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connecting the dots

by SilverNight



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Fri Feb 26, 2021 6:41 pm
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LilPWilly says...



Wow. “Like my hand slipped while connecting the dots.”
The depth and simplicity of this poem are fantastic, and of course the drawing tying the metaphor together visually makes it all seem more real somehow.




SilverNight says...


Thank you! :)



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Thu Feb 25, 2021 2:39 am
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MapleWay wrote a review...



Hey! Maple Way here with a quick review!

This was a very unique and creative poem! I haven't seen any others like it! The picture makes it more interesting than an average poem. Something else I liked was the multiple-colored texts. Though the blue was a bit difficult to read at times I wouldn't have even minded more colors. I also thought it was cool that the picture almost looked like a shooting star! I think it would be awesome if you were to do more of these. It is such a great way to display a poem and I would definitely read more! Also congrats on making the literary spotlight!




SilverNight says...


Thanks for the feedback! <3 I have zero art skills, so I hope the drawing was good enough for this. :P



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Wed Feb 24, 2021 2:19 am
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whatchamacallit wrote a review...



Hi there SilverNight! This poem is so so creative and such a cool concept that I absolutely had to stop by with a review for you ^^

I actually really like how messy and scattered and confusing to read this is; I like how the form echoes the literal meaning of the poem. I think the star's a cute touch too c: Overall, I feel like the visual elements of this poem are really strong. I enjoyed how you used both black and blue for the text - it adds some interest to the poem, and is also reminiscent of black and blue pen ink (-> this could even be interpreted as the narrator has to keep switching pens because the ink is low! Perhaps and slight stretch and not what you intended but it definitely works in the context of this poem!)

One thought I did have about the text colour would be it'd be cool if the two different text colours could form separate streams of thought / poems within the poem as a whole? This is already almost happening in some parts, for example:

i do not dream up masterpieces / i can't create a rainbow out of empty white
^both are in black text, and while they are not in consecutive order in the poem, they still can make sense together.
Similarly:
i am not an artist / that lost their graph somewhere along the way.


This might be a bit tricky to execute, but if you were interested in trying it out, I think it could have a really neat effect! One (admittedly rough and slapdash) way you could alter some of the blue couplets to work together would be:
the lines don't make sense, / and I can't see the world in the colors I want. / and by the time I set my pencil down, / i will have lost my graph somewhere along the way.
(These should all work with the existing black lines; to be grammatically correct you'd just have to end the starting black line in a semicolon or something.) I'm sure you could come up with something a thousand times better than that - and anyway it's definitely not necessary, just something to consider if the idea piques your interest! :)

Random note while we're talking about the couplet "and when i set / down my pencil" -> referring back to my earlier comment about ink, I think it might make more sense to say "pen" here? I just think it'd make sense for the medium to match the medium that the poem is "written" in. But that's definitely an incredibly minor nitpick!

ALSO also, while we're talking about continuity between detached lines, random through re: first + last lines:
right now, we have "my life is a mess of scattered points, / the last dot leads to nowhere".
I think it'd be really lovely if they could be read together (especially since you have them both bolded), something like "my life is a mess of scattered points, and / the last dot leads to nowhere". In order for this to make sense with the rest of the poem, you'd just have to take out "where" from the second line ("the lines don't make sense").
Again, a very small point haha! But it came into my head so I thought I might as well mention it ^^

A couple other stylistic / poetic choices I loved:
-> lowercase aesthetic! especially your choice to use a lowercase "i"; that conveys the narrator's uncertainty and self-doubt really well.
-> repetition of negative phrases ("i don't", "i am not", "i do not", "i can't", etc.) Pretty self-explanatory - they set a consistent mood and show the narrator's tone and feelings nicely.
-> consistent imagery with graphing, points, and stars/shapes. Despite the poem looking quite disjointed visually, the connected imagery makes it fairly smooth to read & understand!

Overall, this is SUCH a cool concept and you executed it really well! I'm sorry I don't have very much constructive criticism for you, but I honestly just really enjoyed reading the poem :) I hope this review is useful, and if you have any questions about anything I brought up feel free to ask <3

Keep writing!

whatcha




SilverNight says...


ahhhhhhhhh, whatcha! You are such a wonderful reviewer (and an amazing GM)! :)

I enjoyed how you used both black and blue for the text - it adds some interest to the poem, and is also reminiscent of black and blue pen ink (-> this could even be interpreted as the narrator has to keep switching pens because the ink is low! Perhaps and slight stretch and not what you intended but it definitely works in the context of this poem!)


I love the way you interpreted that! Before, the text was in the same color as the gold pen drawing, but then I switched it to black so it'd be easier to read, and then to black and blue, so that it felt more like a night sky backdrop, as well as an alternating pattern to make it easier to follow along. But that's a really neat thought and I like it! ^_^

One thought I did have about the text colour would be it'd be cool if the two different text colours could form separate streams of thought / poems within the poem as a whole?


