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The Father-A deathly,evil,soul-stealing entity.

by vampricone6783


PROLOUGE:



Once upon a time,there was a man who had two children.He loved them dearly.

One Day,however,when he had taken them to a carnival,the carnival burned up.The man and his children burned down with it.

Now,the man haunts the town where the carnival was,stealing the souls of the weak and grieving,always in pain for the death of him and his children,always trying to make himself better by making others feel less…

PRESENT TIMES.



*******

It was the year 2019.Natalie Maurice and her family were going to the movies.

Natalie was a young twelve year old girl who had a TON of personality.She had bright,two-toned lavender and black curly hair.She wore a purple tee shirt that had the words:"Mad Hatter" on it in rainbow colors.She wore a silver metallic skirt,black lace stockings and big,knee-high black platform boots.

Natalie was an only child and had a Mom and Dad.But she was always closer to her father,even though most girls her age despised their fathers.

Natalie used to be an extremely happy girl and content girl.

Until Today.

Her Dad was driving the car past the speed limit,insisting that:"It wouldn't do any harm." Her Mom was screaming at him to stop,he didn't listen.Natalie sadly watched in the background.

Her Dad turned around to joke with Natalie,but right behind him was a big truck..

"Dad,look out!" She screamed,pointing at the window.

But it was too late,the truck crashed on the car,broken glass shards and machinery injuring Natalie and her Mom and killing her Dad.

Are they dead? They can’t be dead.No,it’s too much…that cannot be…no…no…IT’S NOT TRUE! NO!!! Natalie thought frant as an ambulance came to carry the three of them away.

*******



THREE WEEKS LATER,AFTER THE ACCIDENT:

Anika's parents ran upstairs to Anika's room to tell them about the sad news with Her friend Natalie.

Anika was one year older than Natalie and her best friend since kindergarten.She had long dark brown hair,a splash of freckles and amber eyes.

"WE HAVE TO GO VISIT NATALIE AND MAKE SURE SHE'S OKAY!" Anika yelled.

"We're going to visit her,but we have to get ready first." Her parents said.They went outside to start the car.

Anika got in the white SUV and they drove off to visit her sick friend.

When they got to the glass hospital,they went to the front desk and told the person behind it that they were going to see the Maurice family.

The woman behind the desk told them where they were and they went upstairs to find them.

Anika found Natalie in a white room with a thousand plugs and machines beeping and whirring.

The entire room was white and smelled like hand sanitizer.The walls were white,the bed was white,and the sheets were white.

"Anika.." Natalie croaked.

"Natalie! Natalie,are you alright?" Anika asked,rushing over to her.Her parents let her see her friend.

"I'm fine...I just hope my parents are okay."Natalie said.Every breath looked like pain.

Anika's parents rushed in,followed by a sad male doctor with black hair and glasses.

"Natalie... I have some news.It's about your parents." He said.

"What?" She asked.

"Your Mom is injured,but we can help her get better.We can get you and Your Mom better." He said.

"What about my Dad?" She asked uncertainly.

The doctor sighed.He looked like he didn't want to talk about it.

Anika and her family were about to leave,but Natalie insisted that they stay.

"You see,the hardest part of my job is saying things that patients aren't going to want to hear." The doctor said.

"What is it that I don't want to hear?" Natalie asked.

"Your father is.." He looked like he didn't want to say it.

"What?" She asked.

"Your father is dead." The doctor said.

*****

After Natalie and Her Mother were (physically) healed,they went back home,to their house.

Natalie was changed and Anika noticed it.

The Next Day when Natalie went to school,everyone was upset for her.She hated their pity.She just wanted to be alone,with her friend.

When she got home,she ignored her Mom and went upstairs to do her homework.

She accidentally tripped over something..

"OW!" Natalie screamed,caressing her foot.

She looked at what she tripped over.It was a long,unnatural,black claw.It didn't look real.

Then,the claw moved.She saw an arm and then a body.

Finally,a man.Or what was close to a man.



This man had black hair,red eyes with black,hypnotic swirls in them,long,black claws,sharp teeth and pointy ears.

He looked evil.

"What are you? What do you want? Are you real?" Natalie asked fiercely.

He smiled.

"Of course I'm real.If I weren't real,then you wouldn't have tripped on my claw.I just want to make you happy,Natalie.I understand that your father's death was a tragedy.Let me be your father.I'll take care of you." He said.His voice was a combination of high and low.

Natalie watched enough horror movies to know that in a situation like this,people in her position died.

But Natalie was sad and scared.She didn't want to mourn her father.If this thing could be a father to her,then so be it.

