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Coffee date

by silented1


He parks

Talking to himself
I'll ask her out.

Inside- he's losing his mind,
I'll give her my years
If she'll take my time.

She pours him a medium
That he didn't order right.
Extra extra sugar, honey
That would be life.

He chokes up a dollar,
Is this enough?
She lets him down easy.
It's $1.80.

Another day alone
As he leaves behind the change
She'll never feel the same
Although she thought him okay.


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66 Reviews


Points: 5482
Reviews: 66

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Tue Sep 22, 2020 3:02 am
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Andrewknorpp wrote a review...



Really my main thing to say is that this is relatable!

He parks
Talking to himself
I'll ask her out.

This really hits a thing inside me. I get this mood. The shortness of the stanzas make me feel the nerves.

Inside- he's losing his mind,
I'll give her my years
If she'll take my time.

This sounded really nice. And I like how overly he loves this one person that he probably doesn’t know much about

She pours him a medium
That he didn't order right.
Extra extra sugar, honey
That would be life.

Mood. I feel like the rhythm is a little off. But mood.

He chokes up a dollar,
Is this enough?
She lets him down easy.
It's $1.80.

Not entirely sure what’s happening. He didn’t have enough money?
Been there, done that, had that embarrassment.

Another day alone
As he leaves behind the change
She'll never feel the same
Although she thought him okay.


*Begins crying in corner*
Being okay is the worst.
Overall, I’m not normally into poetry, but I liked this.
Thanks, and keep writing!




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119 Reviews


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Tue Sep 22, 2020 12:29 am
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WinnyWriter wrote a review...



Hello! This poem is so thought-provoking. I like how it isn't complicated, but it is relatable. I feel like there is something about it that many of us can relate to even if we've never been in the exact situation. The exchange between characters, the thoughts of the guy at the center of the story - they're so succinct and clear. You've given us just enough to think about without overloading and overwhelming us. While some longer poems are great, this one wraps up its point well in fewer words.

I like how this poem actually goes deeper than just some little story. It impresses on the reader the regrets of wasted opportunities, the never-ending cycle of putting off something we should do. You've given us something serious to think about without the whole work being too heavy. Great work!

Keep it up!




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82 Reviews


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Reviews: 82

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Mon Sep 21, 2020 5:15 pm
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IconspicuoslyAlpacaing wrote a review...



Hello there!

I'd like to start off by saying that I liked this poem. It was short and sweet, with a nice story. I agreed with watcha on a lot of the points they made, and I don't want to just repeat them back. I'd also like to point out that a little more build up to asking the barista out would've created a lot more suspense, and highlight how nervous the speaker is. Maybe describe him walking into the coffee shop, or his hand shaking when he takes the coffee from her. Little things that really accentuate the sort of jittery, nervous and excited feeling of talking to someone you like, y'know? This was a shorter review, but I hope it was helpful nonetheless!

Have a great day and a wonderful #RevMo !

- Connie




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Mon Sep 21, 2020 12:58 am
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whatchamacallit wrote a review...



Hi silented1! I'm here for a short #RevMo review on your poem!

This is a cute poem, and I like how you've decided to write about something so ordinary. It makes the poem very familiar and easy to relate to, as just about everyone knows what it's like to order a coffee.

My main critique is that this feels a bit more like a story with stanzas and line breaks, than a poem. In the quote below, I've taken away all the line breaks, to try and show you what I mean.

He parks, talking to himself: I'll ask her out. Inside- he's losing his mind, I'll give her my years if she'll take my time. She pours him a medium that he didn't order right. Extra extra sugar, honey that would be life. He chokes up a dollar, Is this enough? She lets him down easy. It's $1.80. Another day alone as he leaves behind the change; she'll never feel the same although she thought him okay.

I changed the punctuation and capitalization ever so slightly, but otherwise, that's the poem! It feels pretty prose-ish -> which isn't necessarily a bad thing, and there is such a thing as prose poetry, but that's generally formatted more like prose while still written more like poetry. (That's a huge generalization and oversimplification, so feel free to take that with a grain of salt.) But yours is sort of the opposite - formatted like a poem but written like prose.

Of course there are some poetic elements ~ you've got some rhyming, and a sprinkling of figurative language ("he chokes up a dollar"), which is lovely ~ but I think if you aren't interested in making this into a short story, it'd be great if you added some more "poetic" stuff.

For example, imagery! Describe the coffee shop, describe the girl, hecc, describe the coffee! Details like that help the reader to envision what's going on and really immerse them in the poem.

Stylistically, I'd personally suggest you take a look at punctuation and capitalization. These are artistic choices you get to make as the poet, so if you disagree, that's completely okay; these are just my opinions!

I think for such a straightforward, down-to-earth poem, using sentence case would suit it more than capitalizing every line. If you use that capitalization, the fourth stanza would become:
She pours him a medium
that he didn't order right.
Extra extra sugar, honey
that would be life.

meaning you only capitalize the first letter of each sentence.

My main suggestion for punctuation would be to differentiate his internal thoughts from the rest of the poem. Maybe italicizing, or using quotation marks, or even brackets would work.
So the first three stanzas could be:
He parks

Talking to himself
I'll ask her out.

Inside- he's losing his mind,
I'll give her my years
If she'll take my time.


I think your choice to write this poem in third person is interesting - usually romantic poems like this are written in first person, so that differentiates this one and makes it unique! It has the effect of the reader feeling like they're watching a clip out of a movie, which is really neat.

Overall, I think this poem could benefit by adding in some more poetic elements and experimenting with some stylistic choices! I hope this is useful and if you've got any questions feel free to ask (:

Keep writing!

whatchamacallit


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