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Prophecy of Thieves [chapter 15.2]

by mordax


The new clothes were infinitely warmer, and Amani was immensely glad Rieka and Kai had gotten them. The wool and fur-lined trousers, tunics, and cloaks were situated perfectly for the Styrkish weather, though glancing up at the snowy peaks surrounding them, she doubted their warmth would last.

They were a day away from entering the Kiertsk mountains, according to the prince. Their treacherous hikes would grow only more difficult. Though now that the others were accompanying them, Amani’s unease around Zain abated slightly. While his presence was still a danger, she doubted he was foolish enough to attempt harming her or Shadya with so many witnesses—especially now that Rieka was armed.

Due to this, Amani made sure to never stray far from the others nor to allow Shadya out of her sight. Even in the nights, she lay awake for hours until she was positive Zain was asleep, and she was always the first to rise at dawn. The effects of her sleepless nights were wearing on her, making her vigilance all the more harder to maintain, but she knew it was necessary.

They began planning the theft of the Sword of Strength, though most everyone, Ren included, seemed at a loss without the layouts. Rieka and Kai sparred each morning with their new weapons, often trading so they were well versed with both. Though the idea was a good one, their practices often ended only half an hour later with Rieka sputtering insults and Kai marching off to distance himself. Shadya seemed to find the whole ordeal tremendously entertaining.

The prince seemed unusually quiet, though no one else, Kai included, seemed to notice. Even during their planning, he would instigate the process, then lapse into silence while Rieka, Kai, and Ren bantered with the occasional input of Zain. During their rests and meals, Amani found herself watching him and his tense expressions.

One evening while the others spoke around the fire, Shadya listening with rapt attention, Amani sidled up beside him.

“The loss of the layouts is only a minor setback,” Amani said softly. “We will find a way to recover the sword.”

The prince glanced her way, a crease forming between his brows. “You believe that?”

No, she didn’t. But she still said, “Your gods have assigned you—us—this journey. Why would they do so if it was only meant to end in failure?”

The crease in his brows only deepened despite Amani’s comforting words. “The gods make mistakes,” he responded absently, turning to stare at the fire.

Amani paused, scrutinizing his expression. He didn’t believe in the gods, she realized. The prime focus of his gods’ prophecy and he didn’t believe in it. The revelation was a shocking one but also brought clarity.

“Regardless, preordained or not, with the gold we all have to earn, I doubt anyone here will allow failure,” Amani said, nodding towards Rieka and Ren who were arguing over who was the more skilled criminal. Kai shook his head, lowering his face into his hands.

While she believed her words—Ren’s thirst for gold and Rieka’s thirst for glory were strong enough to deny an early death—their group was broken. Whatever met them in the mountain, dragon or man, they would need to work together to even hope for success. And after their return from the capital, any kind of teamwork had been demolished.

Whatever had happened within the capital had extinguished the small flame of trust that had begun to bloom between them. It was as though the single failure of the cave’s layouts had destroyed any hope of success. They were once again desperate strangers carrying nothing but their pride and anger.

She had her worries for their upcoming theft but had not given them much time, focusing instead on her more present threat of Zain. She now realized if she focused solely on that threat, none of it would matter once they failed to retrieve the Sword of Strength.

Amani wasn’t gifted in the ways of heists and battle. Her input would be useless in regards to their upcoming theft. But she was gifted in words, so she provided the prince what she could. “This plan can’t be made by you alone.”

The prince met her gaze, his jaw tightening.

“You need Ren’s experience and Rieka’s knowledge. You need them just as much as they need you. If you try to do this alone, we will never succeed.” She didn’t wait for him to respond before rising and seating herself beside Shadya on the opposite side of the fire. Shadya held out a small apple and Amani took it with a smile.

After several beats, she shot a glance at the prince to find him staring into his lap, his hands clenched into fists.

Amani awoke in darkness. She immediately reached beside her and breathed in relief to find Shadya asleep.

She sat up slowly, silently stretching out her aching arms. Clouds obscured any signs of the stars and moon, leaving the world an eerie grey.

Amani pushed herself to her feet, glancing around their small camp. As her eyes adjusted to the darkness, she made out each form deep in slumber. Ren was supposed to be on guard, but he was burrowed beneath blankets, his form rising and falling with each breath.

She needed to move, and while the prospect of leaving Shadya alone and vulnerable was a horrible one, Zain seemed to be fast asleep.

