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Prophecy of Thieves [chapter 3]

by mordax


Warning: This work has been rated 18+.

Being the most notorious thief in all of Reindale—perhaps all of Arlan—hadn’t come easy. But had it been worth it? As Ren grinned from the enclosed booth within the tavern—one mainly populated by rich pricks who had nothing better to do then pretend to slum with poor folk—he thought the cost had been very much worth it.

The gentle smoke of opium managed to push its way past the thick curtains surrounding his booth, along with the scent of ale. Ren reshuffled his deck of cards, waiting for—

A throat cleared beyond the curtain. A slow smile spread over Ren’s face. “Enter,” he said in the haughtiest voice he could muster.

The crimson curtain was pulled aside and three men entered, obviously new to the gig. “Um,” one of the men said, glancing around, his hands fidgeting. He straightened his brown overcoat that Ren supposed was meant to appear deplorable, but with the silver stitches and immaculate threadwork, there was no doubt it had cost a fortune. “The person at the bar said we could play cards here?”

“Thank the gods,” Ren said with a wave of his hand. “I’ve been waiting for some partners for hours. I thought everyone was too busy getting drunk. Sit, sit.”

The rich men all slid into the booth. Normally, men didn’t go into private booths to play cards, but that was part of Ren’s and the tavern owner’s agreement. The owner sent the rich pricks to his booth, and Ren gave him a small percentage of his winnings. Ren shuffled the deck once more, relishing in the cards snapping over one another.

“Well, what are we playing?” he asked. He began rolling the cards over his knuckles with rapid precision. The rich men glanced at his hands with mute fascination before meeting his eyes.

“Uh,” one of the men muttered.

“Fine. Shoulder Pass it is.”

The men glanced at one another. “We’ve never… Played that game.”

“Oh, it’s easy. I’ll teach you. But first…” Ren stuck a hand out of the curtain and called, “Four ales!” Within seconds, the curtain was pulled back and the broad, scarred owner set the ales before them. When he moved to leave, Ren winked at him.

“Okay, now that that’s taken care of,” Ren said, taking a gulp of the ale. “Shoulder Pass is an easy enough card game.” He began dealing the cards swiftly. “It’s a game of deception and trickery. The goal is to end with four cards of any kind in your hand.”

When he finished dealing, he set the deck in the center of the table and grabbed his hand of cards. “You have two options with your hand. You can trade cards with someone, or draw from the deck. But when you go to trade, you can lie to all your heart’s content.”

The men eyed each other, their enthusiasm growing. That was why they came to the tavern in the first place. For a taste of danger. What they didn’t know was that the only danger they were in was losing all their money.

“The shoulder pass is what happens when you believe someone is lying, but you wish to trade anyway. If someone offers you a trade and you think it to be a lie, you take your card and lay it upon their shoulder.” Ren demonstrated on the brown-haired man seated beside him. As his hand landed upon the smooth material of the man’s tunic, he used his other hand to unlatch and slip off the man’s watch. A second later, both hands were gone and back on the table. “If that someone is indeed lying, they have to reveal their entire hand to the rest of the table.”

The men all nodded enthusiastically. “What are the stakes?” one of them asked.

Ren tapped on his chin, contemplating. “10 silvers each loser,” he decided. The men were rich enough to accept without complaint. If they were in a real tavern in the slums, that instant agreement alone would have them jumped for whatever coin they carried.

So, they began. As they played, Ren stole another of the men’s watches and another’s ring. When the game ended, Ren winning—unsurprisingly, as the game had been rigged from the start—the other men sighed and handed over their pouches of money.

Ren waved them out with a smile, the coin jangling in his hand. They grumbled—not for the lost money, but for the lost pride—and were gone within seconds.

Ren had approximately ten minutes from then until they would come running back, realizing they had been robbed.

Leaning back in the booth, he counted his winnings, the gold watches and sapphire studded ring pure enough to gain him a small fortune. With a grin, he piled the money and strutted out of the booth, stopping at the bar long enough to toss the owner a pouch of coins.

