Young Writers Society

Hi Yoshikrab,

Mailice here with a short review!

Still in training on how to review a poem, so I hope I'm not misreading too much into the text.

When I first read the poem, I thought it was about a possible suicide. The second time I read it, I thought it could also be written from the point of view of a person who has a social anxiety, or has great shyness. The third time I read it, I got the impression that it could also be someone who is perhaps trying to (or has again) fallen into a drug addiction or something similar and therefore believes that the urge for his drug can cause him to suffocate.

the clouds are streaming tears

Apart from the wonderful way you started the opening, I got the impression that you meant more that, despite the symbolism of the line, no one will mourn for anyone. You are alone, just as clouds that disappear with time, so too can (false) friends who cry and laugh with you, but now, in the dark hour, want nothing more to do with you.

indefinitely frozen
but your eyes still see
your ears still hear well
but your body is not free

Here I had the feeling that it was written from the point of view of someone who has stopped in the middle of a large crowd of people and is suddenly about to collapse, or is having some kind of seizure. It's very intense, especially because towards the end you're reproducing the verse in a modified version. It's like this point where you realise that something is happening, but you can't do anything anymore, as if in a stupor.

the rules of the ropes that strangle you tighter
with every word that you never say

I think this could also very well be a kind of quote for someone who is trying to start a revolution in a strict regime of a state. I like the verse, especially because it speaks of something that is no longer possible, although you mention rules. I can also interpret ropes differently than just ropes.


The fourth time I read it, I came to the conclusion that maybe it's really about an addict who is in withdrawal and no longer has the possibility to get his substance and is now close to the end. That's why I think some passages turned out very well, where I can read that into it, for example.

alone in the depths
of your broken mind
nothing can comfort you
nothing you can find
-=-
the pain is evident
your heart is a clamshell
one without the pearl inside
a mem'ry of how you fell

Just here I had this impression of an addict, how he sits alone in his room and his brain doesn't work due to the consumption and he can't get a kick any more. It's the lack of that point and yet the urge to get back there, but the more he tries to get there, the deeper he falls into his abyss.

The final conclusion also made me think about an addict, as he is not the first and will not be the last. He is one of many. Forgotten in the shadows and rain of society.


You put a lot of effort into making it rhyme and I also find the structure with the -=- very interesting, because you can also interpret a lot into this little symbol. Your repetition at the end of a stanza as well as the line "and your eyes can see" is very well chosen, because it seems like a short cry, right at the end before the finish, before one has completely lost (against life, oneself, etc...) In connection with "your body is not free" I can also see it as a symbolism that one sees something, but does not recognise it, entrenched in one's own brain without perception. Also, the use of the lines in a different structure, give this ending some more meaning.


I don't know why I like to try to read something dark out of poems. I can say at the end that I liked it very much. It has this way of making you think but not pulling you down. You don't put in clear points so that the reader can make up his own mind, which I think is very good. The obvious isn't there and can only be seen when you read between the stanzas. You have a very great way of writing poetry, and I think with the variety you present here, this one stands out a lot.


Have fun with your writing!

Mailice.