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Eclipse: Chapter 1

by RealSadhours296


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

General Content Rating: 18+

Story Content Warnings: Heavy Swearing, Blood and Gore, Death, Racism, Sexism, Ableism, Homophobia, Transphobia, Exorsexism, Child Abuse, Underage Shenanigans (Drinking, Smoking, etc.), Suicide

Current Chapter Content Warnings: Heavy Swearing, Blood

Viewer Discretion is Advised

#1: The Awakening

Notes: A sentence written in English that is italicized in dialogue means that a language other than English is being spoken, and has been 'translated' by the omnipotent narrator for you convenience.

Darkness.

Yes, that was what she was seeing right now, darkness.

She had been conscious for a while, and would have quickly fluttered her eyes open; but her mind felt heavy. She was in the purest bliss.

There was nothing to worry about as long as her eyes were closed. Yes, her entire body ached in a way that was unfamiliar to her, and yes, the surface she laid on was cold and hard and uncomfortable; if she opened her eyes however, she would have to think. Despite the fact that she had just recently woken up, she was already tired of thinking.

But of course, she was thinking right now, and her curiosity and boredom were besting her; so she opened her eyes and saw a white marble ceiling hanging far up above.

That was when she realized she didn’t know where she was.

Her heart raced at the sudden revelation. Her upper body shot up in fear, but lost its balance. She fell back on the surface she laid on with a thud, and tried to raise her right hand to clutch her aching head.

Only to find that, for some reason, she couldn’t even move her right hand.

She couldn’t even feel her right hand.

She twisted her head to the right, and beheld a long, white sleeve that connected to the shirt she wore. The hand that was supposed to have stuck out of the end of that sleeve wasn’t there.

She tried to raise her left hand, wrapped in various colored cloth strands; it was a successfully attempt. She placed her left hand on her right arm, feeling for the right hand that was supposed to be there.

She noticed how the sleeve strangely trailed up to above where her elbow would be, as if nothing was wearing it. Her fingers traced from her shoulder to her arm; the action ended earlier than it was supposed to.

The realization hit her like a train.

Her right arm was gone?

...H-Her right arm was gone!

As her heart pounded furiously in shock; she attempted to move her other limbs. She knew her left arm was okay. What about her legs? Do they work?

Yes, yes, they do. She still has her legs and her left arm. Calm down. Ease your breathing. Think rationally.

The first thing she has to do is stand up. Yes, that’s what she should do. Stand up and observe her surroundings. Figure out where she is.

She propped her left arm on the surface she laid on, and lifted her upper body up. This time she didn’t lose her balance, and was able to survey her surroundings clearly.

The entirety of the room she was in was made out of the same white marble…at least…she thinks it’s white. The intricately designed windows adorning the walls revealed the night sky plainly. This room wasn’t very well lit.

She looked down to see what she was laying on…which appeared to be a tall, pure black slab over three times her size. An altar perhaps? But for who? A giant? The decorations engraved all over it were rather strange-looking. In fact, everything in the room looked ethereal and otherworldly.

She cautiously scooted herself off the altar, and placed her two feet on the ground. Strange, she noted. She wasn’t wearing any shoes. At least she had tights on; who knows how dirty the floor is.

Looking to her right, she saw another altar almost identical to hers.

A boy rested on top of it.

She clutched her altar; preventing herself from spazzing out and falling in surprise. A light gasp escaped her throat; the first sound she uttered.

The boy’s closed eyes tightened, and he grimaced; moaning in annoyance. As he groggily rose up, she took the time to study the boy’s features. African descent. Rather tall and muscular. rectangular-ish faced. Dressed rather casually in a navy and white varsity jacket, a green cameo shirt, khaki pants, and red running shoes.

The boy let out a yawn, took one look at her, and in a frenzy scooted off the altar he laid on. “Who the hell are you!?” He shouted with a cautious glare, clutching his alter with one hand and clenching his fist with the other.

She winced at the blaring voice that entered her eardrums. What on earth was he saying? “…I’m sorry, but I don’t understand you. do you speak Japanese?” She knew he was speaking another language, and its name was on the tip of her tongue, but she just couldn’t remember it.

