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intrusive thoughts

by chikara



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8 Reviews


Points: 124
Reviews: 8

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Wed Jun 02, 2021 5:09 am
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emilyrebecca wrote a review...



This is incredible so I'm leaving a review.

As I said, incredible. It's chaos in the BEST way. The type of chaos that makes your head spin, but you don't want it to stop if that makes sense. I was going to comment on the lack of capital letters, but after studying it for a minute, I think the formality might have blocked some of that chaos from coming through. So I think I like it how it is.

This is a random thought but I think it might actually look nice if you spelled the numbers out like this...ex.

one-
there are too many butterflies in my stomach...etc.


two-
i have been bathing in the inertia...etc.

...If that makes sense, but ofc as is anything else, it's completely up to you and it s great either way.

Amazing job, hope this helps! :)




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39 Reviews


Points: 403
Reviews: 39

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Wed May 12, 2021 12:41 pm
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pineapple321 wrote a review...



This...was just amazing.

It was so creative. I loved the inconsistent rhythm of it. That seemed to make the poem super fun and interesting to read.

The last line "who pushed me?" gave me chills. It makes the reader wonder. It was almost like a cliff-hanger and left me on edge. I also loved the line "I have been bathing in inertia". It was so powerful and relatable.

All in all, great job. I hope you keep writing!

Signed,
Pineapple




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19 Reviews


Points: 690
Reviews: 19

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Wed May 12, 2021 12:05 pm
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LizzyTyler wrote a review...



Wow. Just . . . Wow.

That was incredible. I loved the pure, mess of words that came out and flowed together to become this tangle of emotions. That was truly great!

My favorite part was the last two stanzas, and, of course, the last line. It was so beautiful, filled with emotion, and wonderfully written. It gave a sense of betrayal, grief, and broken hearts.

I love reading you poems, and hope to see more!

Happy writing!

-Lizzy

(P.s, LOVED your short description. It made me laugh)




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26 Reviews


Points: 1384
Reviews: 26

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Tue May 11, 2021 11:03 pm
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legendarycomputerpoetry wrote a review...



Hello!

Overall, good job. I liked the formatting of this poem - specifically the list, as it makes what I think is your main concepts clear and organized. The imagery of inertia was interesting to see, it's not something I read very often in poetry. Also, I liked the question you posed at the end. The example that precedes the question pretty much summed up the entire poem, which is helpful for reading poetry about abstract concepts like a person's emotions.

LCP ✻




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28 Reviews


Points: 193
Reviews: 28

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Tue May 11, 2021 10:18 pm
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zekcede wrote a review...



Hey Zekcede here!

This is really good! I like how the rhythm is irregular, it keeps the poem from being boring :p.

I also really like the question at the end, "who pushed me?" It left me in a kind of state of suspense, and I really enjoyed that about your poem. Aesthetically, I think the lowercase letting is really nice, but I think it would be really cool to capitalize only the last line; the question of who pushed the narrator, just to give it more impact.
As always, you did amazing, keep it up!

-Z





Nobody wants to see the village of the happy people.
— Lew Hunter