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The Sailor

by aooborromeo


I used to sit in the back of the class and write poetry. Shakespeare inspired me to write sonnets. Ten syllables for each of the sixteen lines. Rhyme scheme abab cdcd efef gg. I was so intrigued by the way the words melded together in perfect harmony. I wrote about a sailor with the wind in his long blond locks. Brushing his hand through his thick hair wearing one of those blue trench coats and feather hats, holding a spyglass. He discovered far off worlds, islands filled with strange trees and foreign fruits. New kinds of people welcomed him wherever he went. Then, one night the sailor was caught in a terrifying tempest, with waves bigger than mountains. He was unafraid and he faced the turbulent seas. He grabbed the ship’s wheel, letting the wood give him splinters’, gripping it hard he guided the ship through the sea. He told himself that he wouldn’t die tonight. The waves rocked the almost broken boat back and forth. Before I could finish the tale, a boy came and snatched the paper I was writing on and ripped it to pieces. Laughing hard, he told me that I would never become what I wanted to be. That I was as worthless as a single grain of sand by the shore. The sailor was lost to the monster that gave him the fate he didn’t want: death. I could never be that sailor facing the storm. I faced a storm alright. I sank and sank and sank. Then with the strength of the dawn’s light I will rise.

The torrent tempest,

Blows hard against the small ship.

The ship will not sink. 


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Thu May 13, 2021 2:31 pm
waywardxwallflower wrote a review...



Holy. Cow. This piece is lovely. You did an INCREDIBLE job.

GRAMMAR CRITIQUES:

"...letting the wood give him splinters’..." There shouldn't be an apostrophe after splinters.

"...gripping it hard he guided the ship through the sea..." This added part makes the sentence a run-on. You could create a new sentence (just add a period and capitalize "g"), or you could add a fanboy (likely "and") to merge the parts of the sentence.

SUGGESTIONS

"I could never be that sailor facing the storm. I faced a storm alright." You could combine these sentences with a "but" in between? That would likely make it flow better.

"I sank and sank and sank. Then with the strength of the dawn’s light I will rise." With these two sentences, you switch from past to future tense. It's a bit of an awkward transition?? You could combine them, change the first sentence to present tense, change the second to present or past, or something else.

Feel free to disregard any of my critiques!! They're merely my own opinion, but it's yours that matters.

COMPLIMENTS

That's all for critiques!! Now more good things (:

Your imagery is stunning, and the way you've mirrored the sailor you're writing about to yourself is incredible. It's a very creative story, and it flows so well. You've conveyed the emotions and the hope of rising again perfectly. The haiku at the end of the poem is absolutely beautiful, and I will definitely be coming back to read this again!! It's absolutely incredible. You should definitely be proud!!




aooborromeo says...


Thank you!!! This was something I wrote four years ago based on a true story staring me! I wanted to have people critique it because it has potential it just needs to be fixed up.





ah yeah!!



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Sun May 09, 2021 6:29 pm
Plume wrote a review...



Hello there! Plume here, with a review!

I think this is a really interesting piece! I had never heard of a haibun before, but I feel like this piece was a great intro into what it is. It sounds like a super cool form of writing, and I really enjoyed reading yours, so much so that I might have to give it a try sometime. I think your subject matter was super cool, and I liked how it was in a way, a story within a story.

One thing I liked was all of the descriptions. The way the narrrator describes sonnets is super well-worded, and when they go on to describe the sailor they wrote about in their sonnet, it's really nice. I also loved the underlying messages you put throughout it, with the perseverance and the near despair. I think they're both very important things to cover, and you've done it wonderfully!

As I was reading this, I noticed that it kind of read like a monologue to me. Something about the narrator recounting their experience just kind of made my mind think of a monologue. I think it would sound really cool acted out, even if it's not meant to be. This isn't really a critique or a compliment, just an observation. I'll allow you to take it as you wish.

One thing I wondered about was your paragraphing. I'm not sure if it's a part of the structure of a haibun, but I feel like you might benefit from some shorter paragraphs to clear up what's going on. I feel like now it's more stiff, and paragraphs could help improve the flow. Here are my suggestions for where to put paragraphs (which you aren't obligated to take.)

I used to sit in the back of the class and write poetry. Shakespeare inspired me to write sonnets. Ten syllables for each of the sixteen lines. Rhyme scheme abab cdcd efef gg.

