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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Shikres: Eviction Notice

by saadamansayyed, none


Eviction notice (PROLOGUE)

प्रणव आणि त्यांच्या कुटुंबीयांना आम्ही दिलगिरीपूर्वक कळवतो की या नोटीसला प्रसारानंतर पंधरवड्यात त्यांची योग्यरित्या हकालपट्टी केली जाईल.

- पुणे पालिका

We regretfully inform Pranav and their family that they will be duly evicted in the fortnight following the circulation of this notice.

  • The Pune Council

One

Pranav Shinde had drops of sweat rolling on his body when he turned on his laptop to see an urgent email in his inbox. He tried to take his handkerchief and used it to clean his sweat, but the sweat moved too swiftly to be absorbed by the handkerchief. He opened the email. The email looked normal, and nothing out of the blue before he got to the third line. The third line was when he became numb, cold and silent, sweaty and without a word from his mouth. His wife was calling him to the kitchen, but when no response came, she felt worried. And moments later, she ran to her husband.

“Pranav, what happened?” She asked.

“Nothing to worry about,” he lied nervously as his sweat drained onto his t-shirt.

“Then why is there a river of sweating on you?” She said with a stern look, demanding the answer from her husband.

“Nothing, sweetheart. Everything will be okay,” her husband responds.

Preeti was unimpressed by this answer and thought that her husband was hiding something from her. She turned a little and saw the laptop. As she read the email, tears filled her eyes. Pranav held Preeti’s hands in his hand.

“Everything will be okay. Just don’t tell aai-baba about this yet,” he told Preeti. She nods and then wipes the tears off her face, using her palm, before returning to the kitchen. As Pranav sees his father walking slowly towards him, he hastily closes the tab and snaps the laptop closed.

“Baba, how are you? Have you taken your diabetes medicine?” Pranav asks nervously.

“I’m good, Pranav. Yes, I took that tablet Dr. Bajaj gave me.” Dhiraj said with an assuring look.

“I really wanted to take us to Kolhapur this year. Because of the lockdown, we can’t go. We will surely go to both Jejuri and Vithoba next year,” Pranav said in a meek tone, as he would’ve taken them if not for financial worries.

“No, Pranav, what you did was right. We must stay here at home.” Dhiraj exclaims with an approving smile on his face.

The mention of staying at home triggers Pranav, who is breathing faster than usual.

“Can we watch the news, Pranav?” Dhiraj inquiries.

“No, baba, why don’t you watch Ramayan or something?” Pranav nervously responds.

“I said what I said. I want to watch the news,” Dhiraj firmly counters.“No look at anything else but news, please baba,” Pranav begged his father.

His father sighed slowly and ran towards the living room, where he turned on the TV and began watching a retro mythological show.

Pranav stepped briskly to the bathroom, remembering not to make a noise. He then turned on his phone and called his senior, Rakesh Reddy.

“Rakesh, Sir, I needed your help,” he weakly said as the phone got picked up.

“What, Pranav: I’d be happy to do anything I can,” Rakesh said in a diplomatic and sharp tone.

He told his dilemma to his senior.

“See Pranav, I’d help if I could. But I don’t have money now,” Rakesh said as he slyly ignored this call for help before turning down the call.

“Pranav!” A yell came from the living room.A call came from the police station.“Your siblings are here. Pick them up for the things they’ve done.”

















Two

Thinking about all this, Pranav had drifted to the police station. The police station bore a very ominous look, as if it were a building full of prison and not a police station. Pranav gulped even more.

“Pimpri Chinchwad Police Station” was painted in bold white Marathi and English text on the top part of this police station.

The logo was oversized, imposed above the white text with the words “Maharashtra Police”, a flowery star with a hand on top of it, and the text - “Sadrakshanay Khaligranay” - Defend those who are virtuous, and Decimate those who are vicious. His siblings were going to be vicious if he didn’t maintain his fortitude.

Thunderstorms of antagonism overran his mind as he strolled to the police officer. He clenched his teeth and clasped his hands.

“Yes, sir, I am Pranav Shinde,” he said in a meek tone.“Very well, Mr. Shinde,” the officer sneered.

“Sir, can you explain to me what exactly happened?” Pranav asked weakly.

“Well, these two reckless people were riding around on a now-seized scooter without a mask, asking people to come to a concert. What should I say? A concert!” the officer said and paused. He continued, “I stopped them and asked them to mask the hell up. They began saying rude things to me and behaving like idiots. The worst kind.”

“You guys!” An annoyed Pranav growled at his siblings.

His sister made a very offensive expression with her hands.

“You’re supposed to help me,” “Why if we did nothing wrong?” the brother said.Pranav turned his face to the angry police-officer, who bore the same ominous look.

