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LoaMR: Ch. II: The Intruder 6 (Reworked)

by MailicedeNamedy


Emma had no idea what had happened to her.

She blocked out the last few hours. Memories are deceiving, she thought, after being offered a chair to stare at the cold grey wall. She could not understand it.

Was it all a bad dream? She felt pain. It had to be reality. Her emotions rolled over between uncertainty and fear. Embarrassed and with a bucket of shame, she wanted to cry when she thought of her grandfather. There was no going home to Regenschloss, no warm bed or encouraging dolls in her room. Not a tear came from her eyes.

***

It had surprised Gerhard Weißmann, the head of the Speckern police station, to see Erich and Philipp doing their duty, so to speak. For their young age, they were feared by the population. Their recklessness had gotten them into inimitable situations several times, like just the other day when Philipp fell into the 100-Mile river with a horse. Nothing had happened to the horse, except for getting a little wet.

He locked the suspects in single cells to get the details. Around late afternoon they were interrogated. Weißmann took care of finding out the truth himself.

The two were in shock; they told what had happened. They found a note that led them to the mill. There they were confronted with the owner.

The inspector listened to them attentively. As a Speckerner, he was familiar with the mansion in Sehlingen. If he had rather expected some boys to break in, he was all the more relieved to hear that they had not known the owner.

Weißmann told them about the connection between the Lödingen murders and a tip from a person that the perpetrator had probably gone into hiding in the old Boulder Mill. As a father of two daughters and three sons, he knew what their guardians would now have to go through. He had notified them after the interrogation. For him, there was no connection between the two and the killer. They must have taken the message for themselves. Fortunately, Emma and Martha had lost the note from Léonard on the way to the mill.

Emma and Martha had to bridge the time in the cells. Furthermore, Weißmann consulted his best police officers to comb the entire area. The escaped prisoner had to be somewhere. He also sent out several telegrams to other stations to warn them of Léonard de Waarfay.

***

Emma was afraid of her grandfather. What was the future going to bring? Was her name pre-marked in the files? Cruel scenarios came to light about how she would be sentenced. She stood before the Imperial Criminal Police Office and was sentenced to life in prison.

But the HePo were friendlier than she imagined. Some of them brought over water and biscuits.

Around the sunset, Friedrich and Josef picked them up.

Relieved that nothing had happened to them, there was a portion of mercy. The tiny wound on Martha's knee and the torn clothes became a minor ache. The shackles had already been forgotten, only the red spots were still slightly visible. Emma felt like a dwarf between all of them when his grandfather asked a question.

"What will happen to them now?" Friedrich addressed the inspector.

"Nothing at all. We assume that they found the message unintentionally. When we have the real culprit, we can say more," Weißmann replied, "We are now searching for the escaped person."

Josef gave a big sigh as if he had just been freed from all guilt.

"That bastard only brings problems. Why don't we just tear down the villa?"

"There will be no consequences. After all, you are underage and have nothing to do with the whole thing," Weißmann smiled, "Just make sure you don't go out on adventures anymore. If you want to have real adventures, come to the LSG!"

He handed them brochures about the League of Sagauvelian Girls, the counterpart to the League of Sagauvelian Boys (LSB).

“To start a regular life in the Greater Sagauvelian Empire, it is important to begin with this early in childhood,” he explained eagerly. “In some sports clubs, it is already compulsory to be a LS member. In addition to sports, games and fun, comradeship, ties to the homeland and survival exercises in disaster situations awaits you. The bravest and most eager participants of the LSG and LSB could take part in the annual summer sports games, the Imperial and Palatinate Sports Games of the Sagauvelian Empire. Isn´t that exciting?”

Embarrassed, Emma and Martha accepted the booklets and returned the smiles. They both declined an offer of a biscuit on the ride home. Faber's carriage was the place every child dreaded during the journey. What was waiting for them now? It got worse because no one started shouting. The guardians spoke with a conscientious tone. There was no real trouble. Rather, they had already been punished by breaking into the villa. They were lucky to have escaped with the scare. Of course, they had to promise not to let guileless stupidity prevail again. Faber dropped the comment that Léonard had bewitched them to lure them into the villa.

By the next morning, word of the incident had spread. The Sehlingers broke through the door and windows of the villa and destroyed everything that had not already been smashed by their forefathers. They would have liked to set everything on fire but were fortunately stopped by the HePo, who rushed past. Silence remained outside the victims' doors. Neither Emma nor Martha left their rooms.

While it worked for Martha to distract herself, her friend could not resolve this remorse.

