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Sky of Seasons Chapter-2.2

by ImaginativeAlice


                                                

                                        CHAPTER-2.2  Someone is now gone far away!

Everyone got alert as they heard the sound of Dedred. He was banging the door fiercely. Their faces got numb, their brains stopped working.

"Open the door, don't be a coward," Dedred shouted and he started to knock more aggressively.

“Opa what do we do now?” Kiliarn quivered.

“ Now listen to me very carefully! You have to understand! Very carefully!” Opa said. “You three will now sneak away very quietly through the back yard door. Run from here as far as you can and hide. Hide in a place that no one knows. I will keep Dedred and his men engaged here as far as I can do.”

“But Opa! What about you?,” Ethan cried “ We can’t leave you here, they will take you prisoner.”

“Opa, we can’t let that happen,” Lyla said.

“Children! I am an old man. I will be nothing but a burden in your journey,” Opa argued. “ Besides, this journey is yours to take. This will prepare you for the more dangerous things yet to come.”

“What dangerous things? No Opa, I am not listening to anything, you are coming with us,” Kiliarn insisted and there came a loud bang on the door. And then came the fierce voice of Dedred.

“ Open it! Or I am gonna break this ridiculous door.”

“There is no time to lose in arguing. Now Lyla, bring that brown leather bag I gave you to keep,” Opa said . He gave that leather bag to Lyla five years ago and from then she has kept it safely in her chest. Opa made her promise him that she will not tell anyone about it, nor will she ever look what is in it. Lyla never broke her promise. In Fact she actually forgot about it.

“ What leather bag…….hmm…. Oh, that bag.” Lyla disappeared into her room and came back with a dusty and with a in spider webs covered brown leather bag. She gave it to Opa after she had wiped off most of the dust.

“Now Ethan, I gave this to Lyla to keep it safe for this day. I knew this day would come but didn’t know this soon and in this way….”

“What are yo…..”

“Don’t interrupt me, there is not much time.” Opa opened the brown bag and in there was a rusty little book. “This book was given to you by your Grandma for this day.” he handed Ethan the book. As Ethan tried to open the book it wasn’t opening.

“Opa, it is not opening.”

“Your Grandma said that when you will be on this dangerous journey, it will be your guide. Whenever you feel like you have lost your way this will show the right path. So use it well.” Opa was now unable to say anything, his voice was now quivering. “ Children, now go away, far from here. I hope God keeps you safe on this journey. My children! Go!”

“Opa, we are not leaving you,” Ethan said.

“ Oh god, I have raised such stubborn kids. Please go now! Please!” Opa pleaded.

“NO,” Lyla screamed.

“Children….please understand!I spent my entire life in Sunwane with your Grandma. Even if I have to die I would like to die here where there are so many memories of my wife,” Opa cried.

There came a loud bang and the door of their house was open wide. And there was Dedred’s harsh face and his men standing beside him with bows and arrows.

“Run children! Run..” Opa screamed.

They all ran out of the house from the back door, Dedred and his men were after them. They were running for their lives, they had nothing in their mind. They didn't know where to go. They were just running and running. And then, there came a scream, a painful scream. A voice so familiar!

Lyla stopped and turned over “Opa………” She screamed. One of Dedred’s men has shot an arrow that Opa got in the chest. He was crying in agony. Everything felt still, like time had stopped.

“Opa… Opa you will be fine! I won’t let anything happen to you!” Lyla sobbed. Opa was in her lap, taking his last breath. Ethan and Kiliarn were ahead of them. They now came to them and pulled Opa to the side where there were enough bushes to hide them.

Dedred and his men passed them, it was night time and there was nothing except the moonlight for them to see the path. Opa’s face was now turning pale, he was dying. Yes, he was really dying! The only guardian of the three children, the one who had taken care of them was dying in front of them. The situation was inexpressible.

“ Opa.. Opa don’t leave us! Please.. I beg you.” Ethan wept.

“Opa we have no one in the world except you, please don’t leave us! Please!” Kiliarn cried.

Opa gathered all his strength to say some last few words to his children.

“My children! Don’t cry, I am going to meet your grandma.” Lyla sobbed bitterly.

“I just want to say some last things, first, get away from here and try to live a peaceful life in the other realms. I know it won’t be easy, but I know I have raised brave children. And second, Ethan, if ever possible go to the Sky of Season and meet The Lady Deviner. There are some things only she has the right to tell you.”

