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Enemies in crime. Chapter Three 2.4

by LadyMysterio


She fixed her gaze on where his head had been, daring him to make another appearance, when he didn't she unclenched her fists and screamed.

All the frustration of the last day, and now the one, came out in a raging scream.

When she ran out of breath she heaved in one and did it again.

When she emptied the anger and frustration, into the air, she dropped to her knees, uncaring that it hurt her arm. Her ear ringing with the fading scream ricocheting off the walls.

Hot tears rolled down her face.

“Why” she whispered,” why on earth this happening. Then yelled heavenward “What did I do!”

She let her face falls into her hand, attempting to stand the muffled whimpers, that pretested to emerge from her lips. She knelt there until her breaths when plagued by heaving sobs.

Zillah slowly lifted her head, staring at the sunlight cement floor. The event of the last hours filtered back into her head. She sighed and rubbed the tear away. People would likely start streaming in soon, and she couldn't risk having Force find her. She'd likey lose worst than before.

She stood up shakily. And headed for the laundry room. She grabbed her suit out of the water its been soaking in and squeezed it out as best she could with one hand, then set up the rack in the sunlight in the main room. Switching on the fan after shed hung everything.

She grabbed her backpack from under her bed and stuff various things in it, necessities, a purple hoodie, and the grappling hook was still been where it'd fallen.

Zillah set the backpack down by her drying suit. And run her finger over the suit.

It was still damp. She sighted, hopefully, it'd be dry by tonight.

She glanced at her crumpled wings, shd had bothered to deal with them. They take at least a week to fix. If they could be fixed. She'd have to leave them here.

She titled her head “I wonder.”

Zillah swivelled and made her way to a door coated with dust.

She wiped away a small tablet beside the door, and bent, widening her eyes as it scanned them. It beeped, and she twisted the handle, it twisted. The door was more stubborn, she eventually logged her right shoulder against it and shoved. It flung open, and she stumbled, hanging to the door for support.

She caught herself as the door stopped its swing, bumping against something.

As she lifted her eyes she paused and started.

A pile of golden artifacts lay randomly thought the room. It was only a few things, but the impact of it still made her pause. She shook herself out of the trance. And navigating around the gold towards an object resembling a water ski. Except it was completely gold, with blue gem accents, and a luxurious black leather seat.

And took the knife out of her boot and paused as it morphed into an eye, the size of a business card, its original state. The blue sphere became the eyeball while the gold-framed it in an almond eye shape.

She placed it in the almond-shaped indent in between the bike's handles. The blue accent on the bike lit flashed. Then the bike lifted, hovering inches above the ground.

She nodded satisfactorily.” Still works.”

Zillah guided the bike around to a clear spot then walked around to its left side. Grabbing the right handle with her right hand she swung her leg closest to the bike over the seat, then, shifted, resting her feet on the ledges on each side.

The bike, like the staff, felt the commands of the thought of the commander, the person in possession of the eye.

She twisted the handle of the bike and willed it forward, it filled command and turned slightly.

Slowly she made her way to the door then guided it carefully through. The side of the bike where millimetres away from the door slides, as long as she kept the bike straight as she guided through.

Once she was thought she steered it over to where her backpack and suit sat. she slid off and checked the suit, it was still fairly damp. Her eyes darted to the sun, just above the cities tall buildings. Then at the road that lead from it. A couple of cars trundled their way down it. Whether they were hikers or coming to find the bunker. She didn't know. But she couldn't risk finding out.

Frowning she ran back to the treasure room door, a glance lingering on its continents. With the door locked they wouldn't be able to get in, though it wouldn't be long before someone simply blew the door open. She turned and dragged her wings inside, she'd come back for them later, no matter who had them. She sealed the door and locked it. Then dashed back to the bike. Stuffed her less damp suit in a separate pocket in her pack. Hoping she'd be able to let it dry soon, or it stays damp and smells. She shrugged her backpack.

onto her undamaged shoulder and slid back on the bike. Stealing a look at the road once more. The cars had parked and people were emerging.

She gave her house one last sweeping glance then guided the bike into the middle of the pillars.

The turn of the bike as it rose higher, once it reached the top she turned dit around completely, giving her a view of the city, the sun dipping down behind eth buildings.

Nobody was going to interrupt her last sunset here.

Even if her nerves urged her to go. Her right shoulder started to ache. She swung her backpack down and placed it in front f her on the seat, holding it in place with her thighs.

The sun slowly sank, turning the sky an array of colours. Making the glassy skyscrapers shiny works of art.

She looked over her shoulder. Nobody had appeared at the top of the trail. She edged the bike closer to the edge. People had slowly filtered onto the trail entrance, making their way up.

She looked over her shoulder. Nobody had appeared at the top of the trail. She edged the bike closer to the edge. People had slowly filtered onto the trail entrance, making their way up.

She leaned back and raised her hand, shile8dng her face from the bright sun as she watched it dip below the city. As twilight settled she turned the bike slowly around, driving it around the edge of her entrance and straight through the chain-link fence. Surprising a few peoples on the other side.

