I go out to the bench again and lie on it with my
right hand holding the plate with my snack. Then I sit down because I realize I
want to eat it and eat lying down can make you choke, which is really
unpleasant. I once choked at a dinner I had with Yaron, when Avi and Yair were
elsewhere in the house. I ate bread with tahini and then I couldn't breathe and
didn't understand why. Turns out I got a piece of it stuck in my throat because
I didn't chew it enough.
Yaron looked at me but he didn't say anything, and
he was also younger so he probably didn't understand what was happening. I
looked ahead and tried to cough but I couldn't. My eyes really stoodout with tears from not getting any air into my
body. I squirmed in my seat and patted Yaron on the shoulder and back so he'd
help me or call someone to help me. I felt like I was going to the hospital in
a moment.
After a few seconds he started crying and pointed
at me.
I heard Yair saying "What happened?"
without concentrating. "Did you get hit, sweetie?"
I kept trying to cough and weird wheezing and
noises started coming out of me. I heard footsteps and then I saw Avi and when
he saw Yaron pointing at me, screaming, he also asked "What
happened?" Then he saw me and panicked. He was very startled and ran and
patted really hard my back and shouted "Yair! Come here quickly! He's
choking!" And then I realized I was chocking.
Yair ran to the kitchen and picked me up from the
chair even though I knew how to stand and I started to get really dizzy. I saw
Yaron screaming and Avi holding him and stroking his hair while covering his
eyes and telling him that everything was fine. I felt like everything was
not-fine. Yair said nothing and just pressed my stomach really hard with his
hands while he held me in the air so I was with my back on his stomach. He did
it again and again, I thought I was dead like mom was.
Then suddenly I felt something moving in my
throat, and I managed to cough a bit. Avi shouted at me to keep coughing as
much as I could so that it would come out and I really tried to. Yair held me
in front of the sink and then suddenly a nasty lump of bread came out of my
mouth like a missile was fired from there.
Yair put me back on the floor and I fell and
continued to cough and I shed a few tears from not breathing for a long time.
Avi patted on my back a little more.
I coughed so many times and felt like I was
vomiting my insides out. Yair brought me a glass of water. Yaron started to cry
less and Avi wiped his tears every few seconds.
"I'm fine," I whispered to Yaron in a
hoarse voice and then I coughed over and over again so I took another sip of
the water. "Don't worry."
Yair didn't say a word to me after that that moment
for the rest of the day, except "if you'd chew properly, instead of
day-dreaming all day, you won't choke." But I manage to do both.
After the sunrise I went back inside and washed my
plate. I had a bit of a hard time concentrating on Miss Sun today. I was
thinking mostly of Mom. Sometimes it happens to me. I call it Momornings.
I thought about how I was told she was dead. I
thought about how we played basketball once, and we both couldn't score a
basket at all. I thought about how she doesn't know Avi and Yaron.
Keren the teacher once told me I could cry if I
wanted to, when I said something about Mom, but I didn't. I never cried over
that. In general, I never cry. It's not because I'm trying to look mature and
strong, it's because nothing makes me cry. When Mom died, I didn't talk about
it either. No one talked to me about it. It was as if there were Mom, and then
suddenly she is not only disappeared, but also never really existed. I can't
even know if she really was here, because I don't have pictures of her. Maybe I
was just imagining her? Maybe I was always with Yair and I had a made-up
mother? No. probably not. Actually, I'm sure not. Otherwise no one would be the
one who gave me my name, Forest.
Now no one is home anymore except me. Keren should
arrive in one more minute. I sit in our study area which is between the
living-room and the kitchen. It is a round wooden table with an adjustable lamp
on it and two cream-colored chairs facing each other.
A knock on the door, it's Keren. I open it for her.
She has the bag and the shoes and the glasses she always has.
"Good morning, Forest!" She shouts, but
not angrily. As she enters I think of something.
"Can you say good morning even if it was a
bad morning?" I ask.
"Did you have a crooked morning?" She asks
without answering me.
"No, but you had."
"what?"
"Your nose is all red
and looks like you cried, and it looks like you couldn't straighten your hair
today, and you have a coffee stain on your shirt. And you also shouted 'good
morning' like you were trying to convince yourself it was good."