“Opa, don’t lose hope you will make it and come with us on this journey.” Ethan said, but deep inside he too knew that Opa was at death’s door.

“Children, be brave! And Ethan, take care of them,” Opa gave out a breath of relief and his muscles relaxed. He was dead......


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Sun Jul 18, 2021 8:12 am
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey Alice! Forever Here for a review.
First of all, the title is grammatically wrong. It should be 'Someone has gone far now' If you don't want to change the position of now, fine but you have to replace is with has

Everyone got alert as they heard the sound of Dedred. He was banging the door fiercely. Their faces got numb, their brains stopped working.

A good beginning, of course.
"Open the door, don't be a coward," Dedred shouted and he started to knock more aggressively.

“Opa what do we do now?” Kiliarn quivered.

“ Now listen to me very carefully! You have to understand! Very carefully!” Opa said. “You three will now sneak away very quietly through the backyard door. Run from here as far as you can and hide. Hide in a place that no one knows. I will keep Dedred and his men engaged here as far as I can do.”

Though not sure, maybe 'a coward' is not the phrase here. The thing is if Dedred knows about the children, then it will be cowards and if he doesn't, it will be as it is. From the context, I guess it's the former.
The word is backyard, not back yard
Now, I am gonna guess the place is that cave which Ethan found when he and Kiliarn went to the forest.
“But Opa! What about you?,” Ethan cried “ We can’t leave you here, they will take you prisoner.”

“Opa, we can’t let that happen,” Lyla said.

“Children! I am an old man. I will be nothing but a burden in your journey,” Opa argued. “ Besides, this journey is yours to take. This will prepare you for the more dangerous things yet to come.”

Add an 'as' before prisoner. This seems to be kind of very sad... You have managaed to create sympathy for Opa in the last chapters. Let's see what is his fate...
“What dangerous things? No Opa, I am not listening to anything, you are coming with us,” Kiliarn insisted and there came a loud bang on the door. And then came the fierce voice of Dedred.

“ Open it! Or I am gonna break this ridiculous door.”

“There is no time to lose in arguing. Now Lyla, bring that brown leather bag I gave you to keep,” Opa said . He gave that leather bag to Lyla five years ago and from then she has kept it safely in her chest. Opa made her promise him that she will not tell anyone about it, nor will she ever look what is in it. Lyla never broke her promise. In Fact she actually forgot about it.

Hm... Seems like the grandmother had some powers, be it magical or whatever, it was some helpful powers indeed and maybe it was stored in the bag... Quite interesting. Put a comma after in fact
What leather bag…….hmm…. Oh, that bag.” Lyla disappeared into her room and came back with a dusty and with a in spider webs covered brown leather bag. She gave it to Opa after she had wiped off most of the dust.

“Now Ethan, I gave this to Lyla to keep it safe for this day. I knew this day would come but didn’t know this soon and in this way….”

“What are yo…..”

Just remove that hmmmm... It doesn't really fit in the dialogue. Opa seems to have some future telling powers. You have assigned quite interesting powers to all of them. I don't know if it's right to put ellipses when someone is interrupted but I think — is better in those cases.
“Don’t interrupt me, there is not much time.” Opa opened the brown bag and in there was a rusty little book. “This book was given to you by your Grandma for this day.” he handed Ethan the book. As Ethan tried to open the book it wasn’t opening.

“Opa, it is not opening.”

Hm... Can be a book giving directions, tips and tricks. Mysterious as it seems. And I guess it's really magical, because if a book opens only in times of need, it's magical.
“Opa, we are not leaving you,” Ethan said.

“ Oh god, I have raised such stubborn kids. Please go now! Please!” Opa pleaded.

“NO,” Lyla screamed.

Good job with the pacing. It clearly shows their haste and sad that Opa will not go with them... I feel sad for him.
“Children….please understand!I spent my entire life in Sunwane with your Grandma. Even if I have to die I would like to die here where there are so many memories of my wife,” Opa cried.

There came a loud bang and the door of their house was open wide. And there was Dedred’s harsh face and his men standing beside him with bows and arrows.

“Run children! Run..” Opa screamed.