After tying on her boots and cloak, she glided off between trees to a small ledge they had walked past just before setting up camp. The drop wasn’t too steep, but steep enough to warrant concern. Yet, the view was magnificent, showing a valley with a crystal clear river below. She doubted the river would be visible under the shadows of night, but she craved the feeling of the fresh wind billowing from between the cliffs.

She stopped near the edge, keeping a safe distance away. As she had suspected, any sign of the earlier view was hidden, so she only closed her eyes and breathed.

Styrka was more foreign to Amani than any place she had been. When she had first arrived in Arlan, she believed it to be strange and frightening with its differing customs and climate, but Styrka was more so. The air somehow tasted different, like crisp pine and snow. It pierced her lungs in a way that was both bright and uncomfortable. And the sky, though covered by clouds, seemed to be of a different world.

Styrka, unlike Arlan or Bahajad, was so untouched. It was isolated from the rest of the world despite its close proximity to Arlan. She knew that was no coincidence, but there was beauty in the unmarked land and culture.

While Styrka felt foreign to her, it was never a negative thing. In fact, there was much of it that Amani found herself admiring. The peace and gentle breeze rising from the valley was what she admired then. There was no place so tranquil within Reindale.

Amani’s eyes fell upon a smudge of light behind the clouds. The moon. She felt its phantom rays upon her skin despite its concealment. It seemed to be whispering to her in the night; soothing her.

She hadn’t thought of her gods in a long time. So long, she wondered if they would reject her if she decided to pray once more. Shadya was much better at maintaining her relationship with the deities, but Amani had given up the day she had sold her soul.

But what harm would come from praying? From asking for assistance when she was lost?

Shaza, the moon goddess, was the one to provide wisdom. It was the goddess Amani had valued most while in Bahajad. The moon waited expectantly now, listening. She let her eyes drift closed and opened her mouth, her admission of endless guilt and distress clinging to the tip of her tongue.

A crunch of pine jolted her from her serenity, and Amani’s eyes flew open. She turned slowly just as Zain walked into the clearing.

Every muscle in Amani’s body seized. Though the fear was an automatic reaction, a small wave of relief sighed within her. Shadya was safe. If she weren’t, Zain would’ve never bothered following her.

“It’s late,” Amani commented offhandedly. She was too far from the others, so any screaming would be futile. Even if it wasn’t, Zain could kill her long before anyone arrived.

What would happen to Shadya? Amani had dragged her sister all the way to Styrka, and she doubted the others would care for her should she die. Who would protect her from Madame Bastelle? From the king?

“You are up,” Zain responded with the same level of nonchalance. If his goal was to kill her, why hadn’t he done it yet?

Amani waited, watching him warily. She couldn’t overpower him, and if he was truly an assassin, her words would do no good. When he still didn’t move or speak, she said, “I wished to be alone, so if you have something to say, say it.”

Zain’s shoulders stiffened and his scar twitched across his cheek. The shadows on his face made him seem all the more gruesome. Where was his hidden weapon? Beneath his sleeve? Across his torso? He concealed it well.

Zain nodded stiffly and took a step back. “I apologize for interrupting you,” he said, then turned on his heel and marched back into the woods.

As soon as he was gone, she took a deep breath. She wasn’t foolish enough to believe he wasn’t truly an assassin. But then the question of why she still lived arose.

The minute his silhouette vanished among the pines, she trailed after him. She managed to arrive back at camp a second after he did, and perched beside her sister, setting a hand upon Shadya’s sleeping form.

Amani found Zain’s purpose all the more confusing once more. Was he after Shadya, then, if he hadn’t killed Amani? Was he an assassin at all? Perhaps his purpose was different: one like her old profession.

Whatever the case, she didn’t sleep the rest of the night. Or the night after that. 


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Tue Aug 03, 2021 6:46 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi mordax,

Mailice back with another review! :D

I'm glad to read that we finally get some more interactions from Amani (and Shadya). I really like the fact that, in contrast to the others, she's much clearer and calmer in her thinking, and despite her thirst for freedom when the mission is completed, she's not completely consumed by gold or glory straight away like Ren or Rieka. I think that's an aspect I like most about her and also the level-headedness of seeing everything in a somewhat optimistic-realistic opinion.

I think it was also the first time, as far as I know, that she actively talked to the prince, which I also thought gave a good insight into Ambrose, and for the first time I also realised that he doesn't trust even the gods. Whether that's because such prophecies usually went wrong or whether it has to do with his own confidence or faith, who knows? I think it gives the whole view even more depth.