Léonard had abandoned Emma. But she was also worried about him. But isn't he also a murderer? How far could he escape with the handcuffs? Tear-filled anger made her pillow fly to the window. An apology could not undo anything. She wanted answers.

After anger came sorrow.

The feverish feeling of a contracted stomach led her to hate and miss him at the same time with every movement.

The hours passed. The departure became brighter. While the flowers blossomed and the world enjoyed the beginning of summer, Emma had the impression on her last afternoon that Sehlingen was the darkness and Regenschloss the light. She wanted to forget everything as quickly as possible. Léonard had become a distant memory. Had she made him up?

***

No drops fell.

It was cloudy, but not raining. Emma made herself comfortable in her bed one last time. The sadness of not seeing her grandfather for a long time was compensated by seeing her mother again.

She didn't know if it was because of Léonard or because of her. She felt more grown-up. This emptiness cut her off from her family. Emma felt a missing, warm shoulder.

In the middle of the night, she was woken up by a bad dream. After them, she usually hid under the covers and didn't dare open her eyes. Then there was a knock at her window. Lapsed in the nightmare, the knocking did not let up.

The window was gently nudged for five minutes. It resembled a melody. Crouching under the blanket, she reminded herself to have a carrier pigeon there. Goosebumps woke her up.

"It's me, Léonard," came from the other side at some point after the knocking melody came to an end.

"Léonard?"

Emma ran there, pulled the curtains aside and saw him standing on the ledge.

"How did you get up here?" she whispered after opening it.

Her worries and anger were blown away.

"I'll stay outside. I've got to go in a minute," he croaked and sat down on the board, legs dropping down, "Sorry to have woken you up. I've been knocking on almost every window in the house..."

He looked down at the garden. His climbing skills and balance were perfect. Both were speechless.

For a while, she gaped at him. Embarrassed, Emma wanted to tidy up her messy room. The dolls and teddy bears lay crisscrossed on the floor.

"I'm so glad nothing happened to you," she said, distraught.

He smiled. Actually, she had intended to tell him something different. Now that he was fine, she was getting angry.

"You left us alone!"

“You are innocent. I would have come to help you, don't worry. I just wasn't allowed to come to the station in person," he explained tersely, "Well, I didn't come here to talk about that. I'm here to apologise for what I did. I am also relieved that nothing happened to you. This provincial HePo is not like being out of town."

"Have you ever been arrested by the HePo?"

"No.", he replied with a grin, "A friend. He was chased out of university. Must have been a nice chase when they ran through the city. You could even read it in the newspaper."

"Really?"

Emma was worried. What kind of friends did he have?

"Doesn't matter. He's fine, physically speaking."

There was a pause. She eyed him from head to toe. His presence made her loosen up.

"Who are you really?" she asked with awe.

It was a serious question. The first one where she wanted an answer. Not finding it in his eyes, he turned away.

"It's too dangerous to know more about me."

"You didn't come to Sehlingen to solve this murder. That was too long ago. The real culprit must be dead or a hundred years old by now! “

Léonard took a deep breath.

"I can't tell you everything. It's a game of hide and seek. I don't do it willingly, but it is necessary. “

He paused.

"I am hiding from nameless people who have found out about me. I thought I was safe here for the time being, but I was deceived. I strongly assume that the murder of the Lödingen officials were these people.

“It is also true that I am not particularly interested in your great-grandfather. I can only say with certainty that these nameless people are responsible for it."

"Who are they? Did you want to meet them at the mill?"

He nodded.

Moonlight entered the room. Rotating clouds and silver light turned him into a ghost. His body seemed to quiver. A cat was jumping around between the treetops. Emma would have liked to pull him in and not let him go. When the clouds cleared, the silver breathed new life into her eyes.

"That's all I can tell you. I want to say goodbye."

"Are you going home? You're wanted now!"

She felt unwell. Unpleasant nausea stuck in her stomach. Acid stained her throat. Stinging swallows made her lose a single tear.

With a gentle finger, he caught it on the cheek. His coldness was in complete contrast to the velvety touch.

"I've been wanted for a long time. Not by that stupid HePo."

"You mean the nameless people, don't you? Who are they?"

"You won't understand it."

"Where are you going?"

She was desperate and could not say why. Had he become so important to her? She held his hand tightly. She wanted to ask a question but didn't dare put it in her mouth.

"Not home. I have a new lead. Because I've just come from this meeting."

"They have shown themselves now? That was a rotten trick of theirs!"

He nodded.

"What happened? Was it the nameless people?"