"Oh, Forest,"
she sits down in the study area. "My nose is red because I have a little
cold and I blow my nose a lot, that's all," she shows me a crumpled tissue
she has in her hand. "I didn't have time to straighten my hair because
David made me the most amazing and sumptuous breakfast, and I got carried away
until I noticed the time!" David is her husband. "What else did you
say? Oh, it's not a coffee stain on my shirt, it's part of the pattern. You
see? There's another one like that here, and here, too," she stretches her
shirt and turned around herself to show me the stains. "And I didn't know
that it is no longer allowed to say 'good morning' in rejoicing!"
She said it all quickly
and with a smile.
It kind of made me a bit grumpy
because I like to imagine I'm Sherlock Holmes and that I can know everything
about people just watching them for a few seconds, and I did not succeed with
Keren. I sit down in front of her.
"And was your morning
good?" She asks as she pulls out her book and binder from her bag.
I don't know. I hardly
think about it. I try to start an answer but fail.
"What's considered
good?" I ask.
"Well, the meaning of
'good' is different for each person. I guess that if you enjoyed the morning or
even just had a nice time, then you had a good morning."
I am silent for a moment
and think of all the things that happened to me this morning. That my butt
itched at sunrise, and that I fell in the bathroom, and that the sandwich Avi
made for me was not tasty, and that Yair wanted me to get a haircut. There were
also things of pleasure like I ate the crackers. If I was thinking about Mom,
is it good or bad? It was pleasant, but also made me sad.
I shrug. But why did Yair
want me to get a haircut?
"Sometimes there are
mornings like that too," she says as if I had explicitly told her I had a
bad morning. "Let's do something and make the day better."
She opens ou-her laptop -
which is a computer that is hers but also a bit mine because I use it almost
every day. It's ou-hers. My brain stings. I try to understand why Yair wanted
me to get a haircut.
We study literature, and I
nod to Keren from time to time and say "yes" when she asks things,
but my mind is barely in our lesson. It's like he went for a walk to Dafna's
house and forgot his body at home. But the body can't run after him on the way
to Dafna's house, because he is studying literature now. So he stays home and
gets mad at the brain. Instead of words on the computer screen and on the pages
of the book, I see 'Why did Yair want me to get a haircut?' a hundred times.
Dafna has black hair, like
me, but not curly. Her hair is straight. And she has bangs, which is both on
the sides of the forehead and a little in the middle of it. She has very dark
brown eyes, and I always like her earrings. She's as tall as I am, so it's not
like looking at Yair who is twenty centimetres taller than me, or like looking
at Yaron who is twenty centimetres shorter than me; This is exactly the right
height.
We hardly talk, Dafna and
me. Rarely, she'd says things, and I'd answer.
I met her for the first
time a year after I moved here and took a walk near the house. I think her name
is Dafna because I followed her to her house that day, and saw that it was
written on the mailbox: "Here we live in peace: Naama, Amir, Dafna and
Tom" and I liked the name 'Dafna' the most so I chose it. I wonder if her
name is actually Naama. Or Tom. Or Amir? Well, I don't wonder about it anymore.
Sometimes I see her just
like that in the street and she looks at me and pulls her ear, I never know why
she does that, and sometimes I intentionally go to her house and look around.
I'm not waiting for her, but if she sees me from the window she pulls at her
ear, and I make a face. Each time I make a different face.
"Right?" I hear
Keren say.
"Yes," I freeze.
She gives me a blaming look.
"I said giraffes live
underwater. I checked to see if you were listening."
"No, they don't live
underwater, they are listening. I mean-- I am listening," I straighten up
in my chair. Why did Yair want me to get a haircut?
"You look tired.
Drunk some water, it will wake you up," she says with impatience that she
is trying to hide. I get up and go to the kitchen to fill a glass with water
while moving the hair from my face and thinking about Yair wanting me to get a
haircut.
I bring my glass to the
table, take a sip and place it. On the way there I look at the clock and see
that an hour has passed since Keren came. What have I been doing all this time?
