Young Writers Society

Hey there! This is really cool, and so beautifully written! I admire the imagery and the thought that went into keeping the content of each stanza consistent with its respective theme. The whole thing gives a sense of both the longing and realization of being happy and free, and even though the end brings us back to reality, it is gentle enough to not shatter the happy mood. It really does give the feeling of your feet touching the ground once again.

The only thing I found odd sounding is the end of the third stanza, where it says, "until the ants start dismantling our skin and we shed it like we forgot we were snakes." The mental image this evokes is rather unsettling next to the beauty of the rest of the poem. Also, the likening to snakes almost gives the impression of evil lurking in the narrator's personality. My preference would be to change this section up a bit to be more appealing instead of appalling, but the poem is yours, so do what you like.

Overall, I really enjoyed and admire this work. Keep writing!

Hi there alliyah and whatcha!

I thought this was a very whimsical poem, with a tone of wistful reminiscence. I’m not sure why, but the voice came across as reminiscent to me even though the speaker is daydreaming, projecting into the future. I felt a sense of peace and awe at the beauty of nature while reading the descriptions in your poem, especially in the first two stanzas. The last two stanzas each introduced such an interesting twist and turn to the trajectory of the poem overall, with the earthier imagery and then the contrasts made with the cosmic imagery.

Subject, Themes, Narrative

Taking a closer look at the narrative of the poem, it seems as though the speaker spends most of the poem imagining all of these fantastic things, only to realise in the last two stanzas that “it is enough just to be”.

I think I didn’t really notice the movement of the narrative to ‘negating’ all of the earlier imagery because I was so immersed in the individual images? It can’t be helped, those descriptions of yours are so delightful . . .

I found it interesting that the speaker says “I only wish . . . to catch up with the stars or moon”. I think my usual association with cosmic imagery is already something larger than life, but given that the next line says “spin around the room”, implying they are in an enclosed space, I would suppose the stanza overall is a sort of ‘coming back to earth’ after the previous ones, thus portraying that theme of sufficiency and gratitude for where you are, as opposed to chasing after where you could be.

Language and Imagery

I see loads of personification here! From the clouds in the first stanza being “at our heels” to the fish “laughing”. I think this resulted in that ‘whimsical’ impression I had of the poem at first.

There also seems to be a shift from more ‘water’ and ‘air’ focused imagery, for instance with the clouds and “wave foam” to images of land in the pivotal stanza. It makes me wonder if this was planned or if it was a sort of natural progression when envisioning a daydream environment of cloud-racing and swimming.

The images that fascinate me most are the ones in the ‘dirt’ stanza:

somedays i imagine what our memories
would look like sketched in the dirt:
gravel becoming dreams, and pebbles shifting
with whispered secrets beneath our toes -
until the ants start dismantling our skin
and we shed it like we forgot we were snakes.

somedays i imagine what it would be to fly
with the clouds at our heels, wisps trying
to steal the space between our palms.

Heyo! This is Ilium for a review!
OMGOSH THIS WAS SUCH A GOOD POEM!!
Ahem, uh, sorry about that. Anyway, I really liked this poem! For me, it represented dreams and friendship. I really loved how you used imagery masterfully. Some of my favorite lines
were "gravel becoming dreams, and pebbles shifting with whispered secrets beneath our toes" and, well, the entire last stanza or dream. The gravel and pebble line showed to me how friendship changes as time goes on. I also love how out of everything, you made gravel represent dreams, because there is so much gravel and so many dreams.
The stanza was written very well also. You really built up the hype with your amazing imagery until the last two lines brings it back down and prepares us for the last line that delivers the message of the poem with a sucker-punch.
With every single dream, you used imagery very well, as everyone is saying. I honestly don't have a single thing to critique on her, only praise.
One more thing: it's a bit of a small thing, but its a bit cool how everything is lower case. It makes it just a bit more informal, like you're reading a text and not a book. It's a pretty cool effect!
AWESOME poem! Please keep collabing, this is epic!

Hi whatchamacallit and alliyah,

Mailice here with a short review!

That is a beautiful poem. I like the openness it displays, imagining various scenarios of what might be or what memories might be possible. There is something uplifting in the text that is spread throughout the different paragraphs. This gives it a formatting like a landing of a rocket through the various themes. First the thoughts in the sky, then on the water and then it goes to earth. It seems like a development back to the ground.

But I think that also gives the whole text this subconscious suffering undertone. It seems like an end without a new beginning. It seems like an order that has to be obeyed. I could also see it as a shrinking, as the person gets smaller and smaller, sinking into this world before rising and jumping again. I would describe it as the attempt to recognise the freedoms from captivity, to use them and to enjoy them.

In terms of structure, I like the repetition of the various verses, that they follow a certain rhythm. That gives the poem a certain narrowness and yet again this freedom. You try to take as much as possible out of what you have. I also like the fact that the text is without a capitalisation. This gives the poem a gentleness and an expression of non-violence.

somedays i imagine what it would be to fly
with the clouds at our heels, wisps trying
to steal the space between our palms.

somedays i imagine swimming to the edge of the water
with the wave foam in our hair and the shells
caught in our clothes, fingernails becoming sea glass,
a crown on hands that tug absentmindedly at
the shoreline.

somedays i imagine what our memories
would look like sketched in the dirt:
gravel becoming dreams, and pebbles shifting
with whispered secrets beneath our toes -

and then somedays i only wish i could dance
fast enough to catch up with the stars or moon

OH MY GOODNESS??? I literally read this like 5,000 times already. I mean, I knew this would super good since the two best poets came together to write this; BUT OMG AHHHHH THIS IS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!!!!!

until the ants start dismantling our skin
and we shed it like we forgot we were snakes.

Oh my goodness! Wow, you are everything I aspire to be as a poet. I am speechless. First of all, your imagery is immaculate. I already have an overactive imagination, but you gave me no shortage of things to see, from damp clouds against my skin to saltwater in my hair. You built entire worlds in each paragraph. At first, it's cloud kingdoms and bird allies. It's castles and sun and freedom. Then, it shifts to mermaids and running away from sharks, to seeing shadows below and entire schools of minnows. And suddenly, it's chalk on the sidewalk and children laughing. Chasing sugar ants and letting them crawl on your hands. Before it ends, before you settle us back down to reality, it's novas and galaxies—too many stars for our minds to comprehend. And we want all of these as much as you do. We want to join you in your fantasies of faraway, impossible places. But you remind us to be content with where and who we are and, although it's bittersweet, it's possible. And maybe even its own kind of beauty.

Wow! I wish I could write half as good as you both!