Léonard smiled.

"Wouldn't you rather know how I got rid of the handcuffs?"

She shook her head.

"You probably have a pocketknife hidden somewhere, right?"

Léonard smiled. He pushed her hand back and knelt on the ledge. He was about to jump down when he turned to her one last time.

"We will meet again, Emma. I'll be coming to Regenschloss soon."

Before she could say anything in reply, he was downstairs. He disappeared through the neighbours' gardens. Nimble as a cat, he sprinted past the Falk family's swing and disappeared into the darkness. The girl stayed at the window for a long time. She was awakened by the cooling wind. Emma was happy.

Léonard is coming back. This time even to Regenschloss!

END OF CHAPTER II

To Chapter III.1.


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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okay...so we had some interesting mysteries revealed to us here...although I think this chapter seals the deal for me as far as our main characters our considered. More details on all that down below.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Emma had no idea what had happened to her.

She blocked out the last few hours. Memories are deceiving, she thought, after being offered a chair to stare at the cold grey wall. She could not understand it.

Was it all a bad dream? She felt pain. It had to be reality. Her emotions rolled over between uncertainty and fear. Embarrassed and with a bucket of shame, she wanted to cry when she thought of her grandfather. There was no going home to Regenschloss, no warm bed or encouraging dolls in her room. Not a tear came from her eyes.


Hmmm...that's an odd scene to start off on...but I suppose these is an expected aftermath for the events that took place at the end of the previous part. With Emma finding herself in as much trouble as she did, how it would all manage to make her feel this horrible about things is fairly realistic.

It had surprised Gerhard Weißmann, the head of the Speckern police station, to see Erich and Philipp doing their duty, so to speak. For their young age, they were feared by the population. Their recklessness had gotten them into inimitable situations several times, like just the other day when Philipp fell into the 100-Mile river with a horse. Nothing had happened to the horse, except for getting a little wet.

He locked the suspects in single cells to get the details. Around late afternoon they were interrogated. Weißmann took care of finding out the truth himself.


Soo...these two particular officers are some of the harshest ones in the village...could that maybe be why the two of the were sent in order to track down and capture Léonard here, after all, they do believe him to be a murderer that commited two murders, so they expect him to be a fairly dangerous individual and its not like they're even wrong.

The two were in shock; they told what had happened. They found a note that led them to the mill. There they were confronted with the owner.

The inspector listened to them attentively. As a Speckerner, he was familiar with the mansion in Sehlingen. If he had rather expected some boys to break in, he was all the more relieved to hear that they had not known the owner.

Weißmann told them about the connection between the Lödingen murders and a tip from a person that the perpetrator had probably gone into hiding in the old Boulder Mill. As a father of two daughters and three sons, he knew what their guardians would now have to go through. He had notified them after the interrogation. For him, there was no connection between the two and the killer. They must have taken the message for themselves. Fortunately, Emma and Martha had lost the note from Léonard on the way to the mill.


Hmm...so they seem to have done some lying there, it looks the old tried and tested technique of the half truth being employed there to ensure that they can both be released, after all they're definitely not going to be Team Léonard after what just transpired, or at least I hope so, for their own sakes.

Emma and Martha had to bridge the time in the cells. Furthermore, Weißmann consulted his best police officers to comb the entire area. The escaped prisoner had to be somewhere. He also sent out several telegrams to other stations to warn them of Léonard de Waarfay.


Hmm, well, I suppose Léonard will have no trouble escaping that particular manhunt, he seems to be the sort of person that would be rather adept at the sort of thing, not to mention we've got some kind of mysterious contract situation that's still not really resolved at all.

Emma was afraid of her grandfather. What was the future going to bring? Was her name pre-marked in the files? Cruel scenarios came to light about how she would be sentenced. She stood before the Imperial Criminal Police Office and was sentenced to life in prison.

But the HePo were friendlier than she imagined. Some of them brought over water and biscuits.

Around the sunset, Friedrich and Josef picked them up.


Hmm...well, the police may have been kinder to them that they expected, but I have a feeling the real damage is going to be done courtesy of their guardians here...this is shaping up to be an interesting chapter.

Relieved that nothing had happened to them, there was a portion of mercy. The tiny wound on Martha's knee and the torn clothes became a minor ache. The shackles had already been forgotten, only the red spots were still slightly visible. Emma felt like a dwarf between all of them when his grandfather asked a question.

"What will happen to them now?" Friedrich addressed the inspector.

"Nothing at all. We assume that they found the message unintentionally. When we have the real culprit, we can say more," Weißmann replied, "We are now searching for the escaped person."