Out on the dark street, empty save for the beggars, Ren bounced along the cobblestone, his winnings tucked safely into his pockets. He straightened the lapels of his jacket, enjoying the feel of the rich, indigo fabric, threaded with silver. When as good of a thief as himself, money had ceased to be an issue.

There was a tap of feet behind him and he picked up his pace. While money wasn’t an issue, his long list of enemies was. Ren knew better than to use his wealth to pay for a bodyguard. No one could be trusted when he had the profession he did. So, his money often went into other precautions. Such as his apartment situated only two blocks from where he was, listed under a different name. It was his third apartment that month.

Ren debated going straight to his apartment and potentially leading his obvious follower to his one safe house or trying to shake him off. The latter would’ve been the smarter move, but he was scared enough to completely disregard logic.

The steps following him didn’t cease when he turned down a tight alley, slipping out onto the following street. Stuffing his clammy hands in his pockets, he lowered his head and slunk closer to the sides of the buildings, shooting surreptitious glances over his shoulder. The man following him was cloaked, a hood shadowing his face. He could’ve been one of many that Ren had stolen from.

Turning back forward, he picked up his pace, practically running. He needed to shake this guy off. Even if he got to his apartment, he wouldn’t be safe there. There was doubt the series of locks he had put on his door would hold him back—not even knowing that Ren himself couldn’t pick them. What good were a few locks when one had a weapon sharp enough to break the door?

Darting down another alley, he went further into the slums, the streets growing narrower and the buildings crumbling on the edges. He found the metal door—the entrance to the one place he had a chance of ditching his follower—and banged on it four times. It opened within a second and he tossed the bouncer a single gold coin before bounding down the stairs and into the following room.

The roaring crowds assaulted his ears and Ren shoved into the pack of sweaty men. He glimpsed the two fighters in the pit—neither of them he recognized—and continued to shimmy his way towards the bar. As he went, he ripped off his noticeably luxurious coat and untucked his white tunic. He risked kneeling in the packed crowd and smeared his trousers in the mess of whatever shit was littering the floors. Back on his feet, Ren scrubbed a hand through his gelled hair, messing up the curls he had spent far too long perfecting that morning.

By the time he was finished, he was at the bar and pulled himself onto a sticky stool. “Whiskey,” he ordered. The man behind the counter pushed a glass in his direction within the next moment.

As Ren lifted the glass to his lips, he surveyed the crowd, looking for the cloaked man. He doubted he could find anyone in the throng. Not with the shadows cloaking the room in a dim darkness but for the bright torches surrounding the pit. Though, if he couldn’t find his pursuer, then his pursuer wouldn’t be able to find him.

Ren turned his eyes to the pit. He didn’t frequent the Lounge often—not anymore. When he had first begun to find his gift in thieving, it had been his favorite place. Surrounded with so many lustful and bloodthirsty men, slipping his hands into their pockets had been easy. Now, it didn’t provide the amount of money he needed to maintain his lifestyle.

Although the Lounge was a great place for pickpocketing, Ren had never bothered betting on the fights. He had been young and stupid enough to once place a bet against a small, Styrkish girl only to lose every last copper. He hadn’t bet again after that.

When he was sure he was safe—or safe as one could be in the Lounge—he pushed himself off the stool and tried to sneak out the door. He made it halfway before he felt a hand slip by his pockets.

Ren swung around and grabbed the hand of the boy trying to pickpocket him. He tried to tug his wrist away but Ren held firm.

“Why don’t you hand over whatever coin you stole and we’ll both go on our way.”

The boy tugged again. “Let me go!”

Ren sighed. “If you aren’t skilled enough not to get caught, you deserve losing whatever pocket change you stole. So, hand over my money.”

The boy lashed out and landed a fist on Ren’s jaw. Ren stumbled back, cursing. He didn’t like fighting. He was always more of a runner—lean and fast enough for it, too. But when his eyes narrowed on the little thief getting away through the crowd, Ren charged at him.

