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A Hero's Sacrifice~

by Tttu06


“You’re asking for death!!” She said, her tone all shaken up. Quivering at the fear of losing you.

“Thanks for your concern comrade, but death won’t take me today.” You reply reassuring she has nothing to worry about, but you know that death is approaching you rather quickly. 

The villain laughs, scoffing he announces, “Ahahaha! I’ll end you quicker than you can blink!”

You’re drained from all the hits you took protecting your friends, you’re at the very end. Everything around you suddenly falls dead silent, “is this the end?” You begin to wonder. Who knew it would be so peaceful right before your inevitable fate? However despite the such calming feeling, you know it’ll be a painful slow death. It doesn’t once cross your mind if you made the right decision. As the villain dashed towards you in pursuit of your life, you think once more about all the happy and swell times you’ve had. The greatness you’ve been able to experience. Enough to where a smile emerges on your beaten up face. And when it all seems to come to a close, everything turns white. Could it be what occurs after death? Could it be the afterlife? It all seem to happen so hastily. Right as you begin to submerge into your thoughts, a single cherry blossom appears. Where did it come from? Why is it here? Questions you thought of but didn’t care to know the answer to. All you could focus on was the beauty and warmth of the tree. The safety, the comfort it gave you. As you slump down and sit beneath the tree, you’ve come to the realization that this is the afterlife. As the scenery starts to fill in of your perfect utopia you’ve dreamt of, you sit beneath the tree staring out at it; content with how you lived, with how you decided to leave the precious earth, with how you decided to impact the world.






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Fri Jun 25, 2021 12:14 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Tttu06,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

This is a very interesting idea that you present here as a text. It has a certain point that I find good. It seems as if the action in the first half increasingly becomes a kind of spiritual path that you follow.

For a short story, it's really short and despite that length, it holds some great details. I like how at the beginning you are only given the necessary information that brings the reader into this situation. You can work out for yourself where you are and what you think of as villain. I like how you go into the subject matter and confront the reader with it head on.

What I like very much is in the second half after the demise, how you ask the short questions, indirectly trying to make the reader wonder if he himself is happy with life. I love that you use symbolism in the form of the cherry blossom and that the few questions are focused in this path of passing from one point to the next.

I see your text as something philosophical, something nebulous that one tries to grasp. Through your short story, you succeed in making many readers think about what they are in life and what they want. I strongly suspect that most of them won't end up like in your story, but through this approach, you manage to make something vague concrete.

I think what I liked best here was the different contrast you showed through the two halves; life and death. Life in your short story comes across as something bad, tragic and dangerous, whereas death here is more about joy, peace and silence. I like that very much.

Two things I found while reading:

The villain laughs, scoffing he announces, “Ahahaha! I’ll end you quicker than you can blink!”

I think you have inserted a few too many actions here in the sentence. If you expand it further, it won't look so crowded and unrealistic.

You’re drained from all the hits you took protecting your friends, you’re at the very end.

I would separate the last part of the sentence here with a full stop to increase the drama. The simple comma here seems out of place.

To sum up, I didn't expect how the story would end. I also think that it might be difficult to develop it further without losing the meaning behind it.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




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Sun Jun 20, 2021 4:37 pm
LittleLee wrote a review...



Hi, Tttu06!

Ah, a story with a tragic yet wholesome end? I'm a sucker for those. It's short, simple, and has just enough information to hold itself up alone.

Alright, on to the specifics.

“You’re asking for death!!” She said, her tone all shaken up.

Sentences that come after a dialogue ending with an exclamation/question mark shouldn't begin with a capital letter. The grammar and punctuation here are also a little messy, but Pixie already pointed out how you could improve that.

The villain laughs, scoffing he announces, “Ahahaha! I’ll end you quicker than you can blink!”

1. There are three actions in this sentence and the villain is apparently doing them all at once? Please do change that... it's a bit poorly done. Maybe you could write, "The villain laughs, then looks me in the eye and announces..."
Here, too, there are three actions, but there's a clear indication that they aren't taking place all at once.
2. Like Harry said, this dialogue felt cartoonish. Maybe you could replace the "Ahahaha" with just a single "Ha!" That would downplay the cartoon effect a little bit.


