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Thief Of Dust And Dawn- chapter 2

by Ducklinstories


                                                            2

                                            Secrets And Tricks

The warm sunlight shone through the holes in the curtain onto Rae's face. She groaned knowing she had to get up since she had to watch Darius's booth today. Darius went to some merchants' festival in the south of the empire. Which left Rae with the responsibility of looking after the stall.

The eighth morning bell rang through the narrow streets of Xenos. Rae's eyes shot open. She had promised Darius that she would be at the booth promptly at the ringing of the eighth bell, where she was anything but. Rae rolled out of bed and hit the floor with a dull bang.

"Damn, why does this always have to happen to me" she cursed.

she got up from the floor with a sore back and gathered up the clothes she had thrown on the floor the night before. The white flannel shirt quickly disappeared over her head as she struggled to get into her leather pants. After a lot of sweating, she stumbled out of her room and went down the stairs. When she came downstairs she swung her bag over her shoulder and quickly took an apple from the fruit basket on the oak table.

"I've been to Darius, see you tonight Mom!" she called before closing the door, not waiting for an answer from her mother. After the fight with her mother, she had not seen her again, she had hardly slept a wink that night and was left with thousands of questions about what she had done wrong. Something was wrong and she knew it, but her mother wouldn't tell me what. Rae took a deep breath and put the thoughts out of her mind before continuing. On summer days like these, the streets were always full and you could barely get ahead without bumping into someone. Rae was already gagging at the thoughts of bumping into sweaty bodies and sitting in a mass of hot meat, she didn't feel like doing that at all. She could not think too much about it or she would never reach Darius that way. Diving away from people who swung their arms, she hastily started her journey to the Elysium.

Rae sat with her legs folded in Darius's booth, reading, waiting for customers. Darius had given her a sermon on punctuality first, then gave her literature on how to do her best to attract customers, but Rae had no need for people to disturb her as she read and was absorbed in her book. The only customer she'd had was a boy from her neighborhood who bought a children's book. Rae was snuggling up in the booth, which gave just enough shade so that she didn't get too hot. Her favorite book was firmly in her hands when she heard a soft cough. Irritated, she raised an eyebrow and pretended not to hear. People can be so annoying sometimes, so Rae preferred to live in her own world. The soft cough came from before the booth again. This time, she didn't even bother to give the customer the slightest bit of attention.

"I thought the customer was king," commented the customer, "but hey, what else should I expect from a stall run by a thief." the customer grinned. Rae couldn't believe her ears. No one knew about her illegal business, she took care of that herself. If someone betrayed her, she would never see daylight again and might even hang on the gallows. She quickly slammed her book close to that thought and stood up to see who was the mysterious customer who called her a thief.

Rae froze when she saw the so-called customer, of all the people in Xenos it had to be him. She was dead without a doubt. In front of her stood the man whose beautiful amulet she had stolen from. He leaned against the booth with a smug smile on his face.

All the noise around her was muffled and turned to nothing more than a soft murmur, all she could hear was her own heartbeat racing. She had to bring out her best acting skills, this was going to be difficult. At least if she wanted to get off it alive. She had seen the last thief to be caught being impaled like a grape with her own eyes. She would rather remain a round, juicy grape than a grape that drains and decays. She swallowed hard before starting her act.

"Who do you think you are to call me a thief?" Rae hissed.

“I may be rude, but a thief? Where do you get your fantasies if I may ask. You don't even know me and you have no right to speak of me like that! ” she frantically slapped her hand on the table on which the books were displayed. The man shook his head gently, laughing.

"As a magician of the order of Torvish, I think I have the right to say what I want." Rae closed,her mouth. this couldn't be true. The order of Torvish is ancient and was founded by the 5 most powerful magicians of the 5 kingdoms in Edria. Each mage had a power that represented and protected his realm. Sohad Dashia,the empire in the north, the magician Alaric Munnik known for its black magic and destructive touch. In the old days when she was a child she always went to watch the annual procession of the army entry, the magicians always led the way. Flaunting their robes and powers, they walked on silently.

