Young Writers Society

hi, im mainly doing this review so that I can post my own novel, but that's besides the point. I liked the story so far. its pretty interesting, and the writing is pretty good. I can't really think of any major errors in the writing. its maybe slightly wordy from time to time, but its not excessive or even really noticeable if you aren't looking for it. overall, a good chapter.

I'm back to see what I missed in these chapters.

The wind blew my cape about me. It fluttered as a flag in the dark sky. A flag of protection.

One dark stormy night, a girl stood in an alley, bidding a grieved goodbye to her parents, Keith and Anne.

Emma crept through the shady street. Car tires screeched, and a gray sedan skidded to block the lonely alley. Emma slunk into the shadows. Two men in dark suits stepped out.

Hey there! I liked your later chapter and was intrigued so here I am for the others.

the city of Gotham spread before me.

This isn't where my story begins, but this is how it takes flight.

I may be looking to deep into this, but I like how the "flight" connects with "the bat".

The teen protested

This may just be my preference, but you already refer to Emma as "girl" and then you establish her name through dialogue, so referring to her with a descriptor here rather than her actual name doesn't flow very well. It does establish her age range, but I think that could be established later in a way that flows better.

own worn hands

Her hands belonging to her is kind of a given, so the word "own" here is unnecessary. Also, oooh so her family were from the wealthy class, and became poor (or at least that's what I gathered from the mini prologue), so they must've become poor before this takes place, given that the mom's hands are worn.

Gray, too early for his young age, streaked his dark brown hair.

I would suggest rewording this as well for the sake of flow, perhaps: "Gray streaked his dark brown hair, too early for his age". I thinking the following paragraph with the mom's description could also be combined with this paragraph.

forever

Hmmm.... I know the future and this is not the case...

She hugged her daughter.

So I believe this is in third person limited, focusing on Emma as the main character, the perspective that is known. However, this line indicates its third person omniscient, for in Emma's perspective, I doubt she would refer to herself as 'daughter' but rather see her mother as hugging her as a person. If you were going for a third person omniscient then this is fine, but if not, I would suggest rewording this to "She hugged Emma..." then add perhaps this pang of sadness or grief or any other emotion that Emma is feeling then.

a goodbye is never forever

mmmmmm

Emma slunk into the shadows. Two men in dark suits stepped out.

They held guns. Emma gasped. She fumbled for her cell phone.

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well...this was a really fun little start to a story here. Love the excitement created right at the start here, this definitely does a very good of getting your attention and that ending is just perfect to get people wanting to read more. The family dynamic here also seemed really sweet here and ahh...that just adds beautifully to the drama here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The wind blew my cape about me. It fluttered as a flag in the dark sky. A flag of protection.

On my high perch, the city of Gotham spread before me. Its twinkling lights dared to challenge heaven's stars. I haven't always done this, shielding the metropolis from calamity. Once, I had been a normal citizen. But I hadn't a carefree life. My family is from the richest of class, but life turned me out the poorest.

This isn't where my story begins, but this is how it takes flight.

One dark stormy night, a girl stood in an alley, bidding a grieved goodbye to her parents, Keith and Anne.

"Go Emma, hurry!" Her father said.

"Dad, no! I'm staying with you!" The teen protested. Her voice rang through the dark alley and broke the quiet stillness of the summer night.

"It's okay, honey." Said Emma's mother. "We'll be alright." She gently cradled her daughter's face in her own worn hands.

Emma gazed into her mother's eyes and grasped her father's arm. She memorized her parent's features. Her father was tall and handsome. Gray, too early for his young age, streaked his dark brown hair.

Her mother's beautiful face had aged beyond her years, and her blonde hair had lost its shine.

"Mom, I'm not leaving you," Emma said. "We're a family, and families stick together, forever."

"Oh, Emma." Her mother said, tears suddenly forming in her crystal blue eyes. She hugged her daughter.

"It's time, Emma." Her father said.

"Don't forget Emma, God will always be watching over you." Her mother said. "Goodbye, baby."

"Will I ever see you two again?" Emma asked tearfully.

"Remember, a goodbye is never forever." Said her father. "Find my cousin, then come back for us. We'll be alright."

"Okay, Dad," Emma sobbed. She turned and ran down the alley, and her parents went the other way.

Emma crept through the shady street. Car tires screeched, and a gray sedan skidded to block the lonely alley. Emma slunk into the shadows. Two men in dark suits stepped out.

They held guns. Emma gasped. She fumbled for her cell phone.

Hiya Ashlyn here for a review!! Before I dive into it though please know that this review is not intended to offend you or make your writing look bad.

Its twinkling lights dared to challenge heaven's stars.

One dark stormy night, a girl stood in an alley, bidding a grieved goodbye to her parents, Keith and Anne.

"Remember, a goodbye is never forever." Said her father. "Find my cousin, then come back for us. We'll be alright."

"Okay, Dad," Emma sobbed. She turned and ran down the alley, and her parents went the other way.

Emma crept through the shady street. Car tires screeched, and a gray sedan skidded to block the lonely alley. Emma slunk into the shadows. Two men in dark suits stepped out.

They held guns. Emma gasped. She fumbled for her cell phone.