To be completely honest, sometimes people change you. Sometimes it’s for the better and sometimes for the worse. Sometimes, it is both.
For the better, I would say I am 100% stronger. I am to the point where I no longer silence my opinions, no not opinions, feelings. I used to worry about sharing my feelings due to how others would feel. It’s not that I’ve grown cold or don’t care. I am finally done sacrificing my own feelings to protect others. I shouldn’t sacrifice my happiness so that others feel secure or safe. That’s not saying I will go out of my way to hurt anyone even those who have ripped me open and tore me apart. I have always chosen my words wisely. I do not say things I know I cannot take back. The pain of words can last. Your words can hurt with the intensity of burning fire on your soft tender flesh. The damage can be everlasting. Scars may never heal. So I will say what I feel but with words I have turned over in my head a thousand and one times to ensure your scaring is minimal or nonexistent.
For the worse, I find it hard to trust others emotions. Imagine a kiss tender and true. A brush of two hands that sends electricity through your body. A hug that makes you feel secure and safe. Imagine someone holding you until you fall asleep. Think about the obnoxious couples that post loving things where all others can see. The whispers of I love you as you are crying in pain. The words I love you even on your best day. A promise made with a ring. Now think of all that. All that joy and happiness. Now imagine it’s a lie. They were always looking for another. They were always critical of your every move. The promise with the ring meant nothing. You just were blinded by the temporary joy you felt. It wasn’t all bad, but it was all pretend for them. For you it was real, but for them it was brief bliss. The timer was ticking, and they were counting down the seconds until they would hurt you. It’s like a sick game. They get pleasure out of hurting others. They’re friends say things like, “I hoped he would’ve changed for her.” But they will never change. It’s hard after that to trust a kiss or the words I love you. The next jolt of electricity feels like your heart is betraying you. You go from listening to your heart to trusting your gut who always has its walls up. So yes I have fortress around my heart. Yes after even a year of trying to break those walls down, I am still guarded. How could I not be? It took me four years to realize the manipulation was always there. So trusting myself and others is not easy anymore. I’m not sure I will ever go back to fully allowing myself to feel that way again, because yeah it was great while it lasted, but that hurt is the most painful feeling I have ever experienced, and I never want to let myself feel that again.
So yes I have changed, and NO I will never be the same.