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Sleep-stained lines written during the winter solstice, December 21, 2020

by Rook


I am convinced that I belong on Mars
where there are 25-hour days.

Or rather, I think I am from beyond
this system, from a planet with 27 hours.

Today, after shattering my sleep cycle
into incomprehensible fragments

for the twentieth time in an Earth year,
I gasp at the sun, whose winter face

I haven't seen in nearly a month
(sleeping through the short days as I did).

But breaking the 8am to 4pm sleep cycle
(now rising at 3 in the ever-loving morning),

I watch her full-bodied beams drench
the afternoon snow--sunset at 4pm.

Today, the winter solstice heralds
heavy sheets of clouds and fog,

sandwiching the sun who peeks shyly through.
The sky blushes pink, and lilac spreads over

snow-swathed wheat fields. Tonight,
like old-timey farmers, I sleep with the sun.


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6 Reviews


Points: 276
Reviews: 6

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Thu Jan 20, 2022 4:20 am
naazmemonn wrote a review...



this is such an excellent piece. im not a very experienced writer myself and i know not the first thing about meaningful helpful reviews but i absolutely adored this. mostly because i feel like i relate to the "shattered" sleep cycle youve referred to. the subtle transition you made from talking about planets in outer space to nature right here on earth is nice to read. words like shattering fragments; i believe, really brings out the essence of how devastating it feels to not wake with the sun.

the usage of brackets is also quite interesting. i could almost feel the chill of the winter solstice because of the amazing way in which you have written it. truly a treat for the eyes.




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332 Reviews


Points: 10657
Reviews: 332

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Sun Dec 27, 2020 9:02 pm
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Blackwood wrote a review...



This has really nice imagery, I like it very much. There are so many lines which use really beautiful language. I especially like this line "I watch her full-bodied beams drench".

I also really like the use of punctuation and the splitting of sentences per line to give a really appealing visual to the poem. I think my least favorite part is the first two stanzas, like, maybe one or the other would have been enough? But what do I know, I really liked all of it and was trying to find something at all to critique.

I used to write really comprehensive reviews back in the day, but I feel like I no longer have the expertise to do that. (Not that I was ever an expert, I was just more creative). Overall this is very relatable, I used to sleep at ridiculous hours but now that I have a full time job I'm sleeping like a grandma.




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110 Reviews


Points: 18
Reviews: 110

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Fri Dec 25, 2020 4:23 pm
InuYosha wrote a review...



Mood.

Big mood.

I love the meter of this poem and especially its unpredictable progression!

First off, I want to say that I like the ABCA rhyming of the first part (Mars, days, beyond, hours):

I am convinced that I belong on Mars
where there are 25-hour days.

Or rather, I think I am from beyond
this system, from a planet with 27 hours.


However, this rhyming does not continue throughout the rest of the poem, and that kind of fragments the stability of the poem. If the Mars:Hours rhyme was not intentional, then you can ignore this. Either way, when rhyming, one must keep steady to their "Routine". I personally do not prefer poems that don't rhyme, but that's just my opinion.

You also use the word "Cycle" twice at the end of two different lines. Since they are so far apart, this would kinda sorta be a bit redundant. Different word choice would be better and easier considering the case that you aren't using many rhymes in this poem.

The first part of the poem seems as if you are trying to amuse the reader, but it quickly grows into something more abstract.

"Sleep with the sun" and "Sky blushes pink" are examples of perfect poem metaphorism.

Well, other than that, there isn't much else to say. Great poem!

Bon Voyage!

-y0sH!





Lots of times you have to pretend to join a parade in which you're not really interested in order to get where you're going.
— Christopher Darlington Morley