Okay, I think you should split the last paragraph into two. It's a bit of an unappetizing chunk of text. Nicely written, though.

As the villain dashed towards you in pursuit of your life,

1. You switched to past tense again here.
2. "In pursuit of your life" sounds a little weak; how about something like, "to deliver the final blow?"

Right as you begin to submerge into your thoughts, a single cherry blossom appears. Where did it come from? Why is it here? Questions you thought of but didn’t care to know the answer to. All you could focus on was the beauty and warmth of the tree.

Some lovely writing here! It reminded me of the last scene in The Last Samurai.

The ending was beautiful.

Overall, I'm pretty impressed! This is certainly a good story, and despite its shortness I could enjoy it pretty well. The pacing was perfect, and the tone was set just right. Great work! i hope to see more of your writing around!

~ Lee




Tttu06 says...


Hey, thanks for the comment! Thank you for pointing out some mistakes that I can improve upon and the positive things I had! Also, I%u2019m delighted you found some enjoyment out of my story!



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Fri Jun 18, 2021 7:07 am
RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hi there!

Random Talks here with a short review!

So this was a really good short story. I like the plot - a typical hero doing his thing and saving the world. It is a plot we have read many times, but I like the emotions and feelings you brought into it, allowing us to empathise. I like the way you write, your words speak directly to the reader, making it come off as a really strong and powerful piece. However, there are a few mistakes I spotted along the way. So lets get into that.

1. One major issue I have is tense.
"You’re asking for death!!” She said, her tone all shaken up."

' Thanks for your concern comrade, but death won’t take me today.” You reply reassuring she has nothing to worry about, but you know that death is approaching you rather quickly.'

You start the story here in the past tense, and then switch to the present tense and continue the the rest of the story in that. Tense is the most common mistake we make all the time without knowing, so nothing to worry about there!

2. "Everything around you suddenly falls dead silent, “is this the end?” You begin to wonder. "

Okay this is just a suggestion, but this sentence would sound a lot better if you wrote it like this:

" Everything around you suddenly falls silent. You begin to wonder, 'Is this the end?'

3. " However despite the such calming feeling, you know it’ll be a painful slow death."

Here, the words 'the' and 'such' do not work together. Delete either and the sentence reads better.

4. ". Enough to where a smile emerges on your beaten up face."
I loved this line. Something about the hero remiscing the happier times in life makes him appear more real, more human to the reader. He is no longer a hero fighting to save the world. He is just a guy about to take his final breaths on this Earth.

5. Lastly, the final paragraph felt too long and enermous to read. There is nothing wrong with writing a big paragraph; it just feels hard on the eyes and disturbs the flow of the story. You could break it into smaller paragraphs and add more to each. This would give the reader more background and the room to connect with the hero.

This was a great story. I hope I was able to help with this review. If not, I apologize. It was really good. Keep writing!




Tttu06 says...


Hello there! Thank you for your praises and criticism!! I appreciate you reading it, and am pleased you enjoyed it!



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Fri Jun 18, 2021 6:46 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!! Aaand I see you joined recently, so a late welcome to YWS!! I hope you have a great time here :D

First Impression: Soo...right off the bat, this piece managed to surprise me quite a bit. Considering the title and how it began, I wasn't expecting an ending like this one, but I did love this particular ending. You managed to get a decently impactful sacrifice across even in a story as short as this where we don't really ever know the stakes of this sacrifice.

Anyway let's get right to it,

“You’re asking for death!!” She said, her tone all shaken up. Quivering at the fear of losing you.

“Thanks for your concern comrade, but death won’t take me today.” You reply reassuring she has nothing to worry about, but you know that death is approaching you rather quickly.

The villain laughs, scoffing he announces, “Ahahaha! I’ll end you quicker than you can blink!”


Okayy...interesting start there...looks like its someone trying to reassure another as their facing off against well the villain I suppose, one of the rare moments where I've seen the bad guy literally be called as the villain in the story itself. But well, judging by the title of this story and the thoughts of the one who's doing the reassuring it looks like what we're about to see here is someone that's going to sacrifice themselves by the looks of it. Well that does make for a pretty cool opening...yes..but...there is the one tiny issue where while the first two lines are pretty neat, the second part sounds a tiny bit cartoonish, that threat by the villain doesn't feel like something that you would see in a serious story...its a tiny bit exaggerated there, but I do like how the protagonist is certainly embracing the fact that death is a very real possibility.

