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Something I Wrote In Seven Minutes

by looseleaf


(A/N: We had seven minutes to write something based on this prompt in English class.)

Prompt: You are a customer lying face down on the floor during a bank robbery. Describe the robbery from this vantage point.

It’s dark. Well, not really. In the corner of my eyes, I can see light, but I’m lying face down on the floor, not able to see anything.

How did I get on the floor, you ask? Don’t I have the story for you. I happen to be at the bank right now, trying to look dead. Three men, or, at least, I think they were men, pulled out guns and surrounded the bank tellers. I tried to stop them, like the good person I am. Boy do I wish I wasn’t a good person right now. They shot me in the arm twice, so I fell to the ground, taking my chance to get out of the situation.

“Twenty grand, now,” A husky voice yelled from behind me. I suppose the bank teller hesitated a bit too long, because they screamed again, “Now!”

“Yes, sir, sorry sir,” one of the ladies at the front desk squeaked. If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought it was a mouse talking.

There were a few tapping sounds and then the bank teller started walking farther away from the desk and back towards the vault. I remained there, laying on the floor.

There was the sound of crying coming from my right. Then, there was a few grunts, a child screaming, and the child began crying louder.

“Please, not the children!”

“Shut up!”

The child continued crying as the bank teller scampered back towards the desk. There was a small pause before anyone spoke.

“Stop counting the money! We don’t have any time!”

“Shut up and watch the kids!”

The first robber probably regrets not stopping. Just as he said that, there were sirens, and several people burst through the door shouting, “Hands in the air!”

This time, the burglars were the ones who hesitated and a deep voice shouted, “Now!”


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Thu Sep 16, 2021 5:54 pm
RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hey looseleaf!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

This was a really great story. I liked how you directly opened in the middle of an already ongoing scene and still managed to pull us directly into the story without really disrupting the flow. I really like the tension you have built throughout the story, and how you have described your surroundings and the events without going into much detail at all and keeping it rather vague. I think this decision has made the story even more realistic, because face down on the ground with men holding guns, I don't think anyone would really have much room for other thoughts.

Still, I liked how cool and smooth your voice of narration was. The situation is so very grave, but this man almost seems collected. He tried to intervene the robbery which reflects his character, but I am really impressed with how he never lost his calm throughout the story.

I found only one problem in this story and it is the tense. See, you opened in the present tense, but as the story moved on you shifted to the past tense. Since you are describing a scene or event here, I was a little confused about when this was actually taking place. I think you should clear that up for your readers.

Overall, this was a really great story, and I liked how direct and in the moment it was. Frankly, I cannot believe that you wrote this in seven minutes. That is super impressive.

Keep writing and have a great day!




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Mon Oct 05, 2020 12:37 am
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I really liked this! Good job!




looseleaf says...


Thanks!



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Sat Oct 03, 2020 4:07 pm
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Valkyria wrote a review...



Hello LZPianoGirl,

This is a good story to start off the spooky season. The pacing is good. And, you managed to write a tension-gripped story in seven minutes. As the others said, that is impressive!

It’s dark. Well, not really. In the corner of my eyes, I can see light, but I’m lying face down on the floor, not able to see anything.


I like the use of juxtaposition. It gives the reader a hint of the narrator's situation.

They shot me in the arm twice, so I fell to the ground, taking my chance to get out of the situation.


Aside from the terrible pain he must be in, that's a smart thing to do.

“Twenty grand, now,” A husky voice yelled from behind me. I suppose the bank teller hesitated a bit too long, because they screamed again, “Now!”


Despite the narrator not seeing anything, you put so much life into the words. We can visualize what's happening.

“Please, not the children!” “Shut up!”


Since the robber shouted "Shut up," I would put that in its own paragraph.

This time, the burglars were the ones who hesitated and a deep voice shouted, “Now!”


How ironic!

Overall, I really liked this story! Great job!




looseleaf says...


Thank you so much for the review! I'm glad you liked it!



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Sat Oct 03, 2020 3:38 pm
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IcyFlame wrote a review...



For seven minutes I'm impressed! I love writing challenges like this that allow us to push ourselves and also just to get words on a page because we all know that's the hardest part!

It’s dark. Well, not really. In the corner of my eyes, I can see light, but I’m lying face down on the floor, not able to see anything.

You contradict yourself quite a bit in this first paragraph. First it's dark, then there's light... first your character can see light, but then can't see anything. I think this needs a little bit of a clean up :) I like the way you've framed the beginning, but if you're editing at all, I'd focus on making this a bit clearer.

I happen to be at the bank right now, trying to look dead.

Haha, I love the humorous tone here!

“Please, not the children!” “Shut up!”

I think this is supposed to be two people? If so, you need to have a separate line for each of them!

This time, the burglars were the ones who hesitated and a deep voice shouted, “Now!”

I assume this is where you ran out of time but I actually think it works well as a cliff hanger!

A great effort for seven minutes, well done LZ! <3




looseleaf says...


Thank you for the review! I appreciate it!



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Sat Oct 03, 2020 7:43 am
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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: Okay this was a pretty cool story for seven minutes of work. This definitely did not sound rushed at all. I loved the tension that you built, it was just enough without becoming excessive, the descriptions were also very well done especially considering the fact that it was a very limited view since the protagonist is face down. Alright let me see if I can find any nitpicks down there.

Anyway let's get right to it,

It’s dark. Well, not really. In the corner of my eyes, I can see light, but I’m lying face down on the floor, not able to see anything.


Oooh that's a lovely start right there. Definitely gets your attention right away and that first line especially does a wonderful job of dragging you into the story while also letting you know what position this character is in.

How did I get on the floor, you ask? Don’t I have the story for you. I happen to be at the bank right now, trying to look dead. Three men, or, at least, I think they were men, pulled out guns and surrounded the bank tellers. I tried to stop them, like the good person I am. Boy do I wish I wasn’t a good person right now. They shot me in the arm twice, so I fell to the ground, taking my chance to get out of the situation.


OUCH. OUCH.

And that is a pretty good way to introduce the situation. I like the way you've kept it very quick and simple, that really gets it a great tone and just makes it seem like the fast paced action that such a scene would be and also doesn't distract us from the situation which is the best part. :)

“Twenty grand, now,” A husky voice yelled from behind me. I suppose the bank teller hesitated a bit too long, because they screamed again, “Now!”


Right so these are hot headed robbers.

“Yes, sir, sorry sir,” one of the ladies at the front desk squeaked. If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought it was a mouse talking.


Also pretty accurate from what I know...usually bank tellers are told to just give money away and keep people from getting shot.

There was the sound of crying coming from my right. Then, there was a few grunts, a child screaming, and the child began crying louder.

“Please, not the children!” “Shut up!”


This guy is definitely getting locked up for a long time doing all of these unnecessary additional crimes.

The first robber probably regrets not stopping. Just as he said that, there were sirens, and several people burst through the door shouting, “Hands in the air!”


Okay that's definitely true although I think that line is a little odd to put in there. I think it would be much more effective as the last line or just removed entirely.

This time, the burglars were the ones who hesitated and a deep voice shouted, “Now!”


And a pretty satisfying ending...:)

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall it was a fun little story to read well not funny but fun if you get what I mean. And there's just that one tiny little thing I think would be better of changed otherwise its got pretty much no issues. Great Job!!

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




looseleaf says...


Thank you so much for the review! I really appreciate it!



HarryHardy says...


You're Welcome!!




Human qualities are not gendered. What is gendered is permission to express certain traits.
— Glennon Doyle