Young Writers Society

This story was told expressively, the character shows how much she loves her brother and how she still can’t move on from what happened, her daughter keeps on asking her if she had a guardian angel, if her uncle is watching over her from above and asking her mom what happened to her uncle but her mom refused to tell her because it is still hurts her and there’s a suddenly tragic ending. I definitely understand the story even if it short, it expresses the feelings of the characters and describe the places or the things in the story. I just noticed some grammars that are quit not really organized well because while I’m reading the story I sometimes stopped just to read it again and the author used some not usual words so as a reader I can’t help but to stop and search the meaning of it before I resume to read the story. I’m a bit shocked about the ending because they just talking about the death of her brother but the ending is so sudden that I don t even thought it would happen especially, the daughter is just only 7 years old. in contrast, it’s all good and I advised to just put some polish in the story and it’s all good. I hope my comment could help you to improve.

Oh, wow.

A story of loss from the perspective of a mother isn't something I see too often. It's also uncommon to have a short story with suicidal themes that isn't from the perspective of the suicidal character themself, so good work subverting some of those expectations.

Suspense was used very well throughout the piece. I fould myself rather eager to find out the circumstances of the uncle's passing and was thoroughly shocked by the ending. The end did feel unrealistic to me, though, especially since the daughter character is really young. As someone with... experience with the subject, it's usually something that's thought about for at least a few days or weeks before any action is taken, too. It seems like the daughter is just starting to understand death and loss, so her choice to immediately take her own life feels strange.

The punctuation of your dialouge needs revision. All of the quotes in this story should end with a period or comma if there isn't a punctuation mark there already. You can learn more about the exact rules here.

One last little thing:

the sunset ombre colours popped.

Hi YourFriendQuirks08,

Mailice here with a short review!

You wrote an extremely emotional story that gave me goosebumps while reading. Maybe because one can put oneself too much in that position of the characters or just how you portray the interaction between mother and child.

I stepped back from the cheap tombstone and stared to the distance, then up to the sky.
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"Mummy, is that uncle Robert?" Aria pointed up at the sky and smiled.

"Yes honey" I wiped the doplet off my face and looked up with her "He is watching down from the clouds, it's called heaven......see, he is looking at us now. Give him a wave Aria"

Aria paused and gave an emotional look at the sky and looked back at me.

"Can I go to heaven and see uncle Robert?"

I just couldn't smile in such a saddening world.

Hey there, I saw this piece in the literary section, and I would love to leave a review for you, if you don't mind! ^_^

I crouched down and placed the Calla lilies beside his grave. The flowers were a warm amber colour, with a red finish to the end of each small petal. They gave a vivid glow contrasting by the dull stone that sat on the dry, crumbling soil ; the sunset ombre colours popped.

I stepped back from the cheap tombstone and stared to the distance, then up to the sky.

“Mummy, is that uncle Robert?” Aria pointed up at the sky and smiled.

“He is watching down from the clouds, it’s called heaven…...see, he is looking at us now. Give him a wave Aria”

We looked down and slowly jaunted down the road to the car.

the 7 year old pointed up and gazed through the top window of the car.

She looked at me mesmerized but in a mild state of confusion. Aria sunk in her seat and looked forward.

“Do I have guardian angel mummy?” she stared “I like angels, they wear fancy white dresses”

I immediately started snuffled into my over sized

“But mum, I hurt too...” and that’s when she unclipped her seat belt and opened the car door one final time...she was gone.

Good lord this story was incredibly well written and emotional. The ending was a shock and that was a fantastic way to leave an impression. Shock value. I think many people have lost a family member and wondered where they've gone. You capture the emotion of that excellently. Somehow, you have perfected the kinds of rhetoric a small child would use and I admire this work for that. All in all a masterwork in emotion and storytelling!

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well...that ended badly...oh well...quite a depressing story to start a day on but heh...that does mean you've written it quite well so that's a good thing...I think...anyway...lemme get down to more detail below.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I crouched down and placed the Calla lilies beside his grave. The flowers were a warm amber colour, with a red finish to the end of each small petal. They gave a vivid glow contrasting by the dull stone that sat on the dry, crumbling soil ; the sunset ombre colours popped. It didn’t feel right, none of my life felt right since my brother passed away. I stepped back from the cheap tombstone and stared to the distance, then up to the sky.

“Mummy, is that uncle Robert?” Aria pointed up at the sky and smiled. She knew that he was gone...I couldn’t bear it. I raised my frown until it became a smile, however with an obvious tear slowly running down my cheek.

“Yes honey” I wiped the doplet off my face and looked up with her “He is watching down from the clouds, it’s called heaven…...see, he is looking at us now. Give him a wave Aria” I moved my hand in the air, wishing for him to really be there, I needed him to really be looking down on us. I clutched her hand and started to pull away from the grave.

“We need to go home now dear.”

Aria paused and gave an emotional look at the sky and looked back at me. She stared up at the grey, foggy haze and tilted her head slightly, searching for her beloved uncle. We looked down and slowly jaunted down the road to the car.

I pulled on the car door harshly, trembling as I started to lift her inside the backseat of the car.

“Mummy?” She asked, “Why did uncle go up there?” the 7 year old pointed up and gazed through the top window of the car. I began to speak, however paused before the first word drifted away from my mouth: I can’t say the real truth...but I can’t lie to her either, whatever way I choose to go, she will be heartbroken…

“H-his guardian angels wanted him back home, poppet. They decided that he was too great to live on earth, so they took him to heaven instead. He didn’t want to go, but he left a note for us and grandma” She looked at me mesmerized but in a mild state of confusion. Aria sunk in her seat and looked forward.

“Do I have guardian angel mummy?” she stared “I like angels, they wear fancy white dresses” I chuckled to myself before thinking what to say in response. Again, what am I meant to say? I couldn’t bring up words to tell her, but I can’t lie to her...that was on the edge but now the fibs are getting crazy.

“Yes of course you do sweetheart” I hugged her and clicked her seatbelt in place before entering the front, drivers seat a row in front. Please no more questions, I thought. This feels terrible to say, I thought. I am outright lying to both myself and my own daughter-

“Can I go to heaven and see uncle Robert?”

I immediately started snuffled into my over sized, dark hoodie and turned back to see her looking down at herself. Something was wrong.

“Honey, you are staying right here, uncle Robert was hurting terribly.” I looked at myself in the small car mirror and saw the black smudges running down my eyes. I didn’t hold it together...I just couldn’t smile in such a saddening world. I began to reverse silently and speed away, on the edge of tears

“But mum, I hurt too...” and that’s when she unclipped her seat belt and opened the car door one final time...she was gone.