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The story of curse of a rose: Chapter 1

by Rahel Shah


A rose. Deep red color. bloodier than crimson blood. Vampires would go berserk just seeing that rose. Appealing than Aphrodite. The god would be trembling in fear to touch that rose. The rose stem was made out of billions of human lives. Prettier than emerald.

 Everywhere dark, no sound, no smell, and no color. The red color of rose making a path. The path was lightened by the red rose. the path had many bloody petals. A girl followed a red path to the rose. she stood right before the rose. she slowly reached out her hands to touch the mesmerizing rose. Suddenly, a drop of blood dropped from the rose's petals. Staining the green ruby stem. The rose seemed sad. It was suffering. The rose did not have any expressions or a face to show emotions. But it seemed downhearted. The girl was sad to see the sorrowful sight of the rose. She tried to wipe a blood stain from the stem. But thorns did not allow her. It was a barrier of the rose. They were faithful to the rose. petals were withering but thorns did not wither. Even though the rose was dying, the thorns did not give up to defend the rose. The girl could not help to see that sight and forced out of her way to hug that rose. Despite knowing it was cursed, the girl did not hesitate to hug. the thorns were stinging her cotton palms. Her hands were bleeding. But the girl did not budge one centimeter. She whispered, "why are you sad even though you are beautiful. Please don't be sad. It hurts my heart." Her eyes glowed. Her eyes became red. blood tears were rolling down her cherry blossoms cheeks. She started coughing blood but she did not give up hugging the rose. Her chest was stinging. It was so painful that she begged for oxygen. A few moments later, her eyes went blank. It was the curse for touching the rose. 


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Wed May 12, 2021 6:32 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Rahel Shah,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

You have a very strong introduction where you describe the rose. I like how you insert different characters and creatures to support the importance and drama of the rose. It's a great beginning and feels like it's from the point of view of an overbearing narrator who has been there since the beginning and has seen many people die because of the rose.

Appealing than Aphrodite


I think there's a "more" missing before "appealing".

Everywhere dark, no sound, no smell, and no colour. The red colour of rose making a path.


I would rewrite it a bit, because in the first sentence you use "and no color", but in the next you talk about the red color. If you combine the sentences it could be something like "and no colour except the red colour of rose making a path."

Suddenly, a drop of blood dropped from the rose's petals.


I would replace dropped here with fell, or perhaps, to make it sound more poetic, make drop of blood tear of blood.

I'm not sure what you're trying to do with the second paragraph. On the one hand it seems like a poem, but on the other hand it also seems like a narrative. The repetition of some terms like "the path" or "the girl" have a rather negative effect on the text. The short sentences, on the other hand, increase the tension. There are some passages that I would rewrite, or at least work with some synonyms to make the text seem a little more "readable".
Since it is the first chapter and it is something of a lure to get readers for the next ones, I would change the structure of the second section a bit, otherwise potential readers seem intimidated by the structure.

Firstly, I would try to include sections. For example, the first section would be the description of rose, up to the point where the girl goes to her. Then as a second section where she tries to touch her and as a last section some kind of summary or what happened afterwards.
Secondly, I would try to put all the dialogue on a separate line, otherwise it reads a bit funny. Especially faster readers might get the impression that the whole section is dialogue, or not even realise that someone is talking.
Thirdly; there are some minor grammatical errors that I noticed. They are not serious, but could be removed on a second read-through. :D

You build up a good tension, like coming out of a storybook, and also got me interested in the story (especially because of the introduction, which I like a lot) and am curious there to see what will happen next. I have liked the story so far because it seems strange and mysterious. You have created something that attracts someone similar to the rose.

Enjoy the writing!

Mailice.




Rahel Shah says...


Thanks for giving a review. I like your eagle eyes. It is my first time writing a novel so I am not good at choosing a good choice of words. Would you like to be my proofreader until I become a pro writer? I would be glad if you become my proofreader.





Feel free to tag me for the following chapters and I will review them :D



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Wed May 12, 2021 4:07 pm
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SadboyJay says...






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Wed May 12, 2021 2:22 pm
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SadboyJay wrote a review...



first i could say about your poem is its a really cool poem its like a scary poem i like the poem is really good keep making poems like these cause i like it. second i don't like how you said blood tears were rolling down her cherry blossoms cheeks thats a little scary. third i really like this poem you did its about a curse rose i love it. forth i didn't like how you said in the poem was Everywhere dark, no sound, or no smell.




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Wed May 12, 2021 2:02 pm
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BEASTtheHUN wrote a review...



This is a nice piece. I thought at the end she would heal the rose, but boy was I wrong. Next time I go near a rose I definitely will not be touching it. I like how you don't describe the girl, it leaves room for imagination which the description of the rose stimulates. The flow is nice. The piece is relatively short, and you moved it along at a nice pace. This line is confusing.
"The red color of rose making a path." It doesn't make sense. Maybe I am missing the point. Get it point, because roses have thorns. Okay, really bad joke. Anyway, this piece is awesome, and I look forward to more. Until next time!