Hmm...well the girls are good at lying at least, they've managed to spin the tale quite nicely and the fact that they are essentially strangers to Léonard and the fact that the police think him to be a rather dangerous person is playing to their advantage quite a bit here.

Josef gave a big sigh as if he had just been freed from all guilt.

"That bastard only brings problems. Why don't we just tear down the villa?"

"There will be no consequences. After all, you are underage and have nothing to do with the whole thing," Weißmann smiled, "Just make sure you don't go out on adventures anymore. If you want to have real adventures, come to the LSG!"


Did that man just end that with an actual advertisement to some kind of group...cause that was not a twist that I was expecting in the slightest here....that's quite a turn to make from wanting to tear down the villa belonging to a suspected murderer.

He handed them brochures about the League of Sagauvelian Girls, the counterpart to the League of Sagauvelian Boys (LSB).

“To start a regular life in the Greater Sagauvelian Empire, it is important to begin with this early in childhood,” he explained eagerly. “In some sports clubs, it is already compulsory to be a LS member. In addition to sports, games and fun, comradeship, ties to the homeland and survival exercises in disaster situations awaits you. The bravest and most eager participants of the LSG and LSB could take part in the annual summer sports games, the Imperial and Palatinate Sports Games of the Sagauvelian Empire. Isn´t that exciting?”


Yeah, that just literally descended into a full on commercial there, and it's a very random way to end the scene, not that its not realistic, I love seeing little details like that included in the worldbuilding, but sometimes some details are just unnecessary and too random to be included in a scene like that.

Embarrassed, Emma and Martha accepted the booklets and returned the smiles. They both declined an offer of a biscuit on the ride home. Faber's carriage was the place every child dreaded during the journey. What was waiting for them now? It got worse because no one started shouting. The guardians spoke with a conscientious tone. There was no real trouble. Rather, they had already been punished by breaking into the villa. They were lucky to have escaped with the scare. Of course, they had to promise not to let guileless stupidity prevail again. Faber dropped the comment that Léonard had bewitched them to lure them into the villa.

By the next morning, word of the incident had spread. The Sehlingers broke through the door and windows of the villa and destroyed everything that had not already been smashed by their forefathers. They would have liked to set everything on fire but were fortunately stopped by the HePo, who rushed past. Silence remained outside the victims' doors. Neither Emma nor Martha left their rooms.


Okay....that scolding went a little better than I thought there, although the silly prejudices and superstitions that both of those guardians seem to share really come to a forefront there. Aaand it looks like the villagers end up going to town on the villa itself too.

Once again I find myself concerned by the pacing. I feel like you tend to summarize and breeze past some genuinely important story moments like this scolding be in just the one paragraph, while sometimes things go into unnecessarily detail for scenes that have no real bearing on the story like that LSG commercial earlier. You might want to reconsider some of those choices there.

While it worked for Martha to distract herself, her friend could not resolve this remorse.

Léonard had abandoned Emma. But she was also worried about him. But isn't he also a murderer? How far could he escape with the handcuffs? Tear-filled anger made her pillow fly to the window. An apology could not undo anything. She wanted answers.

After anger came sorrow.

The feverish feeling of a contracted stomach led her to hate and miss him at the same time with every movement.

The hours passed. The departure became brighter. While the flowers blossomed and the world enjoyed the beginning of summer, Emma had the impression on her last afternoon that Sehlingen was the darkness and Regenschloss the light. She wanted to forget everything as quickly as possible. Léonard had become a distant memory. Had she made him up?


This is once again a bit of quick flurry of emotions. This is quite an emotional range being discussed here and in most situations I'd be rather happy to see something like this in a story, cause it shows a powerful emotional journey, but I feel like it happens too fast. You could start with that first stage of anger and then show her experiences somewhat more gradually in the story until it comes to that point where she starts to imagine whether Léonard hadn't even existed.

No drops fell.

It was cloudy, but not raining. Emma made herself comfortable in her bed one last time. The sadness of not seeing her grandfather for a long time was compensated by seeing her mother again.

She didn't know if it was because of Léonard or because of her. She felt more grown-up. This emptiness cut her off from her family. Emma felt a missing, warm shoulder.

In the middle of the night, she was woken up by a bad dream. After them, she usually hid under the covers and didn't dare open her eyes. Then there was a knock at her window. Lapsed in the nightmare, the knocking did not let up.


