z

Young Writers Society


12+

Chapter 1 - The Prophecy

by FourLeafClover


I rolled my eyes at Seph and said, “Yeah, right. Why would Hades want to talk to me? I’m just Cerberus’s caretaker, and he never needs to speak to me about anything. So what’s up?”

Seph glanced around nervously and whispered, “Not here, Vic. I can’t tell you yet. Hades wants to tell you himself.”

“Oh, wonderful. Walking up to a king without knowing what you’re getting into. Great idea,” I reply, dusting off my leggings. “Well, we might as well go and get it over with.” I carefully set down Cerberus’s rusty dog bowl, made a mental note to make it not be rusty anymore, and followed Seph to Hades’s throne room.

We hurried across Cerberus’s yard and leapt over a river of lava. Seph made a sharp left and I followed suit, nearly crashing into a gigantic, furry black leg. We tilted our heads up slowly and grinned when we saw Cerberus.

“Hey, Cerbie!” I shouted up to him. I scratched his leg and worked my way around until I was rubbing his stomach. Cerberus let out a delighted bark and moved so that his eyes were level with my head and he wasn’t squashing me. I unzipped my bright orange bag and withdrew a dog treat, which I gave to him. “Good Cerberus. Seph and I are just going to visit Master Hades. I’ll be back soon.” I zipped my bag back up and slung it back around my shoulders in one fluid movement, then moved back to stand next to Seph.

Seph gave Cerberus a quick pat and then dragged me away in the direction of Hades’s palace. We dodged lava and the dead, who gave us withering looks and huffed at us. I don’t think they realized that Seph was the queen, otherwise they probably wouldn’t have done that.

The palace came into view, looming in the distance. The volcanic rock it was made out of almost blended in with the volcanoes and the darkness. It was only given away to us by the brightly flowering vines that hung over the windows flickering with dim candlelight. The flames danced and cast wavering shadows through the Underworld.

I breathed in the scent of fire that I loved. Whether it was a campfire, candles, or literally anything fire-related, the smell was always my favorite.

Seph tugged me even faster than before, weaving between the dead. We reached the palace doors really quickly because of that.

The doors opened slowly and creakily of their own accord, and we speed walked inside. Seph led me toward the dais and up to Hades’s black throne made of volcanic rock and went to her mossy throne with flower patterns.

Hades looked up from his throne and smiled brightly when he saw Seph. “Hello, Seph,” he greeted her. Then he addressed me. “Ah, Victoria Lawrence. I have something… quite interesting… to tell you. Follow me. Seph, you’re in charge while I’m showing the Oracle to Victoria.” He stood up from his throne, his black robes billowing around his feet, and gestured for me to follow him through a formidable black door carved with swirling patterns.

I cautiously walked after him, checking behind my shoulder to see if Seph was comfortable. She was. I turned back to Hades and my jaw dropped open when I saw his Oracle.

It wasn’t the Oracle of Delphi. This was a different Oracle entireley.

In fact, it wasn’t even a person.

It was a glowing spere with mist surrounding it.

“Go ahead,” Hades instructed me, nodding toward the Oracle. “Go to it and discover your fate.”

“Oh, yeah,” I muttered under my breath, “not doomy at all.” I shook myself and walked up to the Oracle and held my breath.

The mist began to swirl, slowly at first, then faster and faster. A deep voice came from above me, and I tilted my head to try to see whose voice it was. Then I mentally kicked myself. Of course I couldn’t see who it was. The gods were speaking through the Oracle, and they weren’t about to reveal themselves to me anytime soon.

“Four and three shall journey west

To save the village on this quest.

Fireborne daughter leads thy pack

To find the songs Olympus lacks.

Unite the stars to kill the beast

Living in a cave far due east.”

Well, that wasn’t concerning at all.

Unfortunely, I knew who the fireborne daughter was. Me. I’m the daughter of Hephaestus, the god of fire, was my father, which makes me his fireborne daughter. No one knew which set of mythology my mother was from, but we knew she wasn’t Greek and is somehow related to fire.

When the Oracle stopped working its magic, Hades came up behind me and said, “You get to choose who will come with you. There are four girls and three boys who will go, but you only need to pick three girls and three boys because be already know you’re going.”