Natalie ran to the man and hugged him.He hugged her back.

"I'm going to need you to do something,though. I can't live without souls.You must give me pieces of your soul.Only little pieces.You will not die.I promise." He said.

She looked up at the thing.She did not want to give him pieces of her soul.But she didn't want him to leave,either.

So she nodded.With that,the man took a piece of her soul.

That was only the beginning.

*****

From then on,Natalie would offer pieces of her soul to the devil man.But she was starting to lose herself.

She no longer bothered for bright colors and quirky earrings,she was too tired to care.She just wore whatever she saw in her dresser.

Anika knew something was up,but she couldn't place it.

One Day,When Anika and Natalie were going to school together,Anika asked Natalie:

"Are you okay?"

Natalie only nodded.She didn't look okay.She looked like a frail old lady with stringy black hair.

"Are you sure you're okay? Because you don't look okay.Natalie,I'm worried about you.I think you should talk to someone.This isn't good." Anika said worriedly.

Natalie glared at her.

"I DON'T NEED HELP! I'M FINE! LEAVE ME ALONE!" She screamed at her.

Anika shut up.But deep down,she was scared.Scared for her friend.

*****

Anika had enough of her friend acting this way towards her.

So,after school she asked Natalie if she could come over to her house and Natalie said yes.

After telling her parents on the phone that she was going with Natalie,she went to her house.

They got to her house and tried to play some board games,but Natalie was not interested.

So they watched T.V..

"Pause the channel.I need to do something." Natalie said.So Anika paused it.

Natalie went upstairs,to her room and Anika followed her,to make sure she was okay.

Natalie slammed the door shut and cried.

Anika pressed her ear to the door...

And heard an evil,inhuman voice say:

"Natalie,you're doing a good job.Now,another piece of your soul."

"But,Dad! Isn't this enough?!? I'm hurting! Everything hurts.." Natalie sobbed.

Anika gasped.What the heck?!! Why was she calling that monster her Dad?!? Was she giving it pieces of her soul? Something wasn't right here..

"No,it isn't enough.If you want me to be there for you, you must be there for me.It's only fair." He said.

Anika was disgusted.This thing was manipulating her friend!

Anika tried to open the door,but it was locked.

She heard an awful,soul-sucking sound,followed by screaming and crying.Anika tried opening it even more furiously,but it was still locked.

Then she heard:

"MY PINKY!"

Natalie opened the door,covered in tears.There was nothing in her room.

Anika looked at Natalie's hand.Her left pinky was missing.In fact,it looked like it was chewed off.

"Nat...what is going on?" Anika asked.

She did not answer.

"NAT,ANSWER ME! I heard you in the room! What was that thing you were talking to?!?!" Anika screamed.She couldn't help it.She was worried for her.

Natalie's face darkened.

"Please...don't lie to me.Tell me what is going on.Please.." Anika pleaded.

Natalie pulled Anika close to her.

"I'll tell you what's going on." She whispered.

*****

Natalie was about to talk,but then her Mom's car pulled up on the driveway.

"Come over to my house for a sleepover and then we'll talk." She whispered.

Anika nodded.

Natalie told her Mom about the sleepover and when Anika went home,she asked her parents if she could come.

They said yes.

When it was time,she arrived at her house.

*****

When Anika arrived at the house,Natalie was waiting for her in the living room.

She sat on the pile of pillows and blankets.Natalie had her stringy black hair tied up in a bun.She was wearing a white shirt that was too big for her.Natalie's eyes were a sickly white.Disgusting white goo formed on the edge of her lips.

She looked sickly.

Anika tried not to stare,but it was impossible.

"Okay,you're not going to believe me-"

Anika interrupted her.

"Nat,I heard a weird voice in your room.Of course I'll believe you." She said.

"-but there is a man.He's not human.He's a demon man.He said he could be my father and take care of me,as long as I gave him pieces of my soul...I agreed,but everything hurts and I'm scared and I-" That was as far as Natalie got.Her eyes closed and she fell to the ground in a weak heap.

“Nat,I heard this scary story about a man and his kids who went to a carnival.The man and his children burned up,but the man’s spirit still haunts people,hurting those who are weak and scared.The spirit is called:”The Father.” I think that’s what’s haunting you.I think he’s trying to steal your soul.Nat? You awake? NAT?!” Anika asked.She thought she was merely resting,but now,she thought she was sleeping.



Anika shook Natalie,but she didn't move.

"Nat! Please wake up,or I'll lick you!" She yelled.

Natalie shot up from the ground.

Suddenly,there was a deep rumbling in the house.The girls huddled together.