Hmm, okay, looks like things are about to move forward from the previous scenes now, I still feel like its too fast to do so...buut, well, this should at least tell us a few things about what could happen next here, and that proves to be exciting, so let's see where this takes us.

The window was gently nudged for five minutes. It resembled a melody. Crouching under the blanket, she reminded herself to have a carrier pigeon there. Goosebumps woke her up.

"It's me, Léonard," came from the other side at some point after the knocking melody came to an end.

"Léonard?"

Emma ran there, pulled the curtains aside and saw him standing on the ledge.

"How did you get up here?" she whispered after opening it.

Her worries and anger were blown away.


Wow, she just immediately accepts him back the moment that he showed up. He didn't even apologize, wow, Emma can't possibly that much of a naive person...at this point he character really comes across as this very weak person who barely has a personality outside of suddenly being pretty attached to Léonard. She's gotta show some other emotion in front of him, she barely had a few thoughts of doubt..before now when she's all happy to seem him this quickly.

Hmm, well with any luck, she at least yells at him once he's in a more stable place than the window ledge..cause otherwise all the emotion you built up so far is going to all fall into nothing.

"I'll stay outside. I've got to go in a minute," he croaked and sat down on the board, legs dropping down, "Sorry to have woken you up. I've been knocking on almost every window in the house..."

He looked down at the garden. His climbing skills and balance were perfect. Both were speechless.

For a while, she gaped at him. Embarrassed, Emma wanted to tidy up her messy room. The dolls and teddy bears lay crisscrossed on the floor.

"I'm so glad nothing happened to you," she said, distraught.

He smiled. Actually, she had intended to tell him something different. Now that he was fine, she was getting angry.

"You left us alone!"


Well...finally phew, I was really starting to get worried about this for a second there, Emma show some confidence please...ahh...you have every right to call this man out on so many levels.

“You are innocent. I would have come to help you, don't worry. I just wasn't allowed to come to the station in person," he explained tersely, "Well, I didn't come here to talk about that. I'm here to apologise for what I did. I am also relieved that nothing happened to you. This provincial HePo is not like being out of town."

"Have you ever been arrested by the HePo?"

"No.", he replied with a grin, "A friend. He was chased out of university. Must have been a nice chase when they ran through the city. You could even read it in the newspaper."

"Really?"

Emma was worried. What kind of friends did he have?


Hmm...I do hope she doesn't accept all of that at face value. If I were here...I wouldn't believe a word out of that man's mouth unless he started to show some actual proof cause he's proven himself a very capable liar to pretty much everyone and he only seems to be using the girls to further his own ends.

"Doesn't matter. He's fine, physically speaking."

There was a pause. She eyed him from head to toe. His presence made her loosen up.

"Who are you really?" she asked with awe.

It was a serious question. The first one where she wanted an answer. Not finding it in his eyes, he turned away.

"It's too dangerous to know more about me."


Not really sure awe is the word for that, that really doesn't tie in with this being a serious question and her demanding to know more about what Léonard is...also Léonard giving the most cliché answer in the book there, you know by that point that he's not someone you should ever trust.

"You didn't come to Sehlingen to solve this murder. That was too long ago. The real culprit must be dead or a hundred years old by now! “

Léonard took a deep breath.

"I can't tell you everything. It's a game of hide and seek. I don't do it willingly, but it is necessary. “

He paused.

"I am hiding from nameless people who have found out about me. I thought I was safe here for the time being, but I was deceived. I strongly assume that the murder of the Lödingen officials were these people.


OKay..."nameless people" sounds a touch on the lamer side, not gonna lie, but uhh, well I suppose this might as well be the truth them. Léonard is on the run from a group of people maybe because he knows something he shouldn't or more likely he did something that he shouldn't have.

It is also true that I am not particularly interested in your great-grandfather. I can only say with certainty that these nameless people are responsible for it."

"Who are they? Did you want to meet them at the mill?"

He nodded.

Moonlight entered the room. Rotating clouds and silver light turned him into a ghost. His body seemed to quiver. A cat was jumping around between the treetops. Emma would have liked to pull him in and not let him go. When the clouds cleared, the silver breathed new life into her eyes.


She is seriously far too worried about someone that barely gave her half and apology and doesn't seem interested in trusting her at all. How young is she? Cause this level of blind trust is...very hard to attribute to her just being young.

"That's all I can tell you. I want to say goodbye."

"Are you going home? You're wanted now!"

She felt unwell. Unpleasant nausea stuck in her stomach. Acid stained her throat. Stinging swallows made her lose a single tear.

With a gentle finger, he caught it on the cheek. His coldness was in complete contrast to the velvety touch.