The boy blinked a few times, before raising an eyebrow. “…Sorry, I don’t speak Chinese. English? Do you know English?” He emphasized with a confused and slightly frustrated tone.

…Ah! English! Suddenly she could understand the words he had said.

Ignoring the Chinese comment, she searched through her mind for a response, and fished out a name. “…Noriko.” She couldn’t remember her last name for the life of her. She’d have to settle with giving her first name for now, even if it made her uncomfortable. “My name is Noriko…I’m sorry.” She apologized quickly. “I could ask the same for you. What is your name? Who are you?”

Noriko’s calming tone relaxed the boy, who’s mind was racing with a hundred different questions. He knew this girl’s name: Noriko, but who was she? Where even is he? Why is he here?

In order to get the answers to those questions, he’d have to give this girl a name. “…Brian.” It worried him how it took him actual effort to recall it. How could he have forgotten his own name? His fear transformed into more anger, and his glare strengthened. “But who are you? Do you have something to do with this?!”

Noriko looked to the side, staring out of one of the windows. “No. I woke up on one of those alters, just like you. As for who I am…I…”

Dread consumed her. Where was she born? Who are her parents? How old is she? What was the last thing she remembered?

She searched, and searched, and searched for these answers. Nothing came up. “…I don’t know.” She spoke stiffly, clutching onto her black accordion skirt.

“What? What do you mean you don’t know?!” Brian shouted in frustration.

Noriko gave Brian a subtle glare of disapproval. “Please, keep your voice down. Panic will get us nowhere-”

“I’m not panicking! I think I have the right to be angry considering my situation!” Brian did not lower his voice in the slightest. If anything, he was even more loud.

Noriko reluctantly nodded in agreement. “You’re right, I suppose. Do you remember who you are?” She asked cautiously.

…The boy’s face grew more and more horrified by the second. “…I-I…I can’t remember anything…I can only remember my name-”

“¿H-Hola?”

Noriko and Brian turned their heads towards the sudden new voice. A third altar next to Noriko’s altar, across from Brian’s altar, presented a scrawny boy. He was clearly of Spanish descent based on his skin color and the language he was speaking, and his hair was a deep red. “W-what’s going on? W-who are you people?” If the two could see the boy’s hands under the yellow rain-poncho he was wearing; they’d probably be fidgeting furiously.

Brian glanced at Noriko; raising an eyebrow. “Can you speak Spanish too?”

“A little bit. Hold on a second.” She turned her gaze back to the crying soul, giving him a reassuring look. “Hey. It is okay. Can you speak English?”

The boy ceased his quiet whimpering, and slowly nodded. “Y-yes. I am speaking English a l-little bit. I-I am not good though.”

Brian bit his lip tightly, trying to block the giggles that threatened to escape his throat at the poor grammar and the heavy Spanish accent. Noriko also found it a bit amusing, but refused to show it with any sort of action. She’s not rude like that.

“That’s perfectly fine.” Noriko reassured the boy. “Do you know your name?”

“…Ah…Aden? My name is Aden.”

“Nice to meet you Aden. My name is Noriko, and the boy next to me is Brian. Do you remember where you are from, or what you were doing before you got here?”

“…I…”

Aden bit his lip tightly, tears trailing down his cheek as he shook vigorously, the realization terrifying him to his very core. “I-I am s-scared!”

Noriko and Brian somberly watched Aden curl up into a ball on the altar…

…And then, another yawn was heard in the distance. Brian and Noriko beheld another altar, across from Noriko, next to Brian and Aden. A blonde, slightly curvy girl wearing a black leather jacket stepped down from this altar. Clad in bright pop colors; she would’ve stood out among a crowd.

Stretching her arms; the new girl let out a lazy moan. “Who’s interrupting my beauty sleep…?” She slurred out in French.

French was another language Noriko knew, but not as well as English or Japanese. “We are sorry. Now is not the time to sleep. Do you speak English? I could explain everything better.”

