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Goodbye Forever World

by illy7896


Tides spill at the crescent of the sand,

Licks the smiles we share-

Ember ashes waver.

The moon’s shadow tremors,

Like the silhouette of a gazelle

Running free with wings of steel

~~~

Sadistic joy strung and weaved,

Knitted together by the redemption of past unloved.

Memories stained with emptiness and misery.

Taste the liquor of poison envy.

It stings much like whisky,

~~~

Washes away our fear

Unplugs the debris of wasted days.

They turned to years,

Turned to love.

Tune into the smoky tips of pleasant hats.

Cover our hair and our shameful hesitance.

The lies of a sociopath,

Is key to adolescence.


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22 Reviews


Points: 5701
Reviews: 22

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Sun May 09, 2021 4:50 am
AshlynPhoenix wrote a review...



Hiya Ashlyn here for a review!! Before I dive into it though please know that this review is not intended to offend you or make your writing look bad.

Like the silhouette of a gazelle

Running free with wings of steel

This is what childhood feels like. Also can I just applaud you for your unique imagery here? 'silhouette' and 'gazelle' are two words I never thought I'd see in a poem but you managed to make it work, pairing it with 'running free with wings of steel' really brought out a feeling of nostalgia in me.
Sadistic joy strung and weaved,

Knitted together by the redemption of past unloved.

I just wanna spend a few days basking in the beauty of this line <333
Tune into the smoky tips of pleasant hats.

What do you mean 'Tune into'?
Unplugs the debris of wasted days.

They turned to years,

Turned to love.

What exactly are you referring to here? The way traumas from childhood can work their way into adulthood? I can't think of anything else to critique, so I'll go ahead an end the review here. I hope it was helpful, and if not, I hope it made your day in someway <333
-Asher




illy7896 says...


Thank you for your lovely review! The end bit is kind of referring to lockdown but it could be applied to childhood traumas too and how they affect our relationships with people. Thanks for your comment!





Your welcome ^^



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122 Reviews


Points: 4325
Reviews: 122

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Sat May 08, 2021 11:54 pm
chikara wrote a review...



Hello there! I'll be trying a new review method today!

Pros:
- That opening line really drew me in. The image is a common thing that most people have experienced or heard of while still being unique with the choice of using words like "crescent" and "spill." Grains of sand are usually referred to with a more "whole" feeling, when crescent is typically associated with something being temporary or not yet complete; like the moon because it moves in and out of that familiar crescent-like shape.

- The contrasting between the nostalgic image of a beach and something more tragic like a fire and ashes creates a nice atmosphere. It's a rather quick change without a lot of build-up, but I think that works for the general theme of the emotion it's evoking here.

- That one image of a gazelle having steel wings is tying back into the previous ideas with some contrast is very welcomed one in the lines below ~

Like the silhouette of a gazelle

Running free with wings of steel


- The ending! I think that was the strongest part of the poem, which makes reading the poem an easier thing and makes sense with the rest of the flow. It's also really organized in a poetic sense and can be understood and comprehended in the same manner of someone who has read all of it, even if someone happened to not read the other lines.

Cons:
- The second stanza doesn't really make sense compared to the beginning lines. I typically make a timeline of every idea when I see that happen, so here's that:

a. Beach themes with sand.
b. A contrast with ashes.
c. Gazelles with wings made of steel.
d. Good emotions are powerful (and can be harmful)
e. Memories and the past.
f. Water references.
g. A contrast with smoke.
h. The cycle of life and teen problems.

Now, A ties in with F, B ties in with G; those are very solid on their own and can be paired together without second thought. You could include E and H into that category too, if you'd want to do so. The rest of those letters are miscellaneous and therefore don't add anything extra to your poem and just mess with the whole flow of thought, though.

- Capitalizing is a choice and a style, so it doesn't really change anything in poetry - I do want to point out that I'm personally not feeling the capitalization here because of the whole theme of teen rebellions. Capitalizing seems proper, when lowercase feels rule-break-y.

And that's all I have to say ~

Cheers!




illy7896 says...


Thanks so much for your review and I like your idea on capitalistion. Sorry if it was a little weirdly put together, I'll try and apply as much advice from you as possible. Thanks!




Beware of advice—even this.
— Carl Sandburg