I nodded and thought about it. My friend Lotus was good with survival and self-defense, so she would be good to take. As would my cousin, Carter, because he was good at hunting and could help with getting food during the quest. “Lotus Smith and Carter Lawrence,” I said slowly. “I need to think about the other four a little longer.”

Hades stepped aside and gestured for me that I could go now, and I did so immediately.

The words of the prophecy rattled around in my mind the entire way back, through the lava and the dead, through Cerberus’s yard, through the junkyard, across the river, and into my ramshackle hut.

I flung down my bag, pounced onto my bed, lit a citrus-scented candle, and lay down to fall asleep.

The prophecy never left my mind the entire night.


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Thu Jun 17, 2021 8:54 pm
ArctiWolf wrote a review...



Loved the chapter. Keep it up!

Now onto the review!

Quick little note, (I don't know if there is really enough here for a review) I just noticed you seemed to have a minor spelling mistake you might want to fix. It's the only thing I found wrong with the entire chapter

There are four girls and three boys who will go, but you only need to pick three girls and three boys because be already know you’re going.

It seemed like you meant to type we. Anyways typos are common and I thought I'd try to be helpful.

Great story keep it up! I look forward to seeing more from you. Until then, happy writing!






Thank you for pointing out the typo! I didn't notice it, so I'm glad you brought it to my attention!



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Tue Jun 15, 2021 7:42 pm
Zycoptl00 says...



Great chapter, great start.




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Sat May 15, 2021 1:33 am
starlitmind wrote a review...



HELLO THERE! ^_^ I saw the third chapter of this novel was in the green room, and I wanted to review it, so I decided to start from chapter one before I got to chapter three! c: I skimmed over the other reviews you have, but if I accidentally say something someone else has already mentioned, I do apologize!

“Yeah, right. Why would Hades want to talk to me? I’m just Cerberus’s caretaker, and he never needs to speak to me about anything. So what’s up?”


Omg your first dialogue already revealed so much AHH I AM INTRIGUED! I love greek mythology, so this sounds super interesting ^_^

I reply, dusting off my leggings. “Well, we might as well go and get it over with.” I carefully set down Cerberus’s rusty dog bowl


So I noticed that you have this part in present tense, but the rest of the story is in past tense. I think it would be helpful to go back and double check your tenses! c:

We hurried across Cerberus’s yard and leapt over a river of lava.


Ooh, I would love an elaboration on this, if you'd be interested in doing that! c: I'm guessing it's quite a narrow river if they risk jumping over it? (or maybe they aren't affected by lava) Does the river bubble? Does it flow quite fast, or does it ever overflow? Just a little elaboration might help since I don't think the reader would be familiar with having lava rivers xD

I shouted up to him. I scratched his leg and worked my way around until I was rubbing his stomach. Cerberus let out a delighted bark and moved so that his eyes were level with my head and he wasn’t squashing me. I unzipped my bright orange bag and withdrew a dog treat, which I gave to him. “Good Cerberus. Seph and I are just going to visit Master Hades. I’ll be back soon.” I zipped my bag back up and slung it back around my shoulders in one fluid movement, then moved back to stand next to Seph.


Another thing I noticed is that you started a large number of sentences with "I" here -> I don't think it would hurt to vary your sentence structure a bit so it doesn't get repetitive c:

We dodged lava and the dead, who gave us withering looks and huffed at us.


Ooh, I love the phrase "withering looks," that is super neat! You could even add more here; what do the dead people look like? I'm curious if they are ghost-like, or solid humans (that sounds so weird xD) Just general elaboration would be awesome c:

Seph tugged me even faster than before


I love how you constantly have Seph tugging the narrator and trying to hurry them up. That's shows the urgency of Seph and how whatever hades is going to say is probably not going to be so good :O so I love that consistency and foreshadowing!

“Go ahead,” Hades instructed me, nodding toward the Oracle. “Go to it and discover your fate.”


suspicious 0.0

Well, that wasn’t concerning at all.


LOL HONESTLY

I’m the daughter of Hephaestus, the god of fire, was my father, which makes me his fireborne daughter. No one knew which set of mythology my mother was from, but we knew she wasn’t Greek and is somehow related to fire.