What was only a group of 5 magicians thousands of years ago has now grown into a dynasty of hundreds of magicians spread all over Edria. Even Though there were now more magicians was very rare to ever encounter a wizard because it's quite an introverted type, but precisely they shoulda traveling magician of the order of robTorvish.Usually they wore a badge that she could recognize you, she heard say, but apparently this magician thought otherwise or he was bluffing.

"Where is your badge?" Rae asked.

"My badge?"

“Yes, your badge. Normally every mage of the order of Trovish wears a badge, but you don't, ”explained Rae.“ So again where is your badge ”Rae looked at the so-called mage with a satisfied look. Now she had it she thought.

"Very simple, someone has stolen my badge or in other words amulet" the man now looked straight at her with a grin on his face.

"If you might be interested, every amulet of the order of Trovish has a search spell that the mage can revoke if the amulet is lost," the man paused "or in this case stolen."

Rae started to sweat, she was there. This was the end of her short, almost useless life that she spent the rest of the time in the dungeons. She scanned the market square with her eyes looking for a way to escape. Just like yesterday, the market was filled with thousands of people, the roads were completely blocked and it was impossible for her to get out quickly enough. Her eyes went further and came to the entrance to the underground market. On hot days like this it was almost empty and deserted. In short, the perfect escape route.

She turned her head back to the man and saw that he was busy flipping through the booth's books. This was her chance. Gently she slid her tote bag over her shoulder and put in the profit of the day. She took a deep breath before starting her sprint. Quickly turned and walked through the back of the booth into the crowd. She looked back and saw the mage staring at her in a daze before giving chase and dropping the book from his hands. She walked across the Elysium with her head bowed, the music of the local musicians ringing in her ears as she passed it.

In her flight, she grabbed a scarf from a stall and heard the owner shout that she was a dirty little thief. He wasn't wrong, Rae admitted. She quickly tied the scarf so that it covered her striking hair. She walked across the covered part of the market bumping into people and apologizing, she heard the gravel crunching beneath her feet as she pushed herself off and accelerated every time. She felt a thick layer of sweat on her forehead and gasped heavily. The entrance to the underground market was already in sight and she grinned. This was too easy, she expected more from a magician. She looked quickly over her shoulder and saw no magician. Had she lost him?

Panting, she came to a stop and examined the crowd one more time before continuing. She hadn't turned around completely when an unprecedented force hit her right in the stomach. She nearly flew through the air and hit the ground with a loud bang, dust lifted off the ground, forming a small cloud of dust. Her shirt was torn when she fell and felt several scrapes on her arms and back. She still felt the tingling pain raging all over her body, all that could cause it was magic. She closed her eyes from the pain that would not go away and cursed all the Magi.

A shadow formed above her face and the sound of gravel cracking next to her head was loud in her ears.

"It's pretty stupid trying to flee from a mage," he snapped.

Rae grunted softly in pain and slowly opened her eyes again.

"I have experienced that," she admitted honestly. What inspired her to try to flee from a creature that was at least 10 times stronger than her, she did not know. The mage sighed and reached out to Rae to straighten her. She pulled her nose and refused to even take his hand. Biting her teeth from the stabbing pain, she straightened up again. The dust flew in allas sheoff her shirt and pants directionsbrushed. This shirt can also be thrown away, she thought when she saw the gaping holes in the piece of fabric.

"You pay for my clothes," rae hissed through her teeth.

A grin came on the magician's face. "If I were in your position I would be very kind" The man played with his hair "I just have to take you to court and poof, your pathetic life is gone" the magician warned her. He reached out and grabbed Rea by the arm. The Velvet fabric of his gloves stroked her skin at first, then began to gently cut into her skin. Rae looked at the gloves, confused. Who  wears gloves in the middle of summer. Before Rae could say anything she was cut off by the magician.

“The amulet please, now.” From his cold tone you could deduce that he was losing patience. Rae could have put the money to good use if she could sell the amulet to one of the black market sellers, but it was her freedom against money. The choice was easy. She nodded and wrung her arm out of his hard grip. Carefully she picked up her shoulder bag and began to search for the amulet. She felt inside the pocket where the amulet should be, but to her dismay it was empty. Desperate, she began to search more thoroughly, but the inner pocket remained empty. In the corner of her eye she saw the mage grow impatient. A cold sweat broke out and she began to search her bag more aggressively. She felt the magician's eyes rest on her, making her even warmer. She had to distract him for a little until she found it.