He tackled the boy to the ground, shoving his face into the grimy floors. “All you had to do was give me my money back, you little bastard,” he shouted.

“Get off me!”

The boy flipped Ren off and kicked him in the ribs. Ren curled in on himself and grabbed the boy’s ankle, pulling him down. He fell in a heap and Ren leapt on him, digging his knee into the boy’s chest. He slipped his hand in the boy’s pocket and grabbed his money.

The surrounding crowd began to take notice of the brawl and turned towards them. When the boy kicked Ren off, knocking him into one of the watching men, a few of the crowd jumped into the fight. The crowd swarmed around him, punching one another, their fists barely missing Ren. Now, he enjoyed a little chaos, but this was far more than he signed up for.

He scrambled to his feet and tried to push through the mob. He had his money back and now was his time to leave. The noise grew to the point of discomfort, and a fist landed in his gut, knocking the air from his lungs. Bodies shoved against him, knocking him down, then kicking him back up. A few arms struggled to pull the men apart to no avail.

In the fray, Ren’s hands automatically flicked to the men’s pockets, swiping the little coin they had. Realizing his misplaced focus, Ren turned towards the direction of the exit and crouched, using his lack of height to his advantage as he slipped through the men’s stomping legs.

When he finally broke out of the mob, he wasted no time in bolting for the thin staircase that would get him out. He made it to the street with no one on his tail and bolted towards his apartment, his torso and face throbbing.

He cursed as he ran, stumbling over his feet. Why the hell had he tackled that boy? He was rich enough as it was. If he just let the kid keep his change, he wouldn’t be in a fuck ton of pain.

Slowing his pace, Ren tentatively ran a hand over his ribcage, taking in a sharp breath. Nothing was broken but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt like a bitch.

When Ren turned down the street that led directly to his apartment, sure that nothing could make his night worse, he stopped, immediately proven wrong by the group of royal guards marching towards him.

“Fuck me,” he muttered. 


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Sun Jul 25, 2021 10:21 am
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi mordax,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

The introduction of the characters continues. So far I'm very curious to see how the meeting will take place.

What I liked about the chapter, like the previous one with Rieka, is that you don't introduce the character in a boring list of what his characteristics and personality are, but that you incorporate that flexibly and dynamically into the story, giving the reader the possibility to draw some conclusions without going into exactly what someone is.

I just got the impression that when Ren was being stalked, you didn't get the fear across that well. I wouldn't directly name it as a trait of his, but like in the current chapter I read, when he was looking for the sword, you portrayed that fear much better and more impressively.

I also liked the details you put in, bringing in Rieka without naming her, where he's in this fighting house and talking about this Styrkish girl. I think that's a great transition and creates an elegant link between the different worlds the characters live in.

What struck me about this chapter was that you always try to create the atmosphere as well as possible and also real and convincing. I like this structure and it gives the reader the opportunity to really get into the story. I also noticed that this chapter starts right away with Ren, whereas the last one took a little while with Rieka.

One last question that remains is whether the card game is real or whether you made it up? Because it sounds interesting. :D Also, and another question, (I don't know if this has been or will be mentioned anywhere) in what era would you set the story? I assume it's set in a fictional world, but at the moment (just because of the opium) I get the impression it could be set in the 19th century, if that's what's being considered.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




mordax says...


Thank you for this review! The game is made up and the era is pre-19th century, leaning more towards post-medieval.



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Thu Jul 01, 2021 1:36 am
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ShadowVyper wrote a review...



Heya mordax,

I'm back again! Excited to see where we head in this chapter, after the cliff-hanger in the last one. Let's jump on in...

The latter would’ve been the smarter move, but he was scared enough to completely disregard logic.


I think it might be good to build up that fear a bit more. Because as it is, he just seems to be walking a bit quicker. Hasn't even glanced back yet to see how close they are or who it is that's following him. It's clear he knows there's danger lurking out there for him, but I'm not seeing a whole lot of obvious fear from him at this point until you say so here.