“Look, I’ll pay the fine for them. I know they’ve done wrong, but…”

Pranav whispered softly into the ears of the police officer. As it would happen, the police officer began sobbing lightly.

“Go away,”

The police officer unbolted the holding cell and Pranav’s brother hugged him tightly. His sister was more interested in how he had managed to not give anything and still let them go.

Three

“I want to tell you the truth.”

All members of the Shinde household were sitting on the fifteen-year-old couch in the living room, where they were all on their phones. Pranav began to gaze at the walls as he prepared to tell the truth to them.

Preeti rolled her eyes at Pranav.

“Aai-baba, didi, bhau, Preeti and my kids, please listen.”

Everybody hid their phones and began staring at him.

“We will lose this home in 14 days.”

Gasps of worry resounded throughout the living room as they began wondering of their future. The dreams Pranav’s younger brother had of success in music, and that of aai-baba to travel the world were shattered as if they were glass that broke into shards as it dropped down.

Preeti knew what to do. She walked forward and stood close to Pranav.

“Pranav has a solution, doesn’t he?”

“Yeah, I have a solution. This home is just too expensive for us in COVID-19 times. I don’t think we can pay the rent for a 2BHK flat in Pune for long.”

“And?” Preeti nudged her husband.“So, we will have a roof over our head. Just, the roof would be on - walls which are close.”“So do we need a smaller flat than this one, dad?” Pranav’s adolescent son Prithvi said.

“Yes. We can afford a very small flat, and we have to adjust there.”

“I know we’d need more space with a growing child and joint family, but, it is more important to stay together than to live comfortably.”“But, Pranav beta, how are we getting a flat at this time?”

“Don’t worry, I’ll find it. We’ve got two weeks - pack up.”

Just then a friend of Pranav called. Siraj Pathan runned a huge real estate business, which spanned all over Mumbai, Pune, and Nashik.

Pranav picked it up.

“Hello, Siraj Bhai, how are you doing?”

“Yes, I’m good. You know, I have a home you guys would like.”

“Okay, tell me more.”

“Dr. Shaikh Parvez, my uncle, has lived in Dubai since last year, remember?”

“Yes, I think I’ve met him before.”

“So, he has a fully-furnished bungalow in Viman Nagar that has been unoccupied,”

“And -”

“They need a caretaker for their furnished posh bungalow in COVID-19 times, because intruders and thieves can cause damage. Somebody responsible, and somebody trusty. I thought you’d be the best man for the job, Pranav. You’re known to be the most trustable person whom I know in Pune.”

“Yes, and-”

“Would you like to move from your home to that home?”

Pranav was speechless.

“Why are you speechless, Pranav bhai? You can tell if you don’t want the home.”

Pranav tells Siraj about them losing their home.“Thanks to all the devs! Siraj, you’ve been an angel. We were going to be homeless - and you, you were the guy who came up with a solution.”

“No, Pranav. You didn’t tell me but I deduced from your behaviour something is wrong. In tough times, we humans have to help other humans. It is basic humanity, and the compassion we have. So are you coming over to my place at 7 PM?”

“Sure,I’m coming over to your place at 7 PM.”

“Good!”

Pranav ended the call.

Pranav squealed and jumped in excitement. They’d finally found a home, a place to be! And, they were being paid for it.

“What happened, Pranav?”

“We got a home! We will be caretakers for Shaikh Parvez’s posh fully furnished bungalow! We’ll have everything, live comfortably and even get money to take care of the place. And when this crisis is over, I’ll find a more permanent solution!”

Squeals and screams of happiness filled the Shinde household. The members embraced and jumped, and began packing for their next home.

---

















Epilogue

15 DAYS LATER

15 days later, the Shinde household are sitting in the bungalow’s balcony, enjoying the evening tea. They’re incredibly thankful to god for the blessing of this home. After many days is the tea of relief.

the end.

GLOSSARY

  1. Aai : Mother
  2. Baba: Father
  3. Beta : son
  4. Didi : elder sister; honorific for women/girls of equal or slightly higher age.
  5. Bhau/Bhai : Brother; honorific for men/boys of equal or slightly higher age. Literally “bro”.

Dev/Deva/Devs: God.


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Sat Jul 24, 2021 10:11 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi saadamansayyed,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

A great story with a nice ending and looking at a family without going too much into the oversized political stuff. I really liked that your focus there was on something human.

What I noticed while reading was that at the beginning you have some difficulties to start the story when it comes to things like pronouns and substitutions. After that it goes well, but I think by the end of the first chapter it all gets a bit blurred in the dialogue. I think you could expand on that and be more specific. It still feels a bit unpolished, and I think you could add a bit more "life" to it. :D

In general, I liked the story. You gave some interesting insights and I also liked your focus on one family and not the big and whole nameless thing you read about in the news. I also liked that you included some terms at the end to give the reader some necessary explanations.