"So I heard you magicians all have those terrifying names." Rae tried to remember where she had last seen the amulet and frowned. "you too?" she asked. Actually, she didn't care what his name was, but she still had no idea where the amulet was.

"Azrael Saltebone doesn't really sound terrifying to me, but you humans also make up the craziest legends with the least knowledge"

Rae laughed at his statement.

“We humans may make up legends, but at least we still have fantasy. Magicians see everything in black and white and only look at the facts before doing one thing. ” Azrael gave her a withering look.

“I don't need a life lesson from a thief. All I want is my amulet. ”Azrael walked fast on Rae  and tore the bag off her shoulder. Before she could even protest, all of the contents were spread over the dusty ground of the Elysium. Azrael slowly ran his eyes over the things on the floor, but saw nothing like his amulet. He furrowed his brow and turned his eyes back to Rae. Rae felt the lump in her throat grow bigger by the second. If she lost Azrael's amulet, he will not hesitate to send her to court. What would her mother think, a daughter like thief

"You don't know where the amulet is, do you?" 


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Tue Jan 19, 2021 4:08 am
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hi ducklin! Sorry it took me so long to get back to this ^^ I wanted to make sure I had enough time to leave a good review.

First of all, I really enjoyed this part! I liked that we quickly saw repercussions regarding Rae's actions in the first chapter (ie, stealing the amulet), and I love to see the conflict building. As well, I'm sure that Rae's mother has to be tied into this, with how strange their interaction was in the first chapter. Also, I really liked that you'd reiterated that conversation at the beginning, so it didn't feel like a one off. I hope we come back to it, soon :)

I'll be a little bit more grammar focused this time, since you mentioned wanting some help with that, but I'll still comment on more broad things too!

The eighth morning bell rang through the narrow streets of Xenos.


This is really nitpicky, but how does Rae know it was the eighth bell if she was asleep? Does this bell sound different than the other ones or does it ring eight times?

"Damn, why does this always have to happen to me?" she cursed.


You missed a question mark here, haha. You seem to typically know the rules of dialogue, because most of the time you do it well, but sometimes you accidentally miss a comma or don't capitalize words right, but let me know if you want me to point out those things more often.

She got up from the floor with a sore back and gathered up the clothes she had thrown on the floor the night before.


Whenever I bold something, it means a correction, so don't forget to capitalize she. Also, be careful about reusing similar phrases close together, because it sounds repetitive and can mess up the flow of your writing. You could replace the second "floor" with something like "the clothes she'd left lying around" or some other descriptor.

"I've been to Darius, see you tonight Mom!"


You should say "I'm going to Darius," since Rae is on her way there and isn't coming from there. Also, maybe add something like going to his booth, since we know Darius isn't going to be there? Or does she not want to tell her mom that she'll be there on her own?

This also had me wondering a few things: first, how old is Rae? I get the impression that she's a bit older, probably in her late teens because she goes out, helps around Darius's stall, and then can even come back and cook for herself and her mom. You don't need to spell it out to us, but I'm curious. The follow up question is does Rae get paid for her help at the stall? Of course, we know that she steals to try to get by, which makes sense from the society you've set up, showing us that Rae and her mom are not especially well off (and I don't know if her mom works or not?) If not, why does she help out Darius? Who is he in relation to Rae? A relative, a family friend, someone that Rae just knows, etc?

Something was wrong and she knew it, but her mother wouldn't tell her what.


You accidentally slipped into first person here.

Rae was already gagging at the thoughts of bumping into sweaty bodies and sitting in a mass of hot meat, she didn't feel like doing that at all.


This is what I meant last review when I talked about a comma splice! Notice here that if you remove everything after the comma, you are left with a complete sentence.

"Rae was already gagging at the thoughts of bumping into sweaty bodies and sitting in a mass of hot meat."

Then if you remove everything before the comma you also get a complete sentence.

"She didn't feel like doing that at all."

This is how you know that you should probably have a period instead of a comma. Sometimes you can get a sentence like this where you can't remove the comma:

"She didn't feel liked doing that at all, gagging at the thought of bumping into sweaty bodies." (I shortened it for the example.)