Hmm...well interesting move by Léonard, I think I've just found myself really not liking the main character here...cause this scene just does not give off the sort of vibe that I imagine you intended it to give off.

"I've been wanted for a long time. Not by that stupid HePo."

"You mean the nameless people, don't you? Who are they?"

"You won't understand it."

"Where are you going?"

She was desperate and could not say why. Had he become so important to her? She held his hand tightly. She wanted to ask a question but didn't dare put it in her mouth.


Hmm...that's finally an important question there, cause I've seen zero signs as to how Léonard could've become that important. Some long terms friends would've been far less accepting and far more mad at Léonard for the way that he acted earlier, so for her to act this just screams unrealistic to me.

"Not home. I have a new lead. Because I've just come from this meeting."

"They have shown themselves now? That was a rotten trick of theirs!"

He nodded.

"What happened? Was it the nameless people?"

Léonard smiled.

"Wouldn't you rather know how I got rid of the handcuffs?"


Hmm, this guy is trying far too hard to escape the questions and distract her at the moment. Also getting out of handcuffs is an unusually easy thing if one knows to be prepared with the right stuff.

She shook her head.

"You probably have a pocketknife hidden somewhere, right?"

Léonard smiled. He pushed her hand back and knelt on the ledge. He was about to jump down when he turned to her one last time.

"We will meet again, Emma. I'll be coming to Regenschloss soon."

Before she could say anything in reply, he was downstairs. He disappeared through the neighbours' gardens. Nimble as a cat, he sprinted past the Falk family's swing and disappeared into the darkness. The girl stayed at the window for a long time. She was awakened by the cooling wind. Emma was happy.

Léonard is coming back. This time even to Regenschloss!


AHh...well very mixed feelings on that ending here. On one hand, I like this mysterious new group and the few reveals that we've had. I feel like we're getting setup for some pretty intriguing things with how that's going, but I find myself liking our protagonist less and less with each passing part, and the girls aren't exactly doing wonderfully either. I think its probably just me, but the way that all three of them act just doesn't look healthy for anyone involved the way I see it. Well I will still continue reading though, the mystery is interesting enough to keep me going, but I've kind of already lost hope in Léonard as a protagonist.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall...I'm excited to see where this is going. We've got maybe a couple more dimensions mystery added to this and at the moment, its like we've been tossed the corner pieces of a big puzzle and we've been told nothing about how it all fits together...and I l really want to see this completed image. Well, the second chapter comes to an end...so let's see what's up with the third one. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry






Thank you very much for your review! :D



HarryHardy says...


You're Welcome!!



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ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey! Forever here with a review!

A lot of fortunate things happening in this part. First of all, these two girls got rid of the police and that also without any sorts of major difficulties. This Gerhard Weißmann doesn't seem to be a ruthless human being. That's quite an advantage on our characters' side. I was quite amazed that the HePo was convinced of their words. That was quite kind of him to believe them when they had no proofs. Also that makes me a bit suspicious of him.

Something which I wonder about the orphanage now. Many murders were done in the orphanage but seems like they are still unknown. Otherwise, it would be quite strange if the police hadn't taken any action. I am afraid when they are known, Leonard will be accused of this tremendous crime.

So they are underage. I find this fact quite interesting. I assume that these girls are near about 17 years or higher. Otherwise, young women is not the perfect term for them. You referred to them as young women in the former parts of this chapter. So I assume Leonard's age is around 24 to 25 years. And this age... this age makes Leonard even more emotionally mature.

Now to the latter part. leonard has met the men and I am quite interested to know what happened in that meeting. These nameless people... Most interesting creatures on the Earth. I like how you have created a mystery about the character of Leonard. Now I want to see a part from his perspective. It would be quite interesting.

Also, the total word count of the chapter is above 10000, that is what my calculator says. You have gotta work on that. Overall, quite a great chapter. :D

Keep Writing!!

~Forever






Thank you for your review! Good guessing for the ages! :D



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Sat Sep 04, 2021 6:51 pm
RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hey Mailice!

RandomTalks here back with another review!

I really liked this chapter ending. It is mostly based around the characters, especially Emma, and I think this exactly what we needed after two highly action-driven parts, to look into the characters and understand what is going on.

I liked how Emma took the center wheel here. Getting arrested is certainly a very significant event in one's life and I liked reading about her confusion and and her growing doubts about Leonard after the entire event. For the first time, she seemed to be looking past her infatuation and the charismatic mysterious front that Leonard puts up in front of the world, and trying to understand who he really is as a person and if she knows him at all. However, it seems like all that development in her thought process vanishes into thin air once Leonard comes back. Instantly she goes back to her old ways and instead of questioning and doubting, she starts worrying and crying for him.

