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Project Oblivious - Ch 2

by Book_Dragon


Chapter 2 - Josh

First, all I see is black. Then, stars. Then, her.

She has dark, curly, shoulder length hair that hides her face. As we both straighten up, I can see she is wearing loose jeans and a big grey sweater, even though it's 90 degrees outside. Hiding clothes, if I've ever seen them. My little sister Eliza would agree.

I stand there awkwardly before I realize it's my turn to say something.

"Christopher Columbus?" I ask, saying the first thing that pops into my mind. The girl looks up.

Oh, god. She's insanely pretty. I feel my face burn.

"Um… right," she says. "It's stupid. Really stupid, and kind of embarrassing.” She takes a breath and shrugs. “It’s from Little Women. Jo says it sometimes. It’s a synonym for either 'oh my gosh' or 'wow,' I think. I started saying it ironically, but now it comes out on its own.”

Wow, that’s cute. “At least it’s something good,” I say. “My friend Amanda says ‘let’s get this bread’ way more than any human being ever should.” I half grin, half cringe.

“I can guarantee you that my friend says that more than yours,” the girl says, turning towards the bookshelf.

“Christopher Columbus, really?!” I widen my eyes. “I don’t think that’s possible!”

“Please no.” The girl crinkles her nose.

“Just wanted to see what it was like,” I say, scanning the bottom shelf. Amanda quotes vines like nobody’s business, and I devour YA romance novels in single sittings.

We are very different, but we make it work.

“Was this the book you were trying to get before we almost killed each other?” I ask, holding up something called Catching Jordan. The same book I tried to grab, coincidentally.

“Yes, actually,” the girl says. “Um, are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. And it was my fault too, you know. Here.” I hold out the book.

She doesn’t take it. “You were reaching for it too, weren’t you?”

“Eh. Any of these will do,” I say, gesturing toward the shelf in front of us. Seriously. I don’t even know what this book is about yet. We smashed heads before I could even pick it up.

“I’ve actually already read the book,” she says. “I was going to reread it, but I don’t have to.”

“Really?” I say, raising one eyebrow. Well, trying to raise one eyebrow. I’ve never really mastered it.

“Yes, really,” the girl says. Someone coughs nearby and she flinches, looking down. “It was pretty good,” she says softly. “If slightly confusing. If they got rid of the football and replaced it with orchestra or something, it could go on my list of favorites.”

“Football?” I say, turning the book over. Unfortunately, the synopsis is covered by the library sticker. “Ew. No thanks. Please take the book.”

Someone coughs again, and the girl hunches over, crossing her arms over her chest.

“At least tell me what it’s about,” I say. “The sticker is covering the back.”

The girl sighs and starts talking. At first, she is stiff, her arms crossed and her eyes flat. Soon she seems to warm up, talking more animatedly, uncrossing her arms and moving her hands. Then, her eyes light up as she describes what must be her favorite part. She’s grinning and wow, this stranger is the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.

I don’t hear a word of her explanation.

Someone coughs one more time and the girl inhales sharply. “I have to go.”

Her footsteps are impossibly quiet as she walks away.

For once, I leave the library with only one book. 


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Sun May 09, 2021 9:27 am
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Book_Dragon,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

I really like the way you change the chapter, and that we now experience the story from the boy's point of view. I also like that it's not a direct copy, of Katrina's point of view, and that they are similar inside, which would make the comments seem the same in general.
Through reading the chapter, I noticed that Josh is a bit similar to Katrina, but he has different thought processes. This is definitely a plus point I'd like to note here, as it's not always the case that you can distinguish who the narrator is, especially in longer novellas where perspectives are regularly switched.

Hiding clothes, if I've ever seen them.


I would put the "Hiding clothes" in italic, as it is a train of thought from Josh.

Oh, god.


Here I would also put it in italic. Maybe the next sentence too, as it seems to me that the two sentences belong together.

"Um... right," she says. "It's stupid. Really stupid, and kind of embarrassing." She takes a breath and shrugs. "It's from Little Women. Jo says it sometimes. It's a synonym for either 'oh my gosh' or 'wow,' I think. I started saying it ironically, but now it comes out on its own."
Wow, that's cute. "At least it's something good," I say. "My friend Amanda says 'let's get this bread' way more than any human being ever should." I half grin, half cringe.


The structure of the dialogue is a bit confusing. I would split it up in such a way that after each dialogue a new line is taken where the necessary commentary is then inserted before it goes into the next line again and so on... This way it seems a bit stifling and you can't directly follow the spoken text like that.

