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I Remember

by analienn


Hi! This is an excerpt of a sci-fi short-story/novella I began working on today. Criticism would be very much appreciated :)

I remember the death of the final human, an event so colossal to me yet so insignificant to the universe that the ground did not even quiver around him as he slumped sideways on his bed. And in turn I remember the death of the final Urwayhen (or I should say second last. I’m not sure where my timeline ends and where it ever began), a cousin of mine, who deployed himself from his aircraft, in the middle of space, as two worlds collapsed behind him.

I remember man’s first journey beyond the Milkyway, and the first Urway revolution (when my species had only developed but meagre parts of their brains and the secrets of the galaxy were a gleaming mystery on the far horizon) but I do not remember my release. It’s a strange thing, that. I have never interacted with another version of myself. I’m sure a human scientist could explain it, but I have no evidence against the theory that I have been present since the beginning of time. I have witnessed everything, the Beginning and the End and, by the laws of interchronial migration, a portion of my being remains in every era and every corner of the galaxy that has struck up the fancy of my superiors. And in that respect, I guess I am a sort of god. A god in chains. But I know that around three million years from present time, my cell does not exist, so I assume that is when I died. Or will die? It is confusing stuff. My knowledge is outdated, my brain too gutless to understand such complicated concepts. I could build a thousand of these blasted time machines without a single strain of intellectual exertion (I remember the mechanism, after all), but I could never understand how they work. I suppose I never will, either. I am a stupid creature. 


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Sun May 23, 2021 1:16 am
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Poetry Misfit wrote a review...



Hey there, just wanted to share a few thoughts.
** I'll comment as I read through your story and save final thoughts for the end.

Whoa the first line automatically hooked me. It's interesting because many of the other alien colonization of earth stories I've seen normally start with their arrival, but this jumps straight to the aftermath and I find that very intriguing.
From what I understand his cousin committed suicide? If that's the case I'd love to know more about how he got to that point.
"...when my species had only developed but meagre parts of their brains and the secrets of the galaxy were a gleaming mystery on the far horizon..." I love the descriptive language in this sentence - it gave me goosebumps!
I really love the complexity of the main character who exists outside of time and has lived throughout the history of the universe. How cool!
I really love the idea behind this to become something greater. I would love to see you expand on this, specifically the story of this being and what happened for him to become a "god in chains". I definitely see potential here and look forward to hopefully seeing more of your work!



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analienn says...


Tyyyyyy %uD83E%uDD70



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Wed May 19, 2021 7:45 pm
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starlitmind wrote a review...



AHH THIS LOOKS INTERESTING, and I would love to leave you a review! <3

I remember the death of the final human, an event so colossal to me yet so insignificant to the universe that the ground did not even quiver around him as he slumped sideways on his bed.


I really love your opening sentence - it does seem quite insignificant to the universe since you described it so well. I love the specificity in this sentence, the final human "slumping sideways on his bed." The fine details make it a bit chilling
Without having read further, I think it's really interesting how the universe doesn't seem to care! It makes me think that the universe may see it as a good thing - without humans, there'll be no deforestation, pollution, etc. so maybe she likes it that way!

And in turn I remember the death of the final Urwayhen (or I should say second last. I’m not sure where my timeline ends and where it ever began), a cousin of mine, who deployed himself from his aircraft, in the middle of space, as two worlds collapsed behind him


This could totally be just a me problem, so feel free to ignore me! <3 I think this sentence reads a bit long, and I think it's mostly because of the abundance of commas in the latter half. Since I'm pausing after each comma, it takes a bit of time to read. I do think that cutting down the commas might help, but it's up to you! ^_^

Milkyway,


Just a small note, I believe it should be two words, like Milky Way c:

I have never interacted with another version of myself.


Ahh this thought seems so interesting and eerie 0.0

so I assume that is when I died. Or will die? It is confusing stuff.


Okay I'm not sure I understand the bigger picture (because this is only an excerpt after all, and I'm sure in the short story / novella, I would really understand it <3) but this is all SUPER interesting! Even though I don't get quite what's going on, you seem to have such a cool storyline established with all sorts of complicated plots :O
I think "It is confusing stuff" sounds a bit informal compared to your previous lines. You write so eloquently before, and "stuff" just seems too casual, you know? xD I would consider changing that up to match the rest of the story's tone ^_^

the Beginning and the End


Love how these are capitalized to show that they were specific events!

my brain too gutless


Ahh I love this phrase! Do you write poetry? I feel like you would be wonderful at it xD

I am a stupid creature.


Ooh, I definitely didn't expect this statement! The narrator seems quite aware and knowledgable, so this blunt statement was surprising

Okay I am very interested in the short story / novella!!! The concept you have seems super cool! It also sounds complicated (in a good way though, of course ^_^). I don't really know what the main conflict / problem / storyline is, but it feels like there might be a side conflict of the narrator vs themselves. They seem to be a bit conflicted on who they are, and I feel like this could also be a journey about the self.