They all ran out of the house from the back door, Dedred and his men were after them. They were running for their lives, they had nothing in their mind. They didn't know where to go. They were just running and running. And then, there came a scream, a painful scream. A voice so familiar!

Hm... Seems like it's set in the past when they use bows and arrows as weapons. And I guess that scream is Opa's scream... Oh! What happened with him! Was he beaten...
Lyla stopped and turned over “Opa………” She screamed. One of Dedred’s men has shot an arrow that Opa got in the chest. He was crying in agony. Everything felt still, like time had stopped.

“Opa… Opa you will be fine! I won’t let anything happen to you!” Lyla sobbed. Opa was in her lap, taking his last breath. Ethan and Kiliarn were ahead of them. They now came to them and pulled Opa to the side where there were enough bushes to hide them.

Oh he was dead. He took his last breath. You really killed him... Er... No... I don't blame you, I just feel a bit too sad. You really managed to create sympathy for him and now he will die...
“I just want to say some last things, first, get away from here and try to live a peaceful life in the other realms. I know it won’t be easy, but I know I have raised brave children. And second, Ethan, if ever possible go to the Sky of Season and meet The Lady Deviner. There are some things only she has the right to tell you.”

“Opa, don’t lose hope you will make it and come with us on this journey.” Ethan said, but deep inside he too knew that Opa was at death’s door.

“Children, be brave! And Ethan, take care of them,” Opa gave out a breath of relief and his muscles relaxed. He was dead......

Seems like a new adventure is gonna start. We have so many unanswered questions. Maybe we will get the answers to those questions. Then, the children cam also take revenge on them...
Overall, it was kind of a very sad chapter. However, obviously, it was great
Keep writing!
~Forever






Thanks<333



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Mon Jun 14, 2021 7:46 pm
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AshlynPhoenix wrote a review...



Hiya Ashlyn here for a review!! Before I dive into it though please know that this review is not intended to offend you or make your writing look bad!
Note: I haven't read any of the previous chapters so this might not be the best review ^^

"Open the door, don't be a coward," Dedred shouted and he started to knock more aggressively.

“Opa what do we do now?” Kiliarn quivered.

“ Now listen to me very carefully! You have to understand! Very carefully!” Opa said. “You three will now sneak away very quietly through the back yard door. Run from here as far as you can and hide. Hide in a place that no one knows. I will keep Dedred and his men engaged here as far as I can do.”

“But Opa! What about you?,” Ethan cried “ We can’t leave you here, they will take you prisoner.”

“Opa, we can’t let that happen,” Lyla said.

“Children! I am an old man. I will be nothing but a burden in your journey,” Opa argued. “ Besides, this journey is yours to take. This will prepare you for the more dangerous things yet to come.”

“What dangerous things? No Opa, I am not listening to anything, you are coming with us,” Kiliarn insisted and there came a loud bang on the door. And then came the fierce voice of Dedred.

“ Open it! Or I am gonna break this ridiculous door.”

My first reaction was-wow, this dialogue feels so natural so...dynamic. It promises an intense chapter. The fact that you occasionally left out a description before and after a person had spoke threw me off, but that's probably just stylistic choice ^^

They all ran out of the house from the back door, Dedred and his men were after them. They were running for their lives, they had nothing in their mind. They didn't know where to go. They were just running and running. And then, there came a scream, a painful scream. A voice so familiar!
“Opa………” She screamed. One of Dedred’s men has shot an arrow that Opa got in the chest. He was crying in agony. Everything felt still, like time had stopped.

“Opa… Opa you will be fine! I won’t let anything happen to you!” Lyla sobbed. Opa was in her lap, taking his last breath.


.... I felt something.
An authors main goal should be to bring the reader into their story, and one of the key ways that's done is through emotion Now, I can't speak for others, but my writing is usually at its most emotional when I plan out the death, and create the character I'm going to kill with the intention of getting the readers attached to him or her.
However, I knew nothing about this character, and still felt grieved at his death.
I think that tells shows alot about you as a writer :D
To wrap things up, please keep writing! You've got potential <3
BROUGHT TO YOU BY..
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Thank you Ashlyn for the review! Hope you take some time to read my previous chapters too.



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Sun Jun 13, 2021 10:48 am
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Alice,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

This was a very intense chapter with a lot of drama and a tremendous shock at the end. It's painful to witness a character die after so many chapters. I think it is necessary for the continuation of the plot and also for the character development of the children.