I think you still need to work on some parts, be it in the structure and also in some phrases that seem twisted or funny in your writing. But I also think that with some effort you can achieve a great result.

Other points that caught my eye:

He tried to take his handkerchief and used it to clean his sweat, but the sweat moved too swiftly to be absorbed by the handkerchief.

Your sentence has the appearance of a boomerang. :D You start with handkerchief and sweat and come back with sweat and handkerchief. :D I would replace the sweat with it at least in the second half of the sentence and then omit the by the handkerchief, since you are referring to something in the same sentence.

He opened the email. The email looked normal, and nothing out of the blue before he got to the third line.

You can start the second sentence with an it, because you are already referring to this point in the prefix.

"Baba, how are you? Have you taken your diabetes medicine?"

I don't know if it's so directly necessary for the reader to know that Baba has diabetes. You could leave the diabetes out of it and create a question for the reader as well.

Pranav had drifted to the police station. The police station bore a very ominous look, as if it were a building full of prison and not a police station.

You have police station three times in two sentences. You definitely need to work on using pronouns or synonyms more. When you end one sentence and start the next, you don't necessarily have to use the same words, because the reader still knows what happened in the previous sentence.

This home is just too expensive for us in COVID-19 times.

I haven't heard anyone put it that way yet, and I think, since you've already hinted at the time your story is set in, to replace the COVID-19 with these.

Have fun writing!

Mailice






Thanks! A totally random question is - Have you met a family like the Shindes?





Not really. Especially not in the past year. :D





Oh, cool. I think I'm off to work!



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Thu Jul 15, 2021 2:37 pm
RandomTalks says...



By the way I meant 'man' not 'many'. Thats a typo!




User avatar
659 Reviews


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Tue Jul 13, 2021 4:57 am
RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hello! RandomTalks here to review your story.

I really liked how you have brought forth such a realistic situation through your story. It hits different when you think about all those months we spent in constant fear and anxiety not knowing when this is going to end. That lingering feeling in your chest makes this story all the more real and daunting to read. However there are certain issues with it, so let's get on with that. A lot of these may feel like nitpicks, so I apologize for that in advance.

"We regretfully inform Pranav and their family that they will be duly evicted in the fortnight following the circulation of this notice."
You started the story with the notice and it sets the tone for the rest of it. However, 'their family' does not really work here because we are talking about Pranav and 'his' family.

"Pranav Shinde had drops of sweat rolling on his body when he turned on his laptop to see an urgent email in his inbox."
The phrase 'rolling on his body' does not sound right and it is technically incorrect. Try: 'rolling down his body' or maybe lose the 'body' altogether and write something like: "....drops of sweat running down the side of his face". It makes it sound less abstract this way. Just an opinion, though.

"Then why is there a river of sweating on you?”
Again, this line does not sound right. Maybe try: "Then why are you sweating rivers?"

"She nods and then wipes the tears off her face, using her palm, before returning to the kitchen."
There is nothing wrong with this sentence, except for this is where you completely change the tense of the story and move forward with the present tense. This is a common mistake almost everyone makes unknowingly, so I would suggest just rereading your works to identify these kinds of mistakes.

"His father sighed slowly and ran towards the living room"
The word 'ran' over here feels out of context and does not seem necessary. His father could have simply walked into the living room with a sigh. Why would he run?

"The police station bore a very ominous look, as if it were a building full of prison and not a police station."
'Building full of prisoners' maybe?

"Siraj Pathan runned a huge real estate business...."
'Runned' is wrong English, write 'ran a huge real estate business' instead.

"Somebody responsible, and somebody trusty."
'Somebody trustworthy' ?

"After many days is the tea of relief."
I can understand what you tried to express in this line, but somewhere you just lost the right words. Maybe try rewriting it?

Overall, this was a good story. I would suggest proofreading it once or twice to make it flow better.

But aside from the grammatical errors, you have a really good story here. A family fighting to find a home - this feels so relatable in light of the pandemic situation. Pranav is a very likable character and Preeti is very admirable as well. The rest of the characters kind of fade out a little and it feels like their only purpose was to move the story along.
I also liked the tone of your story. It reminded me of the short stories I used to read in school before all this.

So that's it for today. Hope I was able to help.

Good job on the story. Keep writing!






Thank for the review! I am not a good proofreader, so I think that was there. I wanted it to be emotional, so, I think I succeeded. This is totally random, but, which actor would you think play Pranav if this story was instead a film?



RandomTalks says...


Pranav seems like a many with many responsibilities and worries and yet at the same time I can see him facing all of life's hurdles with his head held high. So Farahn Aktar maybe? I don't know, but I think he would nail this role.





Totally! I really loved writing this, and I wish I hadn't messed up the title.




Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.
— Martin Luther King Jr.