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I'm Not Planning On Finishing This Because My Attention Span Is Bad

by Purple67


THE BEGINNING

I don’t remember things that easily, but what I do remember in my almost-teenage years is that it was super cold outside. Like so cold you needed a bunch of jackets clinged to your skin just to survive the cold. But just putting on heaps of jackets wasn’t gonna get you anywhere. You also needed sweaters and warm boots and warm hats. But enough with that blabbering nonsense. Here’s the story.

12 years old at the time I lived with my grandparents in a crimson-red house near the mountains. Unlike all the beige houses with broken roofs and all the grey houses, our house was special. It was strong and sturdy with shiny windows. We stood out from all the houses in the mountains and it looked pretty too. But as much as I liked what it looked like on the outside, the energy was not as good. 


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Sun Jun 13, 2021 4:24 am
slubbs24 wrote a review...



Hello slubbs with a review :D

I found it to be a captivating introduction.
I like how you set the narrator in their teenage years and explained the cold setting.

In the second paragraph you could absolutely vision everything, Your word chose really helped me pick through the writing and piece things together.

I do hope you continue to write this story because you have left me hanging with a lot of unanswered questions.

I wish I could have a longer review but my tired brain say enough is enough.

Hope you continue you the story :DD

~slubbs




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Fri Jun 11, 2021 6:35 pm
LittleLee wrote a review...



Good day to you, Purple67!

Hmm, this is quite a short introduction. It can be moulded into almost anything, so it's a little saddening to know that you probably won't finish this.
I'm going to review this as more of a writing prompt/pitch than a story.

I don’t remember things that easily, but what I do remember in my almost-teenage years is that it was super cold outside.

Fairly interesting hook, because it can lead to anything.

But enough with that blabbering nonsense. Here’s the story.[/quote
You did tie the two paragraphs together by mentioning that the narrator lived in the mountains, but I would honestly have liked to see a stronger connection, given that half of this piece is just about how tremendously cold things were.

looked pretty too

Why? It's made of different materials, but that doesn't make it automatically pretty.

But as much as I liked what it looked like on the outside, the energy was not as good.

This intrigued me the most. It could lead to literally anything; a deep psychological story, or one of fantasy and magic. It's fascinating.

It's overall fairly well-written. However, like I said, this is more of a prompt or vague idea than a concise story, so I can't give you any feedback that would actually be useful to you. So I say good work, and keep writing! Hopefully you'll show us something bigger soon!

~ Lee




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Thu Jun 10, 2021 6:32 pm
WinnyWriter wrote a review...



Hey there! Thanks for sharing your writing with us. I like how you've set the stage with something both specific and vague. The specific part is the "super cold" setting. The vague part, of course, is that you've placed it in the narrator's "almost teenage years." I like how it sorta sounds like they don't remember for sure when it happened. While you later clarify and exact age, I think this gives the idea that the narrator's age was relatively unimportant.

As has been mentioned already, it seems like the super cold setting probably is significant to the plot in some way. It's an great way to get the reader interested in what's going to happen.

I personally think you went a little overboard with the details on just how cold it was. I mean, you kind of have a bit of an description dump that could be more concise. I also noticed you used the word "clinged." I'm assuming you meant "clinging"? That would be the correct word as far as verb tense, but the way you talk about jackets clinging to your skin almost makes it sound like the clothes are wet. Maybe think about using some different wording to give a little more relatable mental image.

I like how you wrote "our house was special." Being that your short story is incomplete, I'm not sure where you were going with that, but it sounds fascinating. It gives me the feeling that there's something special about the house that goes beyond its outward appearance.

The way you've concluded is both strong and weak. You've done well in building up the visual description to point to the greater issue. However, the wording is also a little unclear. I'm assuming you mean that there was a negative atmosphere in the home. But you worded it in such a way that it's not quite clear enough where this "energy" is. I'd probably try to include the phrase "on the inside" to contrast the phrase "on the outside."

I hope you decide to finish your story sometime!

-Winny




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Thu Jun 10, 2021 3:43 pm
InuYosha wrote a review...



Heyo it's InuYosha for a short review!!!!

I don’t remember things that easily, but what I do remember in my almost-teenage years is that it was super cold outside.


I like this intro. 8/10 Introductory sentence.

Like so cold you needed a bunch of jackets clinged to your skin just to survive the cold. But just putting on heaps of jackets wasn’t gonna get you anywhere. You also needed sweaters and warm boots and warm hats. But enough with that blabbering nonsense. Here’s the story.


So since you've spent multiple sentences talking about how cold it is, I would assume the story will lead to something connected to being cold or cold temperatures.

12 years old at the time I lived with my grandparents in a crimson-red house near the mountains. Unlike all the beige houses with broken roofs and all the grey houses, our house was special. It was strong and sturdy with shiny windows. We stood out from all the houses in the mountains and it looked pretty too. But as much as I liked what it looked like on the outside, the energy was not as good.


I'm curious why this person is living with their grandparents instead of actual parents, so hopefully you'll explain that in later installments. Your description is very nice, and your last sentence was slightly foreshadowing.

9/10 overall introduction, I would say. I can't give this a really long review because it's literally two paragraphs, but I still hope you're satisfied with this review!

-InuYosha




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Thu Jun 10, 2021 5:03 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I don’t remember things that easily, but what I do remember in my almost-teenage years is that it was super cold outside. Like so cold you needed a bunch of jackets clinged to your skin just to survive the cold. But just putting on heaps of jackets wasn’t gonna get you anywhere. You also needed sweaters and warm boots and warm hats. But enough with that blabbering nonsense. Here’s the story.


Hmm...well that's an interesting point to get this story started here. Looks like the protagonist of the story is talking to us a little and getting ready to tell the story here perhaps...and well, lots of references to how cold things tend to get, I wonder how that's going to factor into the story. The way that you repeat it so many times and it goes on for a while makes me think its supposed to be quite important, but then you do call it blubbering nonsense. Well, interesting start to this story at any rate.

12 years old at the time I lived with my grandparents in a crimson-red house near the mountains. Unlike all the beige houses with broken roofs and all the grey houses, our house was special. It was strong and sturdy with shiny windows. We stood out from all the houses in the mountains and it looked pretty too. But as much as I liked what it looked like on the outside, the energy was not as good.


Oooh, well we get left off on a bit of a mystery there that one...and hmm, I think that really lends itself well to how short this little story is. The description at the very start is certainly quite helpful. It helps establish a base for the story in terms of exactly what kind of setting it is talking about, and especially how you mention that this house is unique in that it is the only one in the region to now be broken down into disrepair definitely helps you get a feel for the place and then you also get a free mystery as you try to figure out why that's the only house that is made in such a way. And then of course that ominous last line about how the energy inside is not good. That certainly was a very well placed last line there. All in all a pretty exciting little piece this one. :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Wed Jun 09, 2021 5:03 pm
LilPWilly says...



Oh shoot
This character development!!
And the bit at the end about the evil mother sandwich, gripping, no really.

So my favorite part is how much you leave open for inference, I really took a wild ride.




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Wed Jun 09, 2021 4:36 pm
Purple67 says...



This is what happens when you write on a whim kids.





I love how we all band together to break things...
— Kelpies