Hey chikara,I always seem to stumble upon your poems and so far I am yet to be disappointed. First things first, don't hate on your title! It might be a bit wordy, but, at least for me, I find it suits the poem quite well. I'll start with my critique only because I do not have much to say in regards to things you could edit.In your first stanza, I think it would be real neat if you somehow related what was going on to a butterfly. That might be hard to do, but just as every stanza after that relates in some way to a butterfly, if the first stanza did to that would be fun and fresh.Alright that is literally all the advice I had. Time for the favourite part: things I liked!!First, the entirety of stanza two. Everything about it just makes me smile. It creates such a sticky summer, retro feel to it. I love it!"Pendulate" deserves its own point. I looked it up (because I didn't know what it meant) and as far as I know it isn't actually a word. I guess some writers may look down at that (?) but I actually find the word-that-is-not-a-word suits your piece anyway and the reader can figure out what the words means even though they will never have heard it before.The little bit you have at the end (I don't know the proper name for what it's called) but the italicised part. It's like adding chilli powder to your fried egg. And boy do I love chilli powder on my eggs. It wraps it up together, it makes me sad, it makes me happy. I love it.Alrighty that brings us to the end of my ravings. I really liked reading your piece and I look forward to your future works!Speak soon! eilisBK
Hey chikara! My name is Elinor, and I wanted to drop by to give you a quick review. Firstly, wow, thanks for sharing this. This poem is awesome, and I enjoyed reading it. As someone who grew up in a relatively small town, I definitely relate to this, and feel like I can picture what's going on very clearly. Your imagery definitely bring the reader right into this moment in time. The only line that didn't quite work for me was the one about the air quality index, it felt a bit too clinical when the rest of your imagery is light and airy. I wonder if there's any other way to get at the same idea? I'm not sure if you wanted to leave exactly what happened between the boy and the subject of this up to interpretation. I liked that it was a bit vague, but I wondered as I read through this if there was something I was missing. My interpretation was that they dated and went their separate paths. But why the subject avoiding him? You don't necessarily have to answer this, it's just what came to my mind as I was reading.Nice work, and keep writing!Elinor
Drop "into the" for the "into the one hundreds" line. It'll be more efficient.
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