I hope these comments help you! Your overall storyline seems quite interesting, and I'd love to read it if you ever decide to share it here c: I hope to read more from you soon! ^_^



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analienn says...


Thank youuuu! I'd love to try poetry here :)



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Tue May 18, 2021 5:22 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi analienn,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

It's hard to judge and review an excerpt when you only get the information the author gives you to read. There are always different rules about what is an excerpt and what is not.

Let's start with the positive:
You build up a pleasant tension by creating some drama in the first paragraph that makes the reader stall and wonder what exactly has happened. You create a really interesting and philosophical context with the beginning, told from the first person perspective, that makes one curious as to how it all came about in the first place.
The next section is shrouded in some mystery that you gradually try to reveal. I like that as a reader you grow with the narrator and learn more, as if one were with someone who has just woken up and is telling you what happened. You build up some good intervals with your transitions between shorter and longer sentences. One can follow them right away, as the narrator's thoughts.

It's a strange thing, that.


I know what you're trying to create here, but would take away the "that" as it reads a little clungy compared to the rest of the text. The narrator doesn't come across as being perplexed in a forgetful way, but trying to comprehend something or gain an insight that will enable him to understand something.

But I also noticed that the reader is left a little in the dark. You're trying to answer some questions about what or who Urwayhen are through the text in brackets and I think you could structure that a little differently. First of all, I would take away the brackets in the first paragraph. Just because you're coming up with a new species, I wouldn't treat that information as incidental, and introduce it without parentheses. After all, it is valuable information for the reader to learn more about the narrator.
In your second attempt to go into a bit of detail, I would also take away the parentheses and paraphrase it a bit, perhaps even with a question addressed to the reader himself (or to the narrator himself), as you do later on.

In summary, I can say that it is an interesting excerpt.Some parts could be developed a bit more, because this seems a bit like a too short preface or the text on the spine of a book. You could certainly have added a paragraph or two to better explain or present some things to the reader. Nevertheless, by means of your science fiction explanations, you give a striking, and extraordinary story.

Enjoy the writing!

Mailice.



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analienn says...


Thank you so much for the review! I totally understand your confusion as to what's going on, I have the plot and everything all planned out in my head and decided to only post this excerpt because I had finished it and liked it a lot. This won't be the opening paragraph. Thanks for the feedback!



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Tue May 18, 2021 10:53 am
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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well...this is quite a neat story here...definitely seems like it would make for a nice novel...its hitting all the right notes here with this little extract of yours at any rate...well a bit more detail down below.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I remember the death of the final human, an event so colossal to me yet so insignificant to the universe that the ground did not even quiver around him as he slumped sideways on his bed. And in turn I remember the death of the final Urwayhen (or I should say second last. I’m not sure where my timeline ends and where it ever began), a cousin of mine, who deployed himself from his aircraft, in the middle of space, as two worlds collapsed behind him.


Okay...well..that's quite a start there...death of the final human ehh...well...definitely not pulling any punches there at all....getting right to the point with the extinction of all of humanity...and then followed up with the extinction of what looks like another species. Also worlds collapsing and time travel...well I can say with certainty I'm already very interested to see where this story is headed...definitely looks like it is going to be a blast here.

I remember man’s first journey beyond the Milkyway, and the first Urway revolution (when my species had only developed but meagre parts of their brains and the secrets of the galaxy were a gleaming mystery on the far horizon) but I do not remember my release. It’s a strange thing, that. I have never interacted with another version of myself. I’m sure a human scientist could explain it, but I have no evidence against the theory that I have been present since the beginning of time. I have witnessed everything, the Beginning and the End and, by the laws of interchronial migration, a portion of my being remains in every era and every corner of the galaxy that has struck up the fancy of my superiors. And in that respect, I guess I am a sort of god. A god in chains. But I know that around three million years from present time, my cell does not exist, so I assume that is when I died. Or will die? It is confusing stuff. My knowledge is outdated, my brain too gutless to understand such complicated concepts. I could build a thousand of these blasted time machines without a single strain of intellectual exertion (I remember the mechanism, after all), but I could never understand how they work. I suppose I never will, either. I am a stupid creature.


Oooh...and we end with revealing this is the perspective of some sort of godly being...okay...well this is definitely really interesting here...asking a lot more questions than it answers but I suppose that's par for the course with extracts. At any rate, this seems like it makes for quite a fun little story here...I would definitely read the full story is this is what it was gonna be like. I do really like this little extract here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall...a lovely little piece here...aaand yeah...I think that's about all I've really gotta say here. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry



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analienn says...


Thanks so much, I'm glad to know you're interested :)



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Mon May 17, 2021 2:50 pm
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WrenZorya says...



You write so beautifully! Obviously, it's a little confusing, considering the fact that I have not read your future book and don't know what an Urwayhen is, but that's no fault of yours. The ending is a bit sudden but that's to be expected as it is an excerpt. I'm really interested in learning more! I hope you write your book with the speed of a thousand... whatever's fastest in your world.



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analienn says...


Thank you so much! You've inspired me to finish :))




The man who never makes a mistake always takes orders from one who does.
— Anonymous