When he finally broke out of the mob, he wasted no time in bolting for the thin staircase that would get him out. He made it to the street with no one on his tail and bolted towards his apartment, his torso and face throbbing.


You use "bolt" and "bolted" twice in two sentences and the repetition kind of stands out a bit.

“Fuck me,” he muttered.


omg that's such a mood xD

~

I really like how you're introducing us to each of your characters! It's really great to be able to see a snapshot of each one of them, in their "natural habitat" if you will. So we can see who they are and how they act at any given time, so then we have a good feel for each character before you eventually bring them all together. It feels like I'm getting to know each one independently and it's really nice to see.

I also really like Ren as a character. Ambrose seems reluctant and a bit annoyed. Rieka seems impulsive and hotheaded. Ren seems charming and cocky. And I love every last one of them. I really like that you have such distinctive voices for each one. I know with my own writing it's easy to accidentally let the lines blur between the characters since it's me writing all of them. But you are doing a really great job of getting a distinct voice for each one.

I'm excited to see where you're taking us in chapter four!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)


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Wed May 26, 2021 11:57 pm
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starlitmind wrote a review...



HEYO FRIEND! I'm back for the next chapter :) Once again, I haven't read your previous reviews, so if I repeat something someone else has already said, I do apologize!

Being the most notorious thief in all of Reindale—perhaps all of Arlan—hadn’t come easy. But had it been worth it? As Ren grinned from the enclosed booth within the tavern—one mainly populated by rich pricks who had nothing better to do then pretend to slum with poor folk—he thought the cost had been very much worth it.


Ooh, Ren gives me Rieka vibes because of the stronger language and the way he describes other people (like "rich pricks"). Having him grinning while he does his thieving business gives a little insight on his character as well xD

The gentle smoke of opium managed to push its way past the thick curtains surrounding his booth


I feel like opium smoke wouldn't really be gentle? Because you described it as "pushing its way" past the thick curtains, so I think it wouldn't necessarily be strong, but more aggressive, if that makes sense xD

The owner sent the rich pricks to his booth, and Ren gave him a small percentage of his winnings. Ren shuffled the deck once more, relishing in the cards snapping over one another.


Ooh, are we about to see Ren's stealing in action? I'm curious if he's going to get caught this time or something since you're choosing to portray this scene :O

The rich men glanced at his hands with mute fascination before meeting his eyes.

“Uh,” one of the men muttered.


These men don't seem very confident at all. I like how you've constantly characterized them that way - from having them unconfidently entering the curtained area, from having them continuously say "um" and "uh," and also having them not being able to pick a card game or say no to the one Ren picked.

The goal is to end with four cards of any kind in your hand.


SPOONS, BUT ADVANCED.

But when you go to trade, you can lie to all your heart’s content.


Ah, this makes sense to have Ren play this game. We'll get to see just how deceptive he can be and how he is able to cheat his players. This is a nice way to indirectly characterize and introduce him c:

That was why they came to the tavern in the first place. For a taste of danger.


I find it pretty interesting that they're looking for a bit of danger when they seem pretty unconfident and unsure of themselves

So, they began. As they played, Ren stole another of the men’s watches and another’s ring.


I'm curious as to how he got those other watches and rings! I've seen one of the ways he's done it, but it might be interesting to see how Ren steals them during the actual game

Ren had approximately ten minutes from then until they would come running back, realizing they had been robbed.


Haha, I love this sentence, because you can tell from this that Ren has been doing this for a long time now. He's swiftly able to steal things, rigs the card games slyly, and knows how the men usually react and retaliate to being robbed

The latter would’ve been the smarter move, but he was scared enough to completely disregard logic.


I'm a bit surprised he's feeling spook, given how long he has been doing this for. He says he has a long list of enemies; wouldn't he be somewhat used to this by now? Or he just seems confident in general

There was doubt the series of locks he had put on his door would hold him back—not even knowing that Ren himself couldn’t pick them.