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Mon May 10, 2021 5:56 am
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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here for a nice short review here...I see that the grammar and stuff has been taken care of already by the other reviewer, so I'll just look at the story as a whole here.

First Impression: Well...straightaway I like the overall vibe of this story, we've got a nice and very much hyped up rose here right at the start and then the touching story of a girl trying to help...its all captured quite nicely here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

A rose. Deep red color. bloodier than crimson blood. Vampires would go berserk just seeing that rose. Appealing than Aphrodite. The god would be trembling in fear to touch that rose. The rose stem was made out of billions of human lives. Prettier than emerald.


Well that seems like quite a powerful rose there...definitely quite an epic start to the story there...very much hyped up flower that one...heh...well let's see what happens here in the second paragraph.

Everywhere dark, no sound, no smell, and no color. The red color of rose making a path. The path was lightened by the red rose. the path had many bloody petals. A girl followed a red path to the rose. she stood right before the rose. she slowly reached out her hands to touch the mesmerizing rose. Suddenly, a drop of blood dropped from the rose's petals. Staining the green ruby stem. The rose seemed sad. It was suffering. The rose did not have any expressions or a face to show emotions. But it seemed downhearted. The girl was sad to see the sorrowful sight of the rose. She tried to wipe a blood stain from the stem. But thorns did not allow her. It was a barrier of the rose. They were faithful to the rose. petals were withering but thorns did not wither. Even though the rose was dying, the thorns did not give up to defend the rose. The girl could not help to see that sight and forced out of her way to hug that rose. Despite knowing it was cursed, the girl did not hesitate to hug. the thorns were stinging her cotton palms. Her hands were bleeding. But the girl did not budge one centimeter. She whispered, "why are you sad even though you are beautiful. Please don't be sad. It hurts my heart." Her eyes glowed. Her eyes became red. blood tears were rolling down her cherry blossoms cheeks. She started coughing blood but she did not give up hugging the rose. Her chest was stinging. It was so painful that she begged for oxygen. A few moments later, her eyes went blank. It was the curse for touching the rose.


Well...big ouch there...looks like that's a rose of blindness there. Well...it was a touching little story, definitely quite sad but you do a good job there showing the point of view of the girl and how she's sad about the rose suffering like than and then the determination to hug it and try and make it better despite all the terrible things happening to her. Well...its a nice little snapshot there...pretty sad but eh...that's that.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Aaand so....I don't quite see too much of what's going on here...like I feel the ending isn't too satisfactory cause while the girl has some effects happening to here, we don't know what happens to the rose which is a little odd but otherwise its a neat little story. And that's about all I gotta say here.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




Rahel Shah says...


This is just the beginning of a story. Anyway thanks for giving a review.



HarryHardy says...


Welp...I totally forget about the fact that this was part one. Well...I hope it was still at least somewhat helpful.:D



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Sun May 09, 2021 9:56 pm
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AshlynPhoenix wrote a review...



Hiya Ashlyn here for a review!! Before I dive into it though please know that this review is not intended to offend you or make your writing look bad.

the rose's stem made out of green ruby. the thorns were spiky.

You forgot to capitalize 'the' there ^^
An extraordinary rose. Deep red color. The god wouldn't dare to touch the rose.

Loving the grandiose vibe here, however, I'm noticing a lack of variety in your sentence structure. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but readers are more likely to be engaged in your work if you vary your sentence structure <33 Also your description is a bit redundant. You can cut the 'extraordinary rose' and definety 'the thorns were spiky'. I believe readers are already know that thorns are spiky ^^

Everywhere dark, the red color of rose lightening up the path. A girl followed a red path to the rose. she stood right before the rose. she slowly reached out her hands to touch the mesmerizing rose. Suddenly, a drop of blood dropped from the rose's petals.

Again, I'm seeing a lot of redundancy, also a little more context might be helpful ^^
How did the girl find the path? Why is she on the path? Whats the girls name? I'd love more information on the path as well. We know it's rose colored, but is it rocky, grassy, and where is it located? In a meadow? In a forest?
er eyes glowed. Her eyes became red. blood tears were rolling down her cherry blossoms cheeks. She started coughing blood but she did not give up hugging the rose.

You really captured my attention here ^^ Now I want to know how to the rose got cursed, who cursed it, and why the curse works the way it does.
Her chest was stinging. It was so painful that she begged for oxygen.

You did a good job with your description here <33 I've covered all the problems I could see, so that concludes this review. I hope you found it helpful, and if not, I hope it made your day in someway <3
-Asher




Rahel Shah says...


Thanks for giving a review. It really helped me a lot. I put some changes in the story just like you said. I deleted the information about the girl with the intention to make readers curious. It is my first time writing a novel so I have a lot of areas to improve on. I hope you all will support me.



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Rahel Shah says...







To be a master of metaphor is the greatest thing by far. It is the one thing that cannot be learnt from others, and it is also a sign of genius.
— Aristotle, Poetics