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Young Writers Society



On Wings of Fire: Chapter 10

by Mea


Fyn slammed into the ground and immediately felt a terrible pressure on all sides of him. Struggling to draw breath, he instinctively collapsed into his human form. All at once, the pressure ceased, and he fully materialized on a cold dirt floor, gasping and heaving.

Fyn pushed himself to his hands and knees and looked around. He instantly understood why he had felt that horrible pressure; he was in a low, dark cellar of a room barely large enough to hold a couple humans, let alone a drake. The only light in the room was a sputtering candle on the wall and a few chinks of light coming through a trapdoor in the ceiling. The room itself had nothing more than a haphazard pile of blankets in the corner and some traveling gear.

To his relief, Cassia was lying beside him, eyes wide and breathing hard, but apparently unharmed. The strange girl who called herself a Courier was already standing a few feet away, looking down at them with an expression Fyn couldn’t read. He got to his feet and held a warding hand in front of him, helping Cassia up with the other. Were those tears in her eyes?

“Who are you?” Fyn demanded of the girl.

“My name’s Sasha.” The girl leaned against the wall and crossed one leg over the other, letting a small pebble of the same color as the stone behind her fall from her hand to the ground. “And I think I just proved that I’m a Courier. You were looking for one?”

“How did you know that?” Fyn challenged. He made sure not take her eyes off her. Something about her was off-putting, unsettling.

She scoffed. “You walked into every bar this side of the river and asked for one. You weren’t exactly subtle. I was watching you after the second one. Curious to see what you’d do.”

Fyn didn’t know what to make of her aggressive stance, or the way she was casually twirling a dagger between her fingers. She couldn’t be much older than him or Cassia, and she was just a human. But she was also a mage, and therefore dangerous. He’d have to stay on his guard.

Cassia spoke up. She was still disguised as a peasant girl, though her dress had gotten knocked askew and part of it was sticking out of the illusion

“Why?” she said simply.

“I’m between jobs,” Sasha said. “My line of business has been slow. I wanted to pick something up.”

“And what’s your line of business?” Fyn asked. He hadn’t forgotten any of the strange events that had just happened, but Sasha seemed to want to keep talking, so Fyn thought it would be best to appease her. Whatever was nagging at the back of his brain about her still hadn’t resolved itself.

“Well,” Sasha sighed, “I thought I had made that clear. But since you want me to spell it out…”

She dropped another pebble and appeared three feet to the right of where she had been standing. “I transport. I convey. I deliver. Put simply, I take people, or things, and I teleport them anywhere you like. No questions asked, no border patrols to get through, just you, me, a bit of money, and, of course, an appropriate focus item.”

“We’re not looking for transport,” Fyn said. “Well, not yet.”

“We’re looking for information,” Cassia filled in. She reached into a pouch at her waist and took out the grass clippings they had found in Haven. “We need to know where this focus item was linked to.”

Sasha’s face fell just slightly, but she took the grass clippings and examined them closely, uncovering and lighting a hand lamp and holding them up to the light. Then she put them down and held out her hand, expectant.

Fyn scrambled to fish out a coin from his belt. “Um… how much…?”

Sasha laughed, a sharp laugh that cut through Fyn. “None. I'm messing with you. You really don’t know how these things work, do you? You pay me once we’ve made an agreement. I’m sure you’ll want to go to this place, follow whoever you’re tracking, am I wrong?”

Fyn’s desire to talk to interrogate Cassia about what had happened in the alleyway fought against his desire to be polite to a Courier mage they were trapped in a room with, particularly a mage who already seemed to know too much about what they were doing.

“Yes,” he finally said.

Sasha grinned. “A useful start to this relationship! Then I’ll tell you: the grass was clipped from the outskirts of the desert on the borders of Aisen. It’s got a fairly broad range, but if you give me time, I should be able to narrow it down to within… oh, ten miles. Powerful breed, this stuff. It’s more of a cactus than a grass. Takes years to grow. Perfect for magic.”