The new girl opened one of her eyes in confusion before she let out a squeal. Clutching onto the alter behind her; she frantically glanced between the three strangers before her. “Quoi?! I-I’m sorry but who the hell-”

“I’m Brian, she’s Noriko, and he’s Aden. We all woke up in this room with only our names. No memories about who we are or why we’re here.” Brian deadpanned. He wanted to get the explanation over with. “Unless you’re an exception. You remember who you are?”

The girl let out a huff. “Of course I do! My name’s Diantha! Diantha…” She trailed off; searching for a last name in her mind, but turning up with nothing.

An eerie silence filled the marble room. The only sound heard was the subtle rustling of what sounded to be trees from the outside, and Aden’s fearful, quiet sobs.

Brian was the one to finally break the ice. “Ok…so what the hell is- Woah! Are you ok? Your arm…” Forgetting his question, he noticed Noriko’s loosely hanging right sleeve; blood stained and covering the stub that was her arm.

“I…lost it but…I’m fine.” Noriko answered reluctantly. She was still processing it; her missing limb. The feeling of loss hadn’t fully sunk in yet, but she felt it grow stronger with Brian’s reminder.

“W-what!” Aden shouted in worry; lifting his head from between his legs with a tear-stained face. “You do not have the arm?”

Diantha also responded to this news with concern. “Are you sure? A missing arm isn’t really something to pass off…”

Noriko nodded her head. “It doesn’t seem to be bleeding so I think I will be fine…Do any of you have injuries?”

Brian, Aden, and Diantha surveyed every inch of their body at the question. 

“I’m just bruised up. I feel like I got cornered and beaten to a pulp.” Brian answered simply.

Diantha ran her hand through her hair, touching the medium-sized gash on the upper right part of her head. “It hurts like a bitch right here. I feel a bit winded.” She sighed out; staring at the floor in dejection.

Aden blinked, pondering for a moment before shrugging. “I feel fine.”

The three teens turned to Aden and inspected him. He was definitely not “fine.” A few large, ugly bruises covered his face and neck. Most importantly; something was completely wrapped around his left eye. Stains of blood stuck out under the wrapping.

Diantha cautiously stepped towards Aden, who eyed the approaching blonde with slight distrust. He didn’t protest however when she cautiously placed a hand on his cheek, and inspected the wrapping closely. “…Is that…duct tape?”

That comment was enough for the Noriko and Brian to race over to Aden and see the scene for themselves. “…It…it is!” Brian muttered out; completely dumbfounded. “Dude! Why would you wrap your eye with duct tape?”

Aden shrugged in response; shifting his position and glancing all over the place. He was nervous from the attention “…I…I do not know. I do not seem to can rem…I cannot remember why.”

Noriko lifted her hand to her temple; massaging it slowly. “It is going to be a pain, peeling it off. You must have been desperate to have used duct tape…” She commented quietly.

Diantha sat down next to Aden on the altar, giving him a concerned frown. “Are you sure it doesn’t hurt?”

Aden quickly shook his head. “No, I am fine. It is not bad.” He gave a strained smile to the three.

A friendly smirk formed on Diantha’s face. “Well, we all seem to be hitting it off, despite our situation.” She spoke with enthusiasm to the others. “Maybe we shouldn’t focus on ‘whats’ and ‘whys.’ We should focus on how to get help instead.”

Brian grimaced. “But who’s to say we can even trust each other? We know nothing about each other.” His retort earned a glare from Diantha.

“Brian is very right.” Noriko reasoned calmly. “We know nothing about each other, and one of us very likely could be behind this stressful situation. However, the disadvantages of being alone are much more numerous than the disadvantages of working as a team. If we work as a group, then we’re less susceptible to any dangers we could face. Therefore, it is best to trust each other for now.”

Brian gazed at Noriko; slowly processing her reasoning. Those were a lot of big words Brian found to be confusing and most importantly, absolutely needless. He eventually got what she said though, and glared off to the floor; muttering a hesitant ‘okay.’

Diantha clapped her hands together in relief at Noriko’s agreement. “Then I suppose our first goal is to find a way out of this room!”

The four kids observed their surroundings. Besides the four alters surrounding the center of the room, it was rather bare. The intricate designs across the walls and floors were the only things preventing it from feeling completely dull and encaging.

