Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
Fall back asleep.
Wake up, curse myself for falling back to sleep and completely wasting the morning - I mean come on, goddamn it Rix! It’s ten o’clock in the freaking morning! You were gonna do something productive today. Maybe get up and shower for the first time this week. Then be adventurous and venture out of the apartment to get groceries. Then clean your apartment like you’ve been telling yourself you would for the past month. Then paint or draw or do something productive, and now you’ve completely fucked up the whole day because, face it, you’ll never get that time back!
After a thorough mental ass-whooping lay in bed and scroll on Pinterest for an hour and a half.
Oh my god! Have I really not gotten up to do anything yet? Well this is utterly ridiculous, I am utterly ridiculous… and hungry...
Get up and decide to scavenge through my depressingly sparse cabinets for sustenance while I wait for the kettle to boil. Make myself a cup of tea and some pathetic looking toast with nothing on it because I forgot jam the last time I was at the grocery store and I’m also out of everything else. But let's be real, getting groceries is kinda stressful right now with death looming outside my doorway and whatnot, so it’s not like I was gonna go back for the jam anyway.
Stumble back to my room like a drunk Phi Phi Delta girl on a Friday night and belly flop into bed. Why am I stumbling like a drunk sorority girl? I don't know, that’s a great question. Let me answer it for you: I haven’t even had anything to drink. Maybe it's just that somehow I’m still half asleep, or maybe I have a Vitamin D deficiency cause I haven't seen the sun in a million years, or maybe I’m growing weak from living off of toast and tea like a damn Brit.
Turn over into the spot of sunlight leaking through the window onto my bed and stretch out like a cat. Curl around my phone in the warmth of the rays while I stare at the ceiling, listening to a playlist that a friend made me and wonder what the outside world is like.
Start to get really sad thinking about how right now I am lying in bed, perfectly healthy. Feel guilty that my worst problem right now is my boredom while concurrently someone else is lying in a hospital bed, fighting for their life and wishing they were only locked in their house. Feel my chest tighten painfully as the invisible string between myself and that person far north constricts to the point that I can almost feel the connection created between us by my mere thinking it into existence. Desperately send good vibes and well wishes down the cord now pulled taught between us, because dammit it just may do something.
Decide that I've gotten too existential for the day and make myself some tea to calm the fuck down. (Maybe I am turning into a Brit, damn. Siri, play Country Roads, Take Me Home.)
Hunker down in bed with the covers pulled up to my neck and pluck the book off the bedside table while sipping my tea. Make a mental note to switch and wash my sheets because the current ones are starting to smell too much like me, and I don’t like that. Note that I’m only on page 420 of this 1,200+ page book, and decide to not stop until I get to at least page 600 because lord help me, I will do something today.
Read like the goddamn adult that I am who can keep focused on my own, while ignoring my other responsibilities.
Notice that the book must have been printed on cheap paper or with cheap ink because when I rub my finger too hard on the page the ink smudges. Realize my fingers are lightly stained with black. My fingers are lightly stained with words.
Read until I get lost in the pages. Read until I forget I’m home alone. Read until I forget how lonely I feel. Read until I'm so enveloped in the lands of the story that I’m not sure I can find my way back. Read until I don’t want to find my way back. Read until I forget that there is a back to go to.
Start the long trek back to reality, and honestly maybe sanity too, as I hear the singing start again for the night and remember that there is still a world out there. Thank the gods that it's not opera tonight because I really can’t do more opera.
Slink into my kitchen and rummage through the cabinets like a burglar in the night. Remember that I live here and berate myself for acting like a psycho burgling my own home.
Throw open my kitchen window and smile at the neighbors whom I have never spoken to. See that one lady is going ham as she dances on her balcony. You go ma’am! Dance like there’s no tomorrow! Dance like nobody's watching! Wonder what the hell is wrong with me that I can’t dance with the carelessness and joy that seems to come and go with youth.
Decide to fuck that! I am an occasionally fun and free youthful person and I can enjoy myself if I damn well please. And I do damn well please! Put on some boppin jams that I can vibe with and start cooking dinner while dancing like a psycho in my kitchen. Pull a pop, a lock, a bump, a grind, and baby y'all know my hips don’t lie! Get strange looks from my neighbors for my antics as I scare away the birds in the tree outside. Belt showtunes at the top of my lungs into a wooden cooking spoon and only feel a little sorry for the neighbors who have to endure the sound of my singing voice which has been equated to the sound of a camel dying a slow and painful death.
Inhale my food because I don't know how to really sit and enjoy a meal despite living in Italy. Decide that I want to read more tonight because the characters have suffered enough, and I need to know what happens to them! But first I’m gonna make banana bread because those bananas have been sitting there for like a week and a half, and they are pretty much black at this point.
Take 15 minutes to pick something to watch on Netflix while I bake and end up watching Brooklyn 99 again because I’m a coward that can’t make decisions and is scared to try new things.
Make banana bread while becoming increasingly concerned about my taste in men as I again find myself continuously attracted to Jake’s character, who let’s be honest is a hot mess (Emphasis on the hot).
Pop that bun in the oven! Err… not bun… loaf… Pop that loaf in the oven?? Doesn’t have the same ring but that's okay. Set my timer and settle at the table with my book to find out what happens to my babies as I wait. Grab a cookie from the plate that I made the other night and realize that a house full of baked goods is both a dream and a nightmare as I need to undo the tie on my pajama pants.
Take that loaf out and try not to drool at the euphoric aroma it has drenched my apartment in. Trudge back to my room like a toddler being sent to the time-out corner for eating cookies before dinner and try to focus on reading and not how badly I want to slice into that banana bread which needs to cool and set.
Decide it’s been long enough and rush out to try that still oven warm bread. Moan in absolute bliss as I realize that I’ve finally freaking done it and made the perfect goddamn banana bread. Savor the moment because this may be one of the greatest in my life. Have another piece… then another, because it's too damn good to not be enjoyed warm! Cut one final piece because I need another. Realize I’ve eaten a third of the loaf. Try to feel guilty. Fail at feeling guilty.
Shamefully slink back to my room with that final piece of banana bread. Crawl into bed feeling a little naughty because I’m gonna get crumbs in my sheets. Decide I don’t care because A) I’m an adult who makes their own decisions, B) it’s not like anyone else is gonna be in my sheets and be irked by my filth, and C) I already promised myself that I would change them.
Keep reading cause I’m almost to the next section of this book and I’m sure it won’t take that long to get there. Promise myself that I will still go to bed at a reasonable hour so that I actually get up at a reasonable time tomorrow and don't waste the day like I did today.
When did it get this late?! Fuck me, I fucked up! Give myself a stern talking to about setting more reasonable expectations and being responsible. Force myself to put the book down and turn off the lights. Set 20 billion alarms so that I get up at a reasonable time even though I know they probably won't work. Nestle down into my blankets in that same way dogs do when they just can’t get comfy. Close my eyes and pray for the sweet release of unconsciousness.
Stare into the void of darkness around me and curse myself and the universe. Wish I was sleeping and know that there isn’t much I can do to change the fact that I am not sleeping. Close my eyes and try to take long deep breaths at the same rhythm as I would be if I was actually asleep.
Repeat until further notice.