I liked the chapter because it can be seen as a conclusion to a "first" part. It seems as if the adventure is finally starting properly. I am curious to see how the next chapter will turn out, especially the development of the children, whether they are still grieving and where they will hide.

The chapter had a good pace, especially because of the dialogues which seemed very dynamic. I especially like that you don't see an immediate change in Lyla and co. after the last chapter. You keep it that they continue to be stubborn and want to protect their grandfather. This works well for the story; otherwise it would certainly be a bit abstract.

There was a big reveal too, with the leather bag and the book (that has the same name like your story :D). Now I am full of expectation that the book will still play a big expectation. I also thought it was great, right at that moment, to bring out that surprise and have Dedred and his men enter shortly after. It gives the right build up for later when Ethan has to find out for himself what it is all about. A good way to let a protagonist shine.

I also noticed that there are some occasional punctuation errors where you either mix up an incorrect punctuation mark, such as full stop, question mark or exclamation mark. Also, sometimes there is an unnecessary insertion of spaces at the beginning of a dialogue. This doesn't really interfere with the reading flow, (I think there are only one or two places where it reads a little funny) but it shows me at least that you have written the story very hastily.

If I'm wrong, please correct me; but I get the impression that you're very quick to write, and that's how mistakes like this come about. I think it has to do with the fact that you are writing the story with joy and pride, (which is perfectly normal; I know that feeling very well) and sometimes your fingers hit the space bar (or other keys) too quickly. My tip would be to leave the chapter for a while (a couple of hours) after you have finished it, so that you can clear your mind and forget the text for a while. Then come back and read it again and correct it. By having a break in between, you distract yourself and also shift down a gear. :D (Unfortunately, this kind of thing doesn't work in a time-limited school exam, of course :D) As I said, if I'm wrong about this, correct me.

Some points I noticed while reading:

Dedred shouted, he started to knock more aggressively.

I would change the comma to either a full stop or an "and" since you are only presenting two actions here. Or a semicolon to make the sentence more dynamic.
"Now listen to me very carefully! Understand !Very carefully!"

I would rewrite the "Understand" to "You have to understand" as otherwise it looks weird with the sentence "Very carefully" following it.
What dangerous things!

Here a question mark comes instead of an exclamation mark.
Opa made her promise him that she will not tell anyone about it, nor will she ever see what is in it. Lyla never broke her promises so she never opened that bag to see what was in it.

Since the two sentences express somewhat the same thing, I would rewrite it as: "... nor will she ever look what is in it. Lyla never broke her promise. She had never opened that bag." The second half of the second sentence is unnecessary here, as you already describe what the promise is before it.
Lyla disappeared into her room and came back with a dusty brown leather bag. It was covered with a fine layer of dust and spider webs. She gave that bag to Opa.

The paragraph is actually good, but if you rewrite it a bit, it doesn't seem so "simple". You could connect the first two sentences, for example, like this: "Lyla disappeared into her room and came back with a dusty and with a in spider webs covered brown leather bag. She gave it to Opa (after she had wiped off most of the dust.)" You are creating a repetition with the first two sentences,
Yes, he was dying!

This sentence from the narrator's mouth comes across as if he is happy that Opa is dying. I would rewrite it as "He was really dying."
He was dead!

Here again, it seems as if the narrator is happy about the end of the chapter, especially because of the exclamation mark at the end. Here you could either insert a full stop at the end or just three dots (...) to give an open ending to the chapter.

In summary, it was a very good chapter. You could clearly feel the tension between the children and their grandfather. The fact that this part is finished is like the end of an act in a play before the tragedy moves on to the next act. I liked the way the story is developing at the moment and am curious to see what will happen next. :D

Have fun writing,

Mailice.






Ah thank you Malice! I don't understand how you explain things so nicely, the writers get what you want them to improve easily( I am so bad at this).

And that tip is really nice, I think that tip was the thing I needed the most. I think in this way I will make less grammatical mistakes.

And yeah I can't tell you how excited I am to write the next chapters. There is so many things yet to come. I am so happy I started this novel.

You are my greatest supporter, I hope you be with me till the last chapter.




"He looks like a turtle who's been through the Vietnam war."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi