Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Dramatic


The Storm

by Plume


There was a storm coming. It was going to be a bad one.

Om could feel the humidity on his skin, the condensation teasing the hairs on his upper arm into a standing position. It meant he had to take the cows in early, before they were properly fed, which in turn meant the milk would be bad. His wife would be displeased. Though, there was hardly ever a time when she wasn’t.

He and his wife had a relationship like the sea; turbulent and two-faced. The waters would be calm one moment, almost gentle, lapping at his toes like an obedient dog. Then something would stir them up, riling them, teasing them higher and higher and higher until they crashed on him and wouldn’t release until he begged for breath using waterlogged lungs.

The first few drops of rain fell. He could feel it on his skin, and saw it on the grimy paint of the white picket fence he was leaning on. The sky was darkening.

He sighed, the dense air lingering in his throat. Thunder cracked as he looked back towards the cottage he shared with his wife. He knew she would be in there, pacing about, just waiting to complain as soon as he walked through the door. You said you would buy this. You haven’t paid for this. This is all your fault.

Glancing out at the sky one final time, he thought back to the packed suitcase under his bed. The single, one way bus ticket for tonight. The new apartment waiting for him in the city.

There was a storm coming, but Om wouldn’t be around to see it. 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1459 Reviews


Points: 163320
Reviews: 1459

Donate
Fri May 14, 2021 8:59 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well...this one has quite a bit packed into it here...despite being as small as it is. Aaand well...pretty sad situation there...also some very nice description there..well...anyway let's get down to some more details here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

There was a storm coming. It was going to be a bad one.


Getting right into the action there....wonderful entrance there...I don't why I'm laughing though...its just soo straight to the point there.

Om could feel the humidity on his skin, the condensation teasing the hairs on his upper arm into a standing position. It meant he had to take the cows in early, before they were properly fed, which in turn meant the milk would be bad. His wife would be displeased. Though, there was hardly ever a time when she wasn’t.


Hmm...well...the storm is definitely terrible, but it looks like the storm inside his house is potentially a bit worse judging by the way that he spits out that last line in a very matter of fact way there.

He and his wife had a relationship like the sea; turbulent and two-faced. The waters would be calm one moment, almost gentle, lapping at his toes like an obedient dog. Then something would stir them up, riling them, teasing them higher and higher and higher until they crashed on him and wouldn’t release until he begged for breath using waterlogged lungs.


And that is a beautiful metaphor for what sounds like an absolutely terrible situation to have in a home there...oh dear...the poor guy.

The first few drops of rain fell. He could feel it on his skin, and saw it on the grimy paint of the white picket fence he was leaning on. The sky was darkening.

He sighed, the dense air lingering in his throat. Thunder cracked as he looked back towards the cottage he shared with his wife. He knew she would be in there, pacing about, just waiting to complain as soon as he walked through the door. You said you would buy this. You haven’t paid for this. This is all your fault.


Oh gosh...the anticipation of the storm's arriving is mixing strangely well with his anticipation for running into his wife here. Well...that is doing quite a lot to show just how terrible this guy's situation is here.

Glancing out at the sky one final time, he thought back to the packed suitcase under his bed. The single, one way bus ticket for tonight. The new apartment waiting for him in the city.

There was a storm coming, but Om wouldn’t be around to see it.


Ohhhh...now seee....this...this ties it all together...cause I believe this storm we're talking about is the inevitable explosion by his wife when he leaves, isn't it...that's what this coming storm seems to be about at least...or have I over thought this as I inevitably do every time.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this makes for quite an interesting little piece here. But well...that's about all I've gotta say here. Catch ya again some other time. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




Plume says...


Haha thanks! You weren't overthinking it, btw. That was the interpretation I hoped readers would get!



User avatar
50 Reviews


Points: 1507
Reviews: 50

Donate
Thu May 13, 2021 1:49 pm
View Likes
waywardxwallflower wrote a review...



This was incredibly impactful for such a short piece?? I absolutely loved it. Your imagery is so real, and I can almost feel everything Om does. It was also really creative, and the last line closed the story so well. The way you develop the story through Om's thoughts and reflections on the storm is very well done.

I have only one critique: "He knew she would be in there, pacing about, just waiting to complain as soon as he walked through the door. You said you would buy this. You haven’t paid for this. This is all your fault." In this part, the wife's dialogue (even though it's just in his mind) should have quotations around it.

Otherwise, it was incredible!! Great job (:




Plume says...


:D Thank you so much for your thoughts!!



User avatar
19 Reviews


Points: 690
Reviews: 19

Donate
Sun May 09, 2021 9:10 pm
LizzyTyler wrote a review...



This was great! I loved how well written it was! So first, I loved the symbolism of the sea, as well as the less obvious metaphor of the storm.

The storm (it may not be correct but this is how I interpreted it) seems to represent how his and his wife’s relationship will spiral down, getting worse and worse if he stayed.

I loved how well written it was. It only gave a small amount of background information, which is just the amount it needed. The story is short, sweet, and to the point. It tells the story without to much unnecessary length.

I really liked you story, and hope to see more of your work in the future.
Happy writing!
-Lizzy




Plume says...


Thank you so much for your review! And yes!! I'm so happy you caught on with the storm metaphor! T



Plume says...


(I pressed post too early oops) I was going to say that it was intentional and you were spot on with your interpretation.



LizzyTyler says...


Thank you! I'm glad I caught the metaphor! (I'm not usually very good at that :P)



User avatar
365 Reviews


Points: 36808
Reviews: 365

Donate
Sun May 09, 2021 7:45 pm
View Likes
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Plume,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

This was an absolutely gripping story. It was so very well constructed from beginning to end and while reading it, it occurred to me that the story somehow has something of the parables of Franz Kafka.
It has an elegant beginning with a mysterious undertone that constantly led me to make some kind of interpretation. Now I don't know to what extent this is intentional on your part, so I'll try to keep it short :D

You have a very great way of starting the story. With the first paragraph you connect the beginning and the end and gracefully move on to a short description of Om, what he is doing. You have a great, poetic way of describing things, especially in the section where you tell more about the relationship between him and his wife. You did a great job with the comparison to the sea.

Then something would stir them up, riling them, teasing them higher and higher and higher until they crashed on him and wouldn't release until he begged for breath using waterlogged lungs.

The first few drops of rain fell.


Here is the only criticism I have; from the narrative description section to the continuation of the story, something is missing. It feels like you get back to the plot too "quickly", almost like a waterfall bringing a stream down. I don't know now how you could rephrase it a bit either, but maybe you could have added a comment in the paragraph like Om's wife is like the calm before the storm today, to make a connection with the rain.

The ending in particular had me excited and I also have to say before I even read anything about a bus ticket, I was thinking about the suitcase under the bed that he has a shotgun there to kill his wife :D

You managed to make me think for some time with this short text. I believe that precisely because you give the reader so little information, he can imagine a lot for himself, which increases the possibility of interpretation immensely.

I think especially with the last sentence, one cannot yet assume that he really takes the bus and drives away to the city. The story is realistic and yet a little bizarre, with the storm, which is probably not the first and not the last. It's like an unknown force standing over Om and his wife, giving him a new purpose, a new destiny.

In summary, all I can say is that you have a great sentence structure, perfect for reading except for the short point I mentioned before, as well as a wonderful way of portraying the relationship. The story invites speculation and as I mentioned before, it reminded me of the stories by Kafka that I read at school. It just feels great to read, and interpret.

Have fun with your writing!

Mailice.




Plume says...


Ahh I've been blessed with a lovely review from Mailice! Thank you so much for all of your thoughts!



User avatar
31 Reviews


Points: 51
Reviews: 31

Donate
Sun May 09, 2021 6:30 pm
View Likes
YellowSweater wrote a review...



Excellent! This piece is engaging and evocative. I could feel the setting and it really helped me get inside the protagonist's head

I really liked the cascade of effects: "It meant he had to take the cows in early, before they were properly fed, which in turn meant the milk would be bad. His wife would be displeased." It was slightly amusing and it helped to show the ebb and flow of your character's thoughts.

There are a couple of places where I thought you could clean up your sentence structure. For instance: "Then something would stir them up, riling them, teasing them higher and higher and higher until they crashed on him and wouldn’t release until he begged for breath using waterlogged lungs." I think you could break this sentence up a bit and make sure your phrasing is clear.

Again wonderful piece! And thanks for your comment on my wall:) - YellowSweater




Plume says...


Thank you so much for your review!!




Is anyone else desperately waiting to see themselves in the quote gen?
— TheCursedCat