You’re drained from all the hits you took protecting your friends, you’re at the very end. Everything around you suddenly falls dead silent, “is this the end?” You begin to wonder. Who knew it would be so peaceful right before your inevitable fate? However despite the such calming feeling, you know it’ll be a painful slow death. It doesn’t once cross your mind if you made the right decision. As the villain dashed towards you in pursuit of your life, you think once more about all the happy and swell times you’ve had. The greatness you’ve been able to experience. Enough to where a smile emerges on your beaten up face. And when it all seems to come to a close, everything turns white. Could it be what occurs after death? Could it be the afterlife? It all seem to happen so hastily. Right as you begin to submerge into your thoughts, a single cherry blossom appears. Where did it come from? Why is it here? Questions you thought of but didn’t care to know the answer to. All you could focus on was the beauty and warmth of the tree. The safety, the comfort it gave you. As you slump down and sit beneath the tree, you’ve come to the realization that this is the afterlife. As the scenery starts to fill in of your perfect utopia you’ve dreamt of, you sit beneath the tree staring out at it; content with how you lived, with how you decided to leave the precious earth, with how you decided to impact the world.


Hmm, well that involved a lot less screaming than I imagined that would...not gonna lie I was expecting something a little different and I would say I am pleasantly surprised by this. Its a interesting take on how a sacrifice like that goes down. There's no real context to judge exactly what this sacrifice might mean besides the fact that this is clearly meant to be the hero...which is interesting cause sacrifices are usually given proper weight when there's a good amount of context, but that aside, this is a pretty interesting depiction of a sacrifice. The hero just calmly accepts what's about to happen, and has pretty much let themselves passively get whatever's coming in the sense there's no final defense or attempt to take the villain to the land of the dead with them. And then its a pretty peaceful ending of someone that seems to be at peace with how they lived and how they died. So uhh, certainly almost a happy ending there....and well...I did like it. :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, a pretty solid little story here, It had a tiny quirk there with the dialogue that I pointed out but besides that, this was a pretty good read here. Aaand that's about all I've gotta say for now, so until next time. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




Tttu06 says...


Hi! Thanks for the kinds words and criticism! I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)



HarryHardy says...


You're Welcome!!



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Fri Jun 18, 2021 12:35 am
PixieStix wrote a review...



Hello, Pix here to review this for you!

First of all, welcome to YWS, I hope you find as much joy in this website as I do! :)

Topic:
I honestly love anything 'superhero', so I was automatically drawn to this peice. You defiitely got the cliche-vibes right on the head! I feel like with even more of a background, you could make this a really interesting novel. *whispers maybe even a children's book*

Plot:
This is a very short short-story. I can appreciate stories that get straight to the point, but like I already mentioned, I feel like there could've been some sort of background explaination. Who is the narrator? Do they have any powers? What's their appearance? Childhood history? I feel like all of those questions need answers, although; at the end I was left wanting more. This would be a perfect ending to a story, but I wouldn't say this makes a complete story-- if you know what I mean.

Grammar:

My corrections will be in bold.

She said, her tone all shaken up, quivering at the fear of losing you.


This sounds alot better.

"Thanks for your concern comrade, but death won’t take me today,” You reply, reassuring she has nothing to worry about, but you know that death is approaching you rather quickly.


,and with how you decided to impact the world.


I'm sure there are a couple other grammar mistakes, but they are small. Try to keep an eye ln run-on stentences, sometime's using too many commas creates distraction for the reader.

Format:

I feel like with dialoge, which you have used a lot here, should be seperated-- instead of being squeezed into a block paragraph. Maybe I'm just OCD, but it would look much more appealing if instead of having one large paragraph, you seperated it into smaller ones. Just a suggestion, though!

Overall, I believe this would be a great idea for a novel, etc. I can't wait to read more of your work!

-Pix




Tttu06 says...


Hey there! Thanks for the review! Yeah I wrote this up in not that long of a time and did not proof read it sooo... However, I will take those into account for next time I do something. Have a nice rest of your day/night!




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