Hey there, Mingan! I hope you're having a good day!
Okay, this poem is really quite lovely. It's haunting, ethereally beautiful, and the imagery is amazing. I loved it for the most part. There are some things I'd like to point out, though.
It felt slightly jarring when you switched from having a proper rhyme scheme to having... another one? I'm not entirely sure if you created a rhyme intentionally or not in the second half of the poem. Anyway, the ending is still good, but given that this began as a slow, gentle poem with a definite flow, perhaps you should have tried to stick to some sort of rhyme scheme throughout or altogether avoided one. But this is purely my opinion.
My cheeks are pink,
But not from the cold.
I’m merely excited,
Of all the adventures,
This season holds.
This one passage particularly stood out because it wrenched away from the abcb rhyme scheme and became abcdb... which was then abandoned. :/
My heart is held captive,
By that silvery night.
When everything was perfect,
And bathed in silver moonlight.
Gorgeous descriptions here. I had some great mental visuals.
Okay, one more thing; you don't have to end every line with a comma or fullstop. In this case, I really advise you NOT to. Many of your lines would work wonderfully as enjambments, but they're ungainly split by punctuation.
Making me breathe in,
The cold, sharp chill.
For example, here if there was no comma after "in" you get a really good enjambment that makes the flow of the poem so much smoother. Just a suggestion, though.
To the first snow.
Winter is the time,
When I can feel peace.
The time when I know,
What Eternity will be~
This was a very nice ending! I imagined it being read with a wistful sigh at the end.
Okay, so my overall impression: your poem is excellent. Has some things that could be worked on, but that's subjective, so I'll leave it up to you. I loved your diction - it was nearly immaculate - and I think the tone of underlying sadness (and yet an odd sense of comfort) came across very well. Good job! I look forward to reading more of your work.
Keep writing!
~ Lee
Points: 18564
Reviews: 278
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