This could definitely be a me problem xD but I don't really think I understand the latter part of this sentence: "not even knowing that Ren himself couldn't pick them." If Ren can't pick them, doesn't that mean they're rather good locks? Because I feel like he'd be good at picking locks? Or perhaps I'm misunderstand what you're trying to say ^_^

The roaring crowds assaulted his ears and Ren shoved into the pack of sweaty men. He glimpsed the two fighters in the pit—neither of them he recognized


OHH IS THIS WHERE RIEKA HANGS OUT >.>

He had been young and stupid enough to once place a bet against a small, Styrkish girl only to lose every last copper.


AHHHH IS THAT RIEKA AHSDJFK

He had been young and stupid enough to once place a bet against a small, Styrkish girl only to lose every last copper. He hadn’t bet again after that.

When he was sure he was safe—or safe as one could be in the Lounge—he pushed himself off the stool and tried to sneak out the door. He made it halfway before he felt a hand slip by his pockets.


This may not be something you can avoid, but I'll just point it out just in case ^_^ There are an abundance of "He's" here, which I totally understand!! I don't think it's that big of a deal :p but if you're looking to change that, perhaps you could slip in Ren's name once somewhere in there?

When Ren turned down the street that led directly to his apartment, sure that nothing could make his night worse, he stopped, immediately proven wrong by the group of royal guards marching towards him.


Oh oh oh this is super interesting!!! So first Rieka, now him. I wonder how they are all connected? >.>

I love how you have these different perspectives, who have met unknowingly in the past, and are soon going to meet for real in the near future xD they each have their own paths and stories, but in someway, they are all connected to each other, and their stories will soon intertwine. I like how you introduced them all at once and are going to have them, I assume, all end up in the same place. It keeps the suspense suspended longer, because I still don't know why those guards took Rieka, but you are adding on to it even more with having Ren taken away too. It's all building on each other, and I'm excited to see how it gets unfolded c:

I hope my rambling made sense xD I think it got too wordy oops, but hopefully you can follow along :) Anyway, as always, I can't wait to read the next chapter! Your writing really does feel super professional, I feel like I'm reading a published novel 0.0




mordax says...


Thank you so much again for this wonderful review!!



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Tue Mar 30, 2021 11:53 pm
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Riverlight wrote a review...



Hey, mordax! I'm just going to jump right back into this and see if I can get at least three of these reviewed in the next few hours, so be expecting a few more notifications from me xDD

Being the most notorious thief in all of Reindale—perhaps all of Arlan—hadn’t come easy. But had it been worth it? As Ren grinned from the enclosed booth within the tavern—one mainly populated by rich pricks who had nothing better to do then pretend to slum with poor folk—he thought the cost had been very much worth it.

Okay, so, already I have a few different things to say. Description is still a bit of an issue here, but this is right at the start-- maybe you'll surprise me? Also, instead of "he thought the cost had been very much worth it" at the end, you could simply say "it had." Or, if you wanted to slip some description in here, you could say that "The jingling of coppers in his pocket told him that it had" or something along those lines.

The gentle smoke of opium managed to push its way past the thick curtains surrounding his booth, along with the scent of ale. Ren reshuffled his deck of cards, waiting for—
A throat cleared beyond the curtain. A slow smile spread over Ren’s face. “Enter,” he said in the haughtiest voice he could muster.

The longer dash marks here are getting to be a bit repetitive (hypocritical of me, right? XDD) Maybe rehash this in your brain a bit and change the sentence structure and make use of conjections-- for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so. Those words are life savers, trust me! uwu

The crimson curtain was pulled aside and three men entered, obviously new to the gig. “Um,” one of the men said, glancing around, his hands fidgeting. He straightened his brown overcoat that Ren supposed was meant to appear deplorable, but with the silver stitches and immaculate threadwork, there was no doubt it had cost a fortune. “The person at the bar said we could play cards here?”

Instead of using "said" alongside "Um," you could maybe describe how the man looks a bit put off by the scenery or something, or use "mumbled" or a similar word to give off the vibe that I think you're going for here.

