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You can call me Yoshi. Hope you have a fun time here!
They stood across the graveyard
Of those by temptation claimed
The tombs lay weeping, shroud in shadow
Each grave by a single word named.
Nice start! I absolutely adore introductions, and this is a really nice one! I think I have a feel for how the poem is going to keep going, since you're obviously on the topic of death.
I especially like line seven ("The prophets and teachers were right all along!"). I don't really know why, but this line kind of has this little 'giving up' mood without actually giving up, if you get what I mean.
Okay, so ignore anything I said about expecting what was going to happen from the beginning. This poem is phenomenal! I love how you personify things like Envy, Wrath, Pride, Death, etc. I've seen stuff like that done before, but the way you did it was amazing. I know this might sound a bit cliche, but I was hooked on it until the very end. However, seeing how well your body and conclusion was (especially the execution at the end), I want to talk about your introduction again.
I mentioned I'm a bit crazy for intros, so let's talk about that. I think your introduction is strong, but not nearly strong enough for the rest of your poem. The story you've described in the poem is so powerful, but the introduction could use some work. Even if you're trying to go in the "Surprise the reader" direction, it can still have some buildup and tension.
They stood across the graveyard
Of those by temptation claimed
The tombs lay weeping, shroud in shadow
Each grave by a single word named.
Apologies for quoting the first stanza again, by the way.
Anyways, if you mentioned something about the personified emotions in this stanza before all that stuff at the end, it would have been amazing. The calmness in this stanza kind of threw me off.
Same thing with the next few lines. They were decent lines, but couldn't compare to the amazing rest of your poem. In fact, you could have actually just added a stanza there. Creating the buildup for the climax is really important, especially in story-telling style poems like this.
Anyways, I hope you were satisfied with this review!
Best of luck,
-yosh
Points: 621
Reviews: 129
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