She scowled, “welcome to my humble abode!” she said, raising her hand dramatically.

Zillah put her hand down and zoomed past their shake faces, heading further into the mountain.

Her priority was finding shelter. First caves, then if they didn't suffix. she'd have to find somewhere in town, which would be....difficult. 


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415 Reviews


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Tue May 04, 2021 1:23 am
starlitmind wrote a review...



HEY FRIEND! <3 This has been in the green room for awhile now :O so I thought I'd nudge it out for you! ^_^ and I also really like this story, so I'm excited to get back into it :)

She fixed her gaze on where his head had been, daring him to make another appearance, when he didn't she unclenched her fists and screamed.


(just wanted to point out that this is a run on sentence since you have two independent clauses joined by just a comma. I don't want my review to be grammar based, but I thought pointing this out could help you with finding other run-ons! you can separate independent clauses with a comma and conjunction, period, or semicolon!)

also I noticed you have a couple of dependent clauses left hanging to make fragments. when a sentence doesn't have a complete thought, it's not a sentence by itself and needs to be attached to an independent clause ^_^ just thought I'd share that once instead of being repetitive c:

When she emptied the anger and frustration, into the air, she dropped to her knees, uncaring that it hurt her arm.


I love the frustration the reader is able to feel here -> especially with phrases like "emptying anger + frustration" and having her drop to her knees. all the actions combined easily portray her feelings c:

She knelt there until her breaths when plagued by heaving sobs.


Ooh, this is a really lovely sentence! ^_^ I feel like you meant "where" instead of "when"? not sure though c:

I noticed that the large majority of sentences start with "Zillah/She + Verb" -> having the same structure does get a bit repetitive after awhile. I recommend varying up the way you structure your sentences to make it less repetitive and more exciting c: you could do this by having phrases / dependent clauses starting your sentences. Or have another subject besides Zillah ^_^

Also, I feel like you don't have to explain every single thing -> like you don't have to tell every little action Zillah does to accomplish a larger task. I think cutting out some of those details would help with the pace and to make it more interesting at parts where there isn't much going on c:

She glanced at her crumpled wings, shd had bothered to deal with them. They take at least a week to fix. If they could be fixed. She'd have to leave them here.


Omg I didn't even think about her having to fix her wings. That sounds painful >.>

The sun slowly sank, turning the sky an array of colours. Making the glassy skyscrapers shiny works of art.


Ooh, I really like this metaphor of the skyscrapers becoming mosaics? or just art in general, that's a really neat image ^_^

She scowled, “welcome to my humble abode!” she said, raising her hand dramatically.


Omg this part screams Zillah haha I love her <3

Her priority was finding shelter. First caves, then if they didn't suffix. she'd have to find somewhere in town, which would be....difficult.


Oof, I hope she's able to get those caves, although authors do love to make their characters suffer :P

Poor Zillah, I feel like she never gets to get a break! Something strange is always happening - either that, or she's recovering from a precious injury >.> I hope she's able to catch a break once she (hopefully) finds shelter in caves

ORRRRR MAYBE she will seek out Soren for help, and that will push the ship haha xD

I love how all of her dialogue is so easily recognizable; you're really good at keeping the characters consistent and having their actions and words match their personality :[I][/i) Zillah always manages to make me smile xD

I enjoyed reading this chapter, Lady, and I hope to read more from you soon! ^_^ <3




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Tue Mar 30, 2021 2:16 pm
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WaterSpout wrote a review...



Hello LadyMysterio! Decided to drop by and read your chapter. I really liked this so I decided to review it. Hopefully, this can be of any use to you.
Without further ado, I'll get started.

She fixed her gaze on where his head had been, daring him to make another appearance, >and<when he didn't>,< she unclenched her fists and screamed.

I think it makes sense to put a FANBOYS here, but then the comma would have to go. So the best thing here is to make them two separate sentences and starting the second with "And." With the second bolded section, you needed a comma there.

All the frustration of the last day, and now the one, came out in a raging scream.

I think you mean "this" instead?

When she emptied the anger and frustration(,) into the air, she dropped to her knees, uncaring that it hurt her arm.

You do not need a comma here.

She let her face falls into her hand, attempting to stand the muffled whimpers(,) that pretested to emerge from her lips.

You do not need a comma here.

She'd likey lose worst than before.

This would need to be "worse"

There were more grammar mistakes, but they are pretty similar to the ones I highlighted so hopefully you'll figure it out. Besides, I'm kinda in a rush 'cause I'm in school xd but I still thoroughly enjoyed this chapter, and got me interested in the book! I can't promise I'll read it all, I don't want to lie, but I want to make time for it.
Overall, I like how this chapter started, even if I have no context about the actual story or the previous chapter. I also like your descriptions and how the main character(at least I think Zillah is) views the world and her problems.
So remember, keep on writing!
With caution,

WaterSpout




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Tue Mar 30, 2021 1:53 pm
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WaterSpout says...



Why are there 3 bots here? o.O





You are all the colours in one, at full brightness.
— Jennifer Niven, 'All the Bright Places'