Oh my goodness, that's such a creative idea!! If I revise this sometime later, I will definitely take that into account. c:

Random note while we're talking about the couplet "and when i set / down my pencil" -> referring back to my earlier comment about ink, I think it might make more sense to say "pen" here? I just think it'd make sense for the medium to match the medium that the poem is "written" in. But that's definitely an incredibly minor nitpick!


I'll admit, at the time I wrote this, I wasn't sure whether to write "pencil" or "pen", so this is helpful!

ALSO also, while we're talking about continuity between detached lines, random through re: first last lines:
right now, we have "my life is a mess of scattered points, / the last dot leads to nowhere".
I think it'd be really lovely if they could be read together (especially since you have them both bolded), something like "my life is a mess of scattered points, and / the last dot leads to nowhere". In order for this to make sense with the rest of the poem, you'd just have to take out "where" from the second line ("the lines don't make sense").
Again, a very small point haha! But it came into my head so I thought I might as well mention it ^^


well this is brilliant
I originally bolded them just so it'd be a little easier to find the beginning and the end for reading it, but that's a great point! I love all of this!

Overall, this is SUCH a cool concept and you executed it really well! I'm sorry I don't have very much constructive criticism for you, but I honestly just really enjoyed reading the poem :) I hope this review is useful, and if you have any questions about anything I brought up feel free to ask <3


You've got some really great poetry feedback! Thank you so much for everything, I'm so glad you enjoyed it :) And once again, congrats on getting even moldier, whatcha! <3



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Tue Feb 23, 2021 7:49 pm
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CaptainJack wrote a review...



Hey there silvernight. Whenever I see people messing around with creative formats for poetry, I have to drop by and see what they have going on.

I don't have much criticism for the content of your poem and instead I have some recommendations for the formatting, as someone who has a lot of experience with creative formatting. I'm guessing that you created this in something like microsoft powerpoint but I'm going to recommend that you combine different types of smart art. The freestyle drawing that you to connect the dots leads to it looking sloppy and it also doesn't show up very well against the background of the publishing center. Having cleaner connections between each of your points would allow for a better presentation and it would also be easier for readers to consume your content. So just shoot me a message if you want any sort of assistance with that.

My main criticism for the content of your poem is how the line work is affecting the actual literary component. All of the bouncing around in your formatting is somewhat distracting from what's going on in this poem. I like the inclusion of the star but starting with a need to read from essentially right to left is an immediate trip up to the reader. Perhaps the first line is hitting the nail on the head about all that is going on here. Because even aside from the formatting, this poem seems to be very scattered in thought.

Which is something that I would recommend avoiding. I know that your topic is addressing what all is going on with your thoughts and feelings and memories, but I think making the audience feel scattered is going to be working against you. I have to wonder what you did first - write the poem or create the way that you were going to format the poem. Writing the poem down first, taking out all the color and creative organizing, is where I think you should proceed from here to see if it's strong on its own.

Let's take a look at the last section for instance.

i never know what i've created
until all dots are joined by thin lines
like bridges between two worlds
that should never have been connected.
but every time i try again,
the last dot leads to nowhere.


It's a bit wordy. It feels like you're trying to fill out the space made by your design rather than really stitching the different thoughts together. The only thing I really know by the very end of this poem is that the speaker is very confused about what their purpose is, within this poem and about their life in general. I think that this is your strongest section because it does manage to come to this final conclusion that you've been hinting at from the very beginning.

That strength just needs to be apparent in all of the content before you start mapping out constellations. That's where I would recommend your analysis for a second draft.

Good job so far.
Happy February.
- Jack




SilverNight says...


Thank you for the advice!



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Tue Feb 23, 2021 4:44 pm
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hannah0528 wrote a review...



Hi Shadow! Hannah here for a quick review. I don't really know how too, but I will try my best!

Grows:
Not really any improvements, this was so cool!
Glows:
How did you do this? Not only was the poem good, the connect the dots thing was really cool! I want to be able to do stuff like this. The poem was really good too! I feel like it was relevant to the shapes the connect the dots made. You really thought this through! I hope to see more like this from you.
Have a great day, and keep writing and drawing awesome things like this!


Hannah




SilverNight says...


Thank you for your review! :)

The "i am not an artist" line is 100% true, so it was hard to come up with what to draw for this. I literally just drew straight lines and dots and realized "oh wait, this could be a shooting star." So yeah, how that happened is actually really fitting for the poem's content because the drawing was really random. :P

I hope you have a great day! <3



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Tue Feb 23, 2021 3:05 pm
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starlitmind says...



SHADOW WHAT IN THE WORLD THIS IS SO COOL OMG???!!!!?!?!?!?!?!

I love this so much <3




SilverNight says...


AHHHHHHHH SO GLAD YOU LIKE IT! <3 :)




I don't do time.
— Liberty