Nature Poem

One day I had the awesome idea to
Make a poem about nature.
So I caught a pigeon
And jumped on its back.

The pigeon carried me over a large
Checkered fabric.
I asked my friend, the pigeon, what was it.
He replied: "Fields and Crops".

I asked the bird to stop for a minute.
Then I got a pair of scissors,
Cut a portion of the fabric,
And stored it in my chest pocket.

I also passed over a fluffy green carpet.
My friend told me it was an old forest,
Of course I cut a little of it too.
And stored it with the other piece.

Night came, my pigeon was sleepy.
He called a brother, the Owl,
And left me in his care.
Ahh! the Owl's feather are so soft and silky.

When I got home, I looked at what I had
There, on the table were:
2 pieces of the fields, 1 of the forest,
A few butterfly wings, a bright portion of the moon and a drop of the night sky.

I quickly got to work.
With my pen I sewed those pieces together.
Then using the night sky essence
I painted it black.
That is how you make a nature poem

Comments

Points: 1285
Reviews: 76

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Sun May 09, 2021 4:27 am

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Phillauthet wrote a review...

Wow! This poem is amazing! I love your way of thinking.

Expressing the fields and crops as 'Checkered Fabric' and the forest as 'fluffy green carpet'... Where do you get your ideas from??

The detail is great, especially when you show that the pigeon was sleepy and switched with the owl.

I think 'A few butterfly wings' doesn't exactly fit into the theme, but that's for you to decide.

I also like the part where you say that you sewed the pieces together with the pen.

I didn't exactly get why you painted it black, but this poem is great!

Points: 31500
Reviews: 561

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Fri Sep 25, 2020 3:30 am

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Atticus wrote a review...

Hi there Buranko! Tuck here to bring you another review on this piece.

Overall, I'm liking the journey that you took the reader on. The changes in scenery kept the plot moving, and the description that you sprinkled into this story helped to paint a picture for the reader. Your consistency in stanzas was also helpful in developing a flow and rhythm for this story, although I did notice considerable variety in the length of stanza lines. While that's not always a bad thing, it can become distracting if it's not following a pattern or for a stylistic purpose or to deliver a message. The line that is particularly guilty of this is:

A few butterfly wings, a bright portion of the moon and a drop of the night sky.

Even reading this, you can see that it's almost twice as long as its neighboring lines, so it is awkward to jam this entire sentiment into one line, especially when you have commas which would provide a natural place to divide it.

Moving onto some more solid criticism, I noticed that you capitalized the beginning of every line, regardless of when sentences ended, throughout this poem. I'd like to refer you to this article from the KB collection, which is probably the article I refer people to most out of all poetry tutorials. It's one of my favorite articles because it doesn't advocate for one form above the others, but neutrally provides the pros and cons of each capitalization strategy. I'd highly recommend giving it a read and re-evaluating if the capitalization in your poem does what you want it to do.

Next, I suggest that you tie in some emotions to this poem. Even if you write a beautifully descriptive poem, it's not going to have a profound effect on the reader unless you draw some connections to emotions. You have opportunities galore to do this, considering how many images you bring into this poem, and it would take your poem a step further, from work of art to work of art that impacts somebody in a real way.

And finally, to end this review on a positive note, I would consider the final stanza to be my favorite. The idea of sewing pieces together with a pen is an interesting poetic idea and introduces some figurative language that in turn strengthens your poem. I also like the idea of painting the paper (or at least I'm assuming you meant paper here, it wasn't super clear from the text) black with the night sky, since it connects well to your nature theme and finishes the poem in a notable way.

Overall, this was an interesting and descriptive poem, but there are a few opportunities here for improvement! I've done my best to point out some areas I liked and some areas that could use some attention to give you an idea of what may need some editing. I'm not an excellent poetry reviewer by any means, but I've done my best to give you some quality feedback and analysis. I hope this review was helpful to you and not discouraging in any way. Please feel free to reach out with any questions or concerns!

Best,
Tuck

Buranko says...

I am too used to capitalize every line, it seems awkward if I don't. I agree with adding some feelings in the poem, without them it's just a mere painting. Thanks tuck for the review

Points: 60
Reviews: 47

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Sun Sep 20, 2020 11:33 am

rida wrote a review...