The rich men all slid into the booth. Normally, men didn’t go into private booths to play cards, but that was part of Ren’s and the tavern owner’s agreement. The owner sent the rich pricks to his booth, and Ren gave him a small percentage of his winnings. Ren shuffled the deck once more, relishing in the cards snapping over one another.

You don't need the comma after booth, I make that same mistake a lot. >.<

“Oh, it’s easy. I’ll teach you. But first…” Ren stuck a hand out of the curtain and called, “Four ales!” Within seconds, the curtain was pulled back and the broad, scarred owner set the ales before them. When he moved to leave, Ren winked at him.
“Okay, now that that’s taken care of,” Ren said, taking a gulp of the ale. “Shoulder Pass is an easy enough card game.” He began dealing the cards swiftly. “It’s a game of deception and trickery. The goal is to end with four cards of any kind in your hand.”

It'd be best to combine these into a single paragraph as it still has the same speaker. It also gives you a chance to add more ~detail~ and ~flavor~ to Ren's personality.

The men eyed each other, their enthusiasm growing. That was why they came to the tavern in the first place. For a taste of danger. What they didn’t know was that the only danger they were in was losing all their money.

I want you to ignore what I said about dashes a minute ago and replace the period after "the first place" with a dash. xD In my honest opinion, it helps it read a bit better, and it also smooths the transitions a bit. c:

So, they began. As they played, Ren stole another of the men’s watches and another’s ring. When the game ended, Ren winning—unsurprisingly, as the game had been rigged from the start—the other men sighed and handed over their pouches of money.

He stole their things and rigged the game, but... how? This is the perfect example of telling and not showing. It'd be best to elaborate on this as it shows us how skilled and adept Ren really is at thievery.

Again, I really loved this chapter, and your dialogue was excellent! ^-^

Have a nice [*insert time of day here*]!!!

~Vilnius




mordax says...


Thank you for your wonderful review!!



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Sun Feb 28, 2021 9:20 pm
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SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hi mordax!

This will likely be a shorter review because I don't have much to say about this section! I thought this was your smoothest chapter, because you struck a good balance between voice and description, so I didn't find any lines that strayed from the voice of the character. Also, I quite liked that you set up a connection between Reika and Ren from the setting of the Lounge, so that was neat! I'm excited to see how their interactions will play out later :)

I thought this chapter did a good job of showing us how Ren thinks, from how the set up a card game to be rigged in his favor and also so that he could easily touch the guys in his booth to distract from the fact that he was stealing from them. Though, I was curious to see how the game itself would have played out, because it could have given you more opportunity to show the tricks Ren had. Did he have cards up his sleeves? Did he rig the deck so that he knew when he should draw? Did he smooth talk his way out of sticky situations? It would've been another layer that add on to his characterization that I definitely would have been interested in seeing.

The latter would’ve been the smarter move, but he was scared enough to completely disregard logic.


This was one of the only lines that struck me as a bit odd, because Ren's voice up until now had been completely calm and collected, and he even described his enemies in a matter-of-fact tone. I'd completely missed the "picked up the pace" line from the start of the sentence, so it didn't seem like he was scared at all. Similar to what Honora suggested, it would help to add a bit more emotion to those thoughts, maybe trying to show his calm, professional demeanor shaking the more he thought about being followed. It would be a good contrast to how we see him at the beginning and also in the Lounge, when he's in his element.

He risked kneeling in the packed crowd and smeared his trousers in the mess of whatever shit was littering the floors.


I'm a bit confused why he knelt at this moment? Is it so that he blends in a bit more?

The last thing I wanted to mention is how do the guards know exactly where the characters are going to be? In the last chapter, it didn't feel too out of place because it seems like Reika frequents the lounge and it's possible the guards knew where to look for her. But with Ren, it was established that he moves around a lot, he's good at evading people, so how would the guards know where to look, at least so deliberately? Just something I was wondering.

