'd be working before.

Aria faced her own section and took a deep breath, clearing all thoughts of the door out of here mind. It was time to break through the hull and start work clearing the internals of the ship. Oh please don't let there be a dead body inside that thing.

Aria took out her portable plasma torch and switched it on. It spluttered to life slowly, the ancient technology just barely in working order. She let the device get up to cutting temperature before carefully placing it on a corner and beginning a horizontal cut. She wanted to cut out a door shape and see if they could make a hole to make their way in. It was a lot easier than trying to locate the door among the charbroiled outer hull. 

She kept her arm steady and continued cutting. The ancient cutter wobbled in her hand as the motor worked at full power to saw through the tough metal that made up the starfighters hull. Even after the massive heat it had been subjected to, the structural integrity was holding up incredibly well. This was clearly a vessel meant to take some serious hits. It took her several minutes to cut out a rectangular hole. After she was done with that, she called out to Aria and Daisy.


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Thu Sep 23, 2021 1:57 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Harry,

Mailice back with another short review! :D

Here we start to climb the mountain, which I can name as the first highlight. You manage to become extremely flexible with the dialogue here and make it seem as if Harry, Daisy and Aria - despite their sometimes dubious trust - are a tight-knit team. You do this extremely well at some points, especially the way that Daisy and Harry often agree with each other but still get into minor squabbles.

But the focus isn't just on the characters, it's also on the plot, where I find there's a tension developing that's magnified here that was foreshadowed in 7.2. I think this shift you create has a good effect on the final product of the chapter on the whole, as each chapter is a kind of "story in its own right", and you present that here at a good stage of development.

Other points I noticed while reading:

Aria was quick to act, grabbing the heavy piece of metal she was cutting as she walked towards the duo. Dropping it off in the cart, she made her way towards the other side of the spaceship where Harry was already excitedly babbling to an equally excited looking Daisy.

I found the intensity and the connection of the two sentences a bit hard to read here, because in the end, it came down to the same thing. In other words, I thought it seemed too complex for what you wanted to say here.

"Yes. Yes. Yes," said Harry, still jumping and down," Someone who knows more about these things than I do has to take a look at it and then figure out exactly how much damage might've been done to the system but I know there has to be some damage, you can't have a noticeable dent in a spot like that without experiencing something.

I like how the sentence here is so extremely long (there's a comma missing between do and has) and it gives the impression of Harry jumping back and forth.

You memorized the history books?" asked Harry, eyes wide.

I'm not sure the "the" is necessary here. Surely it only indicates that there is a certain one?

Aria took out her portable plasma torch and switched it on.

I could use something like that.

It took her several minutes to cut out a rectangular hole. After she was done with that, she called out to Aria and Daisy.

So, Aria has split and is calling herself in again? :D

Have fun writing!

Mailice




HarryHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

I do have a problem sometimes with sentences being too long, its a bit of a consequence of how I tend to think...I should definitely look into fixing that soon :D

Also..xD...wouldn't we all like a portable plasma torch :D



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Tue Sep 21, 2021 2:20 pm
RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hey Harry!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

I really liked the dialogues in this chapter. It contained the right amount of energy to match with the new excitement of the group and I really liked how you showed it through Harry's reactions as well. It seems to me that they have finally found that hope they have been looking for. Its not much as Aria pointed out, and may not even result in anything, but it is still something. And something is always better than nothing.

I am not sure what they intend to do now. The damage isn't big enough for them to actually do something, but maybe with the guidance of the others, it can help them achieve their escape. Of course, it won't be that easy, so I am really curios about what new twist you have rolled up your sleeves.

Whatever it is, right now they have a chance. There is a new lightness in their attitudes and I hope they hold on to it.

A few nitpicks:

Someone who knows more about these things than I do has to take a look at it and then figure out exactly how much damage might've been done to the system but I know there has to be some damage, you can't have a noticeable dent in a spot like that without experiencing something.

This single sentence is a small paragraph in itself. So I am sure you can see what the problem is here. You need to break it up.

before they ran back to where they'd be working before.

The 'be' will be 'been'.

That's all.

Keep writing and have a great day!




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Tue Sep 21, 2021 1:18 pm
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Heyy!! Forever here with a review!!

After she was done with that, she called out to Aria and Daisy.

Seems like Harry's name changed into Aria. It will be a problem to distinguish between Aria-named Harry and the real Aria now.

We seem to have a bit of hope lingering in the minds of the characters. I really like Harry's burst of emotions that you show to us. He seems to be immensely happy for this little bit of discovery. Now it's time to think a bit further. I wonder if the weakness is confirmed, what there next step is going to be. Like opening that whole door will not be possible due to the cameras and their owners, maybe just a portion. Then? The whole humanity will not be able to escape through that door now. Only a fraction of the total, perhaps. Then, I wonder about the connection between the outer world and the inner world and how that will be. Also, it will be quite hard for a few people to survive among so many Aliens.
"Okay, spill."

I just wonder if the word "spill" is becoming a bit repetitive in this chapter. I don't know if it's intentional though.

Harry seems to be more attached to Daisy than his own sister. Like he first went to Daisy and then he didn't went to Aria, Aria had to come to Harry to know about the matter. I like how you show all these indirectly and let your readers interpret. Daisy seems to be interested at History stuffs.

I wonder why Aria is so concerned about dead bodies. Like she often hopes not to find a dead body. On the other hand, when two people died, she was quite normal. It makes me think about the matter though I can't reach to a conclusion. Aria's torch seems to be a great one and I wonder why she called Daisy and Harry. Something must be up.

Above all, the thing I wonder the most is the fact who they are going to seek for the purpose. Seems like some expert at the field, Mr.Summers maybe. He is after all the head of this mission. This is going to be quite interesting– The interaction between children and adults. I am quite interested to know what happens next.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever





Follow your inner moonlight; don't hide the madness
— Allen Ginsburg