Ooh it's nice to know this, but maybe it would be cool for the initial thoughts to be Victoria's inner thoughts? Like is she panicking? We got her sarcastic comment before, which I loved, but it would be cool to have a deeper insight into her feelings; only if you want, though! c:

I also think this first chapter is a bit face paced. I love the prophecy! But I'm a bit surprised Victoria has the whole thing figured out already. Usually, when given prophecies, the characters over its meaning a bit xD and I can understand how you wouldn't want this to be vague and you're looking for something more direct. In that case, maybe you could wait a chapter until Victoria figures out who she wants to go on the trip with her? Or just something to slow it down a bit; otherwise, the prophecy kind of loses its "magicalness" if that makes sense xD

The prophecy never left my mind the entire night.


I'm sure; poor Victoria >.>

AHH this story sounds super interesting!! I love how I've already gotten a grasp on the characters and the general storyline. I also love how chill of a guy Hades seems to be xD I imagined him all fired and raged up, but he's actually pretty calm! or at least for now xD

The prophecy sounds quite ominous 0.0 My favourite line is definitely "Unite the stars to kill the beast" -> that sounds super interesting, and I really can't wait to find out what that means!

Oh, and I also love how friendly Cerberus seems! He seems so big and fully and cute, and it's awesome to see that he loves belly rubs haha xD hopefully he won't be biting off anyone's hand though >.>

I can't wait to read your next chapters! This seems like such a lovely story, and you'll do great with it :)






Thanks for the review!
I did go back and fix most of the things you said in my google doc (which I plan on turning into a PDF and sharing with everyone), but I didn't describe the dead, so that would be a nice touch! Thanks!



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Sat Apr 24, 2021 10:47 am
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi FourLeafClover,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

Let's start with the fact that you caught my interest with your first paragraph and that you were able to introduce the story with it.

As far as the layout of a first chapter is concerned, I like the way you divided the plot a bit and separated it by combining dialogues and explanations. This gives the reader a certain sense of security when they plunge into this world knowing only a little of the characters and deities of Greek mythology. I also loved that you got a little bit of a different insight into these characters, where they weren't immediately warring and fighting each other.

Something I noticed while reading was the transitions from one place to another. One found these a little unpolished and I felt in some places as if there was some background information missing. For example, at the beginning, when they went to Cerberus, it felt like there was suddenly a moment that was completely missing.

Seph gave Cerberus a quick pat and then dragged me away in the direction of Hades's palace. We dodged lava and the dead, who gave us withering looks and huffed at us. I don't think they realized that Seph was the queen, otherwise they probably wouldn't have done that.
The palace came into view, looming in the distance.


Here, for example, I found it a little too much that something was missing. I would have liked to see a little more development there, because that would have been the best opportunity to give a little more description of what the surroundings look like, but also what the characters look like.

The flames danced and cast wavering shadows through the Underworld.


This has become a very great sentence that I like a lot.

It was a glowing spere with mist surrounding it.


Here you could have been a little more detailed by describing the sphere with colours, the size or at what height it floats, etc....

I liked the poem of the oracle very much, especially because you managed to make it rhyme. It didn't feel "false" or forced either.

I'm the daughter of Hephaestus, the god of fire, was my father, which makes me his fireborne daughter.


I would rewrite the sentence a bit here, because it reads a bit bumpy. It would be best if you split it into two sentences, right after "Hephaestus". That would also give the reader a little break to build up the drama and then you could start the next part "The god of fire, (etc)".
Grammar-wise, I didn't find anything to change now. The reading flow turned out very well and I thought it felt good to read it too, except for the few scenes where I felt something was missing.

You wrote a very solid first chapter! Have a great rest of your writing!

Mailice.






Thank you for the review!
I'll make sure to fix my transitions and the sentence.



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Fri Apr 23, 2021 3:27 am
OrangeJuice158 says...



This was a really interesting read! I especially liked the prophecy. Most of the time, when people try and write something that rhymes, the word choice is cheesy to say the least, but you really made it sound good!

Only thing that my nit-picky self would change is the small sentence error regarding Vic's father that another user has already pointed out. I'd also really like to see a slower pace. I like where this is headed, but some time to stop and smell the metaphorical roses would be nice.

But I think once those changes are made, it'll be golden! This is a great first installment for what I hope will be a good series.






Thank you!



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Thu Apr 22, 2021 11:23 pm
blueca wrote a review...



Hello, hello! This is a really fun jump into this world of mythology.