Other than those small points, I'm excited to read on! I'm glad that we've gotten to meet a few more of our supposed protagonists, and I can see how there various skills would help them out on whatever quest they're about to embark on. I just hope we're not left waiting too long to see what that quest is, haha.

Happy writing!
~ Wolfe




mordax says...


Thank you again for this wonderful review!! And I agree with your points. As for how the guards found Ren, it does tie in with the plot, though in a bit of a conspiratorial way... :)



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Thu Jan 14, 2021 3:53 pm
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LUNARGIRL wrote a review...



I loved your first paragraph and how you introduced the character. In my opinion the second chapter is still the best but that's only because I loved all the fighting and action in it. Each character is so different from each other and all their personalities are great. It was ironic though when he ended up tackling a little boy whos just in the same situation as him when he was little. Then after he goes back outside and everyone is still fighting in there he realizes he just should have let the kid take the money. The card game was also an interesting part, I felt like it did not totally make sense when I was reading it. I feel like you could have gone a little bit deeper into the character like in the last chapter. I also feel like I still don't fully know what the characters look like, so all that comes up when I think about them is a blurry picture.

Besides that, I love how you have been writing each chapter, this is a very interesting story you have here, and I hope you finish it. Can't wait to read what you write next!

Carpe diem,
LUNARGIRL




mordax says...


Thank you for these suggestions! I will definitely try to add these descriptions when editing.



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Wed Jan 06, 2021 3:49 pm
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Honora wrote a review...



Annnd I'm back for a review! :D I'll just jump right into it since you already know how I roll ;)

So I found very little to nitpick in this chapter which is awesome. It's always nice to see work smooth itself out with time. The only thing I did see was that I felt more disconnected from this character, although not by much. It was just a little different and in a way it could be good if you plan on changing POV's every chapter. It would switch up the connection to each character and that way, it wouldn't get too overwhelming with too much repetition.

Anyways, back to my original point...if you added a few snippets while he's running away of the fear or desperation or whatever it is he was feeling in there, it could go a long way. You show us how he feels but don't really enforce it on us, if that makes sense? As an example of what you could have written:

Example sentence: His heart pounded in his chest as he ran from the unknown danger behind him. He picked up his pace, practically running down the alleyway. A knew found fear echoed in his mind as he imagined the worst possible scenario. He needed to shake this guy off before he went nuts with the endless possibilities.

Of course, this is just an example and there's no reason to switch your writing if you've planned it this way. Or if you like the idea that I randomly thought of up there :-P Either way, you're writing is amazing...like truly amazing. I'm so very jealous of your talent and although my writing is alright, it's sad to see it in comparison to this!

I think what I love the most is that each character has a very distinct personality. I don't get the same feeling with each one and I love that. There are books I've written where they all have the same traits and after a while, it gets boring as hell to read/write. So awesome for you!

I do really find it ironic that he tackled a boy that mirrored himself as a child XD. It's like, DUDE! You know what that kid is going through! Leave him alone! XD I was a little surprised by his reaction to it actually. Before that, I was getting a very chill/professional feeling from him but for him to react as he did...mystery! There must be a little anger...a little bitterness...something! I'm very excited to see what you have in store for my poor little entrapped mind ;)

Your friend,
Honora




mordax says...


Thank you again!! I love your suggestion! And, I am sure your writing is amazing too. Everyone writes in different styles so I think its always hard to compare who's the best because everyone is great in their own way. And judging from your recommended snippet to add, you are a wonderful writer.



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Tue Jan 05, 2021 8:26 pm
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mordax says...



@Honora

Do I tag you like this? I'm not entirely sure how this site works yet...




Honora says...


Yeah this is one way to do it but I%u2019ve learned a trick to get people to notice my book more so I%u2019ll let you in on the secret! :-P if you do exactly this but post it on your wall, more people notice it ;)



Honora says...


Yeah this is one way to do it but I%u2019ve learned a trick to get people to notice my book more so I%u2019ll let you in on the secret! :-P if you do exactly this but post it on your wall, more people notice it ;)




See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. Ask for no guarantees, ask for no security.
— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451