A black claw crawled on the floor and revealed a red-eyed man.

"SO YOU BETRAYED ME?!? YOU TERRIBLE,NAUGHTY-"

"SHUT UP! NOBODY SAYS THOSE THINGS ABOUT MY FRIEND!" Anika yelled,holding Natalie protectively.

The man turned to look at her.

"Who are you to step up to me?" He asked sarcastically.Anika ignored the words.

"Listen here,you vile freak,if you don't give Natalie back her soul and leave us alone right this instant,then I'll-" But the monster interrupted her.

"Or what? You'll fight me? You can't do anything,you're just a little girl.I'm going to kill you both,understand?" The man laughed.

The girls backed away.Can you blame them? They were frightened.

They ran upstairs,to Natalie's parent's bedroom,hiding in a closet.

But the man was one step ahead.

"You can run,BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE!" He screamed.

Soon,he opened the closet and was standing in front of them...



*****

This thing,this monster,it was bigger than them.It was certainly stronger than them.

But these girls had to face their fears.It was the only way.

But how could they get rid of him? He could kill them with just one smack.They were littler,after all..

Natalie figured out a way.

"I think we have to stop paying attention to the monster.It feeds on our attention,our time.If we don't pay attention to it,then it will disappear." Natalie whispered to her.

Anika nodded.

They ignored the monster,which wasn't an easy task,since it was EXTREMELY NOTICEABLE and right next to them.

But slowly,it began to disappear into thin air...until...it was no longer there...

*****

Anika and Natalie stopped shaking and dared to look at the spot on where the monster was.

But there was nothing there.

"It's gone." Natalie said.

"It's really gone." Anika said.

Yes,it was gone.

"I'm so sorry,Anika! I'm sorry I've been distant...I'm sorry I listened to that thing...it's just...I-it's been so hard on me and it said it could love me, I was being stupid...stupid.." Natalie was reduced to tears.

"Shh...you don't have to talk about it." Anika said.

******

Just then,Natalie's Mom pulled up on the driveway.The girls immediately ran downstairs,to open the door for her.

"How was the sleepover? Did you do anything fun? Are you feeling better,Natalie?" She asked.

The girls opened their mouths to tell her about what happened,but instead,tears came out.

They ran to her and hugged her tightly.

"Shh...it's okay.I'm here.It's alright." She said to the girls reassuringly.

Everything was going to be alright,because there was an end to the carnage.

Characters in Gacha Club:

Natalie’s photos are in my wall.

Anika:

The Father:


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Wed Sep 15, 2021 5:00 am
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey! Forever here with a review!!

Natalie was an only child and had a Mom and Dad.

I guess it's better to write it as the only child of Mom and Dad. An only child sounds a bit strange.
You see,this man had black hair,red eyes with black,hypnotic swirls in them,long,black claws,sharp teeth and pointy ears.

No need to write "You see". The sentence is independent without it.
"I'm going to need you to do something,though. I can't live without souls.You must give me pieces of your soul.Only little pieces.You will not die.I promise." He lied.

I would suggest writing it as he said or something similar because if you say he lied, then we know that he is evil from the very first and it spoils the suspense. Also, I think that that portion is narrated from Nat's POV. So, it's not really very justified to put a single thing which can contradict the whole portion.

Now with the divisions. Dividing the pieces into chapters is not the best decision here. The word count of the whole piece is 2243 words which is generally the word count of a single chapter and here we have ten chapters. So, the average word count of a chapter is near about 224 words. If you ask for solution, I will tell dividing the piece by *** rather than chapters. Also, at some places if you don't separate, it will be fine like in the case of the last two chapters. Hope this makes sense.

Moreover, it feels a bit too rushed. Provide descriptions in the necessary places. It all happened very fast, I mean it seems like it happened very fast but in real life it didn't happen very fast. The monster was taking small pieces of soul day by day so it was not that fast. I would be quite happy to know how the monster was doing that. We have no idea how a soul is taken and also what was the condition of Nat at that moment. That was an example of where you can put descriptions. You can also elaborate on that past story and how the monster turned into a monster.

The story was quite good. I liked how you made different characters and drew a relation between them. The story line too had a great deal in it. It was like a simple movie to a horror movie which was great. As of Nat, we can understand how devastated she was for the death of his father that she trusted a monster. Anika was a great friend. She risked her life for her friend's life. Going in front of a monster for a child is not an easy task to do. I wonder if the parents knew about the monster.