If you want to keep the ideas related, then you can either add a conjunction between them like and, but, or, etc. or you can turn one of the sentences into a dependent clause. This is a really brief overview of this idea, but you can read more here about dependent and independent clauses and other mistakes to look out for.

Darius had given her a sermon on punctuality first, then gave her literature on how to do her best to attract customers, but Rae had no need for people to disturb her as she read and was absorbed in her book.


This sentence was a little bit confusing to me. First of all, "sermon" usually has a religious connotation, so I was a bit confused on its usage. Second, did you mean to say "lecture" instead of "literature"? Because otherwise it sounds like Darius gave her a book to read about this, which doesn't seem likely. Third, I'm not sure what you're trying to say in the second half of the sentence about "Rae had no need for people to disturb her." This doesn't feel necessary, since you establish that she seems to be reading and ignoring customers, which I think is the idea you're trying to convey.

In front of her stood the man whose beautiful amulet she had stolen from.


From isn't necessary here.

"Who do you think you are to call me a thief?" Rae hissed. / “I may be rude, but a thief?"


Here, I was a little confused because of the paragraph break. I thought that this was the man responding to her, so it would be better to keep these as one paragraph so the reader knows that Rae is just continuing to speak.

I'm not sure how I felt about the introduction of the Order of Torvish, because it was written in a bit of a confusing way. First of all, we don't know a whole lot about this world, which is fine because we're only two chapters in, but I don't like that this information is just stuck in the narration. This is tricky because it's important that we know what's happening, but it would help to make it feel like we're in Rae's thoughts and we're not just reading a history book. Show us her shock, her disbelief at the supposed power of the man standing in front of her, and then give us some of the background.

Also, I don't know why you only mentioned one of the magicians by name in that paragraph. This is the sentence, which is confusing to me to read:

Sohad Dashia,the empire in the north, the magician Alaric Munnik known for its black magic and destructive touch.


I don't know why it's necessary for us to have this detail? The thing with introducing this group to us by narration is you should opt to give us only what is absolutely necessary for us to know in the moment, and then reveal the rest as the story goes on. This helps readers stay engaged, because they always want to know more! So the second paragraph about magicians, you could easily save for later, since it's not important to the tension building between Rae and this magician.

Also, how did a magician not expect someone to try to pick pocket him for his amulet in the first place? <.< Just something I thought about.

I was a little put off by Rae's defiance after learning that she had been talking to someone so powerful as this magician. On the one hand, it develops her character more as someone who is stubborn and resilient, but it also seems a bit strange that she's not nervous at all, even in her inner dialogue. I'd like to see a bit more emotion coming out of her, so we can see her inner thoughts and connect to her more.

Her eyes went further and came to the entrance to the underground market.


How did the magician not notice her looking around to try to run and escape? Maybe it would be better to try to intersperse these thoughts between other dialogue as she tries to make a distraction, so she can try to make a fast escape? Otherwise, it makes it seem like the magician corners her in the conversation, then she goes quiet for a while, and then she runs, which seems very telegraphed. I'm also confused why the man looked away from her, knowing that she is a thief.

Gently she slid her tote bag over her shoulder and put in the profit of the day.


It's funny to me that she worried about taking the profits but is not at all concerned with leaving the merchandise out for anyone to take. Why did Darius trust her with his booth? xD

So I know I was pretty nitpicky throughout this, but I was trying to ask questions so you can think more about your story and maybe see some small inconsistencies. Overall, like I said before, I liked this chapter. We learned some more about the world, we got to see immediate consequences for Rae's actions, and I can see a good path forward for the novel to progress. The writing was also solid and I was mostly captivated, aside from some small issues here and there that I mostly pointed out. You're doing a great job!

Let me know when the next part is out :) I'm excited to read more. Happy writing!
~ Wolfe




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Thu Jan 14, 2021 3:51 am
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cidrianwritersguild wrote a review...



A fine tale indeed! However, we must say that it was slightly confusing at the beginning. We do concede the point that that is most likely entirely on us for having not read chapter one. But, nonetheless, we get the feeling that this meant to be a sword and sorcery tale, but the beginning comes off much more modern than that due to the way Rae speaks. Again, we concede the fact that it is entirely possible to be out of the loop having not read the first part.