Hi! I don’t think any grammar mistakes are there which the others haven’t said already. I wanted to say I loved this poem, and it’s filled with imagination and creativity. A few of my most favourite lines are

2 pieces of the fields, 1 of the forest,
A few butterfly wings, a bright portion of the moon and a drop of the night sky.
Also, the last stanza, is my favourite. I look forward to other poems of yours like this!

Points: 27734
Reviews: 386

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Wed Sep 16, 2020 12:13 pm

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Dossereana wrote a review...

Hi @Buranko I'm here to give you a short review, lets get right into it shell we, first of welcome to YWS,*follows I'll great myself better later don't you worry.

One day I had the awesome idea to
Make a poem about nature.
So I caught a pigeon
And jumped on its back.

Wow wonderful start the poem, I liked the creativity though it, I can just imagine so many things as we fly over all of these amazing things, also pigeons are just one of the most loveliest birds.

2 pieces of the fields, 1 of the forest,
A few butterfly wings, a bright portion of the moon and a drop of the night sky.

Wow how I would love to have all of thoughts fabrics, it could be turned into something real cool, I really loved how this poem flowed you did it real well, also I'm not really going to go in to what I think might need changing because I think @niteowl pointed a lot of that out already.

So really I think you did a great job of this, I loved reading it and I would so want to read more from you. Keep writing, the more you do it the better you'll get at it.

I hope that you have a great Day/Night

@Vulcanite siring over the green room sparing shards of reviews as she went

Buranko says...

May you be blessed by the eternal inspiration hunting grounds !

Dossereana says...

thanks for the follow back by the way.

Buranko says...

Np bro

Points: 35774
Reviews: 1274

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Wed Sep 16, 2020 5:42 am

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niteowl wrote a review...

Hi Buranko and welcome to YWS! Niteowl here to review.

Overall, I like the concept of this. It's rather surreal how the speaker wants to write about nature and then gets swept away by the birds to see what he's writing about. It's very creative.

One day I had the awesome idea to
Make a poem about nature.

This feels a little colloquial to me. Granted, not every poem has to have flowery language, but I don't think this fits the mood of this piece. I might re-word it like "One day I longed to write a poem about nature".

The pigeon carried me
over a large checkered fabric.
I asked him what it was.
He replied: "Fields and Crops".

I edited the second stanza a bit, making the line breaks smoother and removing the redundant 'my friend, the pigeon" in the third line. Also technically, "fields and crops" aren't nature since they're farmed by humans, but perhaps I am just being pedantic. Still, I might elaborate a bit-what crops are these? What's growing in these fields? I think it would be good to be more specific here.

Love the third stanza.

I also passed over a fluffy green carpet.
My friend told me it was an old forest,
Of course I cut a little of it too.
And stored it with the other piece.

I think we could be a little more specific here as well. Perhaps naming what trees or animals are in this forest, as a forest could be any number of environments from tundra to rainforest.

It's sort of odd how there's an owl in the story, but we don't show the speaker's journey with it like we do with the pigeon. Perhaps it would be tedious to keep up the same structure, but I'd still like to see more interaction with the owl. Alternately, you could ditch the owl altogether, but that's up to you.

When I got home, I looked at what I had
There, on the table were:
2 pieces of the fields, 1 of the forest,
A few butterfly wings, a bright portion of the moon and a drop of the night sky.

The first two lines are a little bland. Maybe you could describe the reveal of these pieces in a dramatic way, like "Once home, I unveiled my pieces of nature on the table". Grammatically speaking, you should spell out numbers less than 10 and I think it would look better here as well. The last line is lovely but a bit too long-I would make "and a drop of the night sky" its own line.

With my pen I sewn those pieces together.

Small grammar thing here-past tense of "sew" is "sewed". I looked it up to make sure because grammar is fun, haha.

I like the idea of comparing the night sky to the ink the poem is written in.

Overall, I like the concept of this but I'd love to see a bit more detail about these pieces of nature. Keep writing!

Buranko says...

Oh, could have sworn it was sewn. Welp my bad

Buranko says...

I hate giving too much detail like what trees are found. Sorry but I really feel that much detail will replace this magical atmosphere I am looking to make

Points: 61
Reviews: 32

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Wed Sep 16, 2020 5:34 am

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EM8650 says...

Hello there.
Overall i quite like the poem. It has that underlining emotion within certain lines. There is also that lovely over all concept of nature.
It's a very well written poem.
I look forward to reading more of your work.

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Nature Poem

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