Overall, the story itself is quite good. Just provide some descriptions.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever




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Mon Sep 13, 2021 3:09 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hi there vampricone! A belated welcome to YWS :)

I see you've been smashing through team tortoise for the month, so I thought I would stop by and write a quick review for you :)

Right, let's get on with the story.

Once upon a time,there was a man who had two children.He loved them dearly.

Firstly, a simple formatting note. It's always standard to include a space after a comma (like how I did with the firstly part of this comment). It might be an issue you're having with copy and pasting into YWS because sometimes the formatting doesn't work but if not, this is hopefully an easy thing to take note of in any and all writing.

Once upon a time,there was a man who had two children.He loved them dearly.

One Day,however,when he had taken them to a carnival,the carnival burned up.The man and his children burned down with it.

Now,the man haunts the town where the carnival was,stealing the souls of the weak and grieving,always in pain for the death of him and his children,always trying to make himself better by making others feel less…

This whole section is really good for setting the scene, but I would argue that you might not need it. It might be more powerful if the tale of the man was mentioned in the actual story, because it makes the reader closer to it, and as such can make it seem more scary! The way you have it now means it functions as something of a prologue which is not a bad thing at all, but I think it might be interesting to explore having it somehow interwoven throughout what is happening in the present day.

It was the year 2019.Natalie Maurice and her family were going to the movies.

Natalie was a young twelve year old girl who had a TON of personality.She had bright,two-toned lavender and black curly hair.She wore a purple tee shirt that had the words:"Mad Hatter" on it in rainbow colors.She wore a silver metallic skirt,black lace stockings and big,knee-high black platform boots.

Natalie was an only child and had a Mom and Dad.But she was always closer to her father,even though most girls her age despised their fathers.

This is a lot of exposition to be leading with. These details, whilst helpful for the reader to picture the scene, aren't necessarily the ones that are going to hook them in and get them to keep reading. If you want some inspiration, there are some fab tips on starting your story in the YWS knowledge base.

"DAD,LOOK OUT!" She screamed,pointing at the window.

This might just be personal preference, but I'm not a huge fan of capital letters in prose unless they're being used as something like an acronym or to describe the words on a sign. I think it somewhat trivialises what you're writing, so I would recommend keeping the exclamation mark to show Natalie is shouting, but changing it to be in standard sentence case. It also makes it easier for a reader to read.

Tragedy sucks.Natalie thought bitterly as an ambulance came to carry the three of them away.

I think you could do way more with this. Is this really what a twelve year old thinks as her parents die? Is she in shock? Is she sad, angry, confused? There's a whole breadth of emotions that can be explored here and it would really help the reader to connect with Natalie as a character.

Anika's parents ran upstairs to Anika's room to tell them about the sad news with Her friend Natalie.

As with before, try to make the start of a chapter a bit more gripping. You have a lot of cases here where you're telling the reader what's happening rather than showing them. Here is a great guide on how to change your telling into showing!


"We're going to visit her,but we have to get ready first." Her parents said.They went outside to start the car.

Again, I think you could do some more in depth exploration here. How does she deal with the news? How do her parents help to calm her?

The entire room was white and smelled like hand sanitizer.The walls were white,the bed was white,and the sheets were white.

I really like this description - I think it's perfect for how a hospital feels and I love that you included what it smells like too.

"Your father is.." He looked like he didn't want to say it.

"What?" She asked.

"Your father is dead." The doctor said.

This confused me, because from the first chapter I thought she already knew her parent's outcome and that's why she thought 'tragedy sucks'. The part about her knowing it three months ago was also hard to follow as I couldn't tell if this was an indication of something more sinister, or it was just to show the passing of time. If it's the second, perhaps change it so the start of the next chapter is simply: three months later

I think a lot of the rest of this continues in much the same way. We start to get to know our characters, but I really want to understand what they're thinking and feeling. That way, your reader starts to care about them and feel what they feel. It's also more likely to make the whole experience more scary.

The friendship between the two girls is shown really nicely, and I like how they are there for each other through the difficulties that arise throughout these chapters - that's definitely a really strong point of the novel so far.

I would say this is quite a large block of text and as such it takes quite a while to read. In the future, you might find it better to post it in sections. Your chapters are quite short, so you don't necessarily need one post per chapter, but perhaps 3 or 4 chapters in one post. Reading and reviewing can be overwhelming on a piece that's this length and I think the feedback you get will be more valuable on shorter sections.

Anyway, that's me done for this review! I hope some of my comments were helpful, but feel free to ask if you have any questions about anything I've mentioned.

Have a lovely day!

~Icy




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she slept with wolves without fear, for the wolves knew there was a lion among them.
— r.m. drake