"I can guarantee you that my friend says that more than yours," the girl says, turning towards the bookshelf.


I assume that "my friend" here refers to Jo. Since the previous section talks about it being from a book, I don't know to what extent it is correct for Katrina to refer to Jo as my friend. Otherwise, of course, it could be an expression of her character, but it seems a bit misplaced here, since no real hints were made in the previous chapter about how she feels about fictional characters from a novel.

The girl sighs and starts talking. At first, she is stiff, her arms crossed and her eyes flat. Soon she seems to warm up, talking more animatedly, uncrossing her arms and moving her hands. Then, her eyes light up as she describes what must be her favorite part. She's grinning and wow, this stranger is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.


I like how you describe here how Katrina opens up more when she talks about a subject she likes very much. It gives her a bit of that introverted perspective.

I like the chapter. It has some very funny moments, especially in the dialogue and I also like, as mentioned before, that Josh is different, like Katrina and you've managed that well.
You've also attempted more dialogue here, which I like, and am excited to see how the following chapter goes back to Katrina.

Have fun with the writing!

Mailice.




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Mon Apr 05, 2021 4:29 am
NivedaJames22 says...



Hey!

Nice opening, especially the first sentence,

Josh seems adorable in a slightly awkward, self-depreciating kind of way.

Really loved this line:
“Really?” I say, raising one eyebrow. Well, trying to raise one eyebrow. I’ve never really mastered it.

Also, could you please verify what "vines" is? I didn't get that reference.
Amanda quotes vines like nobody’s business, and I devour YA romance novels in single sittings.

On the whole, sounds great.
Can't wait for the rest.




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Sun Apr 04, 2021 11:05 am
IsProcrastinator wrote a review...



Hello, IsProcrastinator here for the review!

First of all, nice opening sentence :) they must have bumped heads real hard.

First, all I see is black. Then, stars. Then, her.


Josh seems pretty likable and relatable and I loved how easily their conversations flowed after the initial (cute) awkwardness. I also liked how you mention her eyes lighting up as she talks about the book, and how Josh notices it. They're gonna be so adorable together. This part was hilarious :

“Really?” I say, raising one eyebrow. Well, trying to raise one eyebrow. I’ve never really mastered it.


It'd be nice if you could describe their surroundings more. I like how you describe the characters, so it would be great if you describe the environment more, helps to visualize the setting. One question I have is that, what does the noise of someone coughing in the background have to do with her? She seems uneased by it. Is it simply because she's an introvert and is uncomfortable in the presence of many people? Or is there more to that cough?

Someone coughs one more time and the girl inhales sharply. “I have to go.”


I think there's a mystery here... hmmm. Guess we'll find out as the story progresses :)

All in all, I really liked it! The way you describe characters, the way Josh's point of view is distinct from hers in the previous chapter and the dialogues. Looking forward see more of this story!

Happy writing!




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Sun Apr 04, 2021 5:52 am
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hello!! Here for a review.

First, all I see is black. Then, stars. Then, her.

She has dark, curly, shoulder length hair that hides her face. As we both straighten up, I can see she is wearing loose jeans and a big grey sweater, even though it's 90 degrees outside. Hiding clothes, if I've ever seen them. My little sister Eliza would agree.

I think u should specify that farenheit after the 90 degree. That makes more sense. Then, I couldn't understand what do u mean by that hiding clothes and the rest after it. Please clear it a bit more.
"Um… right," she says. "It's stupid. Really stupid, and kind of embarrassing.” She takes a breath and shrugs. “It’s from Little Women. Jo says it sometimes. It’s a synonym for either 'oh my gosh' or 'wow,' I think. I started saying it ironically, but now it comes out on its own.”

Hmm...what happened before it? Where's the setting?
I half grin, half cringe.

This is not a good way of describing. You could describe it as you couldn't understand whether to grin or cringe. And as a result your face was in between them.

The rest of it was very good.

Overall:
It was very good. I liked the way how u introduce all the people in the story. One thing I have to suggest is pls change the very first line. Although it's intriguing, but the stars don't fit with the rest. One more thing I liked is that ‘Christopher Colombus’. I guess it's something u always say. I suggest u to run the whole story through any grammar-checking software or website. Grammarly is a good one. U have tiny bits of grammar mistakes. I am a fan of your descriptions. Could u provide a bit description if yours? The reader also requires that. As a first draft, it is really good.

Keep writing!!

~Forever





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