On a more positive note, Rae's confrontation with the mage plays very well. As it is not very late in the book, drama hasn't built yet, but you still do an exemplary job of creating mild conflict at the very beginning. Because of this, it draws the reader in, making them want to read the next chapter very much. The last line of the chapter does this as well, because now we all want to know where this amulet went.

Something we feel we must call attention to, however, is the large amount of typos in a couple of the paragraphs. Of course this could be a formatting error or a glitch of some sort, but at least two of the paragraphs read like this:

"What was only a group of 5 magicians thousands of years ago has now grown into a dynasty of hundreds of magicians spread all over Edria. Even Though there were now more magicians was very rare to ever encounter a wizard because it's quite an introverted type, but precisely they shoulda traveling magician of the order of robTorvish.Usually they wore a badge that she could recognize you, she heard say, but apparently this magician thought otherwise or he was bluffing."

You get the gist of the paragraph, yet it feels awkward and jolts one out of the immersion you crafted so well.

On the whole, this novel is greatly intriguing and we encourage you to continue writing it. We also encourage you more to disregard anything we've said that you feel is out of line.

Sláinte,

The Cidiran Writer's Guild






Thank you for the review!



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Mon Jan 11, 2021 5:38 pm
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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm back for the second chapter of this too...let's see this goes.

First Impression: Hmm...well this was an interesting continuation of the second chapter and I believe the interesting part of this has well and truly gotten underway. And this makes me look forward to a third part of this.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The warm sunlight shone through the holes in the curtain onto Rae's face. She groaned knowing she had to get up since she had to watch Darius's booth today. Darius went to some merchants' festival in the south of the empire. Which left Rae with the responsibility of looking after the stall.


Okay...gentle start to the chapter their...let's see where that ends up going.

The eighth morning bell rang through the narrow streets of Xenos. Rae's eyes shot open. She had promised Darius that she would be at the booth promptly at the ringing of the eighth bell, where she was anything but. Rae rolled out of bed and hit the floor with a dull bang.


Well that's an interesting feature of this town...I suppose the various bells signal an hour each maybe?? I dunno, I'm just theorizing at the moment.

she got up from the floor with a sore back and gathered up the clothes she had thrown on the floor the night before. The white flannel shirt quickly disappeared over her head as she struggled to get into her leather pants. After a lot of sweating, she stumbled out of her room and went down the stairs. When she came downstairs she swung her bag over her shoulder and quickly took an apple from the fruit basket on the oak table.


Seems like a fairly efficient getting ready ritual...okay...decent description.

"I've been to Darius, see you tonight Mom!" she called before closing the door, not waiting for an answer from her mother. After the fight with her mother, she had not seen her again, she had hardly slept a wink that night and was left with thousands of questions about what she had done wrong. Something was wrong and she knew it, but her mother wouldn't tell me what. Rae took a deep breath and put the thoughts out of her mind before continuing. On summer days like these, the streets were always full and you could barely get ahead without bumping into someone. Rae was already gagging at the thoughts of bumping into sweaty bodies and sitting in a mass of hot meat, she didn't feel like doing that at all. She could not think too much about it or she would never reach Darius that way. Diving away from people who swung their arms, she hastily started her journey to the Elysium.


I think this paragraph wasn't broke at quite the right place here...the concern about her mother gets a bit overshadowed by the life descriptions that follow.

Rae sat with her legs folded in Darius's booth, reading, waiting for customers. Darius had given her a sermon on punctuality first, then gave her literature on how to do her best to attract customers, but Rae had no need for people to disturb her as she read and was absorbed in her book. The only customer she'd had was a boy from her neighborhood who bought a children's book. Rae was snuggling up in the booth, which gave just enough shade so that she didn't get too hot. Her favorite book was firmly in her hands when she heard a soft cough. Irritated, she raised an eyebrow and pretended not to hear. People can be so annoying sometimes, so Rae preferred to live in her own world. The soft cough came from before the booth again. This time, she didn't even bother to give the customer the slightest bit of attention.


Well that doesn't quite seem like the behavior of a good salesperson that...ignoring the customers completely.

"I thought the customer was king," commented the customer, "but hey, what else should I expect from a stall run by a thief." the customer grinned. Rae couldn't believe her ears. No one knew about her illegal business, she took care of that herself. If someone betrayed her, she would never see daylight again and might even hang on the gallows. She quickly slammed her book close to that thought and stood up to see who was the mysterious customer who called her a thief.