However, against the wall that Diantha’s alter pointed to was a large tapestry divided in the middle. The intricately designed curtains covered a hallway; its length unable to be determined due to the distance. “Well that was difficult.” Brian muttered sarcastically.

Noriko paid special attention to the art the tapestry presented. A strange…insignia perhaps? Or a symbol? A four-pointed star like shape, divided into four sections. each section contained a different shape and color: a red circle, a blue triangle, a purple square, and a pink diamond.

Whatever it meant; she had no idea. Maybe it was some sort of religious symbol she had never seen before?

Noriko stepped through the curtain covered hallway, pushing the piece of cloth out of the way and disappearing behind it. Brian quickly followed suit, glancing at every corner around him as he too disappeared behind the curtain. Diantha extended her hand to the still fearfully Aden, who took it hesitantly. She gently led him through the curtains.

The hallway wasn’t that long, and the four teens stopped at what appeared to be the beginning of a pair of staircases. One lead down to the left, and one led down to the right.

Noriko twirled on her heel; giving an unspoken question to the other three. Which way?

Diantha shrugged, and walked closer towards the staircase. “Am stram gram, Pique et pique et colégram…” She recounted a rhyme as she pointed her finger back and forth between the two staircases.

Eventually, her finger landed on the left staircase. “Pique! I’m going down the left one!” She decided as she skipped down the stairs. Noriko sprinted after her; urging her to slow down so they could stick together.

Brian would have dashed down the stairs after the two girls, but felt someone cling onto the end of his sleeve before he could go very far. He twisted to the side to see Aden staring up at him with unease. “¡E-espere! I cannot keep up…do not leave...por favor.”

Brian gazed at the small red-head's puppy dog eyes; unable to determine what he felt in that moment. Was it pity? Or was it something else?

Eventually he shrugged. This pipsqueak can’t do much harm to him “Sorry man, I'll slow down for you.”

Aden beamed at Brian; his eyes shining with joy. “¡Gracias!”

Brian didn’t know exactly what the phrase ‘grassy ass’ meant, but he could guess based on the context.

The two boys walked down the left staircase, following the two girls they woke up with.

Special Author Note: 

So...I started writing this story I believe a year ago? Possibly more than that! and have been rewriting the earlier chapters as my writing style improved. 

I want to see if it's worth reforming and turning into a published book series, or animation, or comic series, so here it is for The Young Writers Society to see. Depending on how well this is received I might post more of the chapters I've already written once I gain enough points.

To any reader that finds and finishes this work, thank you for taking your time to read the first chapter of a story I have been passionate about for a while now! I'm still pretty amateurish when it comes to writing, but hopefully as time goes on I'll improve even more than I already have.


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Thu Jul 29, 2021 7:08 pm
mordax wrote a review...



Hey there! I'm here to start at the beginning... You know me from chap 7 so let's jump right in!

There was nothing to worry about as long as her eyes were closed.

I love this line. Super relatable and I can feel this exact feeling, the consciousness of everything around you but the quiet peace and darkness behind closed eyelids.

saw a white marble ceiling hanging far up above.

That was when she realized she didn’t know where she was.

I would suggest combining these two paragraphs because it feels unnecessarily choppy now with them apart.

She fell back on the surface she laid on with a thud, and tried to raise her right hand to clutch her aching head.

I suggest changing the wording of this sentence both for grammar and flow. Right now, it feels wordy and as though the description is forced rather than seamless. You could take out some unnecessary descriptors and verbs and it would do the trick. For example: "She fell back with a thud, her head cracking against the ground. Squinting against the ache in her temples, she lifted her hand to massage her head." Then transition to the realization that she can't move her hand. This would also provide more of a shock to the reader given that it is written as though she has already moved her hand, then the knowledge that she is momentarily paralyzed is revealed and the reader feels they are discovering this knowledge with the character.

She twisted her head to the right, and beheld a long, white sleeve that connected to the shirt she wore. The hand that was supposed to have stuck out of the end of that sleeve wasn’t there.

