Hi there
I really loved this short, but I have a few things to say about it. If it's a standalone chapter, you could've maybe developed the characters a bit more, I was confused since there were a lot. With Jax, Hazel, Zain, Sakura.. so many names and yet I know so little about each of them.
If this is the first chapter of a series, then it's alright as you can develop them further along, but in standalone shorts you should probably develop each character and give them more substance. So we actually feel something for them.
Maybe instead of jumping right into the action, we could've have a scene before as they look for the classroom, and we could learn a bit more from each character as they talk to each other ? Or maybe a flash back ? Your choice.
I also found one little bit a tad hard to read, and it's this part:
I cursed, and shouted back “OH SURE, ‘WASN’T GOING TO’, IT’S ALL ‘DON'T WORRY, JAX, IT’LL BE FINE, JAX, I DON’T NEED YOUR OPINION!’ WELL GUESS WHAT? I HAVE SOME COMMON SENSE TOO! I’M NOT STUPID, BUT YOU ALL ACT LIKE IT! I HAD A BAD FEELING ABOUT WALKING INTO THIS CLASSROOM WITHOUT A TEACHER, BUT YOU INSISTED, AND NOW YOU’RE HURT AND YOU COULD BECOME A VAMPIRE OR BLEED OUT!! DON’T YOU KNOW VAMPIRE SALIVA HAS SPECIAL COMPONENTS IN IT TO KEEP THE WOUND FROM CLOSING LONGER?? I TRIED HELPING BUT NOOOOO, ‘DON’T TOUCH ME, JAX’ IS ALL I GET!”
Maybe I'm the only one that found it hard to read, but the majuscules make it hard enough, but then there's the fact it's super long.
Instead of majuscules, you could've simply done this "I cursed and shouted back, "Oh sure ! (..)" basically, Change the full stops and some commas with "!". And we'd have understood that he's mad about the situation.
The little bit of exposition in his rant nearing the end was also unnecessary, the
DON’T YOU KNOW VAMPIRE SALIVA HAS SPECIAL COMPONENTS IN IT TO KEEP THE WOUND FROM CLOSING LONGER??
You could just cut that out, as you already said he could turn into a vampire and/or die.
Still, I really enjoyed your short and hope to see more of these characters and this setting <33
Points: 21503
Reviews: 137
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