The second half gave me a definite shiver. It was a self-reflection where I kept expecting Zain to suddenly come along, and somehow that happened (thankfully without a mishap, of course.) I found this information you've now been given again a good balance to the many characters we've had so far.

You have a knack for always inserting the circumstances in such a way that it doesn't become too much or else inappropriate. It always seems like an appendix that is not necessary but is important for the essential information. I think with chapter 15.1. and 15.2. you have created a very good division with this and shown two perspectives that push away from each other like magnets, but can still be together if you turn the pages a little.

They were a day away from entering the Kiertsk mountains, according to the prince.

With all your world-building, I wonder if you ever drew a map and if so, will you share it with us? :D

Have fun writing!

Mailice




mordax says...


Thank you again! And I have a map drawn, albeit poorly, but I don%u2019t know how to share it on here%u2026





If you change your mind one day / or redraw the map, you can just put it through the publishing centre into your chapter. :D



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Tue Jun 29, 2021 9:03 pm
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Shady wrote a review...



Heya mordax,

Late to the party, but back again, nonetheless. Hope you're doing well! Let's jump in...

She needed to move, and while the prospect of leaving Shadya alone and vulnerable was a horrible one, Zain seemed to be fast asleep.


Oh gosh, I have SUCH a bad feeling about this...

Amani’s eyes fell upon a smudge of light behind the clouds.


I really like the imagery of "smudge of light" here, I think it has nice mental associations.

She turned slowly just as Zain walked into the clearing.


BAD FEELING INTENSIFIES GET AWAY FROM THE CLIFF

But then the question of why she still lived arose.


I know I'm missing some context since I've jumped in so late, but I will say, from someone with only the context that I currently have, it confuses me a bit why she is so certain that Zain is going to kill her/her sister.

Overall, though, this was a really good chapter! I like the awkwardness between Amani and Zain. It's mysterious and almost a bit frustrating since I don't understand what the interaction is supposed to mean. But that's really great, honestly. Because sometimes those sorts of situations arise in real life and can't just be neatly explained away. It's good stuff.

Hope this helped!

~Shady

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Sun Jun 20, 2021 2:04 pm
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starlitmind wrote a review...



HELLO <3

Even in the nights, she lay awake for hours until she was positive Zain was asleep, and she was always the first to rise at dawn.


Omg Amani is so perceptive and she definitely knows Zain is up to no good xD I think she has the upper hand here, because while Zain realizes that she is smart and will figure out his plans soon, he doesn't know that she is aware of some ill intention. So it's going to make it all the more harder for Zain to lure her away, alone

The wool and fur-lined trousers, tunics, and cloaks were situated perfectly for the Styrkish weather, though glancing up at the snowy peaks surrounding them, she doubted their warmth would last.

Though now that the others were accompanying them, Amani’s unease around Zain abated slightly.

Though the idea was a good one, their practices often ended only half an hour later with Rieka sputtering insults and Kai marching off to distance himself.


I just noticed that you use the "though something something something" sentence structure several times in the first four paragraphs. I don't think it would hurt to change it up, since I notice you like using this throughout your chapters c: so it might help to distance it out a bit so it doesn't seem too repetitive ^_^

He didn’t believe in the gods, she realized. The prime focus of his gods’ prophecy and he didn’t believe in it.


Omg I literally forgot about this ashdjikl
I think that explains why Ambrose is so much more tense than the rest, especially Kai. Because Kai has the gods to rely on and to trust on; Ambrose has nothing. And it's going to be hard to fight for something you don't believe in
Amani's perceptiveness just keeps on being showcased xD

Amani said, nodding towards Rieka and Ren who were arguing over who was the more skilled criminal. Kai shook his head, lowering his face into his hands.


Why does this sentence literally sum up everything that has been going on for the majority of the chapters omg

I love hearing Amani's thoughts on Styrka! It's awesome to me how much she likes the place and its "foreignness" and "differentness" -> I feel like most people have a negative reaction to how isolated they are, but Amani really seems to be fascinated by how untouched and isolated it is. I love her perspective on the place :)

A crunch of pine jolted her from her serenity, and Amani’s eyes flew open. She turned slowly just as Zain walked into the clearing.


omgomg :OOO AHHHHHH

okay okay that meeting was quick and done with, so that's good >.> if anything, I think that confirmed Amani's suspicions about him. Although, she is now worried that Shadya is Zain's target; she is already so protective over her sister, and now with this new thought, I doubt she will ever allow her little sister to leave her sight. I think it is really sweet how much Amani thinks about her sister; I remember Rieka pointed out that she was holding Shadya so tightly that it looked like she was choking her or something like that xD so that shows it's apparent to everyone how close the two sisters are. I think that's sweet :')

OKAY it was nice to hear from Amani again! ^_^ I'm excited to see how this pans out between her and Zain; while I don't think she will end up dying, I wonder if she will have a near-death experience >.>

Can't wait to read your next chapter! I hope these thoughts prove useful to you :)




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Thu Jun 03, 2021 2:26 pm
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Otterpop wrote a review...