I sit down and use the
table to get closer with the chair and then suddenly I also move the table by
mistake and the glass falls to the side and all the water is spilled and I hear
Keren gasp. All the water is on the computer now and the glass rolls and almost
falls off the table but Keren grabs it while I am frozen in my seat. She shouts
at me to bring a towel and I run to get a towel and look in the kitchen and
after eternity I find and bring one. She put it on the laptop she had picked up
from the table and placed it on the rug so it would soak up some of the water
as well.She presses the power
button and waits a few seconds. Nothing happens. She now repeatedly and
obsessively presses the button.
Click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click--
"enough!!!" I
shout. She stops pressing without looking at me. We are both quiet. The
computer no longer works. "I'm sorry," I whisper. I destroyed ou-her
computer.
She gets up from the
carpet and picks up the computer. I cover it with a towel like covering a dead
person.
"We'll have to learn
from the books today," she says with a blank stare. I know she's mad at
me.
The whole day was boring.
And also terribly annoying. Keren was nervous and didn't laugh at all. We
didn't do any funny-nonsense-mess-arounds, and only learned not so interesting
things. If she wasn't nervous they would be interesting, I think. Even though I
was nervous too. When she left I stayed in the study area until the evening. I
sat there in my spot, put my feet on my chair and hugged my knees. My head
feels like a pool with sinking words. I feel like I'm falling asleep now, still
there in the study area. Then Yair comes into the house. He sweats with an
orange dri-fit shirt, black sports shorts and a pink sweatband on his forehead.
"Can't I trust
you?" He asks. how would I know?
"Eh? You keep doing
nonsense, no matter how much we talk about it!" He shouts to the air. But
he is wrong. We don't talk about it. He talks about it.
"We don't--"
"what were you
thinking about?" He interrupts me. I don't answer at first because I'm not
sure what he means.
"Eh? When you spilled
the water on Keren's computer, what were you thinking of--"
"It's ou-her
computer, not--"
"Oh, God, enough with
that, Forest!" He breathes heavily. "You are constantly daydreaming!
You must understand that you are not living in a world of your own. Get out of
this bubble, that's all I'm asking for! It will benefit everyone, including
you," he says in succession and then pauses. "This computer costed
money."
Now there is silence.
"Where is
Yaron?" I ask. He usually returns from kindergarten at three in the
afternoon. Yair doesn't answer. Instead he looks at his cell phone and after a
few seconds starts walking to the bedroom. "Where is Yaron," I say
again. But this time in a whisper.
I spill from the chair to
the floor and lie on my back. I move my arms and legs like angels do in the
snow. Then I decide to go to Dafna's house. I get up, put on my shoes and open
the door. Avi and Yaron are there.
"Where to?" Avi
asks. I see Yaron playing with green plastic dinosaurs in the air.
"To Dafna's house."
"Who is she, that
Dafna girl?" He asks as he enters with Yaron, through me.
"I don't know,"
I answer honestly. He grins.
"Did you told Yair
you were going?"
"Yes," I reply
without thinking. My heart is pounding, my head is getting heavy, my legs are
starting to shake, the room is unstable. I try not to move.
"Okay. Hey, what
happened to the laptop today?" He's stopping me from running away. I'm
trying to put out words.
"I des... I destroyed
it with," I swallow, "with water."
"On purpose?" He
asks in surprise as he takes Yaron's hoodie off. I shake my head. Saving words.
And then I do an awful mistake.
"Where was
Yaron?" I ask instead of running away, and it makes my heart beat terribly
hard. Why did I continue the conversation?
"In the playground,
and I even got two dinosaurs," Yaron replies. I can barely listen.
"Okay, I'm
going," I say quickly before I make another such stupid mistake. Before
Avi can finish his 'bye' I'm already out the door. I walk fast and it becomes a
run. I don't think I really run that fast but inside my body it feels like I am
an athlete. At the exit of the path I take the small bicycle that Yair bought
me a little after mom died and get on it and pedal intensively. I imagine that
Avi and Yaron and especially Yair are in this world as I go through the speed
of light and enter a separate world where no one can find me.
I'm riding to Dafna's
house. One moment after I decide I'm actually not riding to Dafna's house. I'm
going to Mom's previous house.
My heart and head are still
beating and my brain plays 'Did you told Yair?' "Yes," "Did you
told Yair?" "Yes," "Did you told Yair?" 'Yes,' over
and over again. This was the first time I've lied in my life.
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