Here, I recommend similar word cutting as before. There are a few times throughout this chapter where descriptions feel wordy and choppy and unnecessary parts can be cut out. For example, here, it is already known that a sleeve connects to a shirt, so that addition is unnecessary. Also, instead of stating how a hand that should poke out of the end doesn't, perhaps describe how loose and floppy the sleeve looks lying upon the ground (what does the ground look like? Hard concrete? Wood?) This will paint a better picture of the general scene and the shirt without a right arm.

She tried to raise her left hand, wrapped in various colored cloth strands; it was a successfully attempt.

I recommend not using "tried" here as it creates a more passive tone, stating: she tried this, and succeeded. Instead, I recommend using a more active tone, such as: She raised her left hand, sighing with relief when it moved at her command.

The realization hit her like a train.

This is more of a personal preference, but instead of saying how this realization impacted her, I suggest describing her thought process and reaction to the realization, that way, readers can feel this sudden impact just as strongly rather than being told it should be felt strongly.

This room wasn’t very well lit.

I hope I don't sound redundant, lol, but here is another part where I suggest the fated "show don't tell". What is the source of light? The stars? Moon? Perhaps candles? If so, what ambiance does it create? Candles would cast many long shadows and yellow, orange light. The moon would spread out the light more evenly and look a silver glow.

The decorations engraved all over it were rather strange-looking. In fact, everything in the room looked ethereal and otherworldly.

I would love to know what these engravings look like to seem so strange, or what the other aspects of the room look like to seem otherworldly. I can understand the ethereal sense, given the marble, but the otherworldly vibe was not received until this sentence.

Suddenly she could understand the words he had said.

This part confused me a bit. So she couldn't understand him because he was speaking a different language than her, but once she knew it was English, she could understand everything? Or did she just know the word English and could comprehend that much? If it is the former, is it because of some kind of magic? Other else than, that doesn't make much sense to me. If it is the latter, I suggest rewording this sentence to show that she could understand that he spoke English but not much else.

She couldn’t remember her last name for the life of her. She’d have to settle with giving her first name for now, even if it made her uncomfortable.

She expressed a lot of fear for having lost her right arm (which is entirely understandable) however, I would think that she would feel shock or fear at not remembering her last name. That seems like a huge part of identity that couldn't just be ignored for the time being. No matter how reasonable someone is, waking up without remembering your last name, missing your right arm, and being on an altar with other strangers is bound to put someone is shock.

asked cautiously.



…The boy’s face grew more

I have to suggestions here. First, the ellipses after "cautiously" insinuates a break between parts and threw me for a loop given that you continue in the same scene right after. If you were wanting to create suspense and the "crickets" moment as they sat in silence, I suggest just stating it so, for example: They sat in silence, (then describe their expressions and how those expressions change with their changing emotions). As for calling Brian "the boy", given that his name has been stated and both Brian and Noriko know him as such, calling him "the boy" is unnecessary and creates an impersonal feel as though he is unknown to the current narrator.

Brian bit his lip tightly, trying to block the giggles that threatened to escape his throat at the poor grammar and the heavy Spanish accent. Noriko also found it a bit amusing, but refused to show it with any sort of action. She’s not rude like that.

This is more of a character point than writing. They are all in a sudden shock and coming to learn that they are not alone in it, so Brian laughing at Aden's English seems harsh and unrealistic. Perhaps his laughter is hysterical, however, Noriko sees the humor of it as well... Also, Noriko is not a native English speaker, or so I assume given she didn't understand Brian at first, so she is also bound to have an accent. Overall, Brian's laughter seems to not fit the situation or his tumultuous emotions regarding this sudden traumatic event.

Those were a lot of big words Brian found to be confusing and most importantly, absolutely needless. He eventually got what she said though, and glared off to the floor; muttering a hesitant ‘okay.’

This is another part I found confusing. Brian is the only native English speaker yet it is him that struggles with Noriko's big words? If this narrator is omniscient, then why not have Aden struggle to understand given he seems to be the worst with English?

Overall, this was a great first chapter! I only have a few other points regarding plot and characters that I have already touched a bit on previously. Firstly, I love the different dynamics between the characters and how cool-headed Noriko is, but given the circumstances, I often found her reason and calm nature to be a bit unbelievable. She likely has the worst injuries out of all of them, and missing a limb is no small thing. She knows four--four?--languages and manages to calm everyone else down despite being in the same circumstances as them. It seems all a bit much to handle, and I would expect her to go into some kind of shock, even if she only displays it through silence and drawing into herself. Also, her constant movements such as rubbing her head, sprinting, etc would all remind her of her missing arm and would provide likely even more shock.