Fyn hadn’t heard anything beyond the location. “Aisen?” he repeated, incredulous.

“That’s completely across the Basin,” Cassia stated. “There’s no way they could teleport that far.”

Sasha smiled again. “I told you. Powerful.”

“But it’s so dangerous…” Cassia said quietly, almost to herself.

Sasha shrugged. “Not beyond an experienced Courier’s skill.”

Fyn cut to the point. “Are you saying you can take us there?”

“Of course, if you’ve got a fresh focus item for me.”

Fyn gritted his teeth. Of course they didn’t. If they did, they would just be asking someone to teleport them there.

Sasha looked from Fyn’s face to Cassia’s. “Ah. That is a problem. Well, I’m sure I could rustle something up, given a few days, and quite the fee of course. I have a few contacts. Or we could do it in two hops — there’s some lovely teleportations hubs in Larisen, and then a hop to Aisen should get you close enough—”

Fyn’s patience had expired. “Sure, whatever. But we,” he gestured to himself and Cassia, “need to talk first. I want to know what just happened in the alley before we decide to let you help us. Cassia, who were those… people?”

Cassia just glanced at Sasha warily. Sasha shrugged her shoulders emphatically, got up, and ascended the ladder, opening the trapdoor. Daylight flooded into the room, and then she closed it with a thud and left them in private, though Fyn was sure she hadn’t left. This seemed to be her private hidey-hole, and she’d want to stick around to secure their business anyway.

The moment Sasha was gone, Cassia leaned back against the wall and slid down to a sitting position, hiding her face in her knees.

Fyn sat down next to Cassia, resting his wrists on his knees. “Well,” he said awkwardly. “If you want to talk about it…”

“Not really,” Cassia said.

“It’s kind of important, Cass,” he said. “I’ve gotta know if we’re going to get jumped again…”

He trailed off as she started and gave him half a glance.

“Cassia,” Fyn amended hastily. He’d only said it as a joke anyway.

“No, it’s…” Cassia sighed. Her voice was muffled by her knees.

There was a long silence before her next words, which were loud and clear. “He lied to me. He specifically and deliberately lied to me.”

Now Fyn was really lost. The main not-drake had definitely looked and sounded female. “Who’s ‘he?’”

Cassia’s illusion faded. It melted away, revealing her silver skin and pale dress. Her wings were wrapped tightly around her arms and legs, so she looked like a bundle of white feathers.

“My dad,” she admitted.

---

Cassia kept talking, though she couldn't meet Fyn's eyes yet. “Those weren’t drakes. They were angels. We can see through each other’s illusions. And it was my dad who sent them.”

She raised her head at last to look at Fyn. He was watching her so intently, the ruff around his ears was flaring. She didn’t know why she was telling him all this, but the words kept coming as her shock began to fade.

“He’s the Archpriest. We have a Council that rules Mithrinden, and he’s the head. I’m the Grand Mage, so I’m on the Council. He told us the Treatise was taken…”

She went on, telling Fyn about her father’s poor health and how she and her sister and the others had plotted for her to take Micah’s place. How their plan had worked.

At this point, Fyn stood up abruptly and paced the room, his back to Cassia. He glanced at her and then quickly looked away, not meeting her eyes.

“What is it?” Cassia asked.

Fyn shook his head. “You directly defied your Archpriest’s orders. Those angels should have killed you on the spot!”

A spike of fear mixed with shame shot through Cassia. “Do you really think that?”

Fyn looked at the floor. “It’s what any drake would have done.”

But he looked at her again, and Cassia saw that his eyes were wide and anxious, not hard and cold.

After a long silence, Fyn sat down heavily next to her. “So you’re on the run.”

It was like he’d bumped an open wound. Cassia gasped a little as the enormity of what just happened washed over her again.

