Redeamed Chapter one 2.2

Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

May 13, 2021
Novel / Chapter: Action / Adventure, Realistic
3 comments (2 reviews)

Conscience was what all the agents had nicknamed Flynn. He was the guy in everyone comms during missions. He was also the only male in the facility and Madam Bavlias, son.

Most of his story was a mystery, as his mother seemed to know as much as he did. He was the result of a rapist at a bar. Which played into Madam Bavilas’ violent hate for men. The exception of her son.

Flynn was the most respectful young man Verena had ever encountered in all her 17 years.

Their main target, where mostly rapists, corrupt men. Though they weren’t told much information about their targets, other than a status or betraying habits.

Flynn trained had trained with Verena. While he may be the tech guys, madam wanted him to know everything the agents knew. Thought their training together had diminished since Flynn started working full time with the tech department.

She chuckled,” do you ever sleep, Flynn?”

“I could say the same about you.”

She flinched,” what, are you having horrible nightmares now too?”

Flynn clicked his tongue,” I struck a nerve, didn’t I.”

“A couple,” The assassin turned down another dim hall.

“Sorry, I was trying to cheer you up.”

“I think I’m in a permanent state of sleep-deprived grumpy.”

Verena stopped in front of a door and tapped the scanner placed at eye level.

“How much sleep have you gotten in the past 24 hours?” Flynn’s voice buzzed.

Verena paused as the sensor scanned her eyes. “Around two hours.”

Flynn coughed for a few seconds,” you couldn’t have waited until I didn’t have water in my mouth to tell me that? How are you functioning?!”

She touched another pad, where it scanned the DNA left by her finger,” coffee.”

Flynn coughed again,” I was drinking,” he sputtered.

The door slid open. Venera stepped into the training room.

Flynn recovered from his coughing,” training are we?”

“How’d you?”

“I’m tracking you.”

“Well, if you want to come to join me, I could use some target practice.”

Flynn’s chuckle carried over the comms, causing them to crack slightly.

When Madam Bavila had brought Verena in, she and Flynn had automatically stuck together.

She didn’t see him much as he was usually always stuck in the tech room, directing agents.

Verena was the only agent that Madam Bavlia let Flynn train with or be around.

They were as close as siblings, and fought just as much, though their fights were probably more advanced than most.

Verena figured that part of the reason that they were so close was that they both stood out. Flynn because he was the only male, and Verena because she was a fast learned, meaning that she’d advance faster than some of her classmates

The assassin grabbed a few knives from the wall of weapons.

She walked over to the target section for the training rooms and set the knives down on a table.

Verena shifted her feet apart and picked up a knife.

“Can I talk or?” Flynn’s voice buzzed in her ear.

“Yes,” she stared at the target.

Verena swung her arm and flicked her wrist.

The knife struck with a satisfying thunk.

“Knife throwing? I haven’t done that in a while.”

Something on Flynn’s side, buzzed,” gotta go, mission.”

Verena’s heart sunk every time she heard about a mission now.

“Have fun!” she tried to invoke a cheery tone in her voice.

But Flynn knew her better.

“You’ll be back out there in no time.”

The comm buzzed as he disconnected.

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Tue Jun 15, 2021 10:06 pm

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starlitmind wrote a review...

Hey there! I noticed this has been in the Green Room for a long time, so I decided to help nudge it out for you! ^_^ I haven't read any previous parts of this story, but I hope this can still be useful to you :)

Most of his story was a mystery, as his mother seemed to know as much as he did. He was the result of a rapist at a bar. Which played into Madam Bavilas’ violent hate for men. The exception of her son.

I feel that this introduction is a bit of information dumping -> you are already giving a lot of the protagonist's (I'm assuming) life story, but the story has just started. I think it wouldn't hurt to hold off this information for later, after we have met Flynn and get a good idea of what the setting and conflict is like ^_^

Flynn was the most respectful young man Verena had ever encountered in all her 17 years.

Their main target, where mostly rapists, corrupt men.

Ooh, this is interesting! Who is the "they," though, in "their main target"? Since the last people you mentioned was Flynn and Verena, is it their main target?

Flynn trained had trained with Verena.

I believed you meant to take out the first "trained" or "had trained" ^_^

She chuckled,” do you ever sleep, Flynn?”

“I could say the same about you.”

She flinched,” what, are you having horrible nightmares now too?”

Just some things to keep in mind about dialogue ^_^

- you capitalize the first word of the quote; like in the first two quotes, the first word ("do" and "what" need to be capitalized)

- if you don't have a dialogue tag, like "she said" or " he grumbled" or whatever, the quote ends in a period, not a comma. So the comma here (“A couple,” The assassin turned down another dim hall.) should be a period instead

She touched another pad, where it scanned the DNA left by her finger,” coffee.”

Haha, fair enough Verena xD
Here also, there is on dialogue tag, so you should have a period after "finger" and not a comma

Flynn recovered from his coughing,” training are we?”

“How’d you?”

“I’m tracking you.”

I'm a little confused by this dialogue exchange -> how did this situation lead her to suspect something? Weren't they just together, so why would he need to track her?

When Madam Bavila had brought Verena in, she and Flynn had automatically stuck together.

She didn’t see him much as he was usually always stuck in the tech room, directing agents.

Verena was the only agent that Madam Bavlia let Flynn train with or be around.

They were as close as siblings, and fought just as much, though their fights were probably more advanced than most.

I think all these sentences could be in the same paragraph. I don't really see the need to have all of these one sentence paragraphs ^_^

“You’ll be back out there in no time.”

The comm buzzed as he disconnected.

This sounds ominous >.> I hope all goes well...

I think this chapter is a bit confusing because it jumps around a lot. I'm not quite sure what exactly is going on; not because I haven't read the previous installments and don't know the plot, but I find the actions a little hard to keep up with. I think something that would help is to not section it off a lot. Right now, you have long dialogue sections and then description / background sections. I recommend mixing it up; instead of just having dialogue in a row, add some of that background there by connecting it to what people are saying.

In addition, I don't think it would hurt to have more descriptions and setting building! I can't really visualize the place the story is taking place in. I'm curious as to what the training room looks like, what the rooms look like that they are passing by, and just the overall setting. It's easier to feel more involved in a story when you can see it ^_^

AHH this seems pretty cool! I can tell that Flynn and Verena seem super close, especially with the background explanations. Also, when Verena was playing a cheery voice, Flynn knew it wasn't genuine because of how much he knows the real her. I think that's a lovely friendship between the two, and I hope they help each other get through the tough times that will probably come in this novel :p Also, Verena seems so relatable with her lack of sleep and coffee keeping her awake. I love her already haha xD

Anyways, that's all I got for you! I hope these comments prove useful to you. Keep on writing, I always love reading your stuff :)

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Fri May 14, 2021 8:51 am

KateHardy wrote a review...

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well....this is turning out to be quite a fun story here so far. Love the idea there behind this assassin agency....aaand yeah...these two characters seem like really good characters too.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Conscience was what all the agents had nicknamed Flynn. He was the guy in everyone comms during missions. He was also the only male in the facility and Madam Bavlias, son.

Very interesting nickname for someone in an assassin agency of some sort there...well..well.well.

Most of his story was a mystery, as his mother seemed to know as much as he did. He was the result of a rapist at a bar. Which played into Madam Bavilas’ violent hate for men. The exception of her son.

Well...that is very understandable.

Flynn was the most respectful young man Verena had ever encountered in all her 17 years.

Their main target, where mostly rapists, corrupt men. Though they weren’t told much information about their targets, other than a status or betraying habits.

Okay...well I am definitely on board with this agency's mantra. ~~Where can I sign up?~~

Flynn trained had trained with Verena. While he may be the tech guys, madam wanted him to know everything the agents knew. Thought their training together had diminished since Flynn started working full time with the tech department.

Seems like a responsible parent there....

She chuckled,” do you ever sleep, Flynn?”

“I could say the same about you.”

She flinched,” what, are you having horrible nightmares now too?”

Flynn clicked his tongue,” I struck a nerve, didn’t I.”

“A couple,” The assassin turned down another dim hall.

“Sorry, I was trying to cheer you up.”

Well...that's an unfortunate moment there...fun little bit of attempted banter though...you can tell these two definitely know each other well here as it should be I guess considering they trained together.

“I think I’m in a permanent state of sleep-deprived grumpy.”

Verena stopped in front of a door and tapped the scanner placed at eye level.

“How much sleep have you gotten in the past 24 hours?” Flynn’s voice buzzed.

Verena paused as the sensor scanned her eyes. “Around two hours.”

Well..that honestly is not terrible...8 hours in a week is bad, but two hours a day is pretty much what I get...

Flynn coughed for a few seconds,” you couldn’t have waited until I didn’t have water in my mouth to tell me that? How are you functioning?!”

She touched another pad, where it scanned the DNA left by her finger,” coffee.”

Flynn coughed again,” I was drinking,” he sputtered.

Well that's a fun little scene....this dialogue is definitely doing a great job showing how well they know each other here.

The door slid open. Venera stepped into the training room.

Flynn recovered from his coughing,” training are we?”

“How’d you?”

“I’m tracking you.”

Well...so he can just track them whenever he wants...makes sense I suppose if he's going to be running comms.

When Madam Bavila had brought Verena in, she and Flynn had automatically stuck together.

That much is abundantly clear from the conversation we've seen so far and it seems like a healthy little friendship there.

She didn’t see him much as he was usually always stuck in the tech room, directing agents.

Verena was the only agent that Madam Bavlia let Flynn train with or be around.

They were as close as siblings, and fought just as much, though their fights were probably more advanced than most.

Advanced assassin based sibling fights...well now that....that sounds like a scene that I definitely have to see...

Verena figured that part of the reason that they were so close was that they both stood out. Flynn because he was the only male, and Verena because she was a fast learned, meaning that she’d advance faster than some of her classmates

Hmm...well....fair enough there.

The assassin grabbed a few knives from the wall of weapons.

She walked over to the target section for the training rooms and set the knives down on a table.

Verena shifted her feet apart and picked up a knife.

Ooohh...a wall of weapons is always a definitely plus for me.

“Can I talk or?” Flynn’s voice buzzed in her ear.

“Yes,” she stared at the target.

Verena swung her arm and flicked her wrist.

The knife struck with a satisfying thunk.

“Knife throwing? I haven’t done that in a while.”

Hmm...knife throwing is definitely a very satisfying past time. ~~Do not ask me how I know that.~~

Something on Flynn’s side, buzzed,” gotta go, mission.”

Verena’s heart sunk every time she heard about a mission now.

“Have fun!” she tried to invoke a cheery tone in her voice.

But Flynn knew her better.

“You’ll be back out there in no time.”

The comm buzzed as he disconnected.

Ahh...well poor girl...well...another lovely ending there...definitely makes you want to read on, and that's exactly what I will do if I run into another chapter of this.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Well..this definitely seems like a nice little story. Loving all the characters we've met so far. Anyway...that's about all I've gotta say here.