Hey there! Otterpop here with a quick review!

Figured I'd get this out of the Green Room, especially since it's been there so long! Now I am not familiar with any of the previous sections, but that doesn't mean I cannot offer a little advice here and there!

Despite not reading any previous sections, I did not feel terribly lost, and a lot of the sentences struck me as clear and easy to understand in regards to certain actions, bits of dialogue, or characters. The characters and worldbuilding in particular caught my attention and I can tell even through this single section alone that you've put a lot of time and thought into the story, the characters, and the world you've created. I always love seeing complex characters across various stories as I feel they tend to make stories a lot more interesting.

Normally I look at the works of a lot of people regarding the show don't tell rule, especially with fantasy or fantasy-like genres. While I think there was a bit more tell than needed, I would say in this case it actually works a little, since a lot of it focuses on Amani's thoughts and trying to figure out the other characters and the situation around her. And despite that you still put a lot of showing and dialogue and action into the section that balanced it out, so perhaps something to think about in the future!

I did notice another thing that most certainly caught my eye while reading this: the very, very frequent use of the word 'was'. It can be hard to not use this word often, and near impossible to try and avoid it completely. While some instances I felt in the moment with the story, observing the frequent use of the word did make me feel that less often (with dialogue serving as a bit of an exception).

Amani’s eyes fell upon a smudge of light behind the clouds. The moon. She felt its phantom rays upon her skin despite its concealment. It seemed to be whispering to her in the night; soothing her.


This above seemed to be a great example of showing not telling, and less usage of the 'was'-like words that I actually really enjoyed reading a couple of times. Descriptions and feelings like this are really powerful you should know (unless you do already!).

And of course you can find ways to work around it. By removing the word in some occasions and substituting them for active verbs and details, you could greatly improve your writing and really make your reader feel a lot more 'in the moment' with the story. You may not have even noticed, but I have hardly used the word myself in this review alone (same with the words is, are, be, and being), and that came with a great deal of practice in creative writing. Practice with using these words less may really benefit your writing, and it already looks fantastic so far so there's a plus!

Sorry for such a long review but hopefully I've been able to provide a little helpful advice! Happy writing!




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Tue May 04, 2021 4:13 pm
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Honora wrote a review...



Back again! :D

The prince seemed unusually quiet, though no one else, Kai included, seemed to notice. This sentence isn't necessarily wrong but in the paragraph above it, you wrote They began planning the theft of the Sword of Strength, though most everyone, Ren included, seemed at a loss without the layouts. They are both almost the same and I had to check to see if I accidently reread the previous paragraph. So, my suggestion is to change one or the other just to make it less repetitive.

It pierced her lungs in a way that was both bright and uncomfortable.
Sounds like Canada :-P

Was he after Shadya, then, if he hadn’t killed Amani?
Saying Amani here made my consciousness kick out of the personal feel that I have with each of your characters. It made me realize that everything was in third person but it had a very narrative feel to it. Maybe reword it so that Amani is her or something like that.

Last but not least, I feel like many of the small paragraphs in the last bit of the chapter could be combined. It didn't flow as well as it could since I was reading about the same thing but had to pause mentally at the end of each one...if that makes any sense to you. I'm not the greatest at explaining what I mean and I apologize for that :)

Other then those few things, it was just as good as the rest. This chapter really made it easier to connect with Amani and kind of gave more insight of her true character. That she was forced to take drastic measures in her past to protect Shadya and her secrets. It's all such an interesting maze and the twists of each character really keep me interested in their past and future. I can't wait to see what Zain has planned for her. I feel like he'll have a more emotional attachment to them by the time he has to kill them. Which should be interesting since he's such a macho man...in his own, quiet, assassin ways.

Anyways, that's all I have for you! :D

Keep up the great work! I look forward to your next chapter!
Honora




mordax says...


Thank you!!! And I agree with all your suggestions, thank you for these wonderful reviews!



Honora says...


Glad I could help! :)




If a million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
— Anatole France