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The Artisan (Chapter One)

by dancingontheclouds


Aria hummed to her song, Into the Unknown, as she painted the wall of the alleyway behind Rigio’s Pizza and Junk. The wall had practically called to her. It could have been her song but that was boring. Her bottle held all the colors of the rainbow, and then some. She didn’t know how; only that it did. Squished under her chunky white sneakers colored with characters from her imagination was a wanted poster for her family.

It read:

For generations, the Kirna Family has colored the city. They graffiti all they can find with gruesome images of blood, death and destruction. They must be stopped. You can help! Keep your eye out for evidence of these violations of property. You will be rewarded!

~Signed, Sir Ollection, Son of Sons, King of Rallamon.

Aria squished it further. Why do they hate us? she thought. Can’t we just get along? She sighed. The noise of the spray calmed her, even through her music. Unknown ended with Idina screaming, INTO THE UNKNOOOOOWWWWNNN!! Aria mouthed the words with her, swerving her can to make a sharp edge. Nicknackatory came on next, and Aria grinned, switching to blue.

She heard Rigio’s wide feet slapping on the pavement, flashes of a sickly yellow. She winced and put her can in her hoodie pocket. She walked quickly to the...one...way...out.

Oh man.

"I thought I heard spray paint back here!" Rigio's yellow-green voice yelled. "Why do you like making my place ugly, huh?"

Aria yanked her earbuds out, the thin blue trail following it. "It is ART, Chunky. Why do you like insulting my ART?"

Rigio/Chunky cracked his knuckles. "Get out of here, Leonardo, before I pound you."

Aria smirked for a split second. "Leonardo de Vinci was an amazing artist. That's a compliment. Not that you would know." she walked past him, her sneakers colorless. That was why she wore them.

"Don't you come back, you hear me?" the yellow came again. Aria ignored him, but walked up to his front door, and taking out her can, she sprayed the front of the door with her family's symbol, something only her relatives would understand.

"HEY! GET AWAY FROM THAT!!"

Oop. She better run.

So she did.


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Sat Sep 18, 2021 4:36 pm
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RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hey Momo!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

This was a really great first chapter. It introduced us to the world of your character and it gave us a glimpse of her life. I really liked the artistic side of this story and the mention of various colors really added a very vibrant tone to the story.

Squished under her chunky white sneakers colored with characters from her imagination was a wanted poster for her family.

Aria's thoughts made it a little confusing for me - I could not understand if the accusations against her family were real or something she made up in her mind. She seems to be the kind of person who lets her imagination run wild, however, this aspect of her character makes her all the more intriguing to the readers and it really makes me wonder about who she actually is. Because, although this is only the first chapter, I don't think we really get to know that here.

She heard Rigio’s wide feet slapping on the pavement, flashes of a sickly yellow.

There are a lot of instances in the chapter where she refers to colors to describe voices, footseps and other things. Like the 'flashes of sickly yellow' here. I feel as if these phrases are there to tell us something about the character, but I can't get my finger on it and am simply confused. Maybe you could clarify that for me?

Overall, you have got a really unique story here. The dialoge was very strong and the characters, though not completely fleshed out, are very intetesting in their own ways. It's a really great start to a story!

Keep writing and have a great day!






Thanks for the review! :)



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Sun Feb 07, 2021 7:19 pm
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Charm wrote a review...



Hey Momo!

Thanks for asking me to review your story!

What I liked:

    • So far, I really like your story. I'm interested to find out what is going to happen next and to learn more about this world. I think you have a really interesting idea here.
    • I also really like how strong your dialogue is. Rigio's dialogue is really distinct. I can clearly hear his character voice and I think that's great. It can be really difficult to get a character's diction right without bothering the reader with weird syntax, so good on you!

Advice:
    • In the beginning, I was immediately throw off by the mention of Into the Unknown. In stories, I think it's really important to not include real songs unless they are really important to the plot. Alternatively, I think it's so much better for the reader to see the character singing a few lines of a song the author wrote. You can use this to add some context to the world. Maybe she is singing a song that only her family members know, for example. If you don't want to do this, I think the only other option is to just mention that the character is listening to song. Make sure to describe what the song sounds like and perhaps where it is from (like a party from the night before and it ended up stuck in her head). Also, how is this "her song"? Is she in a play or something? Is it really special to her? This was unclear in the story.
    • I'm also a little confused to the genre of this story. I came in with the idea that this is a realistic story but Aria's family make it seem like it is fantasy, perhaps urban fantasy or some sort of unrealistic fiction.
    • I recommend treating thoughts as if it's dialogue. That means laying out thoughts like you would dialogue, seperating from larger paragraphs so it's clearer to the reader.
    • Italicizing thought is actually not proper formatting. Of course it is all up to the writer, but I thought I would mention this. I'm pursuing a degree in Creative Writing and all my professors teach us not to italicize our character thoughts. It was a trend years ago to do this, however, current practice is to just not italicize and make it clear with dialogue tags/formatting that it is a thought.
    • Rather than capitalizing words and adding extra exclamation point, I recommend using your words to describe what is happening. Description is always better and you want to make sure you don't take your reader out of the story with jarring formatting. I think your story would benefit from you describing what Rigio sounds like when he yells or what the singer sounds like at the end of the song.
    • I would also like to see this chapter elongated. Most chapters have a few scenes in it and this one is only one short scene. As I reader, I would like to see more happen before the chapter ends.

