Heya Harry! Otterpop here with a quick review! As I was reading this I really couldn't find anything major to talk about, so I'll just bring up some quick nitpicks and comments on certain paragraphs/sections:
The heck is this guy looking for on that stupid thing. It has no identifying marks on it.
I think there's supposed to be a question mark at the end of the first sentence?
She bit back a retort and nodded.
“I want you to get this opened and get started on the key and the door. I believe the team has uncovered some promising leads that could lead us straight to the door. Which one you pursue first is entirely up to you but they must both be done.”
“What about the other case?” asked Evelyn, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible.
You may want to clarify for the paragraph of dialogue that Stevenson is talking, because I was under the impression that Evelyn had spoken until I read further.
“No buts, leave now and get started. I don’t like to have to repeat myself,” he said, voice low and deliberate.
Evelyn nodded and grabbed the case off the desk, striding out, head held high. She marched towards the room where the research for the door was taking place. Guess I’ll see what those morons have dug up and then decide.
I am a little surprised that we didn't go into a little internal dialogue or emotion on Evelyn's part before the story sort of moved on. More specifically, given what we know about Evelyn so far I'm surprised she wasn't complaining a little after Stevenson basically told her off. Granted, I know she is somewhat unable to retort outwardly due to what I assume is a seniority gap between them, but I would have liked to see a little more of her frustrations and irritations as she left his office.
She was broken out of her reverie as she arrived at the doors. She stepped inside.
Somewhat of a personal gripe but in these short two sentences you use the word 'she' three times. You might be able to reword this to use a pronoun only once or twice; using it 3 times seems a little excessive for only two very short sentences in the same paragraph.
“Thank you,” Evelyn said,” now we can get started on this. Everybody else; go back to you stations and keep working. I don’t believe that we will need anybody else for this.”
The third quotation mark is in the wrong place, and I believe the dialogue is meant to say "...go back to your stations..."
“I need this to happen now,” she demanded,” how can it possibly take so long to figure out?”
“That is the nature of a diagnostic,” the man replied, voice remarkably steady in the face of Evelyn’s obviously rising anger.
Oooh, this is interesting. Evelyn's personality is pretty obvious to both the other characters in the story as well as the readers. The fact that this man is quite calm despite her apparent impatience is very interesting. Either he is a kind of character that doesn't really take a lot of crap from others, or he has a remarkably resilient personality and can keep calm/steady even in the face of fear. Pairing him with Evelyn even for a short time makes him an interesting character regardless of what his personality is, but this reaction is a little telling and that's pretty fascinating.
Again, just a bunch of little things! Hope some of this helped, and have a great rest of your day!
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