Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Realistic

E - Everyone

numb

by MomoMajesty, MapleWay, Spearmint


I stumble

and fall

onto the cold

hard

ground

I cannot feel

myself

at all

                                             

The earth below me

is painted in

shades of gray and

I cannot see

any color

at all

                               

My mind is filled with questions.

What?

Why?

How?

I tumble backward,

my eyes filled with worry.

                                   

I weep

but cannot feel the tears

tracing their way

down my dirt laden cheeks

I wipe them away

but can't feel my sleeve

                                  

My sleeve

once soft but now just

worn and tattered

Why do I feel like

I'm fading too?

                      

I have never had such a close

connection to my sleeve.

"I'm sorry" I say.

"I'm sorry I don't appreciate

you as much as I should"

A breeze comes by,

causing the sleeve to wave.

And for the first time in awhile.

I start to smile.

                              

My sleeve

though tattered and ripped

is my only friend

in this numb

lonely world

No one else has been

such a constant in my life

It is always there

and it will never leave me

right?

                                     

I clutch my sleeve tighter

"Stay with me,

stay with me always,"

I whisper.

I trace the threads

of my sleeve

and I watch as

a hint of navy blue

fades into view.

                         

They look like kites.

Fluttering in the wind.

I have never seen something

so beautiful,

so wondrous,

so relatable.

                             

I cannot feel anything

but one emotion

Love

for the ones

close to me

that I will never see again.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
121 Reviews


Points: 21970
Reviews: 121

Donate
Mon Apr 12, 2021 8:30 am
View Likes
stygianmoon17 wrote a review...



hey there :D stygianmoon17 here for a review

Me seeing the title is numb: I've become so numbbbbb, I can't feel you there; become so tired, so much more aware-

haha lol you probably have no idea what this is about, but to anyone who got the reference, I LOVE YOU
Hum anyways.

-

For a poem that was written in collaboration with not one, not two, but THREE persons, this is really impressive. I never felt the switch between writers during my read of the poem, and it all flowed pretty nicely.

The feeling of numbness was very well conveyed throughout the imagery and feelings in the poem, there's just a tiny moment that kinda bugged me. See, in this,

I stumble

and fall

onto the cold

hard

ground

I cannot feel

myself

at all



The earth below me

is painted in

shades of gray and

I cannot see

any color

at all


the verses are short and concise. But when you skip a line, it's to signify a pause, whereas here there are way too many line skipping, which makes it cumbersome to read.
Thing is you change that right after these two stanzas, and instead of around three words per verse, there's at least a full sentence. Which makes the following much easier to read.

So maybe work on that if you're looking to polish this work, otherwise, easy read with tons of emotion behind- 10/10 <3333




MomoMajesty says...


Thanks for the review!



User avatar


Points: 133
Reviews: 4

Donate
Mon Apr 12, 2021 7:55 am
View Likes
KWN wrote a review...



Hello!

That was very good I really liked it. it was very smooth how you make this sleeve the door between love and sadness.

Its very good at the part where you say the sleeve is always with you and you don't appreciate enough as you should which is really true.

I love how you describe it by saying you start seeing hints of blue but not any blue specifically navy blue, and how you make the reader imagine navy blue kites and how you tie that into your ending.

I also really love how it ends its just like the end of a song when your satisfied and its that point where the reader is saying that was a nice ride a smooth and slow ride.

That's all from me have a good day and hope you keep on writing.
The start of the poem is also good as you describe how hopeless your feeling and that your just feeling so down at the moment and just how you described was super well done.

Well that's all from me have a good day and keep on writing. 😁😀😁




MomoMajesty says...


Thanks for the review!



User avatar
59 Reviews


Points: 688
Reviews: 59

Donate
Mon Apr 12, 2021 5:02 am
View Likes
NivedaJames22 wrote a review...



Hey!

First of all, lemme just say, wow! I think its amazing how you pulled off the transition from depressed to hopeful. A lot of people mess tend to mess up those mood changes in poems, but the transition in numb was smother than a baby's cheek.

I loved how you describe the sleeve as the only person you can trust and stuff, because its literally the one that wipes away your tears. That was beautiful.

I really liked how you end, almost like you're trying to say that even thought the whole world seems black right now, there's light at the end of the tunnel.

I really like how you say that the narrator smiles at the sleeve. That single lined conveys so much of deep feeling.

I really loved this line:

No one else has been

such a constant in my life

It is always there

and it will never leave me

right?

I like how it expresses doubt at the end, how despite everything, you still don't believe that the sleeve will always stick by you, because everyone you love has always left.

On the whole, I loved this poem, and I don't see anything that could possibly make it better. Can't wait to read more of your work. <3
Keep writing.




MomoMajesty says...


Thanks for the review!



User avatar
14 Reviews


Points: 27
Reviews: 14

Donate
Sun Apr 11, 2021 11:00 pm
View Likes
WishIHadASword wrote a review...



Hello, how are you all doing? I hope everything's going well for you wherever you are! I'm here today because I really want you to know how much I love this beautiful poem! I'm definitely no review wizard, but I'll be happy to tell you guys my thoughts!

This is a wonderful poem with so much emotion and feeling behind it. The work you guys put into it definitely paid off. The title "numb" perfectly described what's going on in the poem. The poem says things like "I weep but cannot feel the tears" or "Why do I feel like I'm fading too," and that really emphasizes that numb feeling. Or unfeeling, I guess haha.

I absolutely love the part when the sleeve "waves" and the character smiles for the first time in a while. That is so adorable and wholesome and happy--I just love it! The first half of the poem is all about numbness, and the second half is the happier half. The character says they feel nothing but love and says how amazing and beautiful things are. And finally, the last few lines really hit hard and were very impactful, so awesome job with that!

I'll end this how I usually do, with a message of my overall thoughts! This was so sweet and I love how the poem progressed! The writing is beautiful and it's so well written too, this is amazing! Fantastic job!

Keep up the amazing work ya'll!




MomoMajesty says...


Thanks for the review!!




Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient premises.
— Samuel Butler