Ooooh...are things about to get a bit more interesting finally?

Rae froze when she saw the so-called customer, of all the people in Xenos it had to be him. She was dead without a doubt. In front of her stood the man whose beautiful amulet she had stolen from. He leaned against the booth with a smug smile on his face.


It appears she wasn't the only good actor there...or maybe he figured it out later...either way its quite interesting.

All the noise around her was muffled and turned to nothing more than a soft murmur, all she could hear was her own heartbeat racing. She had to bring out her best acting skills, this was going to be difficult. At least if she wanted to get off it alive. She had seen the last thief to be caught being impaled like a grape with her own eyes. She would rather remain a round, juicy grape than a grape that drains and decays. She swallowed hard before starting her act.


That seems like a reasonable course of action in order to survive.

"Who do you think you are to call me a thief?" Rae hissed.

“I may be rude, but a thief? Where do you get your fantasies if I may ask. You don't even know me and you have no right to speak of me like that! ” she frantically slapped her hand on the table on which the books were displayed. The man shook his head gently, laughing.


Well, she is certainly going on the offensive, which is a good tactic to use.

"As a magician of the order of Torvish, I think I have the right to say what I want." Rae closed,her mouth. this couldn't be true. The order of Torvish is ancient and was founded by the 5 most powerful magicians of the 5 kingdoms in Edria. Each mage had a power that represented and protected his realm. Sohad Dashia,the empire in the north, the magician Alaric Munnik known for its black magic and destructive touch. In the old days when she was a child she always went to watch the annual procession of the army entry, the magicians always led the way. Flaunting their robes and powers, they walked on silently.


Little bit of an exposition dump there but I suppose it is necessary enough to be overlooked if its just this one paragraph of information.

What was only a group of 5 magicians thousands of years ago has now grown into a dynasty of hundreds of magicians spread all over Edria. Even Though there were now more magicians was very rare to ever encounter a wizard because it's quite an introverted type, but precisely they shoulda traveling magician of the order of robTorvish.Usually they wore a badge that she could recognize you, she heard say, but apparently this magician thought otherwise or he was bluffing.


At this point this is getting maybe a little too long in terms of information.

“Yes, your badge. Normally every mage of the order of Trovish wears a badge, but you don't, ”explained Rae.“ So again where is your badge ”Rae looked at the so-called mage with a satisfied look. Now she had it she thought.


Well...that cockiness is destined to be brought down crashing...

"Very simple, someone has stolen my badge or in other words amulet" the man now looked straight at her with a grin on his face.

"If you might be interested, every amulet of the order of Trovish has a search spell that the mage can revoke if the amulet is lost," the man paused "or in this case stolen."


Well...I suppose he isn't bluffing...

Rae started to sweat, she was there. This was the end of her short, almost useless life that she spent the rest of the time in the dungeons. She scanned the market square with her eyes looking for a way to escape. Just like yesterday, the market was filled with thousands of people, the roads were completely blocked and it was impossible for her to get out quickly enough. Her eyes went further and came to the entrance to the underground market. On hot days like this it was almost empty and deserted. In short, the perfect escape route.


I love how she is already looking for an escape route. Although I highly doubt that it is going to be particularly successful.

She turned her head back to the man and saw that he was busy flipping through the booth's books. This was her chance. Gently she slid her tote bag over her shoulder and put in the profit of the day. She took a deep breath before starting her sprint. Quickly turned and walked through the back of the booth into the crowd. She looked back and saw the mage staring at her in a daze before giving chase and dropping the book from his hands. She walked across the Elysium with her head bowed, the music of the local musicians ringing in her ears as she passed it.


Well I believe she has done enough to get us to cheer her on so that's a good sign. She's something that appears to be worth rooting for.

In her flight, she grabbed a scarf from a stall and heard the owner shout that she was a dirty little thief. He wasn't wrong, Rae admitted. She quickly tied the scarf so that it covered her striking hair. She walked across the covered part of the market bumping into people and apologizing, she heard the gravel crunching beneath her feet as she pushed herself off and accelerated every time. She felt a thick layer of sweat on her forehead and gasped heavily. The entrance to the underground market was already in sight and she grinned. This was too easy, she expected more from a magician. She looked quickly over her shoulder and saw no magician. Had she lost him?