“I’m not supposed to be. Not anymore. I talked to him….” She explained about her scrying bowl and the linked water. “It was just last night. He… promised.”

Cassia couldn’t recall a time her father had ever not kept a promise, mostly because he did not make promises unless he knew he could keep them. Even when he made speeches to the citizens of Mithrinden, he didn’t fill them with empty promises.

“Well, it was only last night. He probably just didn’t have time to call them off. They were acting on old orders.”

Cassia shook her head. “They weren’t. My dad should have sent them a quill message right after he stopped talking to me.”

And more than that, she had pleaded with Elinda, the leader of the search party and one of Cassia’s own bodyguards. She’d told them she had a deal with Micah, begged them not to take her. Elinda had paused for a moment, and said she had not heard anything of the sort, and that Micah had sent her a message just that morning, telling them make for Timberglut with haste. Cassia had begged Elinda to reconsider, but… instead Cassia had been forced to flee.

“He tipped them off. That lead angel said. He told them where to find us, because he could track me using the scry bowl. Gods, I might I even mentioned where we were going.”

Her vision was going all blurry now. “He lied to me. He never does that.”

Fyn shifted uncomfortably. “Well, he knew he couldn’t trust you. You know, because of—”

“Not helpful, Fyn!” Cassia barked. She put her head in her hands again. There had to be some explanation. Some reason he really didn’t want her out here looking for the Treatise. Though why he’d pretended to make a deal… she had no idea. It wasn’t like he would have needed to to figure out where she was. She had opened that vulnerability the moment Tilana had put the bowl in their father’s hands.

Tilana. Cassia hugged her knees tighter. The worst part about it was, she couldn’t even talk to Tilana now. Micah had almost certainly confiscated Tilana’s scrying water, and trying wasn’t worth the risk of being found. Quill messages should be safe, but she only had ten left. She would have to conserve them.

A gentle hand touched Cassia’s wing near her shoulder, startling her. She turned her head to the side and peeked at Fyn.

“I don’t get it, Cass,” Fyn said, hesitant. “You defied your Archpriest. You basically defied your goddess. And now you’re upset that he’s sending people after you? I’m not even sure I shouldn’t have just given you to them.”

“I didn’t defy Mithrinde!” Cassia said, feeling sick a a reminder of the fear that had kept her up for so many nights. “My dad never said she told him to do this. And besides, she wants us to choose for ourselves how to do what’s right.”

She wiped her eyes angrily. “Mithrinde isn’t cruel. She doesn’t try to control every aspect of our lives. Not like Selach.”

“He doesn’t,” Fyn began, but without any real certainty. Cassia thought she saw a wisp of smoke curl from Fyn’s nostrils, as if a fire had built and then puffed out just as quickly.

“Your way sounds…” he started.

“Different?” Cassia suggested.

There was a pause. Fyn’s hand fell away from her shoulder.

“Nice,” Fyn said very quietly. Then, “Are you going to keep looking for the Treatise?”

“I have to. If I bring it back safe, he’ll realize I was right and it was fine for me to go.”

“Good,” Fyn said. Cassia raised an eyebrow at that, and he added quickly, “It’s just been useful, you know. Having you. I could do it alone, but… it’s been helpful.”

A laugh bubbled out of Cassia’s throat. “I guess saving your life would count as ‘helpful,’” she teased.

Fyn huffed at that.

They sat there for several minutes, faces thrown into stark shadows by the partially-hooded lantern.

“I’m sorry your dad lied to you,” Fyn finally said. “It seems like he usually watches your back. Like a hunting mate.”

“Yeah,” Cassia said. It wasn’t hard to guess that a hunting mate was probably the closest anyone ever came in Selach’s Order to trusting someone else. “I guess.”

Fyn looked up at the chink of light coming from the ceiling. “We should probably decide if we believe what that girl is selling. Are we really going to let her teleport us to Selach knows where?”