On the other hand, I think this part would have been a lot more clearer and easier to understand if it had been in Leonard's point of narration. Because sometimes I really can't seem to understand what he actually wants. I can tell that solving the murder is not his first priority, and there is something bigger he is playing at. But I also cannot understand why he would come back to Emma when he didn't seem to hesitate in leaving her behind the other day. I don't really think he actually cares for her, yet his behavior in this part almost seemed to suggest that he does, which totally makes me wonder what games he is playing. Because it just cannot be that simple, nd he always has ulterior motives. I also think that this is why you have been avoiding his POV for quite a while now, it is easier to keep the suspense in wraps if we are seeing the story from other perspectives.

I find it a little strange that Martha was almost nonexistent in this part considering she and Emma had been in it together. I sometimes feel like she is just this side character that keeps on flowing in and out of the story at random times. Maybe you could make her appearances a bit more consistent?

One other thing I really liked about this part was the setting, especially in the beginning when the mood was quite dark and somber and Emma was reflecting on all that had changed since Leonard had come into their lives. I thought that part was portrayed very well.

That's all. Have a great day!




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Mon Aug 23, 2021 3:27 pm
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Liminality wrote a review...



Hi Mailice! It looks like a bunch of different plot elements are being tied together in this chapter. A lot seems to have happened, even though Léonard is still free as usual. Emma’s swinging from hating to being worried about him was the biggest feature of this chapter for me.

Characters

Emma seemed to be the main focus of a lot of this part, especially her emotions and mental state about Léonard. I noticed this sense of disorientation in her point of view, for example in:

She blocked out the last few hours. Memories are deceiving, she thought, after being offered a chair to stare at the cold grey wall. She could not understand it.


and
Léonard had become a distant memory. Had she made him up?


It makes me wonder if Emma is in a fragile state of mind at this moment, sort of becoming detached from reality.

Léonard had abandoned Emma. But she was also worried about him. But isn't he also a murderer? How far could he escape with the handcuffs? Tear-filled anger made her pillow fly to the window. An apology could not undo anything. She wanted answers.


Emma’s mixed feelings come across quite clearly in this section. I thought this section was meant to last longer, somehow? It seemed that she would have more questions or thoughts before throwing her pillow at the window. But maybe that’s just me.

Yet soon after he arrives at her window, she seems to start siding with him again:

"They have shown themselves now? That was a rotten trick of theirs!"


The girl stayed at the window for a long time. She was awakened by the cooling wind. Emma was happy.
Léonard is coming back. This time even to Regenschloss!


Given all that, with this last scene, I got the sneaking sense that Léonard is manipulating her somehow. His persuasion when talking to her seems all too easy, as if he’d put in the effort to say exactly what would get her to trust and accept him, even though the information he gives her is so vague. (Or, perhaps, I’m the one being paranoid now? >.>)

Plot

I like that there’s a bit of tying up of all the plot points that have been introduced so far, for instance Emma going home to Regenschloss, the plot about the HePo and Léonard’s fishy associates. At this point, I’d imagine the next chapters might take place in Regenschloss, or with alternating points of view from Regenschloss and Sehlingen.

I wonder why Léonard wants to see Emma again. Perhaps to ask her things about her family and solve the mystery?

Setting

I thought that Weißmann handing them the brochures gave the impression that this empire is full of propaganda and propagandists. After all, it seems to be an ‘educational’ move, like he thinks he’s guiding them to the ‘right path’. The way he explains it so over-enthusiastically and Emma and Martha’s awkwardness also gave the impression that the HePo are trained to do this sort of thing. I wonder if the LSG and LSB might become more directly involved in the plot later.

Style

There was no going home to Regenschloss, no warm bed or encouraging dolls in her room.


This line was sort of phrased as if there’s really no hope of her going home, but she does go home by the very end of this chapter. I didn’t quite get the sense that Emma might have been exaggerating or that she was fearing things without enough evidence, so I was surprised at how easily they were let off. Seeing Weißmann’s point of view did make it seem more rational, though. I wonder if there’s a way to foreshadow from the beginning that Emma was just panicking or being paranoid.

Moonlight entered the room. Rotating clouds and silver light turned him into a ghost. His body seemed to quiver. A cat was jumping around between the treetops. Emma would have liked to pull him in and not let him go. When the clouds cleared, the silver breathed new life into her eyes.