Other than this, I enjoyed this chapter! I hope Aden become a bit less of a crybaby, lol, but I have a feeling his emotion and empathy will be the glue for this group, reminding them to care and feel this sense of humanity rather than lose it in the face of trauma.

I'm intrigued by this plot... Altars... Makes me think they are some kind of sacrifices. I don't know if you have ever seen Promised Neverland, but it is giving me very similar vibes.

Great writing and I will see you again sometime in chapter 2! (Let me know if any of my reviews are redundant or anything, I would hate for you to read the same thing in multiple reviews lol because I didn't read the other reviews on this work before mine)

Mordax






Thank you so much for the review! You gave some good points about my writing style. There's some stuff I need to work on, and some edits I should expect from an editor if I go that far, finish this series, and then prepare it for publication.

I'm glad you've taken interest in my story. I hope you continue to enjoy the future chapters!



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Wed Jul 28, 2021 8:22 am
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey! Here as requested:
So, as you mentioned, I will mainly be focusing on the character development and the flow of this story.
Plot development
It was a great start. The title of your story matches perfectly with this chapter and I hope the same for the others too. You managed to create a perfect atmosphere for the story. It was all dark. Literally the only hope was that they were together, nothing else. It went well. And I am quite sure this is gonna be a great one with some crazy fantasy stuff(though there's nothing called crazy in fantasy) and an adventurous spirit. As for this point of time, I guess their journey will be escaping from the place where they were trapped in and the twist is maybe one of them is the culprit and someone is the hero who did something and like both their attacks backfired... I will not guess too much now. I might be wrong after all. But yes, everyone forgetting their name and their past... Quite interesting.

Character development
This chapter actually makes me wonder who is gonna be the main character or these 4 ppl will be the main characters. But maybe, the protagonist can be Noriko. Who knows.
Noriko: She seems to be a pretty decent girl and I guess courageous. Like, a person has lost her hand and still she kept it quiet for some time. She seems to be a friendly person and calm. Like she doesn't shout back when that boy, I have gotta see the name, shouted at her, she didn't shout back.
Brian: He seems to be a bit arrogant at the first instance, I don't know if he is that because of nervousness but doesn't seem so. He seems to be a person who can't easily trust people and is kind of suspicious of everything. However, he underwent a change in the ending of the chapter, as it seems. Or maybe, he is like that, friendly but short-tempered. Who knows.
Aden: Hm... A nervous fellow, he seems to be. He actually appears to be a pitiful person and he, I guess, will have some friendsip with Brian in the future. I really wonder about the duct tape. Why did he really covered his eye with one... I do have a guess, but I am not gonna reveal now. :P
Diantha: I don't really know... But does she like sleeping? Or she is kind of attracted towards beauty? Or maybe she is just a carefree person... Like she did that pique... Or whatever and followed the way that matched. So, it's not wrong to say she is kind of whimsical or carefree.

This is what I could say after reading this chapter. Hope you find this at least a bit useful and I will get to the next chapters soon. It was a great read.
Keep writing!
~Forever




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Tue Jun 15, 2021 8:48 pm
WinnyWriter wrote a review...



Hey, there! I saw your second chapter and decided I'd better start at the beginning. I think I'm liking the story so far. You've definitely started out with a sense of mystery that evokes curiosity on the reader's part. I feel like the waking-up-with-no-memories thing is kinda common, but if you take it in an interesting direction, it doesn't have to be cliche.

I like the racial diversity. Also, although I am not bilingual, it appears to me that you have at least a decent grasp on the other languages you've incorporated, so I definitely commend you on that.

You've done pretty well describing the setting, even if it is a bit of an odd one. One thing that seemed a little off, though, is that the characters talked like there was no way out of the room, when there was clearly at least somewhat of an exit - but I guess if they woke up in there and had never seen it before, it would be really easy to think they were trapped. Speaking of which, I like how you've shown the confusion, but if I were you, I might try to amp up the panic a little bit. But that's just a suggestion you can either take or leave.