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Mon May 31, 2021 5:54 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Mea,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

Let's start right away:

All at once, the pressure ceased, and he fully materialized on a cold dirt floor, gasping and heaving.


I don't know if it's right to use the verb "to materialize" to describe Fyn's transformation to human form. "To materialize" sounds a bit like he was antimatter before.

Fyn didn't know what to make of her aggressive stance, or the way she was casually twirling a dagger between her fingers.


So far I like the way you present Sasha very much. Especially her conviction and self-confidence you portray very well. Especially the way she looks down on Fyn and later leans against the wall clearly shows that she has the advantage. I also like that she keeps her sentences short, which makes her dialogue great and different from the others. She gets to the point quickly without much fuss.

"We're not looking for transport," Fyn said. "Well, not yet."

"We're looking for information," Cassia filled in.


I don't know if this was intentional or not, but I like how Cassia ends Fyn's dialogue, creating an exciting dynamic.

Fyn scrambled to fish out a coin from his belt. "Um... how much...?"


I like the scene here. I like Fyn's impatience and a little bit of his naivety here, that he now thinks he and Cassia are getting information.

there's some lovely teleportations hubs in Larisen, and then a hop to Aisen should get you close enough-"


There's too much "s" in "teleportations" here.

Fyn's patience had expired. "Sure, whatever. But we," he gestured to himself and Cassia, "need to talk first. I want to know what just happened in the alley before we decide to let you help us. Cassia, who were those... people?"


I find this a little out-of-place, how it goes on so easily here without Sasha interfering, but right away I like how Fyn sets a priority here.

Cassia's illusion faded. It melted away, revealing her silver skin and pale dress. Her wings were wrapped tightly around her arms and legs, so she looked like a bundle of white feathers.


This is a really great moment, that Cassia's illusion disappears right now. Especially the "it melted away" I think you can also refer to the point where she talks about how she was lied to and now realises it. Very nice scene!

She went on, telling Fyn about her father's poor health and how she and her sister and the others had plotted for her to take Micah's place.


The "and" between "she and her sister" is too much, because there is another "and" afterwards. A comma would suffice.

She explained about her scrying bowl and the linked water.


I like it when I learn new words. :D In this case it's "scrying." (never read it anywhere before, I think.)

Fyn shifted uncomfortably. "Well, he knew he couldn't trust you. You know, because of-"

"Not helpful, Fyn!" Cassia barked.


Fyn is a little too direct sometimes. But that's what makes him endearing. :D

It wasn't like he would have needed to figure out where she was.


There must be a comma between the two "to".

Cassia said, feeling sick a reminder of the fear that had kept her up for so many nights.


The sentence structure is a little confused here because of the double "a". :D

"Nice," Fyn said very quietly. Then, "Are you going to keep looking for the Treatise?"


I would add the "then" to the first sentence (Fyn said very quietly, then) , as it seems a bit like it could be part of the sentence Fyn is saying, or part of the description.

This was another really wonderful chapter. I like, in general, how this chapter shows two pages where I think you've managed to make Fyn look very positive as well. I like how Cassia does a kind of new character development by suddenly telling Fyn about herself. I don't think that shows weakness, but rather a trust, even if she doesn't admit it so directly yet. I also like how she seems a bit "human" towards Fyn here and not always so stuck-up.

I didn't notice in the last chapters that Fyn calls Cassia Cass, (maybe I missed it) but I like that.

In general, I liked the chapter. Firstly because of Sasha, who seems like a very interesting and cool character and you portray her well as such. You can understand her and sympathise with her. And secondly because of the very loving and emotional conversation between Fyn and Cassia. I really liked it and I like how it comes to a positive conclusion at the end.

I have nothing to fault here in this chapter, neither the structure, nor the dialogue (which is fabulous accompanied by your descriptions of how the characters express themselves), nor the build-up. A really great chapter!


Enjoy the writing!

Mailice.




Mea says...


