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by Buranko


Do you ever
Find yourself in front of
a fireplace all ready to relax?
Tea, books, a cat to pet,
Everything is there.
But, often, something is missing.

Ahh, it's the fire!
What fire may be good
for a fancy person?
Well here at DragonAde we sell
The best flames that ever
Appeared in our galaxy.

Top quality, lively
Strands of heat and light
Gathered from across the Universe.
For the energetic folk.
But if you prefer something natural,
We recommend Organic fire,
Throat produced by our specialists
In a controlled environment.

Today we recommend
Blue fire, harvested
From the core of planet Neptune,
The heat is gentle, flavoured with mint
For extra coolness.
Suitable in a hot day, for barbecue
purposes.
30% off only today, buy it quick.


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7 Reviews


Points: 3
Reviews: 7

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Tue Oct 20, 2020 11:05 pm
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cidrianwritersguild wrote a review...



I love how in the beginning it starts as your standard 1900s poem about life and the emptiness it has. It kind of reminds me of "The Love Story of J. Alfred Prufrock" and then it's like some random guy who's hopped up on Red Bull comes along and decides to offer the author some sort of cash deal as long as he plugs the lighters. I've never read a poem like this before, and it's the best.




Buranko says...


Thank you, you are so sweet



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44 Reviews


Points: 2445
Reviews: 44

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Mon Oct 19, 2020 5:34 am
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Euphoria8 wrote a review...



I love the idea of this poem SO MUCH. Like seriously, a poem slash advertisement about DRAGONADE, A FIRE SHOP?????? SIGN ME UP!

Whatcha mentioned a whole lot of the things that I wanted to point out on their review so thank you for beating me to it, whatcha!

I think my favorite part is the way you described the Blue Fire!

"From the core of planet Neptune,
the heat is gentle, flavoured with mint
for extra coolness."

AGGGHH I WANT IT!! (I kinda want to eat it too...mint fire...sounds delicious)

I love your poems so much and looking forward to your next one! Thank you for sharing and keep growing <3




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7 Reviews


Points: 461
Reviews: 7

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Sun Oct 18, 2020 2:04 pm
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piyaliarchives says...



This is a fun idea. Nice concept, at first when I saw the title, I thought it was an advertisement. I mean really, I thought someone was promoting their poem. This is a good advertisement if I saw this on TV, I would definitely buy this. Have a great day!




Buranko says...


Hehe I am glad I achieved the desired effect, now call 911 and have the DragonAde delivered right at your doorstep





@Buranko Will sure do!



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298 Reviews


Points: 22800
Reviews: 298

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Sun Oct 18, 2020 12:32 am
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whatchamacallit wrote a review...



Hi there Buranko! I saw this fun poem of yours in the green room and thought I'd drop by for a review!

First of all, I think it's super fun and creative to design a poem like an advertisement. It works quite well for a playful, engaging read, which I think is what you're going for with this - and I like the effect!

You do a great job of capturing the tone of an advertisement -> addressed to the reader with "you", overly-exaggerated statements ("The best flames that ever / Appeared in our galaxy"), and an almost forceful description of the reader. You're implying that the reader has found themself in front of a fireplace ready to relax, that they are a fancy, sophisticated person who needs some fancy, sophisticated flames.

I just realized ironically I have a video of a fireplace playing on my phone next to me because it helps me relax. I guess you could say I'm the target audience of this commercial!

One small suggestion I have is to cut some of the longer lines in half. There's nothing definitively bad about variation in line length, and a bit of it is actually quite good, but personally I'm finding some of the longer lines are breaking the flow, visually and rhythmically. The main culprits are these two lines:

Find yourself in front of a fireplace all ready to relax?

What fire may be good for a fancy gentleman?

You can split them up however you like, of course, but I personally think something like this would be effective:
Find yourself in front of
a fireplace, all ready to relax?

and
What fire may be good
for a fancy gentleman?


Also, the use of these two rhetorical questions definitely adds to the commercial-eqsue feel!

While we're here, I just want to mention one little thing. Personally, I always find it slightly off-putting when an author presumes the gender of their reader ~ you probably just chose the word "gentleman" because of the tone and image it evokes, but I'd suggest seeing if you could find a similar word, with the same sort of vibe, that is more gender-neutral. Maybe "fancy citizen", "fancy civilian", or even just "fancy lady or gentleman"?

I like how you describe different types of fire -> "Top quality, lively / Strands of heat and light", "Organic Fire", and "Blue fire". It reminds me of how commercials will go on about all the different variations and flavours of something you can get. It's also great that you incorporate some imagery in lines like the one describing top-quality fire - I love the image of "strands of heat".

My only big critique would be of the last stanza.
Today we recommend
Blue fire, harvested
From the core of planet Neptun,
The heat is gentle, flavoured with mint
For extra coolness.
Suitable in a hot day, for barbecue purposes.
30% off only today, buy it quick.

The way you've worded it just feels a bit contradictory to me? Describing heat as "cool" doesn't really work for me. I pretty sure you made that contradiction on purpose, and I totally understand why you'd do that - it adds more complexity and levels to the poem, for one - however I'd suggest either really digging into it, and emphasizing the contradiction, or keep everything consistent. As it is it feels a little bit accidental and doesn't make much sense.

(Also, super small, but Neptune needs an 'E' on the end.)

Anyway, having said that, I do like the description of flames being "flavoured with mint". It creates not only an image of flavourful flames, but also tinged with blue-green colour, perhaps numbing to the touch, and that smell fresh and minty. That's a lot of bang packed into three words!

One last thing I liked is how you used "scientific"/"academic" language, the way advertisements often do to make their products seem reliable. Phrases like "produced", "specialists", "controlled environment", "harvested / From", stuff like that works really well to create a consistent tone.

Overall, this was a fun and engaging read! I hope this review is helpful, and if you've got any questions feel free to ask!

Keep writing!

whatchamacallit




Buranko says...


Hmmmm, I agree that I should not direct it towards omly one gender. Thanks whatcha for your review.



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8 Reviews


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Sat Oct 17, 2020 10:23 pm
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Wallflower23 wrote a review...



I absolutely love this. I love the imagery of the first stanza and totally relate to sitting down all ready to read but then realizing that Ive forgotten something.

I also really like the idea of asking the audience "What fire may be good for a fancy gentleman?" Mostly because then I'm thinking 'yes I AM a fancy gentleman. Yes I do want some fancy fire in my fireplace." which is a very fun thought to have.

Then the last two stanzas are just a pile of good fun. The energetic fire makes me think that its a bunch of strands of different colored fire flickering together, enchanting and mesmerizing.

I don't know if it would mess with the structure but I will say that I think that when you. start talking about the natural organic fire you may want to start that as a new stanza since its a new idea and then all the different fires described will be separate.

I really like the portion that says "Throat produced by our specialists" because it makes me think that a tiny dragon will just be chilling in your fire place and makes the fire when you ant to be warmed up. I believe he is adorable and named Leo.

Finally I really like how the blue fire is "mint flavored for extra coolness." honestly this whole stanza is just perfection. The description and the connection to another planet is so lively and different its really enjoyable. Also the idea of mint flavored barbecuing is hysterical.

Overall really fun and enjoyable to read.

Thank you for sharing!!




Buranko says...


Thank you for reviewing




Some call me a legacy, others call me a hero. But I assure you, dear admirers, I am only human.
— Persistence