I noticed you went back and forth with your spelling of "altar." (Sometimes you used "altar" and sometimes you used "alter.") The first one is the correct spelling for the noun; "alter" is a verb. Another area that could be improved is the verb tense. I noticed it's kind of inconsistent. For example, take the sentence that says, "At least she had tights on; who knows how dirty the floor is." You've used the past tense verb "had" in the same sentence as the present tense verb "is." Things like that are what I'd suggest watching out for. It could really become confusing if the verb tenses aren't consistent with each other.

One last comment is on punctuation. I've noticed that you're buddies with the semicolon; while this can be a great tool in your toolbox, make sure you know when it's technically proper to use it and when something else - like a dash - would be more appropriate

Well, again, take or leave what's beneficial to you. Good job with this chapter, and thanks for sharing your talent!






Thank you for your review! I'm glad you're enjoying this so far. I'll address your compliment on the language diversity, and the misspelling of altar along with the verb tense.

I'm not bilingual in the slightest either. I took German for two years, but don't remember much of it. I really don't want to misrepresent any foreign languages, so I heavily research each phrase or word before I use it. This means starting with google translate and then looking through multiple websites on the proper translation. There are limits to this method however; such as the inability to write phrases or words in specific dialects of a language.

Moving on; I actually noticed altar was misspelled on every occasion in this chapter before I published it! I tried to correct every instance of it but I guess I missed some spots! Thank you for pointing out the verb tense inconsistency by the way! I'll try to correct any of those mistakes in the future!

I hope you enjoy the rest of this novel, and the ones after it (It'll likely be a three book series). Once again, thank you for your feedback!



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Mon Jun 14, 2021 8:17 pm
AshlynPhoenix wrote a review...



Hiya Ashlyn here for a review!! Before I dive into it though please know that this review is not intended to offend you or make your writing look bad!

She winced at the blaring voice that entered her eardrums. What on earth was he saying? “…I’m sorry, but I don’t understand you. do you speak Japanese?” She knew he was speaking another language, and its name was on the tip of her tongue, but she just couldn’t remember it.

The boy blinked a few times, before raising an eyebrow. “…Sorry, I don’t speak Chinese. English? Do you know English?” He emphasized with a confused and slightly frustrated tone.

…Ah! English! Suddenly she could understand the words he had said.

Ignoring the Chinese comment, she searched through her mind for a response, and fished out a name. “…Noriko.” She couldn’t remember her last name for the life of her. She’d have to settle with giving her first name for now, even if it made her uncomfortable. “My name is Noriko…I’m sorry.” She apologized quickly. “I could ask the same for you. What is your name? Who are you?”

Noriko’s calming tone relaxed the boy, who’s mind was racing with a hundred different questions. He knew this girl’s name: Noriko, but who was she? Where even is he? Why is he here?

In order to get the answers to those questions, he’d have to give this girl a name. “…Brian.” It worried him how it took him actual effort to recall it. How could he have forgotten his own name? His fear transformed into more anger, and his glare strengthened. “But who are you? Do you have something to do with this?!”

It's established from the start of the chapter that this is from Noriko's PoV, I found the insights into Brian's PoV a bit sudden, but then, I know there's a style of writing that's all about switching PoVs throughout the narrative ^^
Aden bit his lip tightly, tears trailing down his cheek as he shook vigorously, the realization terrifying him to his very core. “I-I am s-scared!”

Noriko and Brian somberly watched Aden curl up into a ball on the altar…

…And then, another yawn was heard in the distance. Brian and Noriko beheld another altar, across from Noriko, next to Brian and Aden. A blonde, slightly curvy girl wearing a black leather jacket stepped down from this altar. Clad in bright pop colors; she would’ve stood out among a crowd.

Alright, my guess is that they've been captured by a cult or trafficking ring of some kind. Ahhh but whats the deal with the alters? Why were they left on the alters alive? Why were there arms removed?
Now I'll be honest-I can't count the number of times I've seen story that involved a setting where the main characters have no memory of who they are and find themselves in a weird place so I've become a bit desensitized. Is there a way you could spice things up? Twist things?