Thanks for another great review! I'm glad you liked Sasha and also enjoyed Fyn and Cassia's character development :)



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Mon May 31, 2021 1:38 pm
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Plume wrote a review...



Hey there! Plume here, with a review!

Ohhhh noooooo this chapter was so good but also AAAAA I'm quite mad at Micah for lying to his own daughter. Still, I liked the bonding that came out of it with Cassia and Fyn. But still. Grrr. I thought Micah was OK and that he was finally understanding, but NOPE. Gah. Well. Anyways.

One thing I really liked about this chapter was the introduction of Sasha. I think she's going to be a great character, and I really hope we'll be seeing more of her. I think you do a great job of characterizing her through the dialogue. She seems very savvy and resourceful, and I really adore those types of characters. Like I said, hope we get more of her in the future. I also really enjoyed the way you portrayed transportation magic. Honestly, I think the magic systems you have in this story are all really unique and creative, and that's a really great sign of worldbuilding. That's personally one of my weaknesses, which is why I'm so impressed by yours. Nice work!!

Also, poor Cassia. I'm high key annoyed at her dad now, if that wasn't clear from the first part of the review. She's completely cut off from her family, and.... sdksdlkfjsdlfkj my heart hurtssss. I would have liked to see a little more emotion on Cassia's part though. I don't want my heart to hurt, I want you to completely shatter it with your words. Make me feel that bitter betrayal she's feeling now.

Specifics

“Sure, whatever. But we,” he gestured to himself and Cassia, “need to talk first. I want to know what just happened in the alley before we decide to let you help us. Cassia, who were those… people?”


Since the phrase you interrupt the dialogue with isn't a dialogue tag, you need to use em dashes rather than commas to interrupt. Just a reminder that when you do put them in, they go outside of the quotation marks.

“My dad,” she admitted.

---

Cassia kept talking, though she couldn't meet Fyn's eyes yet. “Those weren’t drakes. They were angels. We can see through each other’s illusions. And it was my dad who sent them.”


At first I was a little confused as to why you broke up the text here, and it wasn't until I skimmed the other review that I realized you switched POV. I feel like you should maybe make it a little more blatant, since it did trip me up a bit while reading.

Overall: really great work!! I always love reading your writing, and I can't wait to see what comes next. Until next time!!




Mea says...


:D Thanks for the great review as always! (sorry I forgot I hadn't replied to it >.<) Your points about the emotion coming from Cassia are great and I will definitely work on that.



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Mon May 31, 2021 8:27 am
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SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hi Mea! :) Back for yet another review on this lovely night.

Yes! Another great installment. It's good that I pretty quickly got a few more answers to questions I asked in my last review, about the drakes and how she knew they were an illusion and Cassia's father. That's a pretty good sign of quality writing, haha! I wish we would have seen a little bit more of Sasha in this, because she was really the big focus of the end of the last chapter, but it also seems like there is a lot going on to sort through, so it's difficult to figure out what needs to be said when. I'll give a bit more detail on my thoughts of this later in the review.

Struggling to draw breath, he instinctively collapsed into his human form.


Maybe add "a breath"? Also, another small thing but this is the second time you've used the "he changed form instinctively" line. The first was at the end of the last chapter when he was gearing up to fight, which makes sense. Here, it doesn't feel as tense and actiony, so why the use of the word instinctive? I think just having the phrase "collapsed into human form" is descriptive enough.

Also another thing that I noticed this chapter is that you tend to use a decent amount of adverbs. This is entirely a stylistic choice, so feel free to ignore me, but I find that sometimes they're not always necessary and you can easily cut them to make the writing stronger. For instance instead of saying "he fully materialized" you could have the sentence without fully, and I think it reads smoother, since the emphasis is on the verb itself. Instead of "instantly understood", just saying he understood gives the same meaning with the emphasis on the understanding, instead of the quickness of it. I think it just depends on what feeling you're trying to convey!

“Why?” she said simply.


