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Little boy Mello

by Rodionandaxe


There was a little boy Mello,
A jolly good fellow.
He couldn’t afford a piano or cello,
So he whistled his tunes away.

He walked down the street,
With songs in his heart
And jig in his feet.
Two sticks in each hand
Which he tapped for the beats
And he whistled his tunes away.

He had a tattered hat
That wayward lad.
A shirt too long
And pants with holes.
Shoes that barely kept his toes
But he whistled his tunes away.

His mother loved him,
His sisters adored him,
His father would scold him
But would also console him,
So he whistled his tunes away.

This was the little boy Mello,
The jolly good fellow.
Who didn’t need a piano or cello,
As he whistled his tunes away.


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38 Reviews


Points: 74
Reviews: 38

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Mon May 17, 2021 4:31 pm
YourFriendQuirks08 wrote a review...



Heya, Rubes here with a lil' review!


"There was a little boy Mello,
A jolly good fellow.
He couldn’t afford a piano or cello,
So he whistled his tunes away."

I love the rhyming here! It flows and doesn't feel forced whatsoever so well done for that! When I am reading this, there's a nice joyful beat to it, it really helps create an image in the reader's mind.


"He walked down the street,
With songs in his heart
And jig in his feet.
Two sticks in each hand
Which he tapped for the beats
And he whistled his tunes away"

Again, the rhyming is splendid here! I found it quite unusual for the pattern to change, but i guess it works fine.


"He had a tattered hat
That wayward lad.
A shirt too long
And pants with holes.
Shoes that barely kept his toes
But he whistled his tunes away."

I like the description...but the rhyming just doesn't work for me in this stanza. It may just be me but I feel like it interrupts the flow with rhyming. Good detail though.

Overall it's alright, some things should/could be changed for another word or approach but it's pretty good for the short read.

Stay safe and keep writing,
Rubes :)




Rodionandaxe says...


Thanks for the review :)



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258 Reviews


Points: 25125
Reviews: 258

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Sun May 16, 2021 3:16 pm
Plume wrote a review...



Hey there! Plume here, with a review!

I really enjoyed this little piece! I think it has a really nice lighthearted feel to it. I love the repetition at the end of each stanzas of the "he whistled the tunes away." I think it really served to reiterate just what kind of a person Mello is. It reminded me a little of a Shel Silverstein poem, just kind of sweet and fun and not pointless, per se, just less... emotive and moving. And that's a good thing, trust me!!

One thing I really liked that you did was keeping a consistent tone. Like I mentioned before, this was a very lighthearted and overall fun poem to read. I loved the progression of the story and the character building you do for Mello. He seems like a very playful person, and your poem and the narrator's attitude towards him really conveyed that. I especially liked the stanza where you described his clothes which seem to be in various states of disrepair, and yet he's still just whistling the tunes away. This poem definitely had the vibe of a song you would sing in like, preschool, and I think it's absolutely lovely.

One thing I wondered about was your rhyming patterns. I feel like they could stand to be a little more consistent. In the first stanza, you have a standard AAAB, and then you do CDCECB. I feel like, for me, that ruined the flow. You also have some syllabic inconsistencies. The first stanza's first line has much more syllables than the second line, and the contrast didn't sound good together, in my opinion.

Overall: really nice work! This was a nice, cute and playful poem that really made my morning! A belated welcome to YWS to you; I really hope to see and read more of your work on this site! Until next time!




Rodionandaxe says...


Thanks a lot for the review<3 . I am glad you liked it. The rhyme schemes are something that i struggle with while writing poems. Thanks for pointing it out, i am also of the opinion that regular rhyme scheme and similar number of syllables make a poem more rhythmic and fun to read. I will try to work on that more.



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147 Reviews


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Reviews: 147

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Sun May 16, 2021 2:14 pm
Liminality wrote a review...



Hi there! Overall, I think this piece succeeds in being both narrative and lyrical. I find this a fun and whimsical poem to read, and nevertheless it manages to send a message that the true nature of happiness is separate from wealth. The way you incorporated the refrain “. . . his tunes away” throughout the poem tied it all together quite nicely and the parallels between the first and last stanzas brought the poem full circle as well.

Language

The impression I had from the word choice was that the tale of this boy seems not to take place in the modern era. When I first read it, I was imagining maybe a medieval European village. I think I had that impression especially with the expressions “tattered hat” and “wayward lad”.

My favourite lines were:

And pants with holes.
Shoes that barely kept his toes


The second image in particular just seems so charming to me, especially with how specific it is.

Something else I enjoyed was how the first and last stanza play with certain phrases, even though they are parallel to one another. At first, the speaker says the boy “couldn’t afford” musical instruments, but after it’s been revealed that he nonetheless lives a happy musical life, the final stanza changes this to “didn’t need” musical instruments, which I just thought was a lovely touch.

Structure

The first thing I noticed about the structure is that this poem has rhymes, but in an irregular pattern. For instance, the first stanza is AAAB and the second seems to be CDCFCB. Despite that, I thought the poem still read very nicely out loud. I didn’t find myself somehow expecting it to be regular and then getting stuck at points where it wasn’t, so I think this choice works for your poem.

I also noticed that whereas stanzas 1, 2 and 5 have end-rhymes like ‘fellow/cello’, stanzas 3 and 4 seem to use more rhymes that occur in the middle of words like ‘hat/lad’ and ‘scold/console’. I just thought that was an interesting thing and wasn’t sure if that was intentional or if it means something.

If you ever revise this poem or write ones with a similar concept, I think something interesting to try with the structure would be regular rhyme schemes. That’s not to say regular rhyme schemes are in any way better than irregular ones – only that I think you’d be quite good at it and that it would be a fun experiment.

That's all

Hopefully you found these comments helpful - and keep writing!

Cheers,
-Lim




Rodionandaxe says...


Thanks for the review :D . I did intend it to potray a medieval European village, I am happy you noticed. I feel like the simplicity of a village and old time make things more wholesome.
Also thanks for the suggestion, I will definitely try to work more on the rhyme schemes.




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