Oh that's never a good sing when it comes to a magician. You always need to keep an eye on a magician or they tend to come back to surprise you, either that or they want you to get away.

Panting, she came to a stop and examined the crowd one more time before continuing. She hadn't turned around completely when an unprecedented force hit her right in the stomach. She nearly flew through the air and hit the ground with a loud bang, dust lifted off the ground, forming a small cloud of dust. Her shirt was torn when she fell and felt several scrapes on her arms and back. She still felt the tingling pain raging all over her body, all that could cause it was magic. She closed her eyes from the pain that would not go away and cursed all the Magi.


Yup, exactly as predicted.

A shadow formed above her face and the sound of gravel cracking next to her head was loud in her ears.

"It's pretty stupid trying to flee from a mage," he snapped.


Case in point.

"I have experienced that," she admitted honestly. What inspired her to try to flee from a creature that was at least 10 times stronger than her, she did not know. The mage sighed and reached out to Rae to straighten her. She pulled her nose and refused to even take his hand. Biting her teeth from the stabbing pain, she straightened up again. The dust flew in allas sheoff her shirt and pants directionsbrushed. This shirt can also be thrown away, she thought when she saw the gaping holes in the piece of fabric.


Oh dear...that certainly doesn't appear to be a friendly spell by any means.

"You pay for my clothes," rae hissed through her teeth.

A grin came on the magician's face. "If I were in your position I would be very kind" The man played with his hair "I just have to take you to court and poof, your pathetic life is gone" the magician warned her. He reached out and grabbed Rea by the arm. The Velvet fabric of his gloves stroked her skin at first, then began to gently cut into her skin. Rae looked at the gloves, confused. Who wears gloves in the middle of summer. Before Rae could say anything she was cut off by the magician.


Well...I suppose she is on the wrong side of the law in this so it appears to be a fair thing for the magician to be doing.

“The amulet please, now.” From his cold tone you could deduce that he was losing patience. Rae could have put the money to good use if she could sell the amulet to one of the black market sellers, but it was her freedom against money. The choice was easy. She nodded and wrung her arm out of his hard grip. Carefully she picked up her shoulder bag and began to search for the amulet. She felt inside the pocket where the amulet should be, but to her dismay it was empty. Desperate, she began to search more thoroughly, but the inner pocket remained empty. In the corner of her eye she saw the mage grow impatient. A cold sweat broke out and she began to search her bag more aggressively. She felt the magician's eyes rest on her, making her even warmer. She had to distract him for a little until she found it.


Yup...she definitely has lost it.

"Azrael Saltebone doesn't really sound terrifying to me, but you humans also make up the craziest legends with the least knowledge"

Rae laughed at his statement.


Yeah, that name certainly just makes me laugh.

“We humans may make up legends, but at least we still have fantasy. Magicians see everything in black and white and only look at the facts before doing one thing. ” Azrael gave her a withering look.


I don't think that's a good thing to be saying to distract someone but maybe that's just me.

“I don't need a life lesson from a thief. All I want is my amulet. ”Azrael walked fast on Rae and tore the bag off her shoulder. Before she could even protest, all of the contents were spread over the dusty ground of the Elysium. Azrael slowly ran his eyes over the things on the floor, but saw nothing like his amulet. He furrowed his brow and turned his eyes back to Rae. Rae felt the lump in her throat grow bigger by the second. If she lost Azrael's amulet, he will not hesitate to send her to court. What would her mother think, a daughter like thief

"You don't know where the amulet is, do you?"


Oh she most definitely does not...

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this was a pretty cool sequence there at the end, neatly balancing out all the description and exposition up front. I would have preferred perhaps a bit more dialogue than this because it feels like you don't quite have enough on that front but that's the only "issue" I have this.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry






Thank you!
Honestly I afree with you on the dialogue part but in the following chapter talking will become a bigger part of the story.
I think it is fair to say that you made me laugh with your little comments on the stupid things Rae did so again THANK you




The worst bullies you will ever encounter in your life are your own thoughts.
— Bryant McGill