Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Satire

18+ Language

God Makes a Deal with the Devil

by Vil


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

Note: This short in no way expresses my feelings or emotions regarding the Forty-fifth President. If you take this story as such, then you didn't read the warning, in which case *sigh* and *facepalm*. This work is purely satirical and created for humorous purposes.

"Yeah, yeah, I know I'm Satan," the Devil said as he drained his scotch, thick New York gangster accent standing out in the Southern bar, "but dat don't mean that I wanna take the rest of da Trump family into my arms, God, ya gotta understand that. They're a bunch of fecking weirdos, even I can't handle'em."

God, disguised as a generic farmer from Virginia, quietly said, "Keep your voice down, Lucifer, you never know who may be watching..." He trailed off, glancing around the room before turning his eyes back to the Devil. "Why did you choose a bar?"

"You said it was okay to drink in moderation, so I assumed you'd probably need a drink or ten before the night was out," the Devil huffed, shrugging his shoulders. "We're talking about da Trumps, after all, not Mother Theresa or, say, Pope Francis. Ultimate baddies here."

"What is it that you want me to do about it?" God sighed, half-tempted to order some wine. "He's not dead yet, and I don't comment on where people are going before they die--"

"I need a break from da Trumps," Satan interrupted. "Give them their own special hell, away from me, away from my normal sinners, and away from my liquor. You can't control them, they're driving us crazy down there, I've not slept since Fred joined us in '99. Gimme a break, God, please. It's too much for me, and I'm pure evil." The devil waved his hands around dramatically as he spoke, as if to emphasize every word.

Sighing, God said, "Lucifer, it doesn't work that way. I'm sorry, I really am. They're a really tough bunch to be with at times... What if we rotated them in schedules? You take them half the year, and I take them half the year?"

"Nah, I need a break, God, a permanent break. Surely there are prisons in heaven somewhere?"

The Lord shook His head, trying to think. "Can't you give them their own part of Hell?"

"And let them walk all over me? Well, why don't we just bring back Hitler, Stalin, and some of the others, give them their own parts of Hell? No, they'll all wanna piece of da action."

"What... what about their own private Hell?" He asked, an idea starting to form in his hell. "We let them run their own dimension and we send sinners there to suffer under the eternal reign of the Trumps."

A light bulb went off in Satan's head. "Yes. Yes, God, fuck, yes, that's perfect! Thank you! When do they leave?"

"Let's wait for the line to die out," God said thoughtfully. "Let them all adjust to it at once than let'em do it one by one."

"How long should that take?"

God looked at the watch on his wrist. "A hundred human years, so... three, two, one... There."

The Devil happily smiled, holding himself back from giving God a hug. "Thank you, God. We'll be sleeping peacefully tonight."

"Of course, Lucifer." Just as the Devil turned to leave, God called, "Don't forget to brush your teeth!" before returning to Heaven in a faint flash of light.

The End


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
7 Reviews


Points: 3
Reviews: 7

Donate
Tue Oct 20, 2020 11:00 pm
View Likes



I like how it makes Satan seem like a relatable guy in this story. He kind of reminds me of Norm from Cheers. The poor guy already has a terrible job and then something comes along that makes it even worse. And so, knowing he can't do anything about it, he decides to live in a bar and let other people help him with his problems. Easily the most flattering story about Satan I've ever heard.




Vil says...


XDD

Thanks for the review <3



User avatar
40 Reviews


Points: 2140
Reviews: 40

Donate
Mon Oct 19, 2020 6:52 am
View Likes
Euphoria8 wrote a review...



I freaking enjoyed this, this is amazing! XD I love stuff like this, especially ones that involve the all good God and the snarky as hell Satan (this reminded me a lot of The Wish List by Eoin Colfer which is a wonderful read by the way) and it really brought a little laughter into my day!

I love the devil's way of speaking lol. Those curse words, the "da Trumps" and "gimme a break" XDDD

I also love God's exasperation with this guy! Is there no end to the Devil's stupidity?? Haha, but then he's like "brush your teeth!" at the end XD

"The Devil happily smiled, holding himself back from giving God a hug." THE DEVIL'S SO FREAKING HAPPY HE DOESN'T HAVE TO TAKE DA TRUMPS IN THAT HE'S TEMPTED TO HUG GOD. LOLLLLL

Hehe, thanks for sharing and keep growing <3




Vil says...


Thanks for th review, glad you enjoyed it <3



Euphoria8 says...


You're welcome <3



User avatar
37 Reviews


Points: 4587
Reviews: 37

Donate
Sat Oct 17, 2020 9:12 pm
View Likes
ShadowQueen wrote a review...



Hey there! This was a well-written satirical short-story, and it was rather amusing. Thanks for the original content!

"Yeah, yeah, I know I'm Satan," the Devil said as he drained his scotch, thick New York gangster accent standing out in the Southern bar, "but dat don't mean that I wanna take the rest of da Trump family into my arms, God, ya gotta understand that. They're a bunch of fecking weirdos, even I can't handle'em."


I’m not sure this accent stands out as being a “thick New York gangster accent”, but it’s definitely some kind of accent.

"What is it that you want me to do about it?" God sighed, half-tempted to order some wine.


When God considers drinking, you know it’s serious.

"Nah, I need a break, God, a permanent break. Surely there are prisons in heaven somewhere?"


Prisons in heaven... What part of “heaven” does the Devil not understand? XD

"Let's wait for the line to die out," God said thoughtfully. "Let them all adjust to it at once than let'em do it one by one."

"How long should that take?"

God looked at the watch on his wrist. "A hundred human years, so... three, two, one... There."


I like this way of showing how a century feels like nothing to them!

"Of course, Lucifer." Just as the Devil turned to leave, God called, "Don't forget to brush your teeth!"


Headcanon: The Devil has the worst breath ever. Actually, that would have been a good description to use!

Enjoy your day! Keep up the good work! <3

- Shadow




Vil says...


Thanks



User avatar
19 Reviews


Points: 1012
Reviews: 19

Donate
Sat Oct 17, 2020 8:30 pm
View Likes
omer wrote a review...



That is so funny! I like how the devil and god get along and talk like two business-buddies, and I also like the way you use multiple synonyms!
I have two little notes about that sentence:

"Let's wait for the line to die out," God said thoughtfully. "Let them all adjust to it at once than let'em do it one by one."

First, I feel like it would sound better that way:
"Let's wait for the line to die out," God said thoughtfully. "It would be better to let them all adjust to it at once than let'em do it one by one."

Secondly, at the begginning of the story we hear Lucifer talking in a very shallow way, cursing, and speaking in an everyday speech. Even though the relationship between him and god looks friendly, I think there should still be a contrast between them. If the devil talks "like a bitch" ;) I think God should speak fluently, in a high language. So instead of what it is now, I'd write
"Let's wait for the line to die out," God said thoughtfully. "It would be better to let them all adjust to it at once than let'em let them do it one by one."



You are very creative and talented, great job!
Omer.




Vil says...


Thanks for the review <3



User avatar
7 Reviews


Points: 461
Reviews: 7

Donate
Sat Oct 17, 2020 6:10 pm
View Likes
piyaliarchives says...



This was short, funny and an interesting concept.
I like it.
Keep up the good work!

Peace





That, sir, is the most frightening battlefield in the world: the blank page.
— Larry McMurtry, Comanche Moon