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Loving you, me, and us

by legendarycomputerpoetry

Loving You,

Loving you is like

Climbing up a mountain top

Never-ending and breath gone.

Loving Me,

Loving me is like

Burying a sapling seed

I sprout when the roots clench dirt.

Loving Us.

Loving us is like

The world’s creation of man

We grow together.

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5 Reviews

Points: 104
Reviews: 5

Fri Jul 23, 2021 10:57 am
The_Rebel_2007 says...

Have a good day!

I always like Haikus, the beat of it itself gets to me naturally. Although (I suppose), all three of the stanzas were supposed to be haikus, the first two have 7 syllables in the last line while the last one is perfect. But, I think it's alright. So, all in all, I liked the eloquent style of writing.

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160 Reviews

Points: 7050
Reviews: 160

Thu Jul 22, 2021 1:10 am
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chikara wrote a review...

Hello hello!

I loved all three of these. Now, I'm a sucker for romantic poems in general, and love themed haiku just hits different to me. It's probably something to do with the feeling of constriction that comes with following the set rules of writing a haiku paired with the agreed on idea that romance is such a flowy thing, but whatever it is, I enjoy it.

Let's look into one thing I have to say though~

Loving you is like

Climbing up a mountain top

A lot of songs use the images of mountains to reference a love that is basically impossible. There's some kind of barrier between the actual relationship, emotionally or physically, and that leads into a lot of sappy thoughts and declarations. When you think about it, a mountain is made of a very high point which is the top and the very low point of the ground, which makes a lot of sense when it's compared to strain. \

I'm wondering if that's what you're going for here? Especially with the last line being "Never-ending and breath gone" because that sounds rather negative. There are a lot of ways to take those images, one being out of breath in a good way because of how "in love" the other person makes them, two being out of breath in a bad way which speaks for itself in the way where there is some kind of struggle happening.

The last haiku changes my opinion about that though, so it's kind of confusing to me. Growing as a whole is often used to symbolize something improving or getting stronger as time goes on, but I don't really feel the build up from the very stressed, almost bitter phrasing of the last part of the first haiku. I could just be reading it the wrong way and assuming too much info, but I'd like more clarification there.

That's all! Have a good day!

Thank you for your comment! I structured the poem physically to look like it's going down rather than up, but I see why it could be confusing. I'm practicing writing haikus so these might not make the most sense just yet. I appreciate the feedback! I'll make the meaning a little more obvious to help the reader next time.

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19 Reviews

Points: 242
Reviews: 19

Wed Jul 21, 2021 7:16 pm
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RealSadhours296 wrote a review...

Each Haiku sounds so very, very pretty! I applaud you for that and your creativity in portraying your theme!

I will say that I don't think the first two haiku match the format of the haiku. I believe it's 5 syllables, 7 syllables, and then 5 syllables again. The last one matches that but the first two don't. I'm really bad at counting syllables though so I could be mistaken. Something to look into, unless you weren't really focused on keeping the haiku format.

Keep up the good work!

Thank you very much! I'm still a beginner when writing haikus, so I don't think you're wrong when it came to counting the syllables. Hopefully, through more practice, you won't have to count again!

“Hope” is the thing with feathers - That perches in the soul - And sings the tune without the words - And never stops - at all -
— Emily Dickinson