Another small note, but I found that I wasn't sure what the "why" was referring to when I first read through this. There's a break in the dialogue for descriptions of Sasha and Cassia, which I think is helpful to have, but with such a vague response, it lost the flow of the dialogue for me. Maybe it would help to rearrange it just a little, so the response is closer to Sasha's explanation?

... but Sasha seemed to want to keep talking ...


I'm a bit confused as to why Fyn thinks this? Honestly, her dialogue seems curt, and she's talking to straightforward sentences. What else is he seeing that makes him think she wants to keep talking? We also don't seem much about her facial expressions, what else she is doing while watching them (aside from the dagger thing, which makes me actually think she wants to get to the point faster, not talk more).

"We’re not looking for transport ..."


I'm sorry, what? Why else would you be looking for someone who can literally teleport you???

Fyn’s desire to talk to interrogate Cassia about what had happened in the alleyway fought against his desire to be polite to a Courier mage they were trapped in a room with, particularly a mage who already seemed to know too much about what they were doing.


This is a little bit of a long and hard to read sentence. Maybe break it up a bit? Fyn's perspective has always tended to be a little bit more curt than Cassia's, so I think it would make sense to break this up into shorter, choppier sentences.

I want to know what just happened in the alley before we decide to let you help us.


I found this line of dialogue a little bit odd? I know Fyn is the oblivious type, and doesn't always think through what he's about to say, but it seemed unnecessary for him to state out loud that he wants to talk to Cassia -- implying without the Courier -- and then just immediately start talking about it. The transition didn't seem really smooth to me? Like I get that you need to pivot in the dialogue, but I wish there was more build up to Fyn losing patience, like him getting snipper, maybe fidgeting some, maybe looking at Cassia who's avoiding him and some more thoughts about those drakes, which would make this outburst of sorts feel more natural? These are just suggestions, of course.

"It was just last night. He… promised."


This was something I was interested in, and I'm not sure if this is Cassia misunderstanding something or if something was missing in their dialogue. I didn't ever remember her dad making a promise to her that he wouldn't go after her. Perhaps this was intentional? But I did want to point out, that this felt a little weird. Cassia was the only one who made a promise to her dad, while her dad did seem like he was okay with her being out, did he explicitly promise he would let her? Maybe I'm just overthinking xD If this is intentional, you can just ignore me.

I do like the clashing perspective between the two! While it still seems a little bit odd that Cassia is finally spilling her backstory suddenly, I see why it's necessary. As a suggestion, maybe it would be nice to show their relationship warming a bit more since they came back? I know you made hints of it through both perspectives, but maybe even just having a light conversation when they're being more candid with one another sooner? Like maybe before Cassia scries her father, so that this vulnerable moment doesn't feel quite so out of the blue?

Cassia said, feeling sick a a reminder of the fear that had kept her up for so many nights.


This sentence needs just a little bit of cleaning up xD

It wasn’t hard to guess that a hunting mate was probably the closest anyone ever came in Selach’s Order to trusting someone else.


I loved this line. It made me feel a little sad and also pulled at my heart strings for Fyn. Have I mentioned you're really good at world building?

So I know this review has already gotten pretty long, but I wanted to make one last suggestion. I wish there was a little bit more emotion when we switch to Cassia's perspective. There's a good amount of dialogue at the start as Cassia catches Fyn up on what's been happening in her world, but I'd like to see a bit more of her thoughts, and what she's processing. That way we get an idea of Cassia's mental state and why she would have this feeling of needing to spill it all out. Just another suggestion!

As a whole though, I really did enjoy this section :) I think on my second read through, it made more sense that we took a hold on really getting to know the new character, because we had another good moment of Cassia and Fyn being more comfortable with one another. It was a nice not quite conclusion but strengthening moment to help them out so that they can handle a new (possible!) party member soon! I really look forward to reading onward :)

Happy writing!
~ Wolfe





Love is all we have, the only way that each can help the other.
— Euripides