I felt really overwhelmed at the start. A lot of information was dropped all at once. Reading just the first line of dialouge, the reader learns:
-There's someone named Seph
-Hades wants to talk to the narrator for some reason
-The narrator takes care of Cerberus
-The setting has something to do with Greek mythology
-Hades rarely speaks to the narrator

There's no issue with jumping straight into the action like this, but being slapped with all of this as soon as you start reading is a lot. I thought there was some supplementary material I had missed. I appreciate everything being explained in more detail later, but there's a lot to process.

This is a little dramatic, but I felt like I was being pulled around from place to place on a leash without any time to really take in the places I was visiting throughout most of the chapter. Pacing is very important, my friend. I agree with @Horisun about adding more descriptions, that should help space things out and provide more clear imagery for the reader.

Oh, and here's the mandatory grammar nitpick:

I’m the daughter of Hephaestus, the god of fire, was my father, which makes me his fireborne daughter.

I mostly just want to bring this sentence to your attention, it's pretty rough (redundant, mixes tenses, etc.).

Your concept and characters provide a really solid foundation, I'd love to watch as you build the rest of your story!






Thank you for the review!
Yeah, looking back on it, I definitely dumped WAY too much info at first.
You're right, I definitely should have tried to do better with the pacing and descriptions; that part was really bad.
OH MY HECK. I typed that? How the heck did "was my father" get in there? That was definitely not intended. Thank you so much for bringing this to my attention!



blueca says...


No problem, glad I could help!



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Thu Apr 22, 2021 4:08 pm
Horisun wrote a review...



Greetings and salutations! This immediately caught my eye, as I am a huge fan of Greek Mythology! Though I am not the most knowledgeable on the subject, the old legends make for great inspiration in new stories!
I must ask, is the main character based on anyone from the Mythology?
Anyway, regardless of your inspiration, I really enjoyed this! The dialogue was good, and the Main Character seems incredibly interesting!
I also loved your characters interactions with Cerberus! Instead of a giant, evil guardian of the Underworld, you painted him like an adorable little puppy, for which I adore!
However, I did feel that this chapter could use some more description in general. Using that paragraph as an example, perhaps you could describe to us Cerberus’s appearance? Maybe the way his eyes light up as she pulls out the treat? That sort of thing!
Furthermore, I felt perhaps you could have handled the transitions better. Well I really enjoyed how you showed Victoria and Sephs (Who I assume is Persephone) Relationship without explicitly telling us when you described Victoria looking back to check on her, the way it is described implies that the Delphi was just sitting off to the side in the Throne Room. I would suggest describing them walking down the hallway, and use that time for exposition. For example, describing the characters appearances, giving more hints to their pasts, their relationships. And, bonus points, it also raises the tensions, and keeps the readers on the edge of their seats, wanting to know what Hades needs to show her.
My last small critique is the aftermath of the prophecy. Well I really enjoyed the last line (And also that she lights a candle before bed! That is an excellent attention to detail!) I felt perhaps you could have conveyed Victorias shock a tad better.
Other than all of that, I loved watching this story unfold, and look forward to seeing what you will do with it in the future! (And if you felt any of these critiques are invalid, feel free to disregard them) Keep on writing, and have a great day!






Thank you so much for the review!
Vic is the daughter of Hephaestus, so kinda-ish.
Thank you, I'm glad you like Vic and the dialogue!
And yeah, I always view Cerberus as a cute puppy, regardless of what my English teacher says about him.
Yeah, I should probably have described Cerberus better, you're right. And my transitions really suck, so you're right about that, too.
(And yes, Seph is Persephone. Also, I think I remember stating that this Oracle wasn't the Delphi, but I don't really remember.)
I did explain a bit more about how Vic looks in the second chapter, but I should also probably have done that in this one, along with hinting at her past and relationships, and the same with the other characters.
Yeah, I probably could have conveyed Vic's shock better.
Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it! I'm planning to make a lot more chapters as well, and maybe make it into either a trilogy or something longer.
Thank you, I hope you have a great day, too!



Horisun says...


It's no trouble! I'm going to try to get to the next chapter tomorrow :D





Thanks! And you don't have to if you don't want to, so if you don't want to or don't have time to, I'm not going to force you to read it.



Horisun says...


Don%u2019t worry! This seems like an incredibly interesting story, and I look forward to seeing where you take it!




"Life, although it may only be an accumulation of anguish, is dear to me, and I will defend it."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein