z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

These Long Five Nights (Chapter 1 - Shifts)

by TrulyDeviousAngel


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Chapter 1 - Shifts

Michael woke up to the sound of his alarm clock ringing. It was 7:15 AM, and he had to get ready for work. He groaned, rolling out of his bed and shutting off the alarm. He walked into his bathroom, hopping in the shower for a few minutes. While he was in there, he thought for a bit. He wasn’t really being paid enough at his jo b with his day shift. He was only being paid $4.25 an hour, minimum wage. He worked from 8:00 AM to 6:00 PM, meaning he made $42.50 a day, and $297.50 a week. A total month, which would be $1,190, was just enough to pay bills and buy food, but that was it.

Sighing, he hopped out of the shower, getting dressed in his uniform. It was a light grey uniform shirt, with black dress pants. He had a badge, signaling the fact that was the guard at Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria. There was a hat, too, but he wasn’t required to wear it, so he decided against it. He brushed his short, poofy hair out. As he walked back into his room, he glanced at his Foxy mask. He remembered that thing… A few years ago, he used to wear it all the time. He used to scare his little brother with it… Until one day, he took it too far. He shuddered at the thought.

Walking out of his bedroom, he went into the kitchen and made himself a cup of coffee. He was always exhausted when he worked, and coffee was the only thing keeping him awake. After chugging an entire cup of coffee, he washed the mug and put it back up in the cabinet. It was sad how empty these cabinets were. They were filled with one or two of each thing; Plates, bowls, cups, mugs, and containers. He had to frequently wash them because he had so few. He sighed, shaking his head. He was so poor, and he couldn’t do anything about it.

After getting completely ready, and getting the bad thoughts out of his head the best he could, Mike walked out the door. He didn’t have a car, so thankfully, the pizzeria was only about a 10-15 minute walk. He mumbles quietly as he strolled down the sidewalk. He was trying to figure out how to ask for a raise, without seeming like he was really poor. Kicking up some rocks on the way, he continued to think. He thought about buying his boss something and then asking, but it would seem like bribery.

He even thought about maybe just begging, but that would definitely make it seem like he was poor. Even though he was actually poor, he didn’t like to admit it to other people. It makes him feel weak. He shook his head. He might just have to straight-up ask for a raise, just like that. Hopefully, his boss said yes to him, otherwise, he just might not be able to pay the bills for this month. He cringed at the thought of being turned down.

Arriving at the pizzeria, Mike stared at the sign in the front. It was Freddy, Bonnie, and Chica, with big bold letters underneath reading “Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza”. After staring at the sign for a while, he walked over to the doors, opening them and walking inside the pizzeria.

Glancing at the time, 7:37 AM, Mike walked over to the manager’s office, walking around all the tables and the stage. While, yes, his father did own the company, since he got arrested, there was a new manager for a while. Mike wasn’t old enough to be the manager quite yet, nor was he skilled enough to be.

He opened the manager’s door, smiling as bright as he could, and said, “Good morning, boss!”

“Morning, Michael.”, The manager nodded at him, keeping a straight face. Mike gulped, walking up to his boss’s desk, and sits in the chair.

“So, uhm… I assume I should get to the point?”

“Yes. I don’t have all day, I have paperwork to do.”

“Yeah, uh… I was just wondering. I’ve been doing good at work lately, and I was thinking… Could I have a raise?”

The manager thought for a moment, “If you’re looking for more money, no, I cannot give you a raise. However, I can let you take over the night shift and the day shift.”

Mike’s eyes widened, “How long does the night shift last?”

“From 12:00 AM to 6:00 AM.”

Mike thought for a moment. If he took the night shift as well, then he would only have 2 hours before the morning shift to himself, and six hours in between the shifts. He nodded, looking up at the manager, “I’ll do it.”

The manager nodded, “You start tonight.”

Mike’s face beamed, and he jumped up from his chair. He hopped out of the manager’s office, smiling. If he combines both shifts, that’s two times the money he was earning before! So, now, he won’t have to worry about bills and such as much as he was before. And now, he could buy more things he needs other than food. He had been using cheap hair and body products for his showers, and they didn’t make him feel great, so he was excited to get some better ones.

Once he had enough experience, Mike would take over the pizzeria, and become the new manager, making more money than ever. He really could not wait until the day that happened. Don’t get him wrong, he doesn’t hate his boss, but he really could use the salary of a manager.

Honestly, Mike’s life had been horrible so far. His entire family was now dead. Could life get any worse? Well, so far it has gotten better, but it wasn’t great. He was living on his own now, which he has wanted ever since his brother died. His father was always angry at him since that day. Since he accidentally killed his brother…

Shaking away the thought, he walked around the pizzeria, waiting for it to be open. Mike glanced at the time. It was now 7:54. He sighed, sitting down in his seat, waiting for the children to come pouring into the pizzeria.

After a few minutes of waiting, it finally opened. Mike smiled as all the happy kids ran into the building, laughing and running up to get pizza and to see the animatronics. He was sitting and watching when he noticed one kid was getting too close to the animatronics, “Hey, kiddo, back away from Freddy, okay?”

When the kid wouldn’t listen, Mike got up and grabbed his arm, “I said to back away from Freddy, kiddo.”, The kid cried and started throwing a fit, punching Mike in the arm multiple times. He sighed, pulling the kid to his mother, “Please tell your son to stay away from the animatronics.”

The mother nodded and started lecturing her son, who was still throwing a fit. Mike walked away from the situation, going to sit back in his chair. As he began to sit down, his manager called him to his office.

“Michael,” He started, “Are you sure you want to take the night shift?”

“Of course! I need- Err… Want the money. More money could be helpful.”

“Well, okay… But, are you sure it won’t be too much trouble?”

“Yes, of course, I’ll be fine!”

“Make sure in between you take naps.”

“I will, I promise, boss.”

“Alright… Well, Mike, that’s all I needed. Get back to work.”

Michael nodded, smiling, “Thank you, boss.” 

Chapter 2 Coming Soon!


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
49 Reviews


Points: 661
Reviews: 49

Donate
Tue Apr 13, 2021 3:36 pm
Otterpop wrote a review...



Fanfiction isn't typically my thing, but I can never say no to FNaF! You clearly are a fan to get a bunch of the little details from the canon, such as the wage and bits of background information.


Something I definitely noticed was you explicitly stating information:

.....It was sad how empty these cabinets were. They were filled with one or two of each thing; Plates, bowls, cups, mugs, and containers. He had to frequently wash them because he had so few. He sighed, shaking his head. He was so poor, and he couldn’t do anything about it................He was trying to figure out how to ask for a raise, without seeming like he was really poor.....


The sentences related to him being poor are actually unnecessary since you seem to paint a pretty strong picture that he isn't exactly swimming with money right now. It's a good thing to get your readers to themselves infer information instead of stating everything outright. It sometimes takes the mystery out of your story, and readers having an "aha!" moment as their putting pieces together makes it worth giving only a little information instead of all of it. An idea called "show, don't tell" is definitely something I had trouble with when I was in the early writing stages of my works, so I always like to point it out to others if I can!


You might also want to be careful about the tense and POV of your words; you seem to want to stick with the third-person point-of-view, but lines like this make it a slight bit confusing

....He really could not wait until the day that happened. Don’t get him wrong, he doesn’t hate his boss, but he really could use the salary of a manager....


The second sentence is not structured in third-person POV like the rest of the story, and this brief disconnect will really pull a reader out and confuse them for a moment, which you want to lessen as much as possible!


One last little nitpick! This is not necessary, but I think it would be more effective to reveal his name as Michael later in the chapter (or even at the end) rather than right at the beginning. It can be tricky to pull off but it is absolutely possible! It would be more effective to a reader as a form of intrigue and mystery, especially to those familiar with the FNaF canon.


So yeah! Show don't tell, watch your POV wordage, and make sure to keep things intriguing! Sorry if this was a lot, but I hope some of it helps!






Alright, thank you! I'll work on it as much as I can.



User avatar
12 Reviews


Points: 567
Reviews: 12

Donate
Tue Apr 06, 2021 6:38 pm
SageOctober wrote a review...



First off, you have a really good set up here. It's not too obvious what's going to happen, but I'm pretty sure that nothing good is going to happen during that night shift. Also, animatronics are really creepy on their own.
The only thing that I caught was in the last exchange between Michael and his boss. I think you just missed putting each piece of dialogue on its own line, like
"Make sure in between you take naps.""I will, I promise boss."
In that line, it should be:
"Make sure in between you take naps."
"I will, I promise, boss."
Probably just a small error, and it's really easy to fix. your spelling and grammar are really good.
I can't wait to read chapter 2!




King15Mori says...


I love FNAF this just made me so happy.





Ah, sorry! I missed that. I have actually been doing this in a google document, and I just copy and pasted... Must have been an error. Thanks for letting me know!




I want to see people turn and writhe; make them feel things they cannot see and sometimes do not know.
— Anna Held