Nimble as a cat, he sprinted past the Falk family's swing and disappeared into the darkness.


I thought this description was interesting, especially the way the light works. It creates an ambiguous, mysterious atmosphere, like with the “quivering”. These two also seem to associate Léonard with a cat motif, which sort of matches how he’s been behaving.

That's all

Hopefully some of these comments are helpful to you. Keep writing! <3

Cheers,
-Lim




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Thu Aug 19, 2021 4:38 pm
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Brigadier wrote a review...



Hey there Mailicede (?). Somehow i always manage to type your name wrong and I am very sorry about that. I have definitely missed a few chapters in between this one and the last one that I reviewed out of the Green Room.

This is a story has really managed to grab onto a lot of my attention. It’s very rare for me to find a story on YWS that I enjoy reading long term and can keep my attention for an extended period of time. As I read more of LoaMR, it is helping me to better understand your writing style so I do not feel the same need to comment on your ways of description. There may still be a way for your descriptive style to change in future drafts, but this does feel different from before.

We have started to reach certain points in this chapter that I had predicted and worried about when I wrote my first review of one draft of LoaMR. You are very thorough with your alternative timeline of Germany when tackling the variety of difficult events that emerge. The mentions of the youth leagues did surprise me a little bit when I read through your chapter the first time. I didn’t know that you were going to go there, but it still made sense for the context.

I know that I am missing some of the details if Leonard and Emma are so tightly knit now. Some of that may come from the shared trauma alluded to at many points within this chapter. I should probably go back to read that before proceeding forward with the story. Just know that I’m trying my best to keep up and am very appreciative of the direction that your detail is going.

Happy August.
- Armand






Thank you for your review! - Mailice :D



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Fri Jun 18, 2021 1:05 pm
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Plume wrote a review...



Hey there! Plume here, with a review!

Wow, what a great chapter ending!! I really mean it too; I think this definitely goes on the list of some of my favorite sections of this story. I think the information you revealed is super crucial, and my brain gears are already turning to try and puzzle out what exactly it could lead to!!

So! Unpacking this plot!! Now we know that there was an ulterior motive all along! It wasn't really about solving the murder, it was about laying low! Which really makes you wonder what Léonard is lying low from... I know it's that mysterious group of people that Goldmann is probably part of, but why would they want him in the first place? Has he done something bad? Are they going to come after Emma? I have a feeling that it might have something to do with the family history because they probably framed his grandfather as being guilty for a reason, but why??? Gahhhhh it's so good. I'm really looking forward to learning more.

As for the actual ~meat~ of the chapter, I think all technical aspects looked great!! Your flow was stupendous, and I think the pattern you had of utilizing smaller, one-sentence paragraphs at or near the beginning of the sections really encapsulated the shock and confusion Emma was feeling. I loved the way you opened it too. It was super effective at doing the aforementioned tone-setting. Your characters were personified in a very lovely way, too, and the dialogue exchanges were right where they needed to be. It was an overall very engaging piece of work, and you should be proud!!

One thing I did wonder about was your POV. It seems to change from chapter to chapter, but I feel like it's slightly inconsistent. The reason I started wondering about it was because I know it's been in Léonard's POV before, but we never really got any of these ulterior motives from it. We've also been sticking to mainly Emma's and sometimes Martha and Claire's POV lately, too. That made me wonder if Léonard's POV was even the right choice, or if you should just stick to one of the three girls. If the reader is privy to Léonard's inside thoughts, I feel like it would make sense to share the motives or at least reference them, you know? But it also detracts from the mystery of the piece. It's gonna be a tough problem to work out, and one that you can also elect to ignore, too. It would involve either eliminating Léonard's POV (Which I feel would be a very dramatic change and also a shame, because they were so good) OR you could also frame it in a way where you're not denying the existence of the ulterior motive but you're also not giving them all the information so there's still a big reveal. I think this option would be better, plus it gives the story an element of intrigue as well as some dramatic irony. It's just something to keep in mind!!

Specifics

This provincial Hepo is not like being out of town."


Just a tiny thing, but it looks like you forgot to capitalize the "p" in "HePo." It's just for consistency's sake.

Overall: really nice job!! I think this chapter made me fall in love with the story even more, and I'm sooooooo excited to read the next chapter! Until next time!!






Thank you so much for your review, Plume! :D
I always read your reviews with full enthusiasm, and I think I like this one as one of the best. :D




“Though lovers be lost, love shall not; And death shall have no dominion.”
— Dylan Thomas