A friendly smirk formed on Diantha’s face. “Well, we all seem to be hitting it off, despite our situation.” She spoke with enthusiasm to the others. “Maybe we shouldn’t focus on ‘whats’ and ‘whys.’ We should focus on how to get help instead.”

Brian grimaced. “But who’s to say we can even trust each other? We know nothing about each other.” His retort earned a glare from Diantha.

“Brian is very right.” Noriko reasoned calmly. “We know nothing about each other, and one of us very likely could be behind this stressful situation. However, the disadvantages of being alone are much more numerous than the disadvantages of working as a team. If we work as a group, then we’re less susceptible to any dangers we could face. Therefore, it is best to trust each other for now.”

Brian gazed at Noriko; slowly processing her reasoning. Those were a lot of big words Brian found to be confusing and most importantly, absolutely needless. He eventually got what she said though, and glared off to the floor; muttering a hesitant ‘okay.’

So we have the skeptic, the nervous boy, and the smug and the prideful, and the voice of reason. Need I say cliche? Honestly though, I think you could have more fun the dynamics here. What if all of them were reasonable like Noriko, so reasonable in fact, that they got nothing done? Or what if all of them were to shy to trust each other, which lands them in some awkward situations?
Just something to think about ^^
And then, another yawn was heard in the distance. Brian and Noriko beheld another altar, across from Noriko, next to Brian and Aden. A blonde, slightly curvy girl wearing a black leather jacket stepped down from this altar. Clad in bright pop colors; she would’ve stood out among a crowd.

Stretching her arms; the new girl let out a lazy moan. “Who’s interrupting my beauty sleep…?” She slurred out in French.

French was another language Noriko knew, but not as well as English or Japanese. “We are sorry. Now is not the time to sleep. Do you speak English? I could explain everything better.”

I love that you have people who speak a language other then English. Representation is important ^^
That concludes this review! Please keep writing and improving! You'll be great some day <33
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Thank you for your insights. I hope you enjoyed reading it!

Funnily enough, when I finished creating these characters, I realized how cliche they can be on paper. I personally don't think cliches are bad as long as you spice things up in your own way and, in terms of stereotypes, add more depth to the characters so they aren't simple cutouts. That's what I hope I'll have done by the time I finish this.

The 'amnesiac in a strange room' idea was actually heavily inspired by a cartoon I really like. It's called 'The Hollow' and it's on netflix. In fact, the concept for this story was first created when I thought to myself, 'Ok but what if The Hollow was *blank.*' and boom! Eclipse was born. I honestly had no idea it was a trope or common at all.

If you're interested in reading the rest; what's actually going on may surprise you! Again, thank you for your feedback.





Your welcome! Sounds like I'm in for a ride then ^^



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Mon Jun 14, 2021 5:14 am
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Sunflowerdemon3712 wrote a review...



So I really enjoyed this, quite a lot actually! So I really liked how you have the characters who aren't native english speakers not speaking like perfectly and Aden kind stops a couple times to fix sentences. So one thing I do have a bit of a complaint about is that everyone at least knows english because this is just an assumption but I assume they are from different parts of the world (like a four corners of the world kinda thing where you have some from each part) and I think it would be cool to see language barriers actually get in the way of conversation and sometimes even caused a little bit of a problem. That's of course just a personal opinion and you don't have to change it cause it is still quite good the way it is. Another little complaint I have is that it kinda felt like the characters were talking in a blank room so maybe ad a little bit more description but that's a small nit pick. Over all I loved the story and I can not wait to see more of it and I encourage you to keep posting (or publishing cause I would pay for it). Anyway have a great day! Bye : )






Thank you for your feedback! I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter!

Addressing your second concern...yeah, I tend to write dialogue-heavy a lot and know that very well. It's mostly because when I read things myself it's very, very easy for me to get distracted and zone out to long-winded descriptions (purple prose distracts me so easily); this of course affects my writing as a result. To be fair, the room these kids are in...is pretty bare; but I know I can improve with descriptions, thanks for pointing it out.




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Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient premises.
— Samuel Butler