What I would like to see improved:
    • I would like a little more context, I'm a bit confused to the world.
    • I would like Aria's character be a little more distinct and believable. While your dialogue is strong, I felt that Aria and Rigio are not very 'alive' characters. You can fix this by adding quirks and incorporating them into their character movements.
    • Rigio's character voice was very distinct but I think Aria's needs a little more work to make her seem like a real teenager or a unique person.
    • A longer chapter would give you more time to develop your characters.

Final Thoughts:
I find your story really interesting and unique but I think your characters need a little more work to make them seem more alive/realistic. Perhaps put more scenes into this chapter would give you enough space to flesh out these characters.

I hope my review helps! Good luck with your revision and further writing :)

All the best,
Charm






Thank you for the very helpful review! :)



Charm says...


Ofc! Also I forgot mention that the "yellow-green voice" confused me. I think you mentioned that she has synesthesia, if so, I think you should mention that in this chapter somehow. Since this is the first chapter, you should explain that here :)





Ok, thank you!



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Wed Feb 03, 2021 6:48 pm
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hannah314159 wrote a review...



Hello Momo! Hannah here for a quick review. I really enjoyed this! I haven't written a review yet today and I am trying to do team Tortoise so I decided on this!

Grows:

She walked quickly to the...one...way...out.

I don't know if the ... is necessary, and it didn't really make sense to me.
she sprayed the front of the door with her family's symbol,

I wish we could know what the symbol was!

Aria yanked her earbuds out, the thin blue trail following it.

Is the "thin blue trail" something that she sees or the paint coming out of the can?
Glows:
This was a really, REALLY cool chapter. It was suspenseful, and artistic, it is indescribable! I want to read another chapter! It is amazing! I can't even put it into words!

I hope that you keep writing, (please, do) that you are enjoying 2021, that you have a good Valentines day and have a great rest of your day!



Hannah






Thanks! She has synesthesia, if that answers your question!



hannah314159 says...


Cool! I didn't know that that condition would be in other books!



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Mon Feb 01, 2021 4:19 am
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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Nigjt,

Hey, I'm here to leave a quick review. I'm doing this up quickly on my phone so I apologize for the lack of formatting and the thousands of spelling mistakes right now.

So...here we go...as a first chapter I think this does a great job. Its introducing us to our main character and the presenting what she usually does for a living to us which is always a great place to start. The little boy of lore that you squeezed in there with that wanted poster is done really well too...you can definitely see that there is something going on here and that ending is great too. It's a lovely little cliffhanger to end on and it definitely left me wanting to read more. So overall I think it does a great job as a first chapter and it looks like the start to a great story.

As always take what you think is helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry






Thank you, Harry!



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Mon Feb 01, 2021 2:17 am
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LUNARGIRL wrote a review...



Hello, LUNARGIRL here with a review!
Let's get straight to it.

Aria hummed to her song, Into the Unknown, as she painted the wall of the alleyway behind Rigio’s Pizza and Junk. The wall had practically called to her. It could have been her song but that was boring. Her bottle held all the colors of the rainbow, and then some. She didn’t know how; only that it did. Squished under her chunky white sneakers colored with characters from her imagination was a wanted poster for her family.

This is an interesting start to the story! You might also want to say here the song is from that she is humming, even though many people probably know it. I was a little confused when you said, "It could have been her song but that was boring." I feel like after that it gets even more confusing, and it didn't make any sense to me.

For generations, the Kirna Family has colored the city. They graffiti all they can find with gruesome images of blood, death and destruction. They must be stopped. You can help! Keep your eye out for evidence of these violations of property. You will be rewarded!

~Signed, Sir Ollection, Son of Sons, King of Rallamon.

Did she write a wanted poster for her family, I have to say that is a little weird. But when it comes to your imagination, really anything can happen.

Aria squished it further. Why do they hate us? she thought. Can’t we just get along? She sighed. The noise of the spray calmed her, even through her music. Unknown ended with Idina screaming, INTO THE UNKNOOOOOWWWWNNN!! Aria mouthed the words with her, swerving her can to make a sharp edge. Nicknackatory came on next, and Aria grinned, switching to blue.

I got a little confused at this part too, when she is asking herself questions in the first 2 sentences.

"Don't you come back, you hear me?" the yellow came again. Aria ignored him, but walked up to his front door, and taking out her can, she sprayed the front of the door with her family's symbol, something only her relatives would understand.

You might want to include what the symbol looked like.

Overall, this is a very interesting first chapter to the story, but it did get confusing at a couple parts. I can already tell the Aria is going to be a fun main character to read about, with her personality and attitude. Can't wait to read what you write next!

Carpe diem,
LUNARGIRL





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