I was so intrigued by the way the words melded together in perfect harmony. I wrote about a sailor with the wind in his long blond locks. Brushing his hand through his thick hair wearing one of those blue trench coats and feather hats, holding a spyglass. He discovered far off worlds, islands filled with strange trees and foreign fruits. New kinds of people welcomed him wherever he went.

One night the sailor was caught in a terrifying tempest, with waves bigger than mountains. He was unafraid and he faced the turbulent seas. He grabbed the ship’s wheel, letting the wood give him splinters, gripping it hard he guided the ship through the sea. He told himself that he wouldn’t die tonight. The waves rocked the almost-broken boat back and forth.

Before I could finish the tale, a boy came and snatched the paper I was writing on and ripped it to pieces. Laughing hard, he told me that I would never become what I wanted to be. That I was as worthless as a single grain of sand by the shore.

The sailor was lost to the monster that gave him the fate he didn’t want: death. I could never be that sailor facing the storm. I faced a storm alright. I sank and sank and sank. Then with the strength of the dawn’s light I will rise.


I feel like that would help make the story more engaging, as it's not one huge block of text now. Also, I feel like you could improve your sentence variation/put in more commas. Right now, there's something about the tale that seems kind of stiff and impersonal, and I feel like maybe it's the sentence lengths. Try and liven it up a bit by including short and long sentences.

Specifics

...letting the wood give him splinters'...


Tiny thing: you don't need the apostrophe after splinters. In no way is it possessive, so you're fine without it. It only muddles up your piece and makes it look unprofessional.

Overall: nice work! I think this piece carried out what it was supposed to very well, and you're a very talented writer! I look forward to hopefully reading more from you in the future. Until next time!




aooborromeo says...


Thank you for your review! This is actually based off a true story staring me. I wrote this four years ago, and I posted it because it has potential to be really good. My style and writing has changed a lot since then. I posted this one hoping to get suggestions on how to make it better.

Haibuns are composed of one paragraph of prose and then a haiku. So.. that's the standard structure. It did get an award in my creative writing class but I want to improve it. I'll look into your suggestions. Thank you for your advice and kind words :)



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Sun May 09, 2021 1:10 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well...this was a really interesting little story here. Not the longest of stories but I think you've packed quite a few valuable bits of information in here somehow...and I love that. Well...a tiny bit more detail down below.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I used to sit in the back of the class and write poetry. Shakespeare inspired me to write sonnets. Ten syllables for each of the sixteen lines. Rhyme scheme abab cdcd efef gg. I was so intrigued by the way the words melded together in perfect harmony. I wrote about a sailor with the wind in his long blond locks. Brushing his hand through his thick hair wearing one of those blue trench coats and feather hats, holding a spyglass. He discovered far off worlds, islands filled with strange trees and foreign fruits. New kinds of people welcomed him wherever he went. Then, one night the sailor was caught in a terrifying tempest, with waves bigger than mountains. He was unafraid and he faced the turbulent seas. He grabbed the ship’s wheel, letting the wood give him splinters’, gripping it hard he guided the ship through the sea. He told himself that he wouldn’t die tonight. The waves rocked the almost broken boat back and forth. Before I could finish the tale, a boy came and snatched the paper I was writing on and ripped it to pieces. Laughing hard, he told me that I would never become what I wanted to be. That I was as worthless as a single grain of sand by the shore. The sailor was lost to the monster that gave him the fate he didn’t want: death. I could never be that sailor facing the storm. I faced a storm alright. I sank and sank and sank. Then with the strength of the dawn’s light I will rise.

The torrent tempest,

Blows hard against the small ship.

The ship will not sink.


Well...that was a bit of a rollecoaster ride that one...went strong and up and then everything started feeling down but then all of a sudden we rise up again...well...I do like the fact that we end on a strong note, that's just something I personally love to see in a story and well...yeah...good choice there.

As for the story itself...I did like the overall vibe here and the comparison being drawn between this ship caught in a storm at sea and the protagonist. Its a very simple little story but it does have itself a rather strong message and a pretty good message at that.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall...it was a nice little story. I definitely liked it and the message that its trying to convey here. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




aooborromeo says...


Yeah I wasn't sure about this one. Thanks for your review I really appreciate it :). The thing is this is a haibun I wrote four years ago. I posted it to find someone to help me revise it. I think it has great potential, I'm just not sure how to fix it. So I could use a little help.



aooborromeo says...


Fun Fact: It's a true story regarding me.




Attention is the beginning of devotion.
— Mary Oliver, Upstream