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Falling

by NivedaJames22


Darkness surrounds, a thick heavy fog,

Hanging above my head on a thread,

Threatening to fall, and sever my neck.

Crumbling walls, once build to protect,

Now crash and fall on the ones held within.

A floor covered in shattered pieces of glass,

Pricking me as I attempt to sit down and cry.

All the ghosts from a haunted past,

Have emerged once again in a moment's glance,

Standing behind, at a shoulder's span.

And in the middle of this doom I stand, 

Falling to my knees, helplessly,

As I give in to the mind-numbing pain, 

And plummet into the vortex of gloom.


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10 Reviews


Points: 83
Reviews: 10

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Tue Oct 19, 2021 2:16 pm
Caiteb wrote a review...



Hey its Caite swinging by with a review. Holy crap I just wanted to say this poem is so real like. your description words and the flow I could actually picture this happening. I loved this poem is completely amazing. most of all I love how you ended it it really felt like a closed it off. I hope you have a fantastic day or night I hope you have a fantastic day or night.




User avatar
10 Reviews


Points: 83
Reviews: 10

Donate
Tue Oct 19, 2021 2:15 pm
Caiteb says...



Hey its Caite swinging by with a review. Holy crap I just wanted to say this poem is so real like. your description words and the flow I could actually picture this happening. I loved this completely amazing. I hope you have a fantastic day or night I hope you have a fantastic day or night.




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432 Reviews


Points: 46600
Reviews: 432

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Sun Aug 15, 2021 7:52 pm
Plume wrote a review...



Hey there! Plume here, with a review!

This was a very compelling poem! You utilized a lot of great imagery here, and it really built up the emotion and despair. Your varied and deep language really helped sell that feeling of hopelessness in both the subject and the reader.

One thing I really liked about this was how in depth the imagery was and how connected everything was. The poem didn't feel disjointed at any part, and you seamlessly whisked the reader from one painful sight to the next. The narrator's voice was also very compelling and so full of misery, and even though we know nothing about the narrator, we can tell that they are suffering. I really loved the lines "A floor covered in shattered pieces of glass/Pricking me as I attempt to sit down and cry." Something about how the narrator can't even have a reprieve from the pain without being hurt was very poetic and also saddening. Nice work!

One thing I did wonder about was whether some more poetic elements could be included. Right now, you're using a lot of imagery to illustrate your poem, but it has a distinct vibe of a more prose-type of poem. It seems like it could almost be more effective if the line breaks weren't there. Like the other review suggested, building up a rhythm in the poem would help with this, but also including other sorts of figurative language and word patterns like assonance, consonance, alliteration, metaphors, etc.

Specifics

Crumbling walls, once build to protect,


Tiny thing here, but I think "build" should be "built."

Overall: great work! This was a very dark yet emotional poem jam-packed full of stunning imagery, and it was a joy to read. I hope to read more of your work (poetry or otherwise) in the future! Until next time!




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30 Reviews


Points: 603
Reviews: 30

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Sat Aug 14, 2021 3:54 pm
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Avis wrote a review...



Honestly, I'm not sure where to begin because this is just incredible. You've created such rich and violent imagery, and filled this poem with so much pain and emotion.

It really feels like I'm having a breakdown as everything falls apart around me (but in a good way). Phrases like "my head on a thread" create violent visuals, and I absolute love the lines "Crumbling walls, once built to protect, Now crash and fall on the ones held within" (I'm assuming "build" was a typo and you meant built). I love how it can be interpreted in a physical fortress/castle sort of way, or in a more figurative way, like how you might "put up walls" to emotionally protect yourself, but it can backfire and isolate you. I thought your last few lines were especially emotional in how they show the feeling of being absolutely powerless to do anything but give up.

If I had to change anything, I would say try to create a stronger rhythm (like be careful about the number of syllables in each line) because that can really help a poem draw the reader along and make it even more powerful. Overall, though, this was incredible! ^-^






Hey Avis!

Thanks for the